Today I'm going to address a lesson I learned from my father on judging anyone's character, setting boundaries and a short lesson in Stoicism by Epictetus.


Money Tests Character

When I was a kid I had this friend named Karl. We use to hang out all the time, play video games, trade pokemon cards, ride bikes around the neighborhood. But as we grew older I began to notice certain things about his character. He'd make plans but then be late, or say he's going to do something but never start it. His mother passed away from cancer at 11 years old and his father kinda lost it for a bit. he came from a troubled home so I had sympathy for him. After all, I came from a well-off family and they always taught me to never judge others by their situation and always helps someone when you can.

Then we were old enough to start driving. It seemed the more freedom we gain, the more his character started to show. He was a good guy, we'd been friends for a long time but every once and a while we'd go to get fast food and he just happened to leave his money at home. Then the next week he'd suggest to our group of friends to go eat out again, again he would forget to mention he had no money till we get there and ordered, turning and begging on of us to pay for him. It became so frequent there was a running joke in our circle of friends. The joke soon turned to animosity.

While some of my friends were resolute in their opinion of Karl, I had some conflictions in how I was raised. I was always taught to help others when i could spare the hand, and at this time I had plenty of money from my work and 0 bills, so it was an easy gesture, even if I did feel slighted.

Luckily I had an awesome father, So I just went to him with the situation and he told me something that I still remember today. Because last month it applied to me again with a plate I was seeing.

"Clint, always help out those that need a hand, but only if you can afford it and they show equal or more gratitude back. A thief in any sense will bleed a good man dry. When a friend asks for money, you give it to them. Not because it's the right thing to do, but because it's the price you pay to see if they really are your friend. You aren't losing money, you're paying to see their true character. That's a price worth paying, and it will save you more than you can imagine."


It's Easy To Fuck Others

This lesson has served me well throughout the years. I've easily been able to remove toxic or vampiric people from my life with ease. I was raised to be altruistic and subsequently have had to learn how to deal with being treated like a doormat from time to time. I think it's the price you pay to be willing to help others. You can be told how to set boundaries but I don't think you learn it till others cross them and burn you in the end. Just like none of you found TRP till you needed to.

I was taught another thing as well from this lessons. Something much more important than judging someone's character. It's easy to be a bad person, to be a low life, to use people. It's easy to be Karl. And it might seem like a decent way to get things you want. After all, there are 7 billion people on this planet you can fuck over and you can't possibly fuck them all before you die. But there is one thing my father didn't address and that's the passing of time. It's been 10 years since I cut Karl out of my life. We started on equal ground mostly, neither of us went to college, neither of us were terribly great at school but there was one thing different about us. He continued to use people and i continued to give my hand out when needed.

Today he's been arrested for domestic abuse, addicted to cocaine, been homeless, can't keep a job, has a kid with a girl who hates him and has no prospect of ever breaking free from his own faults. I on the other hand have cultivated a close group of high-quality friends, friends that would help me out in any way they could and I would help them in any way I could. I have a good job with coworkers who trust me as I've helped them when they needed it and them I. I have my own house, dating multiple girls, all of which I help in some way to better themselves. I've been burnt many times, had friends that I thought would never cross me, do things I could never imagine. Girls burn me in ways I only read about here. Girl and guys both, put me in positions that I have to remove them from my life for. Each backstab a lesson, each transgression stings as much as the last. I don't think being slighted ever really stops hurting.

But it's all fucking worth it. Because it's the price you pay for not wanting to live the alternative life. It's a painful road, I will admit, Karl's life looks enticing, or it did at least when I was a boy.


Epictetus

Upon studying up on some Stoicism earlier today I ran across this passage. I use to believe my family taught altruism, it seems my family is more stoic stoic in nature;

"If you want to make progress, drop reflections like: “I will end up destitute if I don’t take better care of my affairs,” or, “Unless I discipline my slave, he’ll wind up good for nothing.” It is better to die of hunger free of grief and apprehension than to live affluent and uneasy. Better that your slave should be bad than that you should be unhappy. For that reason, starting with things of little value – bit of spilled oil, a little-stolen wine, repeat to yourself: “For such a small price I buy tranquility and peace of mind.” But nothing is completely free. So when you call your slave, be prepared for the possibility that he might ignore you, or if he does answer, that he won’t do what he’s told. He is not worth entrusting with your peace of mind." - Epictetus in 'Enchiridion'

I just recently removed a plate from my rotation. She's a huge socialite, drop dead gorgeous, has guys doing shit for her all the time, really artistic, travels the world but always has super dysfunctional relationships. I knew her from high school so her past is no secret to me. She was one of few girls In my life I deeply related too. I wouldn't say onitis, just that we came from similar childhoods, childhoods few can relate to and it's nice to find a girl like that. A rare thing i find. But, she wasn't raised to the standards I was.

I've only been sleeping with this girl for about 4 months and about 3 Weeks ago I was going to a city with some friends and decided to bring her along the way, so I spent $200 on a hotel planning have a great night. I later learned she had some serious issues with me dating multiple girls, but that was only after she disappeared from the bar we were at and i had to find her the next day. She had a story for where she went or with who it was, I didn't really care. I removed her from my life that Wednesday but only after she asked me if I would still help her with some carpentry work on her house. I laughed and said sure since i could use the work for my portfolio and if she'd repay me the $200.

She never took me up on the offer. She's now with some guy that looks straight out of magazine of poor impulse control tattoos. Guys still come over to her house that she uses for favors, work on her house etc. She has a pretty good life in reality. She's going to continue to travel. But her time will soon run out as did Karl's.

What's funny is she probably thought I was cheap, jealous or insecure on where she went. She has a string of relationships of guys fucking her over, cheating, etc. so she probably projects all those insecurities onto me. Basic damaged good's girl. It probably never occurred to her that I could care less about the $200. That's a dime in the fortune I'll make in my lifetime. $200 was well worth not wasting another minute with her. I paid to save my time.

I picked up two new plates last weekend and both are exponentially better. I'm sure this won't be the last time I have to find out someones true character but to this date, none of them have been a lose in the long run. Every slight I've ever had wasn't a stab in the back, it's wasn't betrayal or deceit, it was merely an opportunity.