Summary: Our desires are born out of the affection we received from our mothers as children. Becoming a man means realizing these desires aren't sustainable.


Body: If you remember high school English, you'll probably note some similarities between this and the Hero's Journey. This is intentional.

Infants have one natural fear - abandonment. Abandonment equates death. The desire to be loved is hardwired into all infants.

For a young boy, this is generally fulfilled by the unrequited love of the mother. Look at the expectations a lot of guys place on their girlfriends or wives. They want that same feeling, the ability to be vulnerable to someone. It's no longer socially acceptable to go crying to mommy, so they seek some level of that out from their significant other. They need that unconditional acceptance for who they are.

It works, but not the way you expect it to.

Phrases such as "just be yourself", and "I want someone to love me for who I am" reflect this.

This need is perfectly natural. There is no shame in realizing that you have developed this need as an evolutionary response. There is no shame in realizing that the messages the media implants into your mind take advantage of this primal desire.

But like the appendix, there comes a time when evolutionary developments become vestigial, and it becomes profitable to sever them.

You cannot just suppress it. You have to do everything you can to burn it to the ground.

It's not even close to "give up on being loved for who you are", it's "giving up on who you are".

Assume for a minute that the implications of the message that the rest of the world pushes upon you were true. If you deserved to be loved for who you are, then why did nobody worthy love you? Either that was false, or you're a shitty individual. Most platitudes leave out that crucial second part - the logical conclusion that you must be a shitty individual if nobody loves you.

We start out believing that we shouldn't have to do anything or change anything about ourselves to earn a woman's love. We want to be loved for who we are, no matter how much of a failure we are, not what we do. We want that affirmation that resembles what our mothers gave us.

You have to realize that it takes many years honing yourself, working, shaping yourself into the man women want. Women can "be", men have to "do". That is why men are the subjects, and women the objects.

When one stares into the abyss, and dives in headfirst, it changes him. Part of it comes from anger at being told there was no abyss in the first place. He might adopt viewpoints he doesn't agree with, transgress his personal boundaries, or commit acts he previously thought himself incapable of.

An adolescence of "just be yourself" and constantly being rejected when you try it leads to a dark place. It cements the idea that there is something wrong with yourself. Why else would you get rejected so much?

The only logical conclusion is that you are disgusting, you are filth, nobody wants you, etc. That contrasts directly with the "motherly love" concept, which is why it is so difficult to accept.

SJWs will blather on about how this reflects "toxic masculinity" and how "antiquated gender roles hurt men too".

Nothing provides better motivation than hate. Even self hatred.

We resolve to execute the old self through whatever is necessary. For me, it was football in high school. More recently, it's been bodybuilding. I have friends who can get me access to steroids. Fuck it, tren and test baby. I'm now also fluent in German and Russian because of friends who were exchange students helping me. I grew up playing piano, and as a teenager I added guitar to that list and now I'm trying my hand at the violin. I go to a big name college, I'm studying CS and on track to make $100,000 out the door because my school has an excellent program. I'm graduating college early.

I wouldn't have done any of this if I could "just be myself". I'd be sitting in my parents' basement, jerking off and playing video games all day. That's all I did in middle school. And the day that pornstars seek that out, I'll recant all of this publicly.

But it's when the struggle ends that leaves us more confused than ever. The hero returns, but as the villain.

The process will fuck you up. Every little bit of success with girls reminds you that "I had to work my ass off for this, you were just born and tossed on some makeup and a tight outfit."

Myself 4, 3, or even 2 years ago would be disgusted with me now. The philosophies I hold, that hate - it won't go away. I'm not going to go out on a rampage, that would be giving in to everyone that said I would fail, but I hope I'm never elected president.

The goals and the anger are all that's left. Nobody cared about the genuine me. But the by-product of this evolution is: "Who am I now? What am I?" The return from the trials leaves us as better people - on paper. Better looking, financially stable, well-dressed. But the realization of such a trial jades us. An existential crisis is formed.

One thing I know for sure is that if I had a daughter, I wouldn't want her to date me.


Lessons learned:

The idea that people will love you for who you are is true. But if you're not getting loved, it's not the concept that's wrong, it's that you don't deserve love. Except for mom, who is the only person you have a shot at getting unconditional love from.