Stats: 24, 5'10", 175lb, 15% bf (doc), B: 200, OHP: 120, D: 350

Reading: Been on-and-off sidebar content. Familiar with TRP; I've had to walk away since I noticed I was blackpill'ed

Finances: Graduate degree. 10K+ in savings. Job pays very little but I have a 20% stake.

Spiritual: I am nothing without my faith, but my faith needs work.

This post is not coming from someone who is fully on-board with the red pill, my relationship with that is outside the realm of this post, but I am here asking for help on an issue. I'm unsure if that means I can post or not.

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I've struggled with poor self-image for many years. About the only thing that's kept me from having a lot of the consequences associated with long-term poor self-image (namely self-harm and hedonism) has been my faith.

That doesn't stop me from regularly cussing myself out from stupid things I've done. Granted these "stupid things" are nothing destructive of my future, I've been largely spared from that, but it's sparked in myself bitterness and anger and is becoming more and more difficult to control. I tell myself that "no wonder people have thought they could hurt you and get away with it, you suck"; "no wonder you're single, there's something permanently wrong with you". Though I am single, I definitely am not pushed around or pressured anymore. MRP did a very good job in showing me how to have boundaries, be firm, and how to handle conflict well (that part of my life was like night-and-day).

These thoughts have become such a permanent fixture in my head that the sole reason I masturbate (which is 3-5 times a day; yeah, it's gross I know) is it buys me 15-20 minutes at a time away from self-loathing. These thought patterns have existed when I was NoFap for a couple months and when I started again.

Full disclosure, I was bullied a lot as a kid, so that may play a role. But that's pretty far behind me, and in the meantime I've outpaced many of my own expectations of how my life would be. I look good, lift, have a very active social life, and conflict doesn't scare me like it used to.

Though I have had great success with women in the past, I'm fairly bitter and blackpill'ed right now (that could probably get it's own post). I've been trying to kick myself of wanting a relationship for years now, and have cracked down hard on that in the last nine months; I've not had a healthy relationship and I'm trying my best to rid myself of ever wanting one. This has not worked out well. There's a palpable disconnect in how I want my life to be and how I'm acting in this arena.

Ordinarily I would dismiss my self-loathing as victim puke, however it's impacted my health. When I started having panic-attacks I told myself I was being "a b*tch" and needed to man up and push through it. By the time I did seek help I didn't tell my therapist why for months; by then I was losing a lot of weight and having panic attacks twice a week. I've been free of the symptoms for a little over two months now, but part of the reason is because I've removed myself from the triggers, which is not sustainable.

At this point, I trust myself enough to push myself to be better, but not enough to care for myself.

So far, I have two things I can think of that will improve my self image:

  1. "Surrender" myself to God (I hate this phrase but I lack a better one)
  2. Live life the way you want, as long as God is still #1 and you are honoring Him

To be fair during a darker period these principles have helped. At present though I'm having a lot of self-hatred towards myself, and I can't escape it. I have two emotions: anger and disappointment. This confuses me because when I take account of my life, I am very fortunate and I've made tremendous progress in regards to personal growth in the last few years. I literally do not recognize myself sometimes (in a good way), yet I tell myself it isn't enough and I'm pathetic.

Already I've talked a bit too much, but here's my question: what does a healthy self-image look like, and how can one strive towards it?