Summary: Over the course of 6 months, a series of events involving my LTR, and a plate I had oneitis for, made me realize the hard, cold and bitter truth of life, and the concrete truth behind TRP.

Introduction: I'll [M21] begin by saying I've posted recently about recent events in my life, so some of you may know some of these details. This will be a long post, but hang tight.

A little about me. 21, 5'10", admittedly a 6-7/10, in college, and a barman at the weekends. Going to the gym is my main focus, as I am a national level athlete in the sport of Olympic weightlifting, which needless to say gives me a pretty muscular and athletic physique. I'm also a teetotaler, so I don't drink alcohol. From working in a bar since I was 17, I've developed good charisma and a good ability to flirt with women, or shoot the shit with guys in a club environment. I had always been aware of TRP, since I was 16, but I took it with a pinch of salt.

The Background

It all started back in March. My LTR at the time [F20] had just admitted to cheating on me. Worse, she genuinely thought I'd be OK with it, and it was the only reason she told me. Anyway, I nutted up and dumped her. It was easy for me at the time; I was in college 5 days a week, and she was from my hometown, where I stayed at the weekends to work. Really, I saw her for about 4 hours a week, but it was enough because I loved her.

Once I had dumped her, I began to slowly realize that even after two years, she had the nerve to disrespect me like that. She threw 2 years of what we had built together down the drain for one night of fun. AWALT

As soon as I got back up to college, I was using tinder, going out at least twice a week (while in an LTR I rarely went out) and thanks to my charisma as a barman, gaming chicks was easy. Not only that, but being able to pin point the IOIs it became easy too, especially being sober.

April

Needless to say, over a few short weeks, my SMV increased, male friends gained more respect for me, and chick's I associated with realized my value was increasing. So much so, I caught the attention of one particular girl in my peer group, we'll call Anna [F23]. Anna was a solid 8/10, tight bodied, but down to earth chick. She'd just recently lost her mum, and over the course of the next week, she ended things with her LTR of 3 years. Prior to her break up, we had been talking and flirting almost every time we were together. So once she broke it off with the LTR, not two days later, I was spending the night at hers, having marathon sex.

May

The college year was ending, and I was still spinning Anna. While I had other plates, I slowly lost interest in them. Looking back, this was probably where my oneitis began to develop.

Once my final exams had finished, I stayed at Anna's for a few days before coming home for summer. We spent the time mostly having amazing sex. I remember thinking this chick is something else. So down to earth, and amazing in bed? Catch.

My thought process was that someone who had just lost their mother would be pretty grounded in reality. She seemed to deal with it well, even though they were close, and her track record of a 3 year LTR indicated she was a steady woman. NAWALT

Once I moved home for summer, she began asking the questions of when we'd meet again, how she'd like to meet again soon etc.. Eventually, she set a date later on in June where she would come visit me.

June

Slowly we realized neither of us wanted to wait that long, so it was only a week after college ended that she came down to visit me. My place was out of the question, so we ended up having some hot, sweaty sex in the back of my car. Everything was perfect, she couldn't get enough of me.

Turns out that the date she had set in June, a few days after my birthday, she had bought me and her tickets to go see one of my favorite bands who were playing in my home town, as a birthday gift. I mean, come on! Great sex and buying me shit? NAWALT!

Anyway, before the end of June I spent the night at her house, and we ended up on the topic of relationships. I asked if she felt the need to be single after a 3 year LTR, and she said no. In her words, I don't like to be single really. I like to have one person. We ended up agreeing that we'd be exclusive. She was delighted.

July

It hadn't been a week since we agreed to being exclusive, and one night I got a phone call from one of my best friends. He worked in a bar in Anna's hometown, I bet you can all see where this is going. He rings me and says Anna is in the bar right now, with some other guy, who's buying her drinks, and they're not with anyone else. I thank him, but tell him I'm at work, and to keep an eye on her and call me the next morning.

He calls, and tells me the whole story. They were kissing, and they left together in a taxi. My friend even found out the other dudes name. Now keep in mind, she had been in the same bar several times before while she was a plate, and he had seen her turn every guy down. So this was really a big shock to me. I play my cards close to my chest, and casually ask her to meet up as normal. She complies, and said she wanted to talk to me anyway.

