Foreword: So I have posted about a recent situation between my boyfriend and I on a relationship thread. EVERY SINGLE RESPONSE has been "run! This is abuse!" However, I have been reading about red pill and RSD, etc. for a while now and realize that some of the ideas are controversial and even considered abusive dynamics by "blue pill" people. I would like a little feedback from this community... I am working towards making myself more of a HVW & my roommate/boyfriend is definitely a red-pill dude who is very studied in female psychology. (to the degree that he can refuse to let me have my own desires/preferences and tell me that I don't know what I want because I am a woman & he understands me better than I understand myself)

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My bf [37m] and I have been living together since August. We lived together with a roommate, she moved out and now it is just me [34f] my toddler and him. I take care of the household duties, work part-time and he handles a majority of the finances. Since moving in there have been some conflicts/disagreements that I feel baffled about and others that have made me take a look at my behavior and recognize a shift needing to be made.

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Example #1:

When my female roommate (also a single mother) and I were living together, we offered our extra room to an acquaintance for a few weeks. He is a DJ and was coming to do some gigs. That shifted to him deciding to move to our city permanently. So, we offered the room for a month during his transition to cover some rent. (we usually airbnb the extra room anyway)

In the meantime, my boyfriend moved in, our roommate moved out to be with family.

We BOTH agreed to have the guy move in the spare room. The dude is some goofy-looking beta [24-ishM]. He couldn't find a tourist attraction in town, so I offered to show him how to get there, invited my boyfriend to join after work and said if he didn't want to that we would just take the roommate during the day. That same day my boyfriend accused us of having "sexual energy" between us and said that if I went anywhere with this kid it would be a date (he blew up about it in front of several friends). I had ZERO interest in this kid. He's just that, a KID to me.

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The first day he was in the house my BF was not wearing a shirt... so, he ALSO started walking around wearing no shirt. I was caught off guard by how in shape he was, since he otherwise looks pretty scrawny with clothes on. During the convo that ensued (between all 3 of us), he kept saying he couldn't compete with this "stud." None of my female friends got it either, cause this kid is really goofy & not really attractive. Needless to say, a few weeks went by, the energy around the house was tense. One day I got out of the shower, put on shorts and a T-shirt and then went for a walk with my daughter. I came back from the walk and told my BF that I realized my how short my shorts were, so I came back to change them. We laughed about it a bit. Then the next day he sent me a HUGE TEXT letting me have it for wearing shorts in front of our roommate, he accused me of trying to create some sort of "poly" situation with the roommate. He said I was "shoving my vagina in his face." I apologized for making him uncomfortable and adjusted my dress accordingly. The whole scenario turned into a "he goes or I go," so I quickly found alternative housing for the roommate.

Later, a mutual friend informed me that the roommate had feelings for me and was expecting us to get together even after I had been clear about my boyfriend and I being monogamous. I feel it was unfair of me to get all the blame for his intentions, still to this day my boyfriend said I didn't handle it well and should have just told him to "leave me alone" every time he spoke to me. I pulled the dude aside multiple times, told him to find a new place ASAP and that I wasn't trying to be rude, but we probably wouldn't interact with him much during his stay. I told him his behavior was inappropriate & awkward, he continued to behave in the same manner.

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Example #2:

We had a night out dancing. There was this woman who came up and hugged him at the beginning of the night, seemingly excited to see him. She then proceeded to dance very sexually and provocatively 2 feet in front of him and he would move away. Then she continued to do this and basically follow him around "presenting herself" to him again and again. I was upset by HER BEHAVIOR, not his... I felt he handled it well. I asked about who she was on our drive home. (this is a dance space where everyone signs a waiver stating it is a "safe space" where you need to approach each other and receive consent before dancing with them.)

He said I don't pay attention because women do that to him all the time, that there are women basically raping him & I am oblivious. He then says my heart is opened less to him than the woman who approached him. I assured him that I do pay attention sometimes, but at other times I am dancing and doing my own thing. He's a big boy & can take care of himself. I expressed that this situation was different because she was being so aggressive and it upset me. He tells me that I am questioning his perception and reality, infringing on his free will and trying to "pull the reigns in the conversation." That I should keep my emotions to myself and evaluate whether they are of benefit to share with the others or if I should "talk to my girlfriends instead."

It turned into this huge blow up and he told me that he was only staying with me because of my health issues and I was the one who was abusive because I couldn't just drop it. He said I was no better than his ex who used to hit him because I was exhausting him emotionally wanting to discuss this "BS."

