I could have done this without using this method and vehicle outlined here but when I did, it helped reshape my mental models. I'm a Chevy guy (God I love southern women - and she looks strikingly similar to my woman). Maybe you've been driving a shitty Ford and want to take my Chevy for a test ride. Cool, maybe you'll like it. If you like it enough - keep it.

In a recent OYS, /u/Balls_Wellington_ wrote:

Now that the sex frequency and quality is up, I'm forced to confront another issue: I'm not reliably giving my wife orgasms during sex. I last decently long so I don't think it is a mechanical issue (or at least not entirely). My dick isn't anything special but I am dead on average so that isn't the issue either.

The obvious answer is that I am in my own head here. I've pretty much fixed my validation seeking when it comes to the availability of sex, but once I'm doing the deed I crave the validation of making her cum. I can feel this kill the vibe just as reliably as attempting to bargain for duty sex.

However, this is also something I want to figure out for more reasons than just my own validation. When she's a good girl and does exactly what I want, she deserves a reward and it sucks to have trouble giving her that. She's been giving me shit about the rareness of her orgasms as well, which I actually take as a good sign: she never cared before because sex was a chore.

I too experienced this same phenomenon through my journey. My wife would only cum 20% of the time and only from oral. I went through a few phases of mental models (in this order):

  1. I wanted my wife to cum because it meant I was good in bed (covert contract, good lover validation).
  2. I wanted my wife to cum because I thought she would enjoy sex more (covert contract).
  3. I wanted my wife to cum because I thought if she enjoyed sex, she would want it more often (convert contract).
  4. I wanted my wife to cum because I thought she liked sex now and was attracted to me (attraction validation).
  5. I wanted my wife to cum because I wanted to reward her for being a good girl (not necessarily bad in this post's context - but can be a wrong approach).

In my post linked above, the advice I was given by other MRPers was to up the dominance, introduce different toys, maybe porn… spice things up. You can see some of my early ego in that post (“I know how to make my wife cum and make her cum hard”) which was quickly read through as bullshit by /u/Cam_Winston21 – he pointed out that I could only make my wife cum one way… from oral, and it was a lot of work. It was boring. I was boring.

I took the advice of the people there and did spice things up, using variety (DEVI concepts – SGM on the sidebar - out of print but available here in the RP mega book collection) - but I was left with somewhat of the same results. She never came during sex. I could get her off from oral using clitoral stimulation. Vaginal was 100% out of the question. It was difficult and a lot of work. I was a one trick pony and secretly she despised my lack of imagination and skills, and read through my validation desire to have her cum.

It ruined everything.

There were some very, very serious mental blocks. I knew that in order to create better sex I had to destroy the shitty mental model that both of us had crafted and replace it with new ones. Even the mental model of "don't care if she cums it's her responsibility" didn't work - because she didn't know how to cum. I had trained her so very, very badly from years of shitty sex. This would take a very long time.

I wanted to create my own slut.

Here's what I did:

First, it's worth mentioning some things:

  1. I began playing with this idea about a month before my main event and our formal D/s relationship in rare sessions to introduce it.
  2. This method may have had a large part of leading to the D/s dynamic as it does introduce some very heavy mental aspects of submission.
  3. I was one of those men that used to say, "Yeah, my wife just isn't into that kind of stuff".
  4. This is now a 100% permanent fixture in our dynamic.

I began experimenting with orgasm control (there is a very good series here). I did not let her cum. In fact I forbid it. I told her during sex that she was not allowed to cum. I told her this daily. She was forbidden to masturbate. This allowed her to feel used and abused, making it a forbidden thing for her to cum. It's some weird reverse psychology shit for women. It also released all the pressure of her being inside her own head of trying to cum to *shockingly* please me (thanks Mr. Good Lover Validation). There were a lot of fucked up mental models on both sides and taking her orgasms away completely seemed to break her (and me) of these models and replace them with another one.

I started with the magic wand (corded version - moar power), which is super fucking intense for any woman. I would just shut it off mid session while talking dirty to her the whole time and telling her "Don't you dare fucking cum unless I tell you to, you little slut." or things like "You will only cum when I tell you to from now on. I own this little body of yours."

I never let her cum. If she wanted to cum, I would make her beg for it. Beg. Sometimes she would beg in a manic angry and crazy way – nearly in tears at times. I would still say no. After a few weeks of this I would maybe let her cum 10% of the time but only after the most intense begging.

About a month of that and then I would do things like count her down from 10, but stop at 1 and end the session. Just crazy shit like that blue balling the fuck out of her, until she understood that orgasm was not the goal. Pleasure was the goal. But orgasm was a reward. Which is what I was trying to get to mentally.

