Summary: The most common mistake I see on TRP and AskTRP is when men "ask" women to hang out or go out. I know this is pretty basic stuff and has been discussed on TRP many times but I feel it needs to be emphasized since I see the mistake being made all the damn time. Never ask a woman if she wants to hang out or meet up, or when she is free or what time works for her. Instead, state your intentions.


Over the months I have regularly frequented AskTRP and it seems like multiple times a day I see the same mistake being made over and over.

Some guy is mad that he got flaked on or that things are not working out with some woman, and he is summarizing recent events. I then see him talking about a conversation he had with the woman and he is trying to arrange a meetup or hang out session or date with her, and I see something along the lines of:

"When are you free?"

"Do you want to have lunch today"

"What time works for you?"

"Can you meet up with me this week?"

"Are you avaliable this weekend?"

"When do you want to hang out?"

"I'd like to hang out when you are free this week"

Can you see the pattern? These men are asking the woman instead of taking the lead and taking initiative and directing her. Here are 4 reasons why this is wrong.

  • You are giving her all the power.

By asking if she is free or asking if she wants to have lunch you are ceding all the power to her and putting the ball in her court. Women are natural hamsters. Unless they are already attracted to you, they will hamster up a reason or excuse not to meet up with you, every time. Women will make it happen if they want it to happen. Until you get there, you need to keep a stronghold on the power dynamics. Never do the job of rejecting you for the woman, make her make that decison herself.

  • It gives off the impression that you have nothing interesting or exciting going on in your life, and have nothing better to do than sit around and wait for her to be free to hang out.

Women are more attracted to men who are interesting, exciting, and have a lot of stuff going on in their life. They are repelled by men who are thirsty, needy, or clingy. By asking if she can hang out or wants to go to lunch or is available this weekend, it gives off the vibe that you have nothing going on. That you are boring. That you are thirsty and your upcoming schedule is relying on her accepting your proposal or otherwise will be empty.

  • It comes across as weak.

Women like men who are authoritative and can make decisions. They like a man who is a leader, is responsible, and is in charge. By asking a woman to hang out or if she is free, you are distancing yourself from the masculine traits of being authoritative and making decisions. You are offloading that onto the woman. It makes you look weak, like you are too afraid and cowardly to set the terms and conditions of a proposed date, time and place to meet up or hang out or eat or drink. It makes you look like a scared pussy who has to ask if she is free over a wide range of time to minimize the chances of rejection.

  • It is entering her frame.

If you are not in control, if you are not in charge, if you are not making the decisions or setting the terms & conditions, you are not in your own frame and are in hers. Period.

What to do instead.

  • State, do not ask.

Anytime you are trying to arrange logistics for a meetup with a woman, do not frame it in the form of a question. Eliminate the words "Can you, Do you, Are you, When do you, When are you" etc. from your vocabulary. Do not ask her. Tell her.

  • Be as specific as possible on the date, time, and place.

Do not leave anything open ended, within a range, or a ballpark estimate. For days, get it down to the specific day of the week. For weekends, say whether it is Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. Not "This weekend" or "This week". For time, get it down to the exact hour and minute. Not "Around 8:00" or "Sometime between 9-10", no, you say "8:00". For the place, not a general area or neighborhood, but the exact place.

  • Leave out the bullshit.

For logistics and arranging a meetup, cut to the chase. Especially if it is not done verbally and is being done through text. Don't pad the propsoal with a bunch of garbage. For text, Simply state the date, time, and place, and maybe a few words to round out the sentence so you don't sound like a robot. Verbally you can add in a little more to make it flow better but the same principles still apply. You can ask how she is doing, crack jokes, and all of that other stuff when you are with her in person. It also conveys that you have better things to do than arrange a long ass text message with a bunch of filler. No need to justify yourself when making an arrangement either(i.e. I think you are interesting, let's hang out).

By doing all of this you are trying to convey to the woman that you have a busy and interesting life, that you have a lot of shit going on, and you are simply inviting her along to join you for a while in your interesting, busy, and exciting life. You stated your intentions and the parameters, now its up to her to accept or decline. You turned it into a yes or no binary proposal, not an open ended free for all where she can hamster up a diverse array of excuses. And it makes it appear like you are planning on doing whatever it is you are inviting her to do regardless of whether or not she agrees to come along, and therefore are not a thirsty man depending on her saying yes. It is conveying outcome independence. If you state you are having Lunch at XXX place at XXX time and she says no, oh well, you still had lunch.

Right and Wrong

I'm in town this weekend, are you free tonight?

WRONG. Not just because it was a question that was asked, but because there was too much bullshit. No need to justify.

So I was thinking about getting some drinks tonight.

WRONG. Open ended and too much bullshit. "So I was thinking about" = unnecessary filler.

Let me know when you are able to go out for drinks this weekend.

WRONG. Putting the ball in her court.

Come to the Smoke Pit tonight for drinks.

WRONG. Not specific enough, need a time.

So me and my friend Chad are going to be at Sherwood's Pub and drink some beers tonight at 8:30 if you want to join us.

WRONG. Too much filler and bullshit, and left it open ended with the "if".

Let's do something tonight, Drinks at Wafflestomper at 9:00

WRONG. Justification at the beginning. 2nd part was good. First part was bad, makes it look like you have nothing going on in your life.

Drinks at Micah's Bar tomorrow night at 9:30, join me/us

RIGHT.

Let's get lunch today at the Waffle House on Main Street at 11:30.

RIGHT.

Cooking dinner at my place tonight, be there at 6:00.

RIGHT.

See how it works? State the date, time, place, and the reason as abbreviated as possible i.e. "Making a home cooked meal" or "Lunch". Less is more.


Conclusions:

  1. Never ask, but state. Leave nothing open ended. Turn it into a binary proposal where she can only accept or deny. Otherwise her hamster will get the best of you every time. Do not ask if she wants to hang out, or when she can hang out, or if she wants to hang out. Instead, say where you will be at what time.

  2. Your goal is to convey outcome independence. When inviting a woman to hang out or meet up, make it appear like you are not riding on her saying yes, that you give no fucks either way, you are simply doing something you plan on doing whether or not she joins you.

  3. Another goal is to convey that you have an interesting life, a busy life, and an exciting life with a lot going on. Your time is valuable. So when you set specific date, time, and place parameters, that is the window of which you are free and she can join you in your life. Let her know this is the date and time I am free and where I will be at said time. Take it or leave it. Do not let her dictate the time and date by asking when she is free or what time works for her. Make it appear you are more busy than her with less free time and have fewer time & date options.

  4. Women like a man who is in charge, in control, and is authoritative. Not someone who is weak, wobbly, and afraid. Take charge of the logistics and do not put the ball in her court except for to accept/deny your request.

  5. Less is more. Always. Try to get your intentions across with as little words and investment as possible.