It isn't unusal to see a lot of posts and comments where users present the idea that men only care about how women look, or that any other qualities a woman may have take a distant second place to their looks. Often, this is well recieved. After all, I'm sure it must feel liberating to know that the only thing one really needs is to work on their looks (some more exercise here, a new skincare routine there, a shopping spree at Sephora, and my dream man will be asking me out in no time!)

Unfortunately for all you ladies who believe this, I'm here to burst your happy bubble.

Part One: SMV and you

I'm sure most people reading this already know what SMV is, but for those who may not, SMV is, essentially, a person's sex appeal. It's how attractive they are, and it's generally what initially draws a man to a woman.

Your SMV is based almost entirely on how you look, with the rest of it being made up of how you act. (A stunningly beautiful woman who acts coldly and cruelly is less likely to find partners than an average-looking woman who is warm and open.) Your SMV is what will get you going on dates with men, and for that reason alone, you cannot avoid that fact that your looks are important. No matter how funny, how intelligent, or how successful you are, these things will not make a man want to fuck you -- and making a man want to fuck you is the first step in making a man want to marry you. But notice I said it's the first step, not the only one.

If you subscribe to the belief that men only care about looks and nothing else, then you must also learn to accept the fact that everything else about you is inherently meaningless to any prospective partner. And this is only the case in short-term relationships. Specifically, the kinds of relationships that lead to a lot of sex, and very little of anything else. If that happens to be all you're looking for, go ahead and keep believing that men only care about looks. But in that case, this probably isn't the right place for you.

Part Two: RMV and getting past the first date

Before we go any further, we need to address a key point that a lot of people seem to miss: men are not just giant walking penises. Boiling their relationship desires down to something as basic and simplistic as "I only care if she's pretty", is essentially removing any kind of capacity for intelligent choice on the part of a man for his prospective partner.

This is not to say that men don't care about looks -- as I mentioned above, initial attraction is based heavily on physical appearance. But initial attraction is almost entirely sexual attraction -- and a relationship based almost entirely on sexual attraction is a relationship that is almost entirely sexual. To assume that a man's attraction stops there is to assume that all he wants is the best looking living sex-toy he can find, to be replaced as soon as a newer and better model comes along. Are there some men who only want this? Yes, of course there are. But these are not the kinds of men you should be looking to date, because they aren't looking to date you -- they're looking to fuck you.

So if men aren't only trying to have sex, and if they are capable of making intelligent choices about their prospective partners, then does this mean that looks aren't the only things that matter?

Yes, it does.

When a man is dating seriously (that is, dating to marry, dating to have children, dating to have a strong, lifelong commitment to someone) he is aware of the fact that looks fade; yours, as well as his. He is also aware of the fact that a beautiful face and a perfect body are not equivalent to good communication, to kindness, to emotional or intellectual intelligence, to patience, to any number of qualities he is looking for in a partner. An exceptional waist to hip ratio doesn't make someone a good mother, and a symmetrical face doesn't make someone a good wife.

Your RMV (for the uninitiated, relationship market value -- what you're able to bring to a relationship to make you an attractive partner) is dependent on who you are as a person. Of course this means that your feminine traits are important (kindness, warmth, etc), but it also means that your general personality and accomplishments play a big role as well. Does your partner want someone who can successfully homeschool children? This means you need to be quite intelligent. Does your partner want someone who can help contribute to a high quality of life for the two of you? This means your job success is important.

To assume that a man isn't looking at all aspects of who you are as a person when determining if he wants to be with you long-term is not only committing a grievous error in judgement, it's also displaying a shocking level of ignorance about a man's ability to make intelligent decisions about his life and his future.

In short

Your looks are important, but your looks will fade, and every man knows this. A man doesn't pick his life partner based on looks alone, so getting caught up in the idea that you don't need to be smart, or well-rounded, or just generally capable of the things that will make you a good partner, in good times and bad, is short-sighted and ill-advised.

So no, men don't just care about your looks.