INTRO

One of the central tenets of The Red Pill is lifting. It’s widely recognized as one of the first steps on what is quite often a very long and painful journey. However, the man giving you the advice to start lifting is usually making at least one out of two assumptions about you, the reader:

1.) You have a job with which to acquire a reasonable amount of money which can then be spent to buy your own weight-lifting equipment and you also have the space to house said equipment

2.) You have transportation to get to a gym so that you can use their weight-lifting equipment and you also have enough money to pay monthly gym fees

So, for the purposes of this article, we are going to assume a few things about you that our helpful Red Pill adviser above did not:

1.) We will assume that you have no job.

2.) We will assume that you have no money.

3.) We will assume that you have no transportation.

Now, a TRP veteran may read this and immediately say to himself “Well, you’ve got bigger problems than needing to start lifting, bruh.” This would admittedly be a fair statement. However, there are a number of ways you could have ended up in this sticky situation. Maybe you’re 15 and you simply haven’t grown up enough yet to have things like a car and a job. Maybe you’re just plain old fucking lazy but you ended up on Red Pill because every woman who looks at you responds as though you look like an inflamed growth that just violently erupted sticky yellow pus. Maybe you just got out of a world-shifting, face-melting divorce and your ex-wife has fist-fucked you so damn hard that you’re back to living in mom’s spare room and wondering why your life looks like the inside of the Devil’s blackened crusty poop chute. Whatever the reason might be, it is likely safe to say that you may have been frustrated by reading previous Red Pill articles because they assumed that you weren’t quite as bad off as you truly are! I, your faithful author, will not make that mistake and will instead make the assumption that you are just about as bad off as bad can possibly be. You’re welcome!

However, when solving a problem, it is often best to not focus on what you don’t have but rather it is best to focus on what you DO have. Therefore, for the purposes of this article, we will also assume the following:

1.) You have access to the internet. (Otherwise, how the shit are you reading this? Wizard powers? If you have wizard powers, just conjure up muscles for yourself, dumbass.)

2.) You have access to basic household items.

3.) These basic household items are available for your use because whoever is letting you stay with them (parents, a friend, or old Mr. Johnson who is for some reason always just outside the bathroom door when you come out of the shower) is willing to let you borrow whatever the hell you want if it will get you out of their damn basement.

So we’ve set the scene then. You’re a man of extremely limited means and opportunities but you at least possess the willingness to improve yourself if only good ol' Legion327 will tell you how. Let’s get on with it then, shall we?

HEAVY STUFF TO LIFT

A basic set of weights consists of (at minimum) a barbell and several sets of weights. Therefore, if we’re going to be lifting, let’s find some heavy stuff to lift, shall we? Not only that, we’re going to need things that are heavy to varying degrees. However, the key before doing any of that, is to go steal the bathroom scale if you have one. We’re going to assume that you have one but if you don’t, you can simply estimate with that big ol’ beefy brain of yours that the ladies aren’t swooning over.

The Toolbox

Toolboxes are perfect for this sort of thing, my flabby friend! Peel yourself out of the sticky chair you’re currently adhered to and head yourself out to the garage and find it. The tray separating the upper and lower section of the tool box is just taking up extra space. Take it out and set it aside. Fill the toolbox up with as many heavy tools as you can find. Weigh it on your scale while full. Remove a few of the larger wrenches and get a feel for how much you need to add and subtract to move the weight in either direction by 5-pound increments. You now have your very own weight-adjustable kettlebell complete with convenient carry handle! Just put the tools back when you’re done or Dad’s gonna be, like, hella pissed, yo.

The Paint Bucket

Paint buckets are your new best friend, oh mighty Sultan of Sadness! They can hold water, sand, rocks or any other number of things and they, like the toolbox, are weight-adjustable and have convenient carry handles. Now simply find yourself a broom handle and put it through the carrying handles of two paint buckets and you’ve got yourself a barbell to bench press with. As an added bonus, Mom won’t be able to find the broom handle to beat you with anymore! Score!

The Milk Jug

First of all, let someone else drink the milk in order to empty them out. Have you seen how much sugar is in milk? No? Look at the label. Yeah, you don’t need 2 gallons of that, Señor Roly Poly. However, once you have 2 empty milk jugs, they can be filled with varying degrees of water or sand to make a nifty set of dumbbells. Hail mighty Cthulhu, your prayers have been answered! Huzzah!

CONCLUSION

You, my little bucket of human goo, are now the proud owner of your very own weight set! Give yourself a pat on the back! Oh. Sorry. You can’t reach it. But the good news is you’ll be able to soon once you get to work with your handy dandy new weight lifting equipment!

The point here, gentlemen, is that any man of any age and of any means has the power and ability to start lifting. All that is required is the motivation and willingness to do so. Keep lifting and keep reading.

Edit: Can Red Pillers be RP and also have a sense of humor? Find out in my next post titled "Is That An Olympic Bar Up Your Ass or Are You Just Unhappy To See Me?"