TL:DR - Emotions have frames and generate energy to which others in turn will react. In a battle of emotional frames, one emotion will eventually yield to the inertia of the other and that emotion will drive the rest of the interaction. That's how sexual attraction itself works.
This is a vital skill to master to overcome the pain body test, when the deepest shit within her and you surfaces.
EMOTIONS, EMOTIONAL ENERGY AND EMOTIONAL FRAME
This started out as another comment to Vanguard u/bsutansalt 's post on women mirroring a man's emotional state. There was this line in his post "... This is why women don't want Mr Fix-It, but rather a man who will just listen, pat them on the proverbial head, and tell them everything will be ok..."
A very good example is in the MRP subreddit, the post "Unstoppable Emotional Inertia" where OP snaps his wife out of getting sucked into a black hole by holding frame and then coming up with something really creative to change the mood of the moment altogether (He's also pretty strong to do that move btw).
Emotion happens where the mind meets the body. Emotions are primarily reactive states and unlike thoughts, which may be considered "thin and gaseous", they're dense "liquids" - they have an inertia about them so they just can't switch instantly from one thought to the next like your mind. The more intense the emotion, the more time and energy is required before they change flavor. They also arise in parallel - you can feel many conflicting emotions at once. But thoughts are linear -- with thoughts you have to jump from one thought to the next. There's no point reasoning with emotions once they arise as they are reactions to things that have already happened.
But you do have control over how you respond to that situation. You are not a victim even when it feels like you're helpless. You also have the power to change the emotions by changing the situations and actions or words that create emotions - i.e. by changing the emotional frame instead.
Frame is not just a rational set of beliefs. Emotions have their own frame, even if they do not come from a place where you can describe that frame in words. Introspect enough, and you can find the underlying story behind every emotional frame.
Emotions generate their own energy. It's a powerful burst of "flavored" consciousness - so it has power - the power of one mind and body to influence another. Emotions are also capable of operating at a collective level like a hive mind, which is why protests often flare up the way they do and why the best way to disburse the energy is to break up the protest. You see this in any pack animal as well.
The specific flavour of emotional energy generated decides the emotional frame of the moment and vice versa. Emotional frame is therefore never fixed in a state of pure reactivity - by default it is as fluid as water. It has to be held by your ability to hold presence and stay on top of your own emotions. It can be consciously created or changed by inspiring different emotions in others, but this is an art, a skill that needs to be mastered. The most influential people in society are masters of this art.
The key is this -- In any interaction between 2 people, there are always 2 emotional frames pushing on each other at all times These emotions may change from time to time, but there is never an interaction without an emotional frame involved. There are always 2 or more energies trying to influence the emotional environment at all times in any interaction. If you do not set the frame beforehand, whichever reactive emotion of the moment arises will set the frame instead. Eventually one of them will yield to the power of other, and that frame will then go on to shape the next stage of interaction.
This is especially true in sexual emotions. You can visibly, palpably feel it. It's why we get aroused seeing others do anything remotely sexy. Sexual arousal is one of the strongest reactive emotions. One of the few where the actual physical impact can be easily seen. This is how the entire process of sexual attraction works. The whole process of attraction is simply generating enough sexual energy to override all other thoughts and emotions. Much more than physical, it's the emotional arousal that leads to orgasms, without that touching your dick or touching her won't do much on its own. Ultimately your success or failure at game and relationships all comes down to what kind of energy you're putting out and what emotions you trigger in women.
There are also other situations where emotions are not so cooperative and you have 2 people in two totally different states. Each of them is generating their own energy. In a situation where intense emotions of various types are involved, emotions are literally fighting frame vs frame. One of them will eventually yield to the inertia of the other, and that person will enter the others' frame. That emotional energy will gain dominance over the interaction.
WHAT EMOTIONAL FRAME INVOLVES
There are three elements involved in emotional frame - One is creating the emotional frame you need in the first place. The second element is holding on to your frame at moments where it is tested. The third is to persuade others to enter into your emotional frame.
While we cannot control or guarantee the kind of emotions in others or the way others will react to us, we DO have the power over creating and holding the emotional frame. We can influence the emotional environment, in fact we are subconsciously doing so ALL the time. But we cannot do this by directly trying to wrestle or reason with reactive emotions - remember, emotions are reactions, reactions to something else that triggered them. That's what we need to work on.
