Dads wife left him and he is devastated. I recently took his guns per his request. What can I do to help?

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May 23, 2020
99 upvotes

He is an alcoholic (but so is she) and apparently she has confessed to seeing another man in a different state.

My dad and step mom have a child together. She has moved out into a home in the same neighborhood.

The guy is losing his mind over this, understandably, and is very depressed. I have tried to give him some TRP principles to follow but he can’t or won’t follow them.

I am heavily pushing for him to get into therapy and stop drinking alcohol but he won’t do either.

What else can I do? Hate seeing him like this.


Post Information
Title Dads wife left him and he is devastated. I recently took his guns per his request. What can I do to help?
Author Boingerz
Upvotes 99
Comments 48
Date 23 May 2020 04:12 PM UTC (11 months ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/668802
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/gp7khh/dads_wife_left_him_and_he_is_devastated_i/
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Comments

[–]Sergelano189 points190 points  (2 children) | Copy

Now it's not the time to talk about TRP and AWALT and shit. 17 years is along time, and it will hurt.. bad.

Try to spend more time with your dad, show him you really care about him. Having someone to talk to and spend time with will help him alot.

And the rest is time man, time will heal. It may take a month, a year or more but time heals.

[–]curiousgeorge144-2 points-1 points  (1 child) | Copy

True. Also what is AWALT?

[–]bigdudecfc17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy

All women are like that....sidebar sir

[–]Elprez9163 points64 points  (0 children) | Copy

Don't go under bro, you need to be your old man's rock. It must be hard for him n you. Get out the house with him go the park or hiking try get your dad's mind in a better place. The world can be cruel sometimes but stay positive and try give him that energy to.

[–]NIbenioncd35 points36 points  (0 children) | Copy

Probably best thing to do would be spending time with him. Have a nice dinner, make him appreciate your company, it will quickly make him forget about her.

[–]ezragriffin80 points81 points  (12 children) | Copy

A puppy.

Get him a puppy immediately. Someone who will love him unconditionally. Puppy are known to improve a person's mood. And he needs it to go through this tough time.

Men have an innate desire to protect and serve. Giving him a puppy will let him be be protective of something and will give him a purpose.

You would want a female puppy so that she can fill his cheating wife's place.

Get him two puppies if you can.

Edit (Try to adopt from a shelter and don't buy from a pet store. Many pet stores get their puppies from inhumane puppy farms.)

Yoga.

Take your dad to a yoga class and put him around the yoga girls.

In best case scenario, I would say to take him to a strip club, but I don't know if he would like to go.

Don't leave him alone. Ask his friends to come over for beers and to give him company.

Feed him TRP little by little and say that this is female nature and you can answer the question that is at the back of his mind :

"How could she do this?"

[–]_nein_danke17 points18 points  (6 children) | Copy

Do not get two puppies, that could be really costly and a lot of hard work.

[–]ezragriffin3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy

In US, maybe.

In other parts of the world, like Greece, Argentina, India, Spain, the shelters are filled with dogs that need a home.

And taking care of them is cheap too because most of the puppies are mutts. So they are healthy and don't suffer from issues like that of the designer breeds.

Based on where you are living, you can get five dogs and keep them happy and healthy.

[–]LukeVTruth9 points10 points  (3 children) | Copy

You can get puppies practically for free in the US too from shelters but I don't think he's talking about the cost of adopting the dog. Its the costs of feeding it, vet visits, etc... that make owning a dog costly.

[–]PandaLitter0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

There are surely frugal ways of feeding your dog

[–]LukeVTruth4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

I mean ya there's cheap dog food or you could literally feed it table scraps but that may not be optimal for the dog's health. There was actually a decent post in the personal finance sub where a guy tracked expenses related to his German shepherd for a year and it came out to be over $2k/yr. So ya if his dad is well established and makes decent money its probably not a big deal but that's definitely costly for some.

[–]PandaLitter0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Wtf? Link to post?

[–]_nein_danke-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’m assuming this is in the US. When people say puppies I generally assume they don’t mean rescue.

[–]VipKyle1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I get encouraging someone to get a dog but don't suprise someone with that kind of comitment lol. If someone tried that with me I'd be so annoyed.

[–]Batman-von-Pepe1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Get him a puppy immediately. Someone who will love him unconditionally. Puppy are known to improve a person's mood. And he needs it to go through this tough time.

This x1000 assuming he is someone who enjoys dogs. My most recent dogs got me through some extremely difficult years. They have been gone for nearly 6 years now and I don't think I go a week without thinking about them and what a joy they were.

[–]imjustaman930 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah, deffo get him a dog.

[–]hellionmma4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Dog could help. But it is a risk op needs to thing about. If his dads in such a state of mind, the puppy may just add another stressor to his life and the puppy will end up being returned. Something to think about before getting one

[–]alexw7070 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I want a puppy.

[–]flying-backflip8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

Get him into AA

[–]eg427291 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Get him into AA

Good call

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy

Secure the firearms. If he asks for them back, tell him that you secured them in a locker somewhere (at a range or whatever) and it will take some time to get them back.