After that I would only let her cum when I came. She'd rub herself while she blew me or I gave her a facial. When I came I would command her to cum. She did almost every time. If she failed to cum when she had begged for it – or on command, I would blue-ball her the next night as punishment since I was unhappy that she had not accepted my gracious reward quickly. This associated my pleasure with her pleasure. Did that for a month or so.

Sometimes I'd randomly tell her to go to the bedroom and touch herself but not cum so her pussy was tighter for me that night. Other times I'd get just to edge of cumming myself and then just stop - but have her thinking the whole time she wasn't going to get to orgasm too since I was. Save it for later. Just random shit at random times.

After that I wouldn't let her cum for weeks. I’d make her tell me how many days it’s been since she got to cum each night. The longest she went was 18 days. She'd grind her little pussy on my leg at night like a little teenage girl dry humping her boyfriend, begging me to let her cum - trying to get me to cum so she could cum - all kinds of crazy tricks. Random blowjobs, all kinds of shit. I would occasionally reward her for doing something really naughty. On the 19th day I let her cum because she did something exceptionally dirty.

I created a model where I consistently pushed her to her orgasm edge and would create a rollercoaster. I would push further and further each time creating a more diverse scale of pleasure – training her to dial it up and down that scale that grew larger in each session. I used the word “harder” to command her dial it up. I used the word “no” to have her dial it down. I would say the phrase “right there you little slut” or "good girl" to make her maintain herself there on the scale.

As she learned to control her own body and made it her responsibility - dialing up, dialing down, or maintaining, I would reward her with an orgasm for doing as I pleased.

Basically, I've been working this entire time to fuck her mind.

It took a good 3-4 months to change the mental models for both me and her and to remove all blocks to learn that experiencing great pleasure was the goal. Looking back now I didn't know it then, but I taught both of us that orgasm was the explosion of that already existing and constant pleasure.... and was always in my frame.

How the sidebar (TWOTSM) led me to this:

Towards the end Deida begins to talk about some fucked up shit and withholding ejaculation as a form of power. I gave an easy version explanation of that here.

I began by withholding my own ejaculation to understand this energy and power. You want to know what makes a woman go batshit crazy from a high value man? Don't cum. Serious. Just try it and calibrate. I can't explain it until you do it.

Withholding your own orgasm because you want to and have abundance that another sexual session is anytime you want it creates new mental models for you to adopt. It is abundance, not a scarcity mentality, and she feelz through that too.

Fair question - when was the last time you just had sex without ejaculating? Just for fun? Just to fuck her? And gift her your cock? (think about that mental model for a bit)

I then moved from that to me controlling her orgasms, yes. I had to learn to control myself first and strip her of that power. She knew I had control of the most primal part of my being as a man and that flipped some major shit with her hamster - or she thought I was getting my balls drained elsewhere - until I did cum and my god.... she learned to love facials. I was blowing loads like never before.

Fuck their feelz and minds and they'll mindfuck themselves to orgasm.

Why did this work for me?

Orgasm control/denial/play was just a vehicle for me to learn how to drive down the road of sexual power exchange. We say it here all the time: Men control commitment, women control the sex. Then we tell men here to play these power games of dread and manipulative nice guy ass-fuckery to get laid (at first – until they stop faking it and actually make it - or they don't and LARP themselves to divorce).

Fuck that.

I control both the commitment and the sex. Especially when she initiates. Her job is to manage the relationship.

My wife came into my office a few days ago and said, "Hey honey. Can I bother you for a minute?" I was slightly busy and annoyed. But as I look up she just drops to her knees and says, "I just need you cock in my mouth for a few minutes, please?" - I know she's doing this because she likes playing this power game too (always aware she's actually in my frame) and is trying to be such a good slutty girl because she wants to cum tonight. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. I just go with the flow.

But you bet she’ll be begging to cum.

Where am I Now?

I've spent a lot of time training her to do the following:

  • She has an orgasm if I put my finger in her for more than 15 seconds.
  • She has an orgasm if a tiny bit of cum hits her lips.
  • She has an orgasm if I tell her to. Anytime. Clitoral. Vaginal. Currently working on Anal.
  • Orgasm on command through non-verbal cues (touch her collar a certain way).
  • She learned to squirt. On the 19th day of orgasm denial, she squirted for the first time ever in her life. Now she regularly does so after learning to control her body.
  • She still grinds my leg every night like a little teenage girl dry humping her boyfriend in bed.

The final reward for her is orgasm on command with no stimulation. I think it's hot as fuck that soon I'll just be able to look at her and whisper in her ear.... "magic words"..... and she will cum. Anywhere, anytime. I've been working on that for about 8 months now. Still about a year away.

Strength, motherfuckers.