What kind of emotional frame we create comes from what energy we put out at all levels - physical, emotional, mental, our actions, our words, our clothes, tone, our track record, the way we react to situation, our relationships, our consciousness, our presence.
Every dimension of ourselves generates energy to which others react emotionally. These are all the emotional triggers and it is these that we can directly work upon By working on some or all of these triggers, we can set a particular type of frame.
Too many people are far too unconsciously reactive and therefore have no control over their setting or holding emotional frame. Their emotions are like horses without a driver, going wherever their own momentum takes them. Their minds just hang on for the ride and their hamsters come up with explanations to support their emotions. Their bodies suffer from the indiscipline arising out of compulsive unconscious behaviour. Such people will lose frame (and their shit) very easily when their emotional frame collides with another's frame. Therefore they remain helpless victims, full of resentment over their powerlessness. That resentment eventually brings their pain body to life, and when it awakens it can result in destructive behaviour.
Their real source of powerlessness lies in their own lack of power over their own frames, especially the emotional frame. These people are victims of themselves beneath it all.
If you want to see emotional frames at work, just watch sports where mind matters more than technique. You can visibly feel the frame shift back and forth over the course of the contest. When two opponents are almost at equal skill, the side that wins will be the one that held up mentally where it mattered. You can then observe relationships and see for yourself very obviously whose emotional frame is ruling the relationship.
WOMEN'S EMOTIONS NEED A PLACE TO EARTH THEMSELVES
Women's (and children's) frames are primarily emotional, so they change as fast as their emotional state.
Women are by nature more reactive and even their normal emotions are intense. Their emotions turn them into a live wire that can short circuit often - so they're searching for something to earth them to the ground.
By nature women carry a burden of their own emotions that needs purging from time to time. Hence the reputation for catharsis.
I think that apart from catharsis, the female mind and body really looks for something it cannot offer to itself at that moment that is beyond it's own mind. Especially if the "pain" side of her comes out -- it needs a strong presence to ground it back to normal.
Women are more about communicating emotions and purged up shit than about actual content, especially at these moments. They're more powerful because they come from a place of emotion more than thought - the liquid state is denser and feels more real than the vapor state. She wants to be snapped out of the trap of her own mind even if that is not what she says or will ever admit.
Women want attention from you because in a way, attention is connected to presence - the consciousness / aliveness that is present always no matter what the mental state may be. This is a deep form of holding frame, the highest and most natural form of stoicism, because it can never be broken at that level. Why? Because it doesn't resist the moment, but works with it. In fact, it's like space, there's nothing to break. That holds the key to dissolving and grounding her mind, especially pain.
At that point, once the inner stoic has established ground, it'll be good to knock your own state into hers and get her emotions into your frame.
Note though, that being a good listener can quickly lead to a pattern where she just gets habituated to the kick of pain because she knows you'll entertain it. In that case, you have to spot it and break the pattern or put a boundary to that - being present means being aware of reality. Women have a bad habit of enjoying the kick of feeling the release of snapping out more than staying that way. Just because it happened once, doesn't mean it won't happen again, in fact it'll happen more if it sees itself getting rewarded.
Most betas think they're doing the right thing by giving in to what she wants every time, or even empathizing with her emotions and taking on her emotional state, but you don't give in to what your inner devil wants. In fact in that state the person isn't even themselves, so its quite a mistake to think that what she says she wants is really what she needs. Once they snap out of it, they might regain some self awareness and realize what happened. And that's when they'll respect you, or not - depends on which emotional frame entered which.
A SEXUAL FRAME IS A POWERFUL FRAME, WITH TIMELY DOSES OF COMFORT
Which is where the importance of attractiveness and sex comes in. If your energy inspires very strong feelings of sexual attraction, that can totally override her need for comfort seeking with you and instead turn her on. It's where the alpha succeeds where the beta fails, simply because he can afford to skip the comfort step entirely. Sex can be powerful enough to override pain, what with all those hormones and orgasms and intensity.
Women totally don't bother about the issue of her emotions when she has a strong source of sexual emotion. You hardly ever see women indulging in the emotional shit exercises with their alpha lovers in the short term or the honeymoon phase, these issues usually show up only in the long run as familiarity increases and comfort becomes more important. Sex is that powerful. A sexual frame should be your most powerful tool in the kit.
