Requesting advice on dealing with wife hiding something

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May 6, 2020

Hello there boys, I need your advice.

- I'm 30 years old.
I was a pathetic nice guy until I was 25 years old, situations with women changed me.
- I've been with my girl for 8 years now, with a 1 year pause in between.
- We have a son, 4 years old.
- We live together, in her house.
- Almost every week I leave on Mondays and sometimes Tuesdays too, to visit my father and I sleep in his house (I still got a room there, just in case). This puts strain off of our relationship.
- Quarantine has me stuck here now, she's going to work because she's an essential worker, I'm working from home and taking care of our son.

For one whole month my girl had trouble with a male coworker of hers, who is a basically a spoiled 24 year old child. They got along well but they started to clash to the point he wouldn't talk to her anymore, they're just 4 people in that office.
She told me he's always after girls all day long and I was almost sure he'd like some of my girl too.

She whined the whole damned month about trouble with this guy, every day she would come home to tell me what a fuck up this guy is and how the environment at work was tense, etc.

I listened, tried to give some advice the first times, then just listened because what's the point.
Suddenly, the problems were fixed. She told me one day she was going out with her coworkers, he was also going. I asked about the situation, she said all things were cool with him now, they talked it over.

I then asked what was his problem then, and what did he say.
She said she didn't remember and left it at that. She can be very forgetful, but I didn't believe her.
I fucked up, I should have faced her right then and there.


Fast forward a whole month, she comes home, says she had a good day at work, laughing and all.
I tell her it's weird how they are all getting along now with this guy (I hadn't brought it up again since then), she tells me she just speaks minimally with him.

So I tell her she never told me what he said, what his problem was.
She tells me she doesn't remember. I know her, she's lying, I tell her I don't believe her.
She tells me not to bust her balls. I looked her straight in the eye for some seconds, told her she's lying again. "I'm not lying, I don't remember, okay?"
K then. She's hiding something.

I retreated to my work and my interests, spent time with my son, absolutely ignored her from then on.
I think the problem here is evident, if this was the way around she'd be going crazy right now.
I won't assume anything but this is probably him telling her he wants a piece of ass and she doesn't want me to know, or she fucking up somehow.
This shit was last night, she went to bed early and has been basically silent, this morning included.

I'm not sure how to proceed, should I face her again, tell her to cut the shit?
Should I ignore her and keep on with my interests and work and son until she tries to come back?

I want to avoid this from snowballing if possible, all was good until yesterday.
A big fight with her could have serious consequences for me as I'd be the one leaving and that would basically fuck up my whole life, but if she's not willing to tell me the truth, that might be the resolution.

Any advice?
Thank you for reading.

Post Information
Title Requesting advice on dealing with wife hiding something
Author Fyn689
Upvotes 8
Comments 50
Date 06 May 2020 03:43 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill25 points26 points  (2 children) | Copy

If my eldest son came to me and said, "I accidentally flooded the bathroom" and I smacked him across the face what do you think he's going to do next time he fucks up?

Leadership has many styles but if yours is one where there's fear in reprisal from an honest answer you need to ask yourself what is it worth it to you to get the truth?

The problem isn't that she lied now, it's likely that somewhere in the past you shot the proverbial messenger. And then when you expect honesty from her, you double down and tell her "She's lying"

In parenting and management, 90% of the time in these situations I never ask a question I don't already know the answer to. Asking without knowledge can tip your hand and lead her into being even more covert. You're better off not asking and doing additional research, aka "trust but verify"

My youngest son will revert to lying when he's under the gun. One day a bunch of him and his buddies got into trouble in the lunchroom so I asked him, "Tell me the truth." and this time he was adamant that he was an innocent bystander. "Well, they pulled the security footage and are going to send it to me, what is it going to show me" He doubled down and said he was still innocent. Low and behold he was. Here was a case where I wasn't sure of the answer but his reaction actually told me what I wanted to know. I knew exactly what to say to get the answer, even if I wasn't sure what the answer would be.

There's other ways to get the answer but right now doubling down would make it worse.

[–]so_woke_da_wookie4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

And herein, emotion yields to wisdom.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you for your insight.
I do see how my attitude was contrary to what I was trying to achieve.
And if I don't know what to say, shut the fuck up.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret17 points18 points  (3 children) | Copy

You're a needy fuck. She probably dropped the "guy" stuff as a test early on to see how you would react. You acted needy and mate-guarded, so she ramped up the testing. You continued to fail.

My guess? 50% chance she probably actually never really said anything to him and is covering for the fake shit test she ran on you - or maybe she fucked him. Doesn't matter. It's probably just a manipulative tactic to get you to put her up on the pedestal by displaying value as being "wanted" by another man.

