I've been following RPW for over a year now, and have found that it really works magic on my two-year relationship (25F and 40M). Once I start to STFU and let him lead, all our conflicts disappear and he is loving and warm. When my nagging/controlling tendencies creep up, he becomes cold and distant. So I read Surrendered Wife and follow it to the best of my ability.
However, I'm starting to grow more resentful and anxious over having to hold my tongue all the time. I don't feel like my boyfriend's leadership genuinely inspires my respect and submission, but rather that I'm doing it because this is the only way to keep the relationship harmonious. And I'm starting to get annoyed over not having any power or control over anything.
My SO is not abusive or obviously bad. But oftentimes he makes decisions which I think are unwise. For example, he has been going out to stores a lot for nonessential things and still wants the house cleaner to come over even though we are on COVID lockdown. This makes me feel anxious/unsafe and he knows that, but he decided that the risk is logically low and he's willing to take it. Additionally he always tries to fix stuff around the house even though he's honestly bad at it. That in itself is fine with me, but whenever he tries and fails at fixing things he gets super angry and is basically cursing and yelling at inanimate objects all day. I find this super unattractive honestly but he gets very offended if I try to help or suggest hiring help. Lastly he doesn't have the healthiest lifestyle which worries me since he is already so much older than me.
It's always a huge struggle for me to get things I want. If I bitch/whine/complain he will get very pissed off and cold so I obviously don't do that anymore. But if I "bring him a problem" as this sub suggests, he doesn't really try to fix it unless I start bitching and basically force him (leading to conflicts). For example, my car mirror was broken for a year because I suck with cars and can't afford to fix it, making driving dangerous. He makes 800k a year and I'm a grad student but he never offered to help me out despite me bringing it up multiple times. Simply stating what I want doesn't help either. I recently moved into his house and wanted some basic items such as a desk, a place to do my makeup, and a trash can at the front door for walking the dog. He said those things are tacky and he doesn't want to add more furniture to his house. And I can't buy things on my own because they will be too cheap/tacky to fit in with his decor. So I just have to deal with it.
I guess I'm just sick of relinquishing all my control in this relationship. I know that's a core tenet of RPW, but I feel like I'm not reaping the rewards of a captain who takes good care of me. While I do slip up when emotions run high, for the most part I put a lot of effort into being a good, feminine partner. I cook, clean, take care of my appearance, and I try my best to be warm, pleasant, and supportive. We have a great sex life. Our relationship is overall enjoyable despite my above complaints, and he goes out of his way to do sweet things for me and tells me all the time that he adores me and wants to spend his life with me. He has good intentions but doesn't really satisfy my specific desires - for example he will cook me an extravagant steak dinner despite knowing I'm trying to eat less red meat.
I also have a pretty intense career so doing all of this is quite draining, and letting go of my masculine traits feels like I'm almost betraying myself and my identity. I am used to making my own decisions and solving problems my own way. I feel like I'm living a lie by pretending to be okay with things that I don't agree with. I guess I'm feeling pretty lost because I'm finding that RPW "works" but it's not making me happy. Maybe I'm not built for a masculine/feminine relationship? Maybe I vetted poorly? I wouldn't classify my SO as a "drunk captain" but he definitely has flaws that makes it hard for me to genuinely respect him. I'm not sure if that's his failing or a problem with my own attitude. Would love your perspectives on this. Thank you
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