Women have many passive aggressive ways of indicating lack of attraction or sexual frustration which aren't obvious until you realize just how powerful good sex is on them and how their moods indeed change with their menstrual cycle. She might be bitchy or upset or frustrated or keep shit testing you more than usual or start a fight just to feel for no reason, you can tell something's off. Women themselves can't say it explicitly because often they themselves don't know what exactly they need and how much they needed it until they actually get it.
I'll be more blunt -- virtually all the problems in your relationships apart from lack of sex - disrespect, contempt, shaming, passive aggression, avoidance, excuses, constant disagreement, she's never happy, depression and eventual cheating -- are all one and the same problem only - lack of attraction. Women don't have a neutral gear. The choice is between attraction, or revulsion - you choose which. Fix the root, and the rest of the tree just miraculously recovers.
Sex is quite powerful at getting her out of her head and even giving her comfort later on. So when you are in a sexual relationship, it should be your weapon of choice.
Comfort does have a place. Sometimes it might not be possible for women to turn on or get into sex if her mind is all over the place. In that case, it's better to ground those circuits and then start a new cycle of escalation - if you don't start a new cycle, then all that you've done is platonic.
In all probability, the more beta you are and the longer your relationship lasts, the more she will use you for comfort. It's your job to own the cycles of love and push-pull. Otherwise, as I wrote earlier, she'll subconsciously kick off her own cycle, and after your relationship has been betaized and attraction has gone all the way down, you might not be in the game for the next cycle...
But you might still be used (only) for comfort.
So just be aware when a woman is using you only for comfort - in a sexual relationship you don't want to only end up as her big brother or father. Alpha fucks, beta comforts.
If you want the sex to last, you must make sure to generate enough sexual energy to sexually aroused her and create the cycles of sex and intimacy (the push pull dynamic).
But while sexual arousal needs to really escalate to a point where you can't control yourself anymore for it to rule, painful emotions can override your conscious mind much more easily, and last much longer. Ask any man in a committed relationship which is easier to achieve, becoming sexy and holding frame or getting upset and going to a dark place. Pain and negative emotions come up easily. Sex is not so easy, and LTR's are hard mode. I mean if it was so easy, none of us would be here on TRP or MRP.
THE PAIN BODY AND THE PAIN BODY TEST
The thing is, sooner or later, dealing with her other emotions or pain will be inevitable. These situations are going to be found in all relationships with women in your life whether it's your mum or a plate or a wife or your kids. It will also be found with every other human being on earth, but it is most noticeable in intimate relationships.
Now what is loss of emotional frame? Basically whenever you get sucked into to her emotional field, you lose your own self awareness and emotional state and your rational thought, when you become a victim and lose touch with your inner creator -- that is what loss of frame means. Her pain has now taken over you too, and left it to its own devices, it will simply do whatever it needs to fuck up your life and sabotage your relationship in the longer run. Every time you yield to it, you lose frame and every single time you do that, it's like shooting yourself.
When pain arises, the only thing it wants at that moment is to create more pain - so reasoning or arguing or DEERing absolutely does not work, and only leads to more insults, more nasty questions and remarks and more shit. Write it down somewhere that pain only desires more pain, till it's gone. This is why winning the argument is pointless - you're trying to satisfy play her game, a game rigged to ensure you'll always lose, a game rigged to ensure that regardless of what you do, it will only be used to create more pain to you. Till it has fed enough and satiated itself. Until next time, when a new "Pain cycle" will begin, often without warning. Don't play that game.
I literally call these events as pain body tests and would recommend you add this new term to the lingo. They're not just shit tests or comfort tests or compliance tests, although they can very well be. This is fundamentally something else -- the fourth member of the dark quartet of tests. Considering all the crazies and messed up cases we see these days, I think it's actually overdue to recognize this.
Most of this pain is not due to what happened this moment, it's mostly the past pain or pain from elsewhere that hasn't worked itself out. But from time to time this shit has a chance to emerge, and generate its energy and try to own the emotional frame till it has exhausted itself.
A pain body test need not come from a woman, it can also come from your own mind. Lots of guys on the self improvement path find themselves suddenly going through a second phase of anger and resentment over the past suffering they faced, especially when they compare the new dynamic to the old ones. That's past pain, needing to be consciously dissolved in your new frame.
NOT LOSING THE EMOTIONAL FRAME WHEN TESTED BY HER MOODS
These are moments where you simply can't change according to her moods, because you're trying to be in her frame, and if that wasn't worse -- said frame is made of paper and does not really exist beyond the moment. Avoid playing the devil on its terms and stay on yours.
