I've known about RP for more than 4 years. Devoured many RP books and articles. Most RP concepts make total sense to me both in the context of evolutionary biology and today's society.
If I browse AskTRP, I can find good solutions and identify issues in people's pleas for help, often coming to the same conclusions of the most upvoted or EC's comments. I'm not claiming to be a RP expert, but I do seem to understand what should be done in most situations to hold frame and maximize attraction.
Yet, I am completely unable to internalize it. Even though I lift and have a purpose in life, my self-esteem is still shit. With new women, I do not get easily invested, but I still doubt myself at every step of seduction and find myself posting here because I don't know how to reply to a text (that I would be able to easily reply to as an external observer).
With women I am attached to (e.g. multi-year LTR), I am a complete mess. I cried in front of my LTR multiple times because she was acting cold or unaffectionate, or because I didn't feel loved or I didn't feel like my sexual needs were being met. I know exactly how I should act and how I should control my emotions, and I know exactly that my LTR's behavior is often just a shit test, but I cannot control myself. I don't know how she hasn't dumped me yet.
My rational brain gets completely overridden by my emotional brain because of my poor self-esteem and my cravings for companionship, love, and sex.
I lie to myself that I'm "redpillled", but I didn't internalize anything. There's a part of me that sees the bullshit and understands how to thrive in a RP world, but that part is suffocated by the insecure and bluepilled one.
I even took testosterone with the primary goal of suppressing my emotional part (and secondary goal of improving my gym performance), but it didn't make a difference to my personality.
I want to vent. I want someone who can help me kill the bluepilled part of me, and help me become the man I want to be. I feel like I have made zero progress in all these years and that the RP knowledge I have is wasted on me.
Would therapy help me at all? Is there a way I can identify a therapist who is not completely bluepilled that would understand where I am coming from?
I have had a difficult childhood (history of abuse, no father figure, raised by two overprotective aunts). I don't know if there's some deep issue caused by that that needs professional attention or if this is just by brain trying to avoid responsibility again.