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How to respond to wife when she says she wants me to share more of my vulnerabilities/emotions

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May 11, 2020
15 upvotes

Hey MRP,

It's been a while since I've visited the RP community. I got married late last year to a woman that I find very attractive. The TLDR is that my alpha game (frame, being a strong oak, not being emotionally weak) is strong, but my wife, who is much more emotional, feels that I'm distant when I do that and she feels emotionally weak compared to me. How can I help my wife feel comfortable while at the same time being emotionally very strong? Is that even the right question to be asking or is there a different way to think about it?

I remember seeing a post a long time ago about how when dating, girlfriends look for alpha characteristics in men. But when married, a married man should know how to use both the alpha and beta characteristics to 1) attract her wife and 2) make her feel cared for. I can't find that post now and the situation that I'm in I think is related to just that.

I'm think I have a strong emotional frame. Nothing really bothers me to the point where it affects my emotions. Things only bother me enough for me to take action to fix it or trust that it'll get fixed another way if it's not high priority. Something goes bad at work? Doesn't really bother me, I'll fix it or it'll work itself out. Something broke at home? Doesn't bother me, we'll get a new thing. etc. I can compartmentalize my emotions well so I don't negatively affect my wife through the difficult things she's going through.

My wife, on the other hand, tends to get more emotional. She recently moved up with me (we were long distance), and is transitioning here. She doesn't have friends, is not well acquainted with the area, and just started a new job. Everything is in transition and it makes it emotionally hard for her. On top of that, she's a perfectionist and can be very hard on herself and me. For example, when things aren't done the way she likes them to be done in the kitchen, she snaps at me. She knows this is not right, but she can't separate the tough emotions she's dealing with with moving to a new place and small annoyances in the kitchen.

My frame contrasted with my wife's feels makes her think that I'm distant and unrelateable. She also feels inferior or weak compared to me because I'm able to better deal with my emotions. She things one way that I can help her feel better is by showing more vulnerability. I think this is a bad idea (I think it's a shit test) because I don't think neither her nor I actually want to be vulnerable for her. I think that vulnerability will just add another burden onto her, make me look weak, and cause her to lose respect for me. How can I help my wife feel comfortable while at the same time being emotionally very strong? Is that even the right question to be asking or is there a different way to think about it?

Lifting stats (I'm on the StrongLifts 5x5):

  • 5' 10", 155 lbs
  • DL: 305, Squat: 225, Bench: 170, OHP: 115, Bent over row: 195

Post Information
Title How to respond to wife when she says she wants me to share more of my vulnerabilities/emotions
Author BayAreaRPChristian
Upvotes 15
Comments 31
Date 11 May 2020 03:31 AM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/662496
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/ghfxuh/how_to_respond_to_wife_when_she_says_she_wants_me/
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Comments

[–]AnyHead17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy

You’ve been married for less than a year? And just recently moved in together and quit being “long distance”? The scene you describe sounds like trying to work out expectations with a new roommate, versus dialogue with a spouse. You sound to be giving her a ton of benefit of the doubt about her emotional reactions being circumstantial, when it seems you don’t exactly have a long history with her.

Your examples of “alpha game” and all speak toward stoicism on some level, but I’d caution conflating that alone with “being an oak.” The latter is a heuristic for being not only strong enough to weather her emotional storms, but also the secure and reassuring presence which provides shelter from the storm for herself. Just because you’re chill about shit doesn’t mean you’re helping anything.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret15 points16 points  (1 child) | Copy

[–]z2a1-90 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is your answer

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret26 points27 points  (12 children) | Copy

You cannot be an emotionless robot. You need to learn to express your emotions like a man.

I would suggest a read of TWOTSM (sidebar). Audio version, its on audible. You still have a long way to go, but at least your post doesn't make you sound like a complete faggot.

Also, if you're scared of showing vulnerability your frame is shit.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

Also, if you're scared of showing vulnerability your frame is shit.

Ding ding ding ding

OP, you’re trying to be Mr. Alpha, evidenced by her saying you should show more vulnerability. In other words, she sees through your act, so she’s trying to get to the real you. It’s a shit test, but it’s also a comfort test. Well, it’s a “shitty comfort test.”