I'll tell you that when you lose your shit, anything that she's feeling is going to get much, much worse. There are times where you can be the cause of the upset. You just had to ruin a perfectly good moment because you're just butthurt about something and soon it infects everyone around you. Even after you've snapped out of it, don't expect others to get back to normal right away. And every time you do that, you just lost some more respect. If you knew how powerful your own inner state was, you'd realize it can do permanent damage in these moments and treat yourself with more respect. Quite literally the only thing a woman can do is to react to your shit, or break off. There are times when she can stay down while you rage on, but it'll just let her know you can't own your shit.
You have to be good at catching it right when it appears, it usually seeks the moments where you're most vulnerable. Those places are also the exact same places where there're holes in your frame, places where you can fuck up big time, so its also a mirror to you. If you've not learned to spot your own moods, there's no way you can spot it when hers comes out.
It takes a moment of self awareness in that split second between the stimulus and the response to snap out of being entirely in a reactive state. That's the difference between responsive and reactive. You can't work with emotions directly, but you sure can control the source of the reactions - which is frame. Eventually with enough momentum, your own emotions, and then usually the emotions of others -- will swing around.
Also, if you want to punish bad behaviour, never do this when the state is all pain. Wait for it to calm down or snap back to normal, and THEN take action for violation of your boundaries. Or else it just escalates. It's a terrible way to handle a pain body test.
And this is also why Mr. Fix It never works -- men are usually upset when they are unable to find a solution to a problem. They're usually looking for a solution after which they'll be ok. Women are upset because of raw emotion or physical pain. It needs to ground itself. Even if there is indeed a genuine problem that triggered the emotion, once a woman's emotions take over, that isn't the time for solutions. The emotions have to be dealt with first. Usually women will think of solutions later on once they're calm.
Mr. Fix It fails the pain body test or comfort test every single time. The guy who can't hold awareness or emotional frame will fail the pain body test.
If there is indeed a genuine problem, the source of what triggers these negative emotions needs to be found and fixed - that can only be fixed by action, and only AFTER the mind itself has calmed down enough to get out of reactive mode back into proactive action. There are indeed situations where emotions can be triggered by very real problems. But if the mind itself IS the problem, then holding frame is the only solution.
HANDLING YOUR OWN EMOTIONS WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH
This goes double for us men. In the event we're not able to find a solution, a good thing to do is to let go of the problem and come back to it after a while, something new will come up from a place deeper than the thinking mind in that time - sometimes sleeping over it is a powerful tool for the creative mind to work. Or alternatively, one could fully involve themselves deeply into their work till their mind gets into a zone or a flow state, then answers may come. Either way, the usual reactive mind just surrendered itself to something even more powerful than itself. That is how every single creative invention or solution or improvement or new idea has ever come about.
A man losing his emotions does absolutely nothing constructive - it's like an engine revving with no gear selected, or often reverse gear. Focused and intense emotions driven towards goals by willpower are a man's best friend, agitated out of control reactive emotions are not. All you're doing is making as much friction with the moment as possible, and your emotions aren't going to cause magic to happen and cause your car keys to come flying to you. Worse, all that emitted toxic energy fouls up the very air of the place - and it fouls up other people's minds around you. That will screw you in ways you can't comprehend.
The absolute worst thing you can do is to lose your own mind to a negative emotional trigger. When this happens, the kind of energy you generate becomes toxic, and it doesn't take any effort for her mind to fall in to that. If she's in full pain mode already, then then your pain bodies are going to merge and have a feast feeding each other. After sometime when they're done, the original people re-appear and wonder just WTF happened. I've seen people change emotional state so much that it really isn't the same person you're dealing with anymore.
YOUR INNER STATE IS MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU THINK
This actually happened to my parents when days of pent up emotions just burst out in a very very nasty argument - mom was just out of control and dad lost his frame as well. Dad drove out in a rage to get some space. He ended up crashing into the back of another car, which slammed on the brakes and lost control when some animals suddenly crossed the road, veering straight into my dad's lane. Cursed destiny? Nah, my folks were just asking for disaster to happen. You just can't do anything in that kind of terrible inner state and not expect the inevitable. Fortunately he was ok, he slammed on the brakes himself and it wasn't nearly as bad as what I feared. It looked like the accident ate up all the nasty energy and snapped both my parents back to normal, but you see, that was a costly repair bill and insurance hell. The damage was done, literally.
