I have been lurking this sub for quite some time contemplating whether to share my story or not. My long road in becoming a man that went his own way. I apologize for this being a long read, but hopefully my story will inspire other people and help them in making the most important decision in life. Going your own way!

I will start my story in junior high. I’ve always been one of the nerds. The guy who had his locker full of Pokémon cards, the guy who played a lot of video games and generally preferred being alone. I did have some good friends with whom I shared a lot of interests, so I was not bullied. Being in school at this age when hormones are flying to the left and right was tough. I was a short guy, by the time I started ninth grade I was about 160 cm tall. And of course my interest in girls started to develop. But being short and being a nerd did not really give me any greater odds at getting a girlfriend. So I finished junior high as a virgin.

Then high school came. I studied hard and when I graduated I had a 3.8 GPA ( if I translate my countries system to the American in order to make a comparison). High school was also the place where I truly fell in love for the first time. This girl was amazing. She was cute, funny and smart. A real 10/10 in my book. We would often study together and we always had a good time. So I asked her out but she rejected me so damn hard. Sure I myself ain’t a 10/10, I’d say I look pretty average but as I said earlier, I’m a short guy. At adult age I am 170 cm. So I finished high school as a virgin.

The thing about being a virgin was embarrassing, or at least I thought so. I knew a lot of my friends had popped the cherry and I felt so pressured to score. It sort of became an obsession.

After high school I went on and started to study economics at a university in the city where I live. It was a three year long program. I still lived at home with my parents, which allowed me to really focus on my studies. The first year went very well and I passed all classes. But at the beginning of the third semester something happened that would change my life forever.

I went to a party to celebrate the birthday of my friend. At this party there was a girl. She was a bit shorter than me and had short blond hair giving her a sort of tomboyish look. Since she was shorter than me I thought I’d have a talk to her. We hit off really well and when the night was over I had her phone number. I remembered that when I got home that night I was so fucking happy. I thought to myself that this could be it. This could be THE girl to end my obsession. We texted for a couple of days and our conversations were very flirty and she seemed like such a wonderful girl. And when we finally met it was magic. I was in love. I was walking on these purple clouds of happiness that I never had experienced before. We simply couldn’t be apart from each other so we decided after dating for three months that we would get an apartment together.

She did not have a job, she did not have any education but the thing is that in the state of mind that I was in at time I did not give a flying fuck. Of course I would provide for us. So I took up a part time job which I worked at evenings to make sure we could pay the bills. I was so tired, I went to school in the morning and sat through classes and after school I went straight to work and finally I got home at around 8-9 every night. But I was happy. I had the best girlfriend in the world. She loved me and I loved her. We were talking about our plans for our future. She loved horses, so of course we would have to buy a farm where she could have her horses and eventually get a kid or two. That was the dream. We were only waiting for me to finish school so that I could start working earning that big cash. I was so in love with this girl that nothing else mattered. I stopped talking to my friends, I stopped playing video games and only did what she wanted to do. But I thought to myself that these sacrifices had to made in order to have a healthy relationship. On New Year’s Eve 2012 I went down on my knees and proposed to her. I was convinced, this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. A woman I had known for about 6 months.

On the spring that year she said that she wanted to make a trip to Australia to work on a farm over there for 6 months. Mind you, she had not been working a single day during the time we had been together. I was of course a bit anxious over this. How was I going to make it without her? I would miss her so much. But in the end I said ok. I said the she should follow her dreams and that it’s only 6 months. We would have the rest of our lives together. Summer passed and I started my final year at Uni. My results had been in a steady decline due to the fact that I also worked. In September she left for Australia. The following days were horrible. I cried for two days straight I think before it got remotely better. Meanwhile she was obviously having a blast. She posted new photos to Facebook frequently which I looked at and saw that she was having a good time.

The first month that she was away we spoke everyday. But eventually things became a bit chillier. She did not have time to talk or she was busy with work etc etc. It could take her three days to respond to my texts or Facebook messages. Even though she was active on Facebook posting new pictures everyday. A bad feeling started to grow in me and when I saw a picture of her that one of her friends had uploaded I noticed her engagement ring was missing. I remember that feeling so well. It felt like the temperature in my body rose by a hundred degrees and I fell. I fell from my chair and just lied down on the floor crying. I decided to take a walk and clear my thoughts. I was denying it, it must be a mistake, she must’ve just forgotten it. I messaged her about and she did not reply for five days. I tried to call her but I never got an answer. When she finally replied she completely ignored the question and just asked how I was doing in school. That’s when I just couldn’t take it anymore. I had to know! Since I knew her passwords to both her Facebook and Hotmail accounts I logged into the them and started looking for evidence. It took 1 minute to find the first conversation, 2 minutes to find another two and 3 minutes to find a picture of her in bed with another man. 3 minutes was all it took to destroy me. I can’t even explain how I felt. I went to the bookshelf and and grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels and downed it. Then I went out in a T-shirt and pants without socks, and walked up into the woods behind our house and just lied down in the snow. It was probably -5 C but i couldn’t feel anything, I was so numb, and to this day I have no idea for how long I lay there.

