Overview
When you woke up this morning, what did you do? How much of that routine did you do without thinking? Our day is a series of habits that guide our actions and how we spend our time. We can spend that time on high value activities or low value activities. We can develop habits that are high value and stop habits that are low value. In MRP, our MAP is that plan for which habits that we want to start and habits that we want to stop.
As u/ImNotSlash said, we need to Unfuck our habits. I hope to build on his post by exploring specific strategies on how to build new habits and change old ones. At MRP, our default response is to Lift, Sidebar, and STFU. Rightfully so. Changing your habits will help you make this a reality.
Yes, I am going to shit for this post. "Just fucking make it happen!" Well, fuck you, I think we could all make progress faster if we understood our habits. So, I'm swamping notes here.
Habits
u/ImNotSlash already described a habit. I also like Charles Duhigg's definition from The Power of Habit,
[Habits are].. the choices that all of us deliberately make at some point, and then stop thinking about but continue doing, often every day.... we stopped making a choice, and the behavior became automatic.
This speaks to MRP, where we either used to be Alpha, but we developed new Beta habits and stopped thinking about it or we were career Beta's that made these habit choices in childhood (see NMMNG) and it's just automatic now. So much of the MRP veteran's response to new people are to fucking step up, make a choice, take action, and change your behavior.
At some point, we all consciously decided how to respond to someone questioning our judgement, how much to workout, how much to eat, or how to respond to rejection. Overtime, it just becomes automatic. With MRP, we become aware of how these automatic responses impact our attraction and sexual strategy. This post can help you rebuild those habits to whatever you choose.
Habit Loop
To rebuilt your habit, you have to understand how habits work. It's a simple three step loop:
- Cue - There is a trigger that tells your brain to go into automatic mode and use a habit. It could be a visual trigger, a time of day, an emotion, a place, a sequence of thoughts, etc.
- Routine - There is a routine that we follow. This could be a physical, mental, or emotional routine.
- Reward - There is a reward. This could be physical sensations like sex, food, drugs, but could also be emotions like pride, calmness, etc.
Example - This is a helpful visual where your phone vibrates (cue), you automatically check for a new message (routine), and you get a momentary thrill / distraction from real work (reward).
Example - When we DEER, is a MRP example of an automatic habit. Your wife asks why you haven't cleaned the dishes yet (cue), you just automatically explain how you were busy doing the laundry (routine), and feel relieved when the conflict settles and tension / attention decreases (reward). You don't even think about why you responded that way, until you read WISNIFG and NMMNG. In this case the reward is subtle, I'd say it's an emotion reward where we avoided conflict and "Ah" it's calm again.
Example - It's 5PM, (cue) you pack up your bag, and head to the gym. (routine) That's just what you do now, you're a man and you lift. You lift, and afterwards you feel satisfied, calm, and proud you spent this time on you. (reward) You also get those endorphins pumping. (reward)
Strategies
It is not easy to create or stop a habit, but you're a fucking man and can do this. There are some strategies you can use to help.
Time Boxing / Time Blocking
As /u/RStonePT said, your time is valuable. You fill your time with high value activities. One cue for a habit is time of the day. It's 5PM and that means I do __. The strategy is to deliberately plan every minute of your day and ask yourself "What should I be doing now?" You can use the time of the day as your cue to start a habit routine.
This image shows my plan for a random work day from 8-4 and here is an example from Cal Newport. Every line is a half hour. Hell, Elon Musk apparently time boxes down to every five minutes and Benjamin Franklin did it.
To look broader, this is my plan for a typical weekday. Weekends vary too much, so every Saturday morning, my Wife and I time box on a whiteboard for that weekend.
Tips
- Be flexible. Unexpected things come up and you adjust your schedule. Things take less / more time than expected. It's about being intentional on how you spend your time.
- Compare your day to your MAP. Where did you spend time that was not a high value activity? Where was your time not reflecting your MAP? What should you have done instead? Adjust your time boxed schedule.
- You can timebox fun activities, creative work, etc. Making a schedule doesn't ruin life's fun.
Recognize The Cue - Change The Routine
Next time you DEER, play video games, or do some other stupid shit, ask yourself "What triggered that behavior / response / action?" You want to find the cue that triggered the behavior you are trying to change. The cue is usually a location, a time, an emotional state, other people, or an action right before. When you are trying to figure out why you did something stupid ask yourself:
- Where am I?
- What time is it?
- What's my emotional state?
- Who else is around?
- What action preceded this urge / routine?
After you find the cue, then work on replacing the routine with a better one. When ____(cue), I will _____ (routine) because it provides me with ____(reward).
"When my wife bitches at me about being late, I will STFU, because it provides me with ___." Fill in that last part on your own, if you can.
Example - I have a low value activity where I play video games at night. I want to change that to do a high value activity. Last time I played video games, I realized it and said, "You fuck, what are you doing?" then I thought about what happened right before I picked up that controller.
It was about 9PM (time), I was in my kitchen (location), I was bored (emotional state), no one was around, and I just finished my protein shake (proceeding action). I made a plan that next time this cue happens, I will grab my Kindle to read MRP books. I will replace the routine and break this loop.
Start A Habit - Create A Cue & Reward
To create a new habit, you need to choose a cue that will start your routine and choose a reward. You Then, you have to do that over and over and over. You start to want that reward, expect that reward.