You're a failing faggot who puts her on the pedestal and you know it.

You should give less fucks.

My wife occasionally tries this from time to time for fun. I just ignore or ask her if he has a big dick and if he was brown. It's retarded.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, your got that right. I'm sure they talked but it just wasn't important and I made a big deal out of it, like you say, as a faggot.
Giving less fucks would definitely help.

[–]Vegasman200021 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

50% chance it's all BS? Man if my wife were that much of a liar I would rather get cheated on and make life easy. I doubt that the chance is that high; OP shouldn't be misled that she might not be attracted to, or already fucked, someone else

[–]admlawson3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I agree here. It’s hard to get the whole context virtually.

But you made her problems, your problems. Lost site of your mission and where you’re going. You elevated her to a position that shouldn’t be.

There were most likely a load of shit tests throughout all of this. And you failed. Now you have to own it and course correct.

[–]part_wolf7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

I'm not sure how to proceed.

Lift. Read the sidebar. Own your shit. Shut the fuck up.

Should I ignore her and keep on with my interests and work and son until she tries to come back?

Removing your time and attention is the only tool you have at this point, but it sounds like she's not sweating the loss of your time and attention. So it probably doesn't matter at this point.

You should be running dread on her, not the other way around.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Dread has become quite difficult during quarantine, but point taken.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Beta Dread - aka fake dread - is difficult during quarantine.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando7 points8 points  (7 children) | Copy

She hated the guy so much that she had to fuck him in order to change her opinion of him.

Now she likes him and they get along just fine.

At least once a week.

In your bed.

While you're staying over at your Dad's house.

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (6 children) | Copy

If she wasn't with our son that's definitely a possibility.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando7 points8 points  (5 children) | Copy

You honestly think that makes any difference?

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

True story: a lifetime ago my 19yo wife was banging randos from Craigslist in our marital bed while I was work and she at home.... with an infant.

[–]tightsleeves1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

u got some fair points there.

I never went back together with anyone, just this one cause of my son. The first 5 years are important and I didn't want his psyche all fucked up, and things were well with her.


Geezus, how did you uncover that scandal?

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Not sure you meant to quote that, but Chad called me right before I was about to be divorce raped and did me a bro-solid.

He met her there.

I wrote about it here

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Fucking hell man, that doesn't give me any hope at all, but thanks for the realism.
Then they wonder why do we end up in TRP.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

We give truth here. Not hope.

[–]Massive-Plate6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

Everyone will say, lift, read the side bar, and shut the fuck up.

That's all you have to do.

There are many reasons why, but here is one:

You can't fix this shit overnight. Coming here for advice isnt going to fix this. You're in this situation by doing BP things for years before.

You asked her, she denied. If you ask her again, you're a needy bitch.

How frequently is she going out with co-workers? And for how late? And where?

Once or twice a week... she's fucking him.

Once a month? Meh.

What are you doing outside of this issue? She's going out... without you.... are you going out... without her? She is showing you her worth, and you are not showing her you're a high value man.

Read the side bar, lift. Become a HVM, apply dread, and get over your onetinitus.

Ask yourself.... if she is fucking him.... how did you let it start? By being a BP faggot?

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah, once a month tops.
I do go out on my own but quarantine has stopped that.
Through all your responses I do see I suffer of oneitis. Thanks for the answer.

[–]Massive-Plate2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I do as well, you need to put yourself first, you are the prize.

If she's your center... she will lose interest.

You need to make her work for you.

[–]4thAndLong5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

with a 1 year pause in between


We live together, in her house.


I listened, tried to give some advice the first times

Women don't want advice. They just want to vent. Stop trying to fix her problems.

I asked about the situation, she said all things were cool with him now, they talked it over.

I then asked what was his problem then, and what did he say.

She can sense the scarcity mindset every time you ask something about him. Start shutting the fuck up and start not giving a fuck.

You should take this advice all the advice people are giving you and apply it to the next relationship because this one too far gone. Should have ended it when you first separated.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You got some fair points there.
I never went back together with anyone, just this one cause of my son. The first 5 years are important and I didn't want his psyche all fucked up, and things were well with her.
STFU, most definitely, everybody told me that.

[–]4thAndLong1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Is she a good mother? If so, she can be a good mother without you guys being together. If she's not a good mother you can find a better woman to raise your kid. As your son gets older, it'll be crucial for him to have a strong father. You want your son to see a good woman by your side or no woman at all. Just my .02 good luck, man.

[–]hibloodstevia5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

She fucked him the night they went out, obviously.

