I’m rather new to TRP and to be honest I’m still trying to make sense of how it all fits into the real world and who I am.
I discovered red pill after my ex girlfriend had broken up with me. I was and still am seriously beta (I have to recognize it and try to change it). I made myself far to emotionally available to her, I have serious oneitis.
I recognize and take responsibility for my choice in pursuing this woman, and my actions after. It’s been a month since she had broken up with me and she is already back with her abusive ex boyfriend. I can’t help but feel worthless and hurt at times. I really did put my heart out there and cared very deeply for her and I’d be lying to say that I didn’t care anymore.
She had many, many red flags that I would never usually go for but I looked past them. This has literally torn my own perception of myself, and I have been trying to rebuild myself through self improvement. She said all the right things when we were together and I genuinely thought that I will marry this woman.
After all this I had stumbled upon red pill. I read it and initially I was appalled. Then I realized why I continuously have issues with women. I’m too emotionally available, I give validation far too easily, I don’t recognize my own self worth and what I bring to the table so I don’t know when to leave for my own sake. I come on way to strong and I don’t have an abundance mindset.
I have been recently trying to put into work what I’ve been reading, and to be honest I realize all the change you see from red pill starts internally from yourself and will manifest external benefits.
It hurts to know that this game we play, that this way to keep, maintain and flourish attraction is the only way. I used to believe in a fairytale type of love, but I realize even through marriage I will have to keep up this game. I’m scared because I’m not sure i can do that.
I recently went out with a different girl, and realized how little you really have to try. I didn’t pay for anything and I literally was quiet for 90% of the conversation. I just had to listen and recognize her shit tests and make them absurd. The crazy part is she was really attracted to me. I realized that AWALT is absolutely true. Given the opportunity every girl will hurt you if there is no respect or need for validation for you.
This absolutely boggles my mind, I was always the nice guy, the white knight, when in reality all I need to do is shut up, and play it cool. I’m sure I will learn more as time goes on and as I heal. I think many men find red pill after one too many heartbreaks.
I don’t know how to get my ex off my mind, even after everything she has done to me. I still worry, care for her and fantasize about the possibility of a future with her. I know it’s wrong I’m trying to stop. I’ve slept with other women since the breakup and it really hasn’t helped.
I want to be happy and I want to be healthy. I want to be able to have self esteem that isn’t dependent upon a woman’s interest in me. I can never allow myself to be hurt again. This breakup killed me. I’ve never felt this poorly in my life. I wish I had never met her, I wish I wasn’t this in love with her when it is clear I was a distraction, a rebound and a toy for her.
It’s time to build myself, become the best person I can be. Quarantine has allowed me to find time to reflect and I’ve been slowly working towards the person I want to be.
What is my next step in healing? How long will it take? What do I do to outgrow this?
TLDR Beta dude gets heart shredded, takes responsibility. Is attempting to improve himself, but still questions his path.