It's happened to me too, somehow the day when you're absolutely in a mad rush to get to work is the day and losing your shit being a victim of rush hour is the day when all that can go wrong will go wrong - when you finally get to work, that will be the day where if shit can happen some way or the other, it will. Ever noticed that the most tense days are also the days where everything feels jinxed or cursed? Yes, it's a reflection of what's on the inside.
Every time I've lost my frame, I've ended up screwing up, often in worse shit than I bargained for. One day I just realized the universe doesn't want me to lose my shit ever. Every day it mercilessly finds a new hole in my frame, but it also lets me know there was always a better solution.
It took a long time for me to realize that I was really bringing these really shitty cursed days on myself the whole time. The outside was just reacting to my own inner state.
Seriously, your inner state of consciousness has so much power that if you lose awareness and frame, it can really attract a disaster into your life, making you fuck yourself royally in your ass.
The reverse is also true. When you hold awareness, presence and a good emotional frame, then you will find many days where you're somehow extremely lucky and something just comes in time to help you when you most need it. When you are no longer a victim, you will see creative answers even in otherwise impossible situations. People will be attracted to you in ways you couldn't have imagined earlier. Our inner state is that powerful because it is the door to your inner creator.
If you look at the all time greats vs the merely very good, the biggest differentiating factor is their mind and mental strength more than just technique or raw talent. That's why they're so clutch in impossible situations.
GETTING YOUR BODY AND ACTIONS TO SET THE EMOTIONAL FRAME
Emotional impact can happen in more physical ways. Body language and just the presence of the body is a powerful emotional trigger.
The physical body is "solid". If emotions are liquid, thoughts are gases and inner presence and awareness / presence is "space", the body is solid. To change the body takes years and years of transformation, cell by cell. But by being solid, the body becomes the most obvious and direct influence on emotional frame at first sight without having to do anything directly.
Earlier I spoke about the importance of awareness and its power over the frame when dealing with painful emotions and the power of your inner state to impact your life for real. But awareness is very subtle, invisible and works from the inside.
The body however is most obvious and works directly from the outside - it makes the first, most visible impression. Therefore emotional frame begins with the body, before going on to the emotions, thoughts and then deep presence.
I've observed people long enough to realize that the energy and body language of most beta men just screams all these --- laziness, lifeless, victim, reactive, incompetent, no intensity childish, awkward, totally unmotivated, resigned, insecure, addicted to pleasure (and therefore unhappy within), arrogant, entitled, manipulative, dishonest, no situational awareness, emotionally moody, no real mission, no standards, unsexy, DEER, wanting mommy -- hell just the way some of them get up from bed or even walk around, that body language can be utterly demotivating to anyone who's more energetic or cheerful than they are. As a man, I just feel myself getting restless and sometimes frustrated around people like that. I can't fathom how women would react to that kind of utterly unattractive energy.
Now just substitute the strong sexy guy with iron frame there and check out his body language. I swear these guys can fix women's shitty moods on the sheer strength of body language alone. And anything else that still lingers, good sex will do the rest. As I said earlier, a lot of women's shitty moods are her way of indirectly communicating sexual frustration. Sex and attraction is powerful stuff.
Just the presence of a strong body and its posture and silent body language makes quite an impression. Others automatically respect you and give you far less shit. Attractiveness is much easier compared to an obese guy or a skinny guy with a rounded back and shoulders and stilts for legs.
Finally clothes and style further take the impact of your emotional frame to the next level - they tailor it to a context (pun intended), sending a message of intent. Very muscular and lean bodies can wear their own skin and muscles for clothes.
We suffer from not being able to see ourselves from the outside, as a result we're unable to see just how our own emotional frame in action. If we could, we could see how it fails to generate the kind of energy needed for us to get the sex and relationships we want, or how our emotional frame is all wrong to begin with because it is based on the completely wrong energy.
Too many of us just don't realize how unattractive we are and how much more we could be without some way to observe ourselves, or someone observing us and giving feedback. The result is that she fails to enter into an attractive emotional frame. Or the frame is lost in the long run and we didn't realize where we slacked off.