Don’t be so afraid of vulnerability. If you show it for I’m a position of strength, it can still be masculine. Just don’t go full beta Billy and start spewing out all your fears over the years.

You are somewhat on the right track, trying to practice stoicism, but don’t be afraid to show your human side. When I’m pissed about something, I’m not afraid to vent for a minute or 2 and then move on.

I’m seeing an inconsistency because you are saying your emotions don’t bother you, but then there’s a series of “she” statements, which shows that your emotions and fear about her do bother you. Way to many “she’s” and “hers” for someone who doesn’t let his feelings get to him.

Do you see the contradiction?

So, generally, you are right, take up your issues with your men friends... but don’t be robotic... she can see through it... that you’re actually trying to be stoic.

Stoicism should come naturally, and it is the result of building a strong frame....

And as /u/HornsofApathy said, your frame is shit since you’re scared of showing vulnerability. I’d encourage you to not DEER this point. Instead, take a good long honest look at your frame. You’ve given us very limited information about yourself and a lot about “her,” so it’s hard for us to help you fix the frame issues.

But, like Horns said (on fire by the way lately Horns, duly noted), your post isn’t total faggotry, so that’s a decent start.

I recommend you do weekly OYS posts with detailed information about you (not her). That will accelerate your growth.

Also, your lifts are week. Up your calories, and hit the gym weights extra hard for the next 6 months. Then, the only thing she’ll want to open up is her legs.

[–]dilberryhoundog2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Vulnerability is ok, weakness is not.

[–]ancient_resistanceShit coming out my eyeballs2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Vulnerability is ok, weakness is not.

The key difference is control. A weak man cannot control display of his weakness. A strong man can selectively reveal his vulnerability when appropriate, and return to strength afterward.

[–]dilberryhoundog0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Vulnerability is potential weakness.

Weakness is exploited/ realised vulnerability.

Somebody knowing your vulnerability, but you never let it manifest into a weakness, will appear as invulnerability. This is true for armies, sports teams, businesses, relationships.

Your body builds muscle when lifting in the gym because it has detected a physical vulnerability. So it endeavours to strengthen the vulnerability.

Weakness will eventually destroy you. Vulnerability will grow and strengthen you, provided it doesn’t turn into a weakness.

[–]hack3geRed Beret1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

So either TWOTSM is way over my head or all you guys are actually blue pill faggots larping - I’m not sure which but really it doesn’t matter.

I’m lost as to what the fuck vulnerability you would be expressing.

[–]Cl_ARK2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Your reply implies that you are operating under the assumption that being vulnerable is limited to blathering things like "I'm afraid you'll leave me" or "Sometimes I think I'm a fraud at work." or "My mom always seemed to like my brother more than me."

In WOTSM, the entire theme of "living at your edge" is about vulnerability. Any time you put yourself in a place to be rejected or fail, you are exposing vulnerability.

Openly pursuing what you want is vulnerable. Approaching a woman is vulnerable. Posting for a promotion is vulnerable. Setting boundaries is vulnerable.

In my experience, a woman who wants you to express vulnerability is a woman who wants to know you care about something enough to set your fear aside and take action.

[–]hack3geRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Well that’s some shit right there because that’s not vulnerability that’s called living in your own frame and that’s fucking RP 101.

Y’all can go back to talking about being vulnerable and I’m gonna go pick heavy shit up, put it down and do and say whatever the fuck it is that I want to.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

It's not "what" he should be expressing, but the fact that he is LARPing Alpha and its not congruent. He is afraid. His woman sees through it. It's the "how" that matters.

What and if are in her frame squarely.

[–]hack3geRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I dunno I’m just feeling like if we hung out you would wanna hold hands, cuddle and talk about our feelings.

If it’s about frame can’t we just say that? These fucking retards have a hard enough time with the basics and now we are going on about being vulnerable.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Ha! I'll bring the smores and blanket.

It is all about frame, yes. But OP's frame is fairly shitty and he's having problems with it as evidenced by his wife reading through that shit.

These fucking retards have a hard enough time with the basics and now we are going on about being vulnerable.

Yeah, they do have a hard time. And they'll likely never get it... at least to the depth that a lot of the vets here got to. You know what vulnerability I'm talking about here within context - you're not obtuse. I know you do because of our exchanges.

