It's been a while since I've visited the RP community. I got married late last year to a woman that I find very attractive. The TLDR is that my alpha game (frame, being a strong oak, not being emotionally weak) is strong, but my wife, who is much more emotional, feels that I'm distant when I do that and she feels emotionally weak compared to me. How can I help my wife feel comfortable while at the same time being emotionally very strong? Is that even the right question to be asking or is there a different way to think about it?
I remember seeing a post a long time ago about how when dating, girlfriends look for alpha characteristics in men. But when married, a married man should know how to use both the alpha and beta characteristics to 1) attract her wife and 2) make her feel cared for. I can't find that post now and the situation that I'm in I think is related to just that.
I'm think I have a strong emotional frame. Nothing really bothers me to the point where it affects my emotions. Things only bother me enough for me to take action to fix it or trust that it'll get fixed another way if it's not high priority. Something goes bad at work? Doesn't really bother me, I'll fix it or it'll work itself out. Something broke at home? Doesn't bother me, we'll get a new thing. etc. I can compartmentalize my emotions well so I don't negatively affect my wife through the difficult things she's going through.
My wife, on the other hand, tends to get more emotional. She recently moved up with me (we were long distance), and is transitioning here. She doesn't have friends, is not well acquainted with the area, and just started a new job. Everything is in transition and it makes it emotionally hard for her. On top of that, she's a perfectionist and can be very hard on herself and me. For example, when things aren't done the way she likes them to be done in the kitchen, she snaps at me. She knows this is not right, but she can't separate the tough emotions she's dealing with with moving to a new place and small annoyances in the kitchen.
My frame contrasted with my wife's feels makes her think that I'm distant and unrelateable. She also feels inferior or weak compared to me because I'm able to better deal with my emotions. She things one way that I can help her feel better is by showing more vulnerability. I think this is a bad idea (I think it's a shit test) because I don't think neither her nor I actually want to be vulnerable for her. I think that vulnerability will just add another burden onto her, make me look weak, and cause her to lose respect for me. How can I help my wife feel comfortable while at the same time being emotionally very strong? Is that even the right question to be asking or is there a different way to think about it?
Lifting stats (I'm on the StrongLifts 5x5):
- 5' 10", 155 lbs
- DL: 305, Squat: 225, Bench: 170, OHP: 115, Bent over row: 195