Also, tell him that it sucks, but he has to take one day at a time.

Spend time with him, particularly in the evening when he would otherwise be alone, and talk about other subjects. Ex. after my mom died and before I moved back home again, I would ring my father at 7pm, after I knew he had finished supper and before he went to bed and I would spend 30 minutes with him on the phone talking about my life, our favorite sports teams, the news, random stuff to keep his mind off of being alone (he would often have visitors in the day, so I would choose evening because he was most alone then)

Get your dad out walking, take him to the gym with you and such.

How old is he and how old is the kid they have together?

[–]drv120214 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

It sucks. 17 years seemed to last forever but in the end the universal law still applied: nothing lasts forever. Take him hiking. Go somewhere far away and make sure he doesn't take anything with him to suicide. Do a long journey to get his mind off her.

[–]ay-fuh-q5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

...and apparently she has confessed to seeing another man in a different state.

Next time any of you fuckers tell me, "Nah, she couldn't be cheating, because he lives too far away from here," just know that she'll crawl over broken glass and drive hours to suck off the man she wants.

Now that I told all the dummies that miles won't prevent a woman from cheating, just be there for your dad. Seriously. He's hurting and just needs an ear (or maybe even NOT an ear.... just someone to be there).

[–]1InformalCriticism3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Without knowing if he needs professional help to get through this, there's very little you can do. But, you can also make a pretty big difference.

If he's smart enough to know that guns in the house are a bad idea, there's a good chance that time is all he needs. However, if you spend more time with him doing activities that improve his physical health, that will invariably help his mind. Anything at all to do with cardio (more oxygen to the brain = thinking clearly = feeling better and having more energy each day).

Obviously, don't be disheartened if he makes excuses or flat our rejects your invitations. Depending on how down the hole he is, he might only have a window of once a week or once a month to mentally and emotionally do something good for himself. But, those one or two days you do catch him per month and give him momentum in the right direction. He may start going back to doing things good for himself. Will he have slide-backs and bad days, or benders? Probably.

Your role would be to stay consistent and reliable. In his moments of despair, people like that believe they will either not be missed or that others are better off without them, whether it's true or not.

I should point out to you that the effort you would put forth is to be somewhat minimal and all the mental and emotional work is for him to do. You would just be making it easier for him to do that lifting on his own. You're a spotter at the gym; you're not lifting the weight for him. Invite him to the gym, but it's up to him if he wants to go and throw the weights around, so to speak.

It is my non-professional/non-medical opinion that substance abuse can be largely due to circumstance, not some genetic predisposition for self-destruction, though those do exist. If his life gets measurably better, he will not likely abuse substances "as much".

The science behind this was a rodent cocaine study where the rodents were isolated and preferred cocaine on a regular basis. This preference went away when they were, effectively, given the ideal rodent paradise of community, regular interactions with their community, and all their amenities.

Similarly, heroin addicts from Vietnam were heavily abusing substances while deployed, but when returning home, the vast majority kicked their habits, because their circumstances were so much better.

Doing your part to treat him like a human is probably the best thing you can do for him, just try to be consistent and non-judgmental through the process.

[–]ShittySoftwar30 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Get him a pup. Something that will live long, and a healthy breed.

[–]SpiritualCopy90 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I understand this exactly. My father is an alcoholic as well, and his life as been upside down ever since my mother left him. He was an alcoholic at the time and the loss only made it worse. I was only a boy and I couldn't help him at the time, but as I got older I've realized there are some things you can do for these people.

You must now understand that you are the most important person to prevent him from destroying himself with his alcohol addiction. Personally see to it that every day he consumes less and less. Ween him off the alcohol. Dilute the bottle if you have to. Go on trips together. Give him books to read (rational male, no more mr. nice guy, etc.).

I'd also try to get him back to the gym. You can start by making him go on long hikes, bike rides, etc. There's so much more to life than moping around with a bottle in your hand because some old hag (who you should have zero respect for) cheated on you. She is literally nothing. Get him to see that.

[–]bakachelera0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Can you move with him a couple weeks? Go do boomer activities like fishing or work in a car or work wood.

[–]XanJamZ0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Go take some boxing classes, go to a driving range, batting cage anything that you guys can do together where you can unleash.

[–]bradotu0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Very solid advice in here OP.

[–]Dodobird170 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Breakups suck more than anything else besides a loved one dying. I am going through a breakup from a relationship that didn't last even close to one like your dad's and it's still incredibly painful. I can't imagine what your dad is going through. Honestly the only thing that heals a broken heart is time. But for now, just be there for him and make sure he knows you care. Don't worry about the red pill stuff now, it's a tough pill to swallow and right now he just needs to get his mind off of this women who crush his heart. Also the guy who mentioned getting him the puppy, I think that is a good idea. But obviously only if he likes dogs, and probably not a good idea if he already has another dog.

[–]IveSawitall0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Leave him.. why give him TRP principle when he's in such a state and expect he will swallow? Dad needs some time to heal.

[–]JameisBong-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Give that man a copy of Rollo Tomassi's book.



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