[–]macheagle5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

How old is your wife? That’s not a piece of information you should leave out, especially when you’re only 30.

That guy is likely demonstrating dominance (by being disagreeable, calling her out on her shit, etc) and your girl was pleasantly shocked by how there’s finally a man who had enough balls to sweep her off her feet. Nothing dries up pussy faster than total agreeableness, as it is a sign of the weak.

Because you pushed for answers you don’t yet know, she has been tipped off and will likely be more discreet. However it will eventually ease. Go lift, act cool, focus on your son and your mission. When her guard is down, she will inevitably slip. Be vigilant for when that happens.

[–]Tiway224 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

Living in her house, worried about another guy - you have some work to do man.

How fit are you, and how quickly could you replace her if you wanted to?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

My life's been economically rough. I'm fixing that up now, the country I live doesn't help with economics, but yeah, not fun living in her house.
I'm decently fit, can be better. I could quickly replace her but not with the standard of women I'd like.

[–]tightsleeves0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

country I live doesn't help with economics

Learn this rule quickly; No one but you (and maybe your parents) are going to help with anything. Stop expecting anything and achieve what you want in life. Knowing this your expectations will be aligned with reality and things will go smoother

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

She tells me not to bust her balls. I looked her straight in the eye for some seconds, told her she's lying again.

What did you hope to accomplish here besides letting her know she’s running dread on you very effectively?

STFU about it. Don’t bring him up again. It’s a lose/lose- is she’s fucking him, she’ll lie. If she’s not, she’s going to keep dreading you with it.

You clearly have ONEitis. You need to start working on yourself to reverse this situation. She should be the one worried about you because you are an attractive man women want to fuck. She shows no signs of any dread on her side.

As always - Lift, Sidebar, STFU

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I've definitely re-fell into oneities, all these answers made it very clear to me now.
Working on me it is. Thanks for the answer.

[–]brianmcg3214 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

I hate to tell you, when your girl has a big problem from some dude at work, then suddenly she stops talking about him, almost as if he doesn't work there anymore. That usually means she's now fucking him.

There are dozens of stories just like that in the survivinginfedelity forum.

He's like the boy pulling her pig tails on the playground. She tells on him at home, but she really likes it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I've thought about it.
I'm not sure but it is a possibility.

[–]psychoduckly0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–]ancient_resistanceShit coming out my eyeballs4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

I want to avoid this from snowballing if possible

That ship has sailed

A big fight with her could have serious consequences for me as I'd be the one leaving and that would basically fuck up my whole life

You have enslaved yourself to her with this attitude. As long as you see things this way, your family will be miserable.

Here's your plan:

I ignore her, STFU, lift, sidebar, and keep on with my interests and work and son until she tries to come back

This is about you faggot. It's your fault. This has nothing to do with her.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah man, it's hard not to think of the consequences of a breakup, but indeed most of my problems stem from that fear that I shouldn't have.
Thanks for the tips

[–]z2a1-94 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Biggest problem is "We live together in her house", you da bitch man fix that first.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Working on it. Not easy to buy a house in my country, but yeah, I'm on it.

[–]psychoduckly1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

First thing: Get two backup chicks lined up to replace her when she leaves you.

[–]dilberryhoundog1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Do you read the posts on MRP? u/HornsOfApathy just gave you the answer...

You should be entering the launch codes on your relationship nuke right now.

99% chance she’s already launched her nuke.

With the 1% chance she hasn’t, if she values the relationship with you above all else. She will come clean, whereby you will have a serious amount of frame improvement to achieve.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Meh. I don't know about that. I think he is just a shit test failing idiot.

[–]Redrover8572 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Why do you leave your wife and child overnight to sleep at daddies house?

[–]Tyred_BiggumsRed Beret8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

Maybe the dude has a race car bed there.

[–]WolfofAllStreetz0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Getting a CB radio for my birthday.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

There's three reasons.
My father bust his ass all throughout my childhood and teen years to give our family everything and never had time for me, he regrets that.When my parents divorced, when I was 16, my mother fucked him over, so now that we both have the time, I pay the old man a visit.

The second reason is that as I'm in the shitty position of living in her house, it shows her that at least I've got another roof where to drop dead. If she saw that I've got nowhere else to go, her woman psyche would make things extremely difficult.

Third is that when I go to his house, most times I go out. That's part of the dread.

[–]Vegasman200020 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

FWIW MRP isn't Dear Abby or an advice column.

That said, you now know what is going down.

[–]vabab80 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Any updates?

[–]Tambamwham0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

“Hand over your phone.” After months promise him complaining about him and saying everyone has a problem with him, you just accept that she forgot?

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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