VERBAL COMMUNICATION IS NO MATCH FOR THE COMMUNICATION AT THE LEVEL OF FRAME
This is also why the much touted BP notion of "Communication" as the answer to all problems seldom works in practice. Your psychologist may recommend you talk to her about it. The fool doesn't realize that words are a very small part of communication. What is being ignored is the much more powerful and subtle communication between the emotional and physical energies involved, and the frames that are invisibly communicating and trying to own the moment ALL the time. When there are serious issues at that level, no amount of rational discussion or "understanding" Is going to work. The body is always more powerful than logic.
Women naturally do not communicate content verbally like men do- they're really communicating emotions and frames first. If that's not ok, the cause is always deeper than it looks and it cannot be fixed by cerebral logic alone. When women say they don't feel communication or connection, they really mean is, "We are not communicating any attractive emotions, I am not feeling attraction and I'm not able to connect with an attractive emotional frame".
What really happens in moments of deep communication is the shift of emotional frame, deep releases of pain, sexual attraction, a new awareness, the change of physical energy and intimacy at the level of presence or oneness. It is this that actually makes any "communication" look like its working at all. The actual words themselves don't matter. Without these deep shifts, the whole exercise of "communication" is merely a parody of itself -- it's actually much funnier and more realistic to make a stand up comedy act parodying it. Simply talking about it will never change the frame the way deep physical and inner transformation does.
What we are really doing here at RP is fixing this energy through our bodies and mindset to set the emotional frame we seek. We're creating the energy we know creates attraction in women, we're creating the energy that allows us to become the men we're meant to be, we're creating the energy that will take us out of being victim of fate to being the owner of our lives. This will set the frame with which we interact with the world. The world in turn will respond accordingly. This is deep communication, the other 93% beyond words.
This is also why "Talking about fight club" Or calling yourself "Alpha" Never works. It makes people laugh at you because your body and emotional frame and actions and your track record are telling the whole world all they really need to know about you without a single word spoken. Your words don't have any power over the frame when your state of being is completely the opposite of what you say it should be. Even a child can sniff you out instantly. Subtle communication at the level of your energy is far more powerful. Your words only have power when your entire being can back them up. That is what really shapes the emotional frame. The deepest and most powerful form of communication is at the level of your being and your actions. - not words, definitely not reasoning. Definitely not "communication" as mainstream society fools itself into believing.
In the absence of an emotional frame of attraction, other emotional frames will take over the dynamics and dominate the interaction. The results are obvious. We may not be aware of this, and foolishly assume all is well, but anyone else not us can see it from a mile away.
WOMEN AND THEIR FEELINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS ON YOUR SIDE
Sometimes they're just going to give you the shit. There will be moments where she's best friend and other moments where she's your worst enemy. In the case of her emotions, truth be told, a woman isn't always your friend. The only true and lasting alliance of a woman is to her feelings. If pain takes over, it won't care if that's her friend, parent, child or her partner. I'd say just internalize this one line in your frame so that you aren't shocked or butt hurt or lose frame when the painful truth of emotions and solipsism can hit you harshly with a pain body test. Even relationships really exist only because of the sexual attraction and the feeling of being in love, and all the other good emotions -- or else they wouldn't. That's why owning the emotional frame and having her in your frame is so important. If you have her emotions in your emotional frame, she will enter into your frame.
When her feelings calm and focused, they can be devoted, intuitive, and think about you, even be selfless, but agitate those emotions, and then it's all her and her mind and feelings - the more her emotions are agitated, the deeper she is in her own mind. That is true for all of us btw. That's just the solipsistic nature of reactive emotion. Sex is one case where its mutually beneficial.
Instead of believing that love is happily ever after, I recommend you consciously recognize that yes, such moments of shit tests, comfort tests and pain body tests WILL come and you should actively practice holding frame so that when those tests do come, you know what's going on and are in a much better position to handle it. Love fluctuates up and down and it also runs in cycles. You will get better with time and experience as you get out of blind reactivity start responding more consciously and actively.
Don't get insecure about it like a scared little boy. Fear will show up in your emotional frame and crack it. It won't let you engage at your best.
The good news is, once you know what you need to do (i.e. hold frame and actively respond), who cares what she says or thinks or feels? Why do we even need to break our head over it?
Women's frames are emotional. Such "frames" are made of water and change quickly by the emotions of the moment -- while our goal is to develop a frame of iron, that doesn't buckle when tested. We wouldn't consider anything so fickle as "frame". Sometimes her frame is on our side, sometimes it's in direct opposition. That is part of being feminine, so get used to it and stop getting upset that your BP soulmate fantasy doesn't exist.