Your trying to unfuck yourself, right? That means you have some new habits you need to start. You need to lift, you need to agree & amplify, etc.
- Create A Cue - Start by picking a simple cue for your new habit. Something like putting your gym clothes on when you wake up, or an alarm notification, or that feeling of anger that bubbles when you when your wife starts bitching. When I feel that anger bubbling (cue), I will ___.
- Make Your Routine - This is the new behavior you want to start like STFU, lifting, etc,
- Create A Reward - Think about your reward will be. It could be a feeling like pride, satisfaction, etc. It shouldn't be an ice cream sandwich after a workout, you fat fuck. Ideally, your reward should be internal, not external. Think Stephen Covey, you want private victories.
Effort Pacts
Make it hard for yourself to start your bad habit routine. If you are trying to cut and you have a bad habit of getting stressed (cue) and eating chips (routine) to lower stress (reward). You can use increase the effort it takes to get those fucking chips. Don't buy them, put them farther away, etc.
By making it harder for you to do the bad habit, you get more time to ask if it's worth it and stop.
Example - This is a personal example. I am trying to stop jerking off. Before MRP, when I go to take a shower (cue), I would bring my phone into the bathroom and browse reddit while taking a shit. (cue) Then, I would start browsing NSFW, jerk off (routine), and it felt pleasurable (reward). Fucking disgusting, right? Now, I don't take my phone to the bathroom, I leave it in a drawer in my living room with my keys and wallet. I made it harder for myself to do this bad habit.
It's fucking weird. I go to take a shower and my brain starts thinking about sex, porn, jerking off, etc. My phone is not there, I stop and think "What the fuck, brain?" and take a shower. That cue is still there, my brain is still trying to play out that routine. Now, though, I made it harder myself to fuck myself.
Action - Look at your bad habits. Look at your red areas on your MAP. How could you make it so it's harder to do that bad habit?
Price Pacts
Put your money where your mouth is. We are more motivated to avoid loses than to seek gains. A price pact is to put money on the line to do what we say we will. If you fuck up, you lose that money.
Example - Let's say you want to go to the gym 4 days a week. You take a $100 bill, a calendar, and place it nearby. You track every time you go to the gym. If you don't go to the gym 4 days in a week, you take a lighter and burn that $100 bill.
Tips
- Price pacts are for behaviors you can control.
- Do this for short tasks.
- Set a price that matters to you.
Identity Pact
Who you view yourself affects how you lead your life. MRP is often about rebuilding your identity to become the Chad Thundercock who is the ultimate judge of himself, captain of his ship, the prize, etc. As Nir Eyal said, "Our perception of who we are changes what we do." This is true with MRP with the phrase "I am the prize." It is how we think of ourselves.
Think of the "accountability mirror" that David Goggins talks about. Those sticky notes on that mirror is how he was reshaping his identity.
Example - Recently in one of my own pitiful OYS posts, I said I jerked off and /u/Tyred_Biggums said "Change your mindset to 'I do not jerk off' that's it." He was telling me to change how I see myself. To see jerking off as something I simple did not do. It wasn't apart of my identity anymore, I'm not that guy anymore.
Example - This might sound gay as hell, but after a workout, (cue) I found myself looking at my gains in the mirror and saying "I am the prize." (routine) and felt confident (reward). Unconsciously, I was trying to realign my identity. To build the self-image I wanted. It's straight from NMMNG and having a set of affirmations.
Action - Give yourself a moniker, a name for your MRP identity. Alot of you already did this with your MRP username. It's what you call yourself that helps shape your self-image.
Action - Write your list of affirmations to build how you see yourself. This is my list, "I am the prize. I am my captain. I am my own judge. I own my decisions and the consequences. I put my own needs first. I am who I want to be and fuck everyone else. I can handle anything. I am the leader of myself and my family. I am decisive and take the lead. I am the only person I have to please. If it’s something I want to do, then that’s what I’ll do."
Yeah, it's alot of common MRP phrases. Fuck you, I'm still faking it until I make it. I won't need to look at that list one day because it will just who I am in my actions and thoughts.
How you see yourself is a habit of thought. We can change that habit.
Keystone Habits
Some habits are more important than others. I think that's partly why MRP suggests Lift, Sidebar, and STFU. These habits are the keystone habits of MRP. You start / change those habits and they start cascading into other habits.
This strategy is to pick a short list of habits to focus on. Make those your keystone habits that will make the biggest change. It's similar to focusing on the red areas of your MAP.
Example - For me, lifting is a keystone habit. If I lift, I tell myself "Shit, I better eat more at this dinner and I better have that protein shake. I'm going to need it to recover." I tell myself "I need to get to bed now or I'm going to feel sore as fuck tomorrow." Once I started lifting, it was much easier to eat more, eat healthier, sleep more, etc.
Action - MRP gives newbies the first keystone habits: Lift. Sidebar. STFU. You might be past the basic advice, but you could still identify your short list of keystone habits you need to start / stop to improve.
Conclusion
I'm still figuring this shit out, but these strategies have helped me create new habits and change old habits related to MRP.
Resources
- This graphic is a good flowchart on modifying habits
- The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg
- Atomic Habits by James Clear
- Cal Newport Blog Post
- Indistractable by Nir Eyal
there doesn't seem to be anything here