She arrives and i play it cool. We kiss as normal, get food, go to the beach. Eventually I bring up the topic of our exclusivity, and ask if she's kept it up. She says she has, and that I'm being ridiculous in doubting her. I ask her about the night she was in the bar, and my friend seen her with another guy buying her drinks, and she denies she was even there. So I lay it all on the table, I tell her what my friend saw, and tell her the name of the guy she was with. She admits to being there with him, and states that he kissed her once but she pushed him away, and they left separately. Then she says that she's not sure about what we're doing anymore.

She tells me she needs time to be single, and that she's sorry for leading me on. She says that all she needs is a few weeks, and when September rolls around and we're back in college, we'll pick up where we left off. We leave it at that, and she drives home.

Later that evening she text me, saying she's sorry she didn't tell me about the other guy, but she was going to end things anyway and didn't want to hurt me for no reason, and reassured me that we'd pick things up in September. The next day, she has a status up on Facebook, saying she's going on holiday to Santa Ponza with her girl friends for the last week in August. Oh my, the things I began to think of. I blocked her on all social media after this.

This, along with several other events in my personal life, caused quite a bout of depression that has lasted since. I have gotten help, and done all I can to help battle it, but I'm not recovered just yet.

August and September

I spent the remainder of July and all of the month of August wallowing. Several things happened to fall apart in my life all at once, and resulted in a very serious depressive episode, where I began smoking cigarettes, fucking a lot of cheap and easy women I picked up at work or met on tinder, and two incidents where I nearly committed suicide. Throughout this whole time though, I maintained my relationships with my family and friends, and also kept going to the gym and eating healthy. I'm doing everything right, so why am I still feeling so terrible?

This week, I talked to Anna for the first time since it all happened. I asked her if we could meet up to clear the air before college started (I know this was a mistake on my part), as I didn't want things to be awkward when we would inevitably meet, but I guess deep down I really wanted it to be true that we'd pick things up again. The conversation goes as follows :

Me: I'm going to be in city where we're in college on Saturday. You free?

Her: I'm in Ponza until Sunday đź‘Ť why'd you block me on everything?

Me: Thought you wanted time to yourself?

Her: yeah but that was childish

Me: Had my reasons. Any chance to meet before college starts? Clear the air

Her: tbh no, why would I meet with someone who blocked me on Facebook, snapchat and instagram?

Me: You were the one who said we'd pick things up

Her: if we meet in doing so as friends

Me:I have enough friends at the moment.

Her: Will things be awkward in class?

Me: Not for me.

Her: Me neither :)

I was distraught. This was a few days ago, and brought me back a few steps in my depression. But I'm managing it better than before. Anyway, college commences next Wednesday, I could possibly be sitting right next to her through no fault of my own, so I'm doing all I can to kill this oneitis and bring myself back to where I was before I got involved with her.

Looking Back

The whole time, I was a chump. I was a validating orbiter before she was single, I was an easy lay after she dumped her boyfriend for further validation, I ate her bullshit stories like treats, and worst of all, I lost sight of who I was.

I couldn't have been more blind.

For now at least, the answer for me is MGTOW. I will of course spin plates, but I've decided the next year is the year for me. It's been over 3 years since I've been single for a reasonable period of time. I've done a lot of soul searching over the past month, and I've concluded that even if I meet a unicorn, I am not a man fit for a relationship, emotionally or psychologically.

Of course, a lot of questions are wrecking my head. But I know that answers are either not available, or will only hurt me more.

Things will be tough, especially considering I will have to see her daily, and probably even see her with other guys. But fuck it, she was never mine, it was only my turn. I'm not going to wallow in self pity. I am a man, and I'll act accordingly.

Lessons Learned

  • AWALT, AWALT, a thousand times AWALT
  • Don't put the pussy on the pedestal
  • Don't half swallow the pill. It's all or nothing.
  • If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
  • AWALT
  • Those damned misogynists over on TRP were right all along.

This is a great community. It's value is underrated and not appreciated enough. I have some tough times ahead of me, especially in the coming weeks. But I know I can get through it. I've made it through the worst of it, now it's a matter of weathering the storm, and refining myself.