I occasionally see bi and lesbian women come to this sub and ask about FDS as applied to f/f relationships but, seeing as this sub largely addresses and deals with heterosexual relationships and is largely populated with heterosexual women, those questions don't often get a lot of feedback and advice. I hope for this post to be a resource for bi and lesbian women to help them navigate lesbian communities and f/f relationships with applicable FDS principles in mind. I invite all bi and lesbian women with experience in f/f relationships to chime in and offer their perspectives and advice in the comments.

Some disclaimers before I begin:

  • I will not be addressing relationship strategies between women and transgender-identified men (TiMs) who exclusively pursue relationships with women, more commonly known as "lesbian" trans women. In my view, those relationships tend to follow LVM heteronormative standards but with added gender bullshit and cluster-B personality disorder shenanigans heaped on top. These so-called lesbian TiMs tend to be very coercive and manipulative in their pursuit of bi and lesbian women and I encourage women to avoid TiMs at all costs or to otherwise proceed with extreme caution and prejudice. Call me a TERF if you like, I give zero fucks.
  • I myself am a female-exclusive bisexual woman, or febfem for short, which means that, although I have found men attractive in the past and have dated them, I no longer choose to pursue relationships with them and prefer to focus only on dating women. This will be relevant later on when I address some of the unique situations that bi women, especially those with little to no experience dating other women, face in f/f relationships, especially with lesbians.
  • Lesbian/wlw (women loving woman) communities have largely gone underground since the rise of "queer" politics and transgender activism. Many lesbian bars have shuttered and disappeared in the last 10-15 years or have changed into queer bars that cater to everyone. Therefore, it can be very difficult to find a lesbian/wlw dating pool outside of dating apps. Because of the aggressive nature of transgender activism and hostility towards lesbianism in the greater LGBTQ community, many lesbian social circles have become very protective of their female-only spaces and may not invite new women into the fold until they've been vetted. If you find yourself in this position, please be patient.

What works

  • Vetting for low-value and fuckboy behaviors. Yes, women can be fuckboys. In my experience, female fuckboys tend to be butch/butch adjacent women who idolize toxic masculinity and live with massive amounts of internalized misogyny. They tend to hang out with other women who share their frat boy/boys' club values, so pay attention to who they're friends with and how they talk about women they're interested in; if they talk about them like they're pieces of meat, dump, block, and keep it moving! Also, beware of schmoozing charmers that get sexual fast, especially if they push your boundaries. Be on guard for any signs of abuse, as manipulation and domestic violence are very well alive in wlw circles and, all too often, abuse goes unreported and abusers walk free without serious repercussions. Please note that that I in no whatsoever mean to imply that ALL or even most butch/butch adjacent women are fuckboys. There are many lovely butch women out there who make fantastic partners, just as there are femme/femme adjacent women who are devious and terrible in fuckboy ways.
  • Selecting for high value behaviors and traits and refusing to bank on potential. Pretty straightforward. Most women are probably going to have their shit together, but some won't. Women overall seem to be more oriented toward self-growth and responsibility than men but there are still plenty of moochers and unmotivated, lazy women out there who will never fulfill their highest potential. Look for a self-made Queen, just like yourself!
  • Waiting for sexual activity until commitment/or until they prove their character. This might be controversial, as we've all heard the stereotype of U-Haul lesbians who profess their undying love for each other and move in together within a week of meeting. And while it's true that sex between two women carries fewer risks than m/f sex (no pregnancy scares!) I've seen more than my fair share of U-Haul relationships crash and burn within weeks to months in a huge explosion of drama. My advice is to go slow and get a good grasp on their character before you trust them with your body.
  • Proposal/Engagement within 12-24 months. My point here is that you should both know if the relationship is marriage-worthy within this time frame and, if either you or they are unsure or having doubts, break it off. Who proposes is more up in the air and will depend on any given individual relationship, but if you've been together for that amount of time and marriage is important to you, 12-24 months is a good amount of time to know if they're worth taking the next step with. Don't get complacent! Complacency can be a huge issue in f/f relationships so if you're not thrilled to be in love with them, if you can't easily and eagerly imagine marrying them (or spending the rest of your lives together), then you must be ruthless and break it off.

What doesn't work

  • Always waiting for the other woman to make the first move. This can be a huge issue in the wlw community, especially for bi and lesbian women who are femme/femme adjacent and are interested exclusively in the same. Women in general aren't socialized to make the first move, so if you rely on others to come on to you, you may never find yourself in a relationship. This can be especially scary because whether any given woman is into other women romantically and sexually isn't often apparent (unless you're on a f/f dating app). Oh, and just because another woman doesn't make the first move, doesn't mean she's not interested like it does with men! Try some lighthearted flirting or just strike up a regular conversation and see where it goes. I've found that flirting with women is a lot more fun than flirting with men and I usually end up having a great time doing so even when it doesn't lead to anything more. Personally speaking, taking the initiative and flirting with a woman and pulling it off can be thrilling! If nothing else, abide by the golden rule and treat women with respect and courtesy. In other words, don't act like a sleazeball dude about it!
  • One-way material generosity and having the other woman pay exclusively for dates. While this theoretically could happen, I've found that most f/f dating partners tend to split or trade off on the bill, unless one partner is fabulously wealthy and the other is significantly less capable financially. Then again, dating women typically doesn't carry the same risks that dating men does, so it seems like a fair trade-off to me. Generosity in general, however, is a huge plus. Just make sure they're making sound financial decisions while doing so, because spending above one's means is a low-value trait.

What might or might not work

  • Dating multiple women at a time/spinning plates/keeping a rotation. This one exists in more of a grey area, because f/f dating pools tend to be small, insular, and well-connected. It's not unusual, for example, to find a lesbian community where everyone has dated each other. It's possible that you might risk future dating prospects with an ongoing dating rotation, so practice caution if you choose to do this. A lot of f/f dating has moved online to apps, but if you assume you're dating women who have no social connections to each other you might find yourself very, very wrong. Since women tend to be more socially inclined than men, reputation in any given lesbian/wlw community can be very important (which can be great when you hear who the fuckboy types are in advance). If you want to date multiple women until you find someone for exclusive commitment, consider being upfront and honest about it.

A special note for bi women new to dating other women (especially lesbians)

  • As a bi woman who clumsily hurt a lesbian partner early in my f/f dating life because of my own ignorance and inexperience, and who has seen other bi women make the same mistakes over and over again, please know that dating women is very different to dating men, and that the habits and expectations that you learned from heteronormative relationships likely won't carry over or translate well to f/f relationships. Remain open and curious and willing to learn from any mistakes you make. Be prepared to experience homophobia and try not to blame your partner for it. It will probably shock you the first time it happens and it will feel really, really shitty.

I think that's about it. I'll add more at later dates if need be. The great thing about f/f relationships is that you don't have to deal with patriarchal bullshit behavior like you do with men (unless you end up with a female fuckboy) and things are just naturally more egalitarian and awesome (other women tend to split household and domestic duties fairly and don't feel entitled to your domestic labor like shitty dudes do, for example). Sex is usually more versatile and sensual. Overall, in my experience, there are far more positives and less negatives in f/f relationships compared to m/f relationships, and it's why I don't plan on bothering with men ever again!