I enjoy the challenge of trying to explain my known universe to children seeking it.

Half the shit I write isn't for the OP, it's for the other guys reading along here that are seeking knowledge for ego death, grinding, and not puking in askmrp.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Also, if you're scared of showing vulnerability your frame is shit.

Holy Shit.

Student becomes the Master.

[–]Cl_ARK3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

The type of vulnerability you want to exhibit is simply being accountable to yourself, not hiding your failures, and allowing others to accept or reject what you are.

Most guys see vulnerability as displaying to their woman that they love and trust them enough to show their fallibility, and they think women will find this endearing. They don't.

Vulnerability is simply being honest in your values. This type of honesty is vulnerable because it gives the other person the space to reject what you stand for, or to see you fail. It provides a bullseye for exactly where to go to hurt you.

If you're faking it, your frame is a facade. Your wife seeing that it isn't perfect and strong ruins the act, and it falls apart. You can't really be vulnerable, because there's no honesty. What you've built up as your frame is designed to hide the truth.

If you're a confident man who lives as his own judge, wife seeing your failures doesn't crush your frame. The frame you've built is genuine, you know exactly where and what it is. You know where it's unfinished, and you're working on making that stronger. And you're aware of and own the fact that you are where you are, and where you're working to go.

This doesn't mean you draw her attention to your weak points. You saying "Well, this is weak but I'm working on it", or being self-deprecating about yourself is usually coming from a place of neediness. It's you saying "I don't like this about myself, and I need you to tell me it's OK". Whose frame are we in now?

[–]RedPillGlasses7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

You moved in with (AND MARRIED) a woman you barely spent any time with (in real life) and are now confused about why it’s going poorly.

Got it.

Maybe you shouldn’t have chosen a woman that lived 1000 miles away from you faggot.

[–]Luis_McLovin2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

a man is in control of his emotions, a robot has no emotions and a boy is controlled by his emotions.

which are you?

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Stop letting her live rent free in your head.

[–]arxdit3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

"my very strong emotion right now is to LAUGH LIKE A MAD MAN" and proceed to laugh like an evil genius

[–]pussykiller009-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Keep quiet

[–]arxdit0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

this is advanced class

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

So you lift..

DL: 305, Squat: 225, Bench: 170, OHP: 115, Bent over row: 195

Yet one year ago these were your 1RMs..

DL: 315, S: 215, B: 145

What the fuck is up here? 10lbs onto your squat and DL in a year - that's fucking pathetic.

So you've been away from the RP community for a while. That explains why you're still asking the same questions you were asking last year, like..

how do I increase my comfort game with her without maintaining frame with things like passive dread and assertiveness that comes with STFU and DARE?

What do you want us to do here? Drag your skinny ass down to the gym and get you to lift heavy? Would you like us to tuck you into bed every night and read the sidebar to you before you go to sleep?

Seems like the only thing you actually know how to do is STFU only you appear to be on the autistic spectrum of shutting the fuck up.

Fuck off and do the work.

[–]becoming_alpha4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Watching SBIII dig through someone's post history and call them out on their BS really brightens up my day. All is right in the world.

[–]Chump_No_More0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Easy. Don't.

[–]z2a1-90 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

So you married her because you find her very attractive, sounds like a fuck up in the making...

[–]DrBeaufort0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You are confusing being hard with being strong. They are very different, often opposites- people are hard because they are terrified of being vulnerable, not because they are calm and strong. Read about 'empathetic fogging' in WISNIFG and here. Edit: That said, you still need to decide if being vulnerable is a good idea in a particular situation.

[–]Ivabighairy10 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Lie. Never, EVER show a woman your insecurities or vulnerabilities. She doesn’t really want to know.

[–]BluzzKill0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's a trap

[–]hack3geRed Beret-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Stop being a fucking faggot, lift and do what makes you happy - life gets a lot easier when you give zero fucks about what comes out of a woman’s mouth. Unless it’s your load in which case you tell her next time she better swallow.

[–]SoggyTrainCucked by machines0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

^^^This.

OP why don't you just keep doing everything your wife tells you to do, that will keep her happy.

Or just do what the fuck you want and stop worrying about what is going on in your wife's head.



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