I won't put a big introduction to this post. I just turned 20. An unfortunately this late have I finally figured out by myself - by studying politics, sociology, business, TRP principles and having sex with like 17 escorts - what masculinity finally means. As I am cursed to be raised by a single mother. I have wasted all of my teenage years not getting a 100% grasp on how things work, and being an introvert, not experimenting socially either.

It was a Catch-22 I had no control of: I had to turn masculine first before I can take care of my own social well being. Now I am fully socializing as a masculine figure. However...... I'm stuck again........

It seems that my brain still wants to be rejective towards any useful extension of my social life. My thinking patterns still get organized towards: satisfy noble pursuit, secure some resource, then reject anything else. Any socialization I am part of instantly goes to my subconscious mind, it gets processed all over again, over more conversations I get the necessary information to whatever I want the answer to at that moment, then... reject. Literally anything else, trying to boost my social status with teachers, trying to get a successful date, my own brain just says STOP. It puts a hard block over my conscious mind. Because of this I can't keep any friends or contacts for more than like 2 weeks.

If you don't know what this means, it's a very complicated form of anxiety called neuroticism. And these high levels of neuroticism make the difference between a Gamma and a Sigma, sorry for using these terms but they are accurate right now.

This high neuroticism esentially means self-sabotage. For instance I am talking to this high-status teacher, in the back of my head I know that I should ask him for a higher place in my college rank, but instead I just keep talking to him about useless topics. Or on a date, talking with the girl in a way too logic way, in the back of my head I know that I should get into a seductive language, but I just talk about random things until she gets bored.

This is it pretty much.... The highly neurotic gamma male. That's me....

I am WASTING my intelligence and testosterone away because my brain only wants to satisfy it's own noble pursuits, while rejecting my social mind from doing anything more.

What can I do to change this very toxic personality type?

I know that this is because I had to learn, by myself, some things that the missing father should've taught me years ago (masculinity). I'm not blaming anyone.

Things I've tried:

  • Multiple changes of what I socially identify as. Now I'm a slightly edgy underground culture raving fan of some sort. But anyways at an event I don't even talk to the girls or the dudes, I stay all night next to the dj.
  • Meditation
  • Therapists, but they all said the same things over and over again.
  • More and more carefully dieting.
  • Lifting weights, stretching my physical body to it's limits. My mind however, didn't give a damn. And I also became bald because now testosterone escaped into the blood stream...
  • Moving from my mother 2 years ago, getting independence and forcing myself into a masculine frame (forcing myself to earn my own money etc). Still, nothing. I ONLY FIGHT FOR THE NECESSARY JOB THAT PROVIDES ENOUGH MONEY, SETTLE ON THAT AND JUST STOP.
  • Drugs. Antipsychotics, Lorazepam, Diazepam, Amphetamine, Alcohol, Weed, 80 micrograms of LSD, Antidepressants... Anything that can remove the "blocks". They only worked temporarily. After the drug's effect passed, I returned into the "cyclical", rejective, way of thinking...
  • Reading countless good books, I lost count...
  • 2 failed attempts at suicide. Even those didn't get me out of my mind.
  • Abstaining from any masturbation or sex for 2 months.
  • Trying to accept myself, letting go of narcissistic or existential obsessions.

I've tried everything. MY OWN MIND STILL PUTS A HARD BLOCKAGE ON MYSELF, CYCLING MY THOUGHTS FOR USELESS REASONS AND REJECTING EVERYTHING THAT EXITS IT'S COMFORT ZONE. If I won't reduce my neurosis I will have my life wasted!

Did anything escape from me? Probably it's because I still don't understand the world enough?

It's not me being physically inferior. My testosterone levels are high: I am muscular, 6'1, bald, able to have close to an hour of continuous sex and ejaculating a lot at the end. So it's not that blocking my mind.

Should I just accept being a Gamma and that's it? I mean, it's not the end of the world being one, but I'll surely miss out on a lot of things. I've already missed out on having good times as a teenager, times I really dread upon.