The next day I wrote a message to her explaining what I had seen. The crazy part is that I wanted to forgive her. I basically begged her to love me, to come back to me, to start a family with me. She responded two days later with a few sentences which basically said “Everything will be fine when I come home”. No apologies, no remorse, no nothing. After this conversation she started to ignore me.

My condition got worse and worse and I was in such a deep black hole. I took the decision that I wanted to end my life. Life was not worth living without her and the pain inside of me was too much. So I went to the train tracks and I waited. I think I sat there for about an hour waiting for a train to arrive. I was very determined, I had left a note for my parents at home which they would find eventually. And then I could hear the train, finally the pain ends I thought to myself. But when I stood there mere seconds from death I came to my senses and backed away from those tracks. The train roared by but I stood there and I was alive.

The following weeks my mood improved tremendously. I went to school as I should. I went out to treat myself with some nice food and I started playing video games again. So basically a month after I almost killed myself I felt fucking invincible. I did not care about my fiancée so I took the ring off. I remember standing on the bus station waiting for my bus with some music in my ears. I was filled with energy that was like magic. I stood there and danced. I guess the people around me thought I was crazy but I couldn’t care less.

Then the time for my beloved girlfriends return came. We had not spoken for months and all of a sudden I get a text saying something like “I will be home tomorrow around 12. I miss you and love you!!!” What the actual flying fuck?! I knew that the day when she returned would come, but she thought we were cool somehow? So I waited for her to come home. And when she comes she busts through the door with the biggest of smiles and gives me a huge hug. I have to admit I was a bit stunned. How can a person be this fucking delusional? She was even wearing her ring. I just told her that I couldn’t accept how she had behaved and told her that I wanted her stuff out of my apartment by the end of the day. That’s when she got mad. She started throwing insults at me and when i stayed calm and collected she resorted to violence. That’s when I had enough, I took a firm grip of her hands and just pushed her towards the door and out of my apartment. I called her mother and father and told them about what had happened and 1 hour later they arrived and they packed her stuff in a couple of boxes and left. And that was the last time I saw that woman.

So I finished my school and got a bachelors degree in economics. I managed to land a job straight out of school and things were going so damn well for me. I made really good money, I had my hobbies and my friends. But then I thought to myself “Hey I think it’s time to look for a new girlfriend”. Why wouldn’t I? You are supposed to have a wife. That’s normal. So I started dating again after about a year after my breakup. And before I knew it my girlfriend had moved in with me. And once again I was in love. I would do everything for this woman. She was dealing with mental health issues so she didn’t work which meant that I provided for us. We had lived together for about two years when it happened the first time. I checked her phone and found out that she had been seeing another guy. Once again I was devastated. But I gave her a second chance.

And then it happened again and again and again. Yes you read it right. It happened in total four times, at least that I know of. And it happened over a course of 4 years. I had given this woman so many chances to improve but it never happened. She was the same. I had no other choice but to kick her out. In a twisted way I still loved her and blamed myself. Looking back at it, it’s so obvious that she didn’t care for me. I got sex once every six months I think. Our relationship was dead.

After this the depression hit me. And it hit me hard. I had to leave work and I ended up staying home for about a year. Once again I wanted to kill myself. I was a worthless piece of shit that didn’t deserve any happiness and obviously I couldn’t take care of women. How twisted my mind was. I simply couldn’t see myself being happy without a partner at my side.

With therapy I got better fortunately. It took about a year to fully rehabilitate myself. And when I felt good again what do you think this stupid son of a bitch did? Well he went dating again. Because once again, that’s what you are supposed to do! It’s like your mind runs on some autopilot when it comes to women. So I start dating a bit and hook up with some women but something ain’t like it used to be.

This time I started to ask myself all these questions. Who am I? What do I want? Where do I see myself in 10 years? I took a good long hard look in the mirror and realized I’m fucking awesome by myself. I am the king of my world. I started to analyze my prior relationships with a risk based mind. And my conclusions were; NO! Never again! Whatever women provide me with is not worth the downsides of it. It was as if a lightbulb switched on in my head. I saw so clearly. That sweet sweet vagina ain’t so bloody sweet after all. It feels like I kicked my biological instincts in the nuts.

After that moment of clarity I’ve had zero interest in women, going total monk mode. I love myself, there’s no other person on this planet that I love more than myself. I am the fucking King! There’s no one who has any sort of power or influence over my life. Just me! And once I started to love myself I have spent every damn waking moment of my life serving only me. Cooking good food for me, taking me out for dinner, taking myself out for a movie. Switched careers starting to study to become a veterinarian. Every decision I make in my life is made only to benefit me. And I have never felt better. Sounds a bit egocentric right? The best part is that I don’t give flying fuck what other people think. I only care what the man in the mirror thinks, for I am man that goes his own way!

Thank you very much for reading my long story. I apologize if I made any errors in the text. English is not my primary language. I hope you enjoyed my story and learn something from it. Keep it real brothers!