Now there are some women who are too deeply damaged that its not worth wasting your time and energy playing Mr. Nice Guy. If you gain a bit of maturity, you'll see that best thing for both of you is to just not waste your time with these cases - being with too crazy can cost you dearly. By denying her a chance to fuck up some more, you're doing her a favour. Acceptance means acceptance of the truth, and sometimes that IS the truth.
BUT WHAT ABOUT MY EMOTIONAL BURDEN?
PS : And what about you tough guy? What about your feelings? Sure, you're being used as a dumpster by women and others to dump their shit on you because you're the stoic one, the one owning his life. As a man you can't dump your emotional shit on the road and expect someone else to burn the garbage. The world keeps testing you to be more "vulnerable", but they have no idea what the hell they're blabbering or even what masculine displays of emotions are.
Women won't support you emotionally nearly as you think. All that soulmate poetry vanishes the instant they have to take any responsibility for your emotions. Besides, it's handing over your frame, and your balls to mommy.
I'll be honest, sometimes it gets exhausting having to deal with these emotions and being tested all the time. It does drain your reserves out on some days. Where are you gonna find catharsis? What's your recovery plan to get some rest, burn up all that negative energy often sent in your direction and come back refreshed? What about your pain body? What are you going to do to own your own dark moods when they come?
You've got to own your shit. You never get a break from being the oak, you never get a break from ownership of your life without falling back into being a victim. And the sooner you stop resisting this truth, the sooner you can start seeing the advantages.
Number one, have guy friends, have guys who're further up the road than you are and who totally won't mind screwing your head back on your shoulders, even if that means a dozen responses beginning with [email protected]&t.
Second, hit the gym. Burn it all up against those weights - the body excels at burning down shitty moods. The burst of T will also focus emotions more and reduce agitation.
Go spend some time with nature, natural light, open spaces, woods, the sea, fresh air, whatever. Take a break from the mind and its madness for a while, just observing and being in the moment. Try to find the state of rest while you're awake.
Most importantly, remember your awareness frame, the one so critical to deal with her shit? The stoicism, the presence, the awareness, the place from where all creative ideas come from, the zone, the flow, the place from where you are never a victim, the place that accepts everything and is at peace with the past? That's equally powerful at dealing with your own shit. Women purge their shit on the outside, usually on the man nearest to them. Men purge it on the inside. That is your inner man cave and it is your true best friend. That place is the only thing that is forever here and always on your side. Woman or no woman - they may not always be there, or even on your side, but this is forever here to help you through any difficulty.
When shitty thoughts or moods arise, first take a moment to be aware of them like you're aware of your breathing - that will shift you out of being reactive. Be honest with yourself and recognize them as such. Face them. Allow them to come up and begone. Do not try to drown or run away from it by burying under some kind of pleasure or drug or alcohol, the TV or the internet -- that will leave the pain unresolved. In turn it will lead to an addiction and a cycle of forever trying to numb your pain. Your pain body will use that to control you and fuck up your life through the pleasure route instead of the more direct nasty painful route. The moment you remove the anesthesia, you'll see what's really behind the scenes of your so called search for happiness. They're both the same - overt and covert manifestations of misery.
You must deal with your pain honestly and directly, and get free of the incessant itch to feel happy or stay emotionally high all the time - emotions come and go like waves and that's OK. That's when you know freedom - that's what you really want. Then you use your emotions and mind, rather than the other way around. You can now embrace the discomfort and commit to your mission like never before.
I'd recommend a meditation routine just as you have your gym routine. Once your mind calms down and you put some space between you and your thoughts and emotions, hang on to that peaceful mindful feeling and bringing it into your work, even small things can become pretty intense over time. Catch your pain body whenever it arises and burn it up in mindfulness of this moment and realize the past is merely a memory replaying itself. This exercise might even make you physically sick for sometime, but then you'll feel a load lifted off yourself. As old patterns dissolve, you just get better and better at dealing with your own shit. Your inner state changes, your emotional frame changes, and the new you uncovers so many possibilities that your old self couldn't imagine.
Finally, prevention is always better than cure. Don't get into sick relationships, and if your relationship is FUBAR, leave. In the long run, it'll be the best thing you ever did.