An illustration of Irony: this is a thing that happens when you wake up one day, get yourself into a mood where you think life is really going up in the world and mere hours later, you're finding yourself sat outside a hospital on a park bench trying to find some excuse to explain to your supervisor why you're not coming into a work that doesn't contain the "C" word.

30 years old, I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship. Over the next 2 years of my life, I had gotten so much shit together. I was a man on a mission. I had FWBs, sexually I was satisfied. I discovered TRP at some point in that journey which was the source of many posts of laughter. Not at how true a lot of it was, but a synonym of how men and women both have drives and traits typical of the sex they occupy.

I was banging a HB8 nurse. Our relationship was great. She worked crap hours and really did not want a serious boyfriend. I on the other hand thought she was hot. After night of passion, she got a shower without having to go home or use the nasty things in her hospital and usually (if I woke up on time) something for breakfast too. Hell I was making it for myself anyway.

We had just had sex. It was one of those all-nighter marathons where we started around 6pm and were interspersing our sessions with some Netflix, some banter and random conversation. I was having a shower about 10pm. I was feeling a little raw and was wondering if I had another round in me. Soapy hands, was feeling up the ol' chap when I worked my way round to my ballsack. And... something felt really wrong.

I do testicular examinations regularly. Since about 2008 thanks to various public health adverts and the like, I've just naturally done them every so often. Thus, when I felt this time, I immediately got suspicious.

I had my nut in my fingers rolling back and forth. I compared both to each other. There is no doubt about it, there is definitely a lump in this one. I finished my shower trying to put my mind off of it. I was sure it was just my imagination and that was it. Out of the shower, in front of the mirror, more examination. Again, no doubt about it, it was there. It felt like a small raised part on the nut itself. Should you examine yourself, remember that one nut will be bigger than the other. But both should be pretty smooth and kind of egg-ish shaped when you roll it through your fingers.

I had to bite my tongue and make use of the nurse sat in the next room. I tried not to panic but asked her to feel my nuts. At first she was hesitant, but then went into nurse mode. She confirmed that there was definitely something that needed another look and I should come get tested.

Things were awkward after this. She showered quickly and left rather uncharacteristically. She was obviously freaked out. I woke up at 7:00am to her calling me back. She apologized for leaving and admitted she felt a little freaked out but asked me what I was going to do. I just said that I was going to make a GP appointment and that was it. Instead she insisted I came to work with her and get seen to. She was actually really great; she got to work, made a few phone calls and had me bumped up the priority list.

I was in a specialist's room by 9:30 and ready to go.

A quick walk through of what happened so you know what to expect. The specialist first performed a physical exam which, for me, did include the finger up the butt. Despite the lubrication, it is probably the most uncomfortable I have ever felt in the presence of another human being. The whole thing was over in five minutes or so and he confirmed that my prostate was fine but he shared concerns over the lump.

I was sent over to get my blood drawn immediately and the ultra sound was an hour wait. HB8 was really good; she kept checking in on me to see where things were going. She was in definite mother mode, but it was a relief to just have a familiar face.

The ultrasound was a bit of a faff. I had to wear a gown for my one as I was in a business suit which wasn't appropriate for the examination. The gel feels a little wet but the whole thing was done in mere moments.

After this, despite being on the A-list, I had to wait two days to get called back by my specialist. UK hospitals are busy places (aside: Support the Junior Doctors!!!) There was good and bad news. The bad news was that my lump was indeed cancerous. It's a really odd feeling when you hear that big C word. The good news was that I had a type 1 cancer. I have to admit it took a long time to really know what the hell Type 1 even meant. To me, all I heard was cancer and the impressions of Breaking Bad coming into my head. I did admittedly at some stage think, how hard is it too cook meth?

There are several types of cancer. Type 1, which I had, is where the cancer is localized to only one particular organ. In my case, my nut. Type 2 is where things start to get bad which is where it spreads to your lymph nodes. These diagnoses can sometimes be suffices with variations of T N and M. I had a T1 Nx Mx. Roughly translated (and happy to be corrected further) that T1 means that the tumor has not spread past my testicle (T denotes size, not testicle as I had initially thought), Nx and Mx both refer to how cancer has spread either to lymph nodes or other organs respectively. The x I can only presume means that there isn't anything, though it seems different doctors used some variation of N0/M0 and Nx/Mx or didn't bother putting anything.

My surgeon talked me through the treatment options open to me. I had absolutely no option but to have the testicle removed. I was lucky in that I had caught it early, but had I not acted on it and it had spread, then I would have an even bigger problem on my hands. At the same time, I had the option of putting in a prosthetic nut. This was not a question for me, there is no way I was going to have the surgery without a prosthetic being put in. The final thing was a single course of chemotherapy to ensure the cancer was gone, known as preventative post-treatment radiotherapy. I would then need various follow-ups to ensure my health was good.

My appointment for my operation was scheduled. And it freaked me the fuck out. Every bad thought you could ever have comes to the surface here. It's fair to say I broke frame with myself more than anyone else. My nurse FWB did drop me but she was goodly enough to call and check up on me. And we had a couple of friend-based outings.

It was her reaction that made me decide that I needed to tell nobody about this. Her knowing I had cancer was enough to see me as weak and not want to fuck me anymore. While I valued that I had a familiar face to talk to about these things, it still rubbed me wrong that this was the turn-out.

I told work that I was having a few family crises with my Mother despite the fact I've not spoken to her in years; I told mates nothing at all and I especially told other plates even less. I could bear to tell nobody.

The day of my operation came up. One of my favorite plates was coming down for the weekend. I've been seeing her for near on 18 months. The only real reasons he's not an LTR is really due to distance, nothing more. But her company is always fantastic.

At some point during the weekend, she went looking for batteries for one of the remotes. She asked me where I kept spares while I was in the bathroom and I told her through the door where the were. The second I had told her and she went downstairs, I remembered where I had stashed all my hospital documentation. Yep, right in the same drawer.

I finished up, rushed, came down stairs and there she was reading what she had found. It was like being caught red-handed.

In the end I had to tell her that I was having my op that next week, that there was nothing to worry about and it was a simple procedure. I didn't for a second let on that I had been going out of my mind with worry since my diagnosis, but her reaction to everything was very different to HB8 nurse. As it was her semester break the day after my operation, she insisted she was coming down to look after me. It was only at that point she told me that she had lost her Dad to cancer when she was 12...

I've got a word limit here and need a shower. I'll continue with the gory details in part 2 coming soon.

EDIT: AS for what I felt. I felt absolutely no pain or tenderness, everything was completely normal in function and sexuality. The lump was evident though. The easiest way I can describe it is to imagine an orange from your supermarket. Now imagine this particular orange has an unnatural bulge outwards at one particular point which disrupts the natural spherical flow of its shape. Now imagine this same thing on the lower side of your testicle but a little more pronounced. This is an exaggeration, but comparing my testes back and forth, there was an undeniable difference. Bear in mind that this is not the diagnosis as it can manifest itself in various ways. My Doctor was asking me about tenderness, general pain and other things of which I had none of. My symptoms were localized only to that one lump; a symptom which proved to be quite correct. But I will mirror previous thigns I had only heard, it is really best to examine yourself in the shower. When your nuts are dry, it can be difficult to detect much in the shape. With your nuts soaped up and a bit slippery, it's far easier to get used to how they feel naturally.

As I said to /u/diomedes777 if you have any doubts at all it's enough to warrant getting yourself checked. Hopefully in pt2, I will illustrate why.