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NOW:

Fast forward to now... I said to him that some conflict/disagreement are to be expected in any committed, long-term relationship. His response was that my thinking that is a "red flag." That arguments and conflict are totally unnecessary and avoidable if I would just stop "puffing my chest up like a rooster" and be submissive. He says I am breaking the major agreed-upon rule of biblical, "wifely" submission because he is the man and the head of the household. (I said that I am being asked to take on the role of a wife without BEING MADE a wife) I agreed with the dynamic of being submissive when entering the relationship, though I feel like his role has become more of a "dictatorship." I also informed him that I have never had a relationship with that dynamic before and asked him to understand it is a learning process for me. His response was that I should be able to change any behavior/thought pattern/programming immediately and that by saying I "need time" to adjust or work on things is just an excuse I am using to limit myself.

I do have some communication issues, which I have admitted (to him)... If he seems to misunderstand my intent or I communicate in a way that is unclear I seek for validation. I insist that he acknowledge my feelings regarding a situation. I will sometimes continue a conversation/argument even when he has walked away and asked me to stop. I know it is a problem and I am working on trying to STFU sometimes.

He has admitted to "raging out" kind of unnecessarily and has said things to me in conversation like, "You're acting like a bitch" in front of my child. I have asked him to restrict the cursing around my young daughter and he says it is "good for her to see an example of a woman being reprimanded if she is out of line, she needs to grow up seeing that a woman cannot get away with trying to take any control (and it's ok because it's true and he's not calling me a "bitch" per se). That My actions are what causes the reaction, so I need to tailor my behavior to avoid reprimand.

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TLDR: At this point, he says that I have used up my "3 strikes." He is only staying with me due to some health issues I have been experiencing. That I have not shown him I can be submissive and even if I agree to work on my part he is no longer interested in a sexual relationship with me until I "prove" to him that I am making progress by meeting some untold milestones. (he says he cannot share them with me, because I could pretend to be doing them instead of actually getting there on my own) He has indefinitely suspended our sexual relationship until further notice, however, has said he is happy to continue living with us, help some financially and he is affectionate towards me physically on and off. He also offered to leave if I wanted him to.

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He initially agreed to try to always make our relationship as close to 50/50 as possible. I just kept breaking these "rules" of submission and had no idea I was doing anything offensive! I asked him if he has contributed at all to any conflict/issues that have come up in the relationship & he says it's 100% my fault. He has only acted in a way that is of benefit to everyone involved & that includes "lovingly" yelling at me when necessary to "discipline me like a child." Is this at all normal or acceptable?

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EDIT: Since making this post I have sat down with him and had a conversation regarding many of the points brought up in this post that have confirmed what I was feeling. I called him out on

a. being too hung up on what "women want" in general, because that has made him disregard what my preferences are and assume instead he knows "better"

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b. I told him he was totally out of line for inferring that I am an "abusive mother" for being too nice. No parent is perfect and especially in the first few years children are changing week by week, month by month. Just as soon as something feels resolved, the behavior shifts and you have to fumble around sometimes to find out what works. I also told him that calling me incompetent is totally out of line & that most of the dangerous things she has managed to get her hands on were things HE left lying around carelessly. (he said I was showing him how incompetent I was because one day my daughter leashed our dog, trying to open the front door & take her for a "walk." I thought it was cute since she cannot even open a door yet. He came home demanding we remove all the furniture from the house until we "figure out a solution.")

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c. I also told him that my toddler's behavior is due to her being a toddler & has nothing to do with her gender. He makes these comments like, "yeah, that's how it is dealing with women... the nicer you are to them the more likely they are to attack you." I agreed that there are gender differences that need to be observed in handling/raising children but that comment... I was like WTF does that have to do with my kid throwing a tantrum because she's not getting her way?!

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d. I told him that "punishing" me by removing sex and then giving me some moveable goal is cruel and it's almost as if he is setting me up to scramble around figuring out ways to please him and meet those goals. I said he has no right to judge my "spiritual progress," only God gets to do that, if anyone.

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e. I told him that maybe it is "bad" energetically for a man to direct his sexual energy towards a woman or constantly pursue her. Of course, women complain about men wanting to have sex all the time. I get it.

However, that is not what I have asked for. I feel it is unfair to put the burden of sexual initiation on a woman entirely and have no indication from the man that she is desired.

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f. I told him he seems to be wounded by his past (abusive) relationship and holding that against me.

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At one point he teared up a bit. He didn't say much aside from how he's talking about his understanding of the "majority of women" and not necessarily me. What is the point of saying it if we are talking out OUR relationship? I did have to ask him to calm down when he started to get heated. He says he is a fire sign, so he is naturally fire-y. I said, "I am a fire sign too, and when I feel that fire rising up inside of me I am careful not to spit it at anyone." Since the conversation, he has backed down, corrected his language a few times and has generally been nicer. At the very least, I hope this will make things go more smoothly while we are figuring out this transition. AND I have seen that I can confront him about things like this without him assuming I am trying to "grab the reigns" and take control.

We lef and have been bouncing around staying with friends until we can figure out a better, safer and more stable living situation. I wanted to thank everyone for your feedback and Clarity that you gave me in this situation in which I was obviously blinded and disempowered. Thank you