I am asking two questions:

How would you rate my life compared to others?

I live in a good western country so comparing to a third world country is not valid.

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How can you "vent" to a women without showing blue pilled beta signs?

By this I mean: We have all had very bad experienced in life, men and women. Women can "cry" and show emotions to her man and to her friends. Today society tell men to vent just like women, according to TRP this is very beta. And sitting in your womens lap and crying is not really what I mean. But you as a man feel as you need to vent about experiences in life. But how do you do that? I will come back to this later.

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My life:

Born late 90'

Raised by single mom whole life, dad left before I was born. She never got a new man.

Career mom, but she truly loved me and still does. I had a "safe" uprining. She pretty rarly said no to what I wanted to do.

But she never taught me anything close to TRP. I was therefore a textbook example of blue pilled beta. Every single advice she told me about girl failed really hard.

At around age 10 I tired to kill myself, a few month later I tried again.

From around 10-11 I was bullied in school by almost every guy in my class.

Had problems with depression, suicied and outbreak since age of 10.

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At age 11 I was diagnosed with a disease that heavly effected my hormone levels, puberty stoped. Been eating daily medication since that. It did work properaly work so at age 15 I got testosterone injection. (Wich really kicked as fuck. )

This made me 165 cm or 5'4 tall.

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My first cousin gets togehter with a messed up person,

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When I was 15 my aunt outburst as an alcoholic, family got really fucked up. Grandpha (The head of the family) got really sick during this time and died after 12 weeks at intensive care unit. I visited him a lot, but is was hard. Me and granpha was best friends, we used to do typical father and son stuff (Truly the greatest generation). My aunt survivied but became a complete wreck.

A friend at school dies, who also is a friend to my mom.

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Ended elementary school at 16 with best grades for a male in my year.

Got into a great high school. Builling stoped now,

Got a big injurey in my calfs during running, the result was 2 cm shorted calfmuscles. Feels like extreme soreness. Had daily pains for 4 years. Had a ton of treatment for it.

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One of my best friends dies. Also friend to famliy

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During high school I had and extreme polarity of emotions. I could be super happy for 10 weeks, a complete trainwreck for a few weeks. Had a lot of issues with suicied.

My moms best friend have her 3 sisters all dies of illness, friends to the family .

Another good friend to the familys brother dies of illness.

My first cousin get two children with the guy and he has no job, it is mess

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I gamed and tried to get a date with every singel chick who was and hb7 or higher in school. Did not get any, mostly because I was blue pilled. Rejection game was intense. Made me feel hopless. One chick used me as an emotional tampon, we became "best friends" We where like a couple except no fucking, cuz she had a boyfriend. Rollo wrote an article on a borderline (BPD) relation, it was exactly like it.

I tried to kill myslef a few times during this period. Somewhere from oktober to mars second year at high school, I woke up everyday and wanted to die. My mom completely lost it, she was crying and screamed to me, "I dont know what to do anymore, you are so sad. "

She just ran from our home that morning. The day before my 18th birhday I cut my wrist with a knife, wrapped it up and went to school. The chick saw once again what I did and got completely fucked up. During this period of 4-5 months, she sended me around 100 000 text messages.

Around the same time I started to feel like someone stabed me with a knife during death lift, it was a hernia (inguinal). But did not know then.

In mars a teacher told med she had not seen life in my eyes for months, she sent me home to get better, school put me in therapy. Went for two session, that shit was comeplete BS! I got better, stoped trying to kill myself, but still had big issues with voices telling me to kill myself and depression time to time. The day before 18th birthday was last time I tried killing myself. So I have a record for a few years now without doing that shit. Crashed my moms car a year after my 18th birthday in front of the entire school. Mom was so mad. I got a whiplash neck injurey of it.

Graduated best high school in town with over average grade and out of 14 award that you could get over 3 years I got 2. Only student who got two. 99% never got any.

6 months after car crash I flew of my motorbike and landed with my head in the road, passed out. Teared up my whiplash. Had immense pain for a few months.

Had now a fist sized hernia (inguinal).

3 months later I started basic training in the military. Was the best thing I did, feeled great. Even though fucked up neck, hernia and calfs, A few weeks after basic training I teared up my whiplash again. Left the military. Very very sad. It was a dream. Got plantar faciit on both feet because of very bad gear in the military. Been going to the same physiotherapist for 4 years now, best in the city.

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Started to read TRP, and rational male. Swallowed all of it without hesitation, understood most of it because I've seen it. This was a game changer. I got much less depressed. I saw the world now for what it is. And I could now descripe all the things that girls had done to me.

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My second cousins husband got something looking like ALS. So they where fucked up for 8 months. But he survived.

Got a surgery for my hernia, got a great job after this. However worked 8-12 hours days for 5 months in the pace of 200 km/h all day. Had a week of vacation, got sick on it.

A week later I met a girl I had been gaming in high school. I reached out to her a few weeks earlier on social media, and she was super glad I contacted her. We booked a date. She never came to the date. So i went after 30 mins. Was really sad and texted her, something like "where are you?" Later on the day she answered me and was super sorry for mistaken the time. She said her phone was broken. She said she thought I dissed her, cuz she sat and waited for and I did not show up. We booked a new date, and it was the best! We had so much fun. It was my first TRP date and really first time acting towards a women from a red pill lens, it worked excellent. We both seemed to like each other. She was going for along trip a few days later, we tried to meet again, but I had hindrance. We decided to meet when she come's back. (we have some things we gonna do togheter when she comes back, which is soon. She texts me sometimes when I put something on IG. But we don't text much, she is often answering texts very late, always done. She's on the other side of the planet with a friend. Who knows, maybe she is fucking a guy, I don't care.

My moms best friend day during night in bed at age 55.

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A day after the date, I did an try out for a thing, mentaly and physically demaning. The day after I get really really sick. Extreme pain in neck, headache and vomiting. Ended up at the hospital, after 1.5 week the doctors figuered out I had meningitis. Felt so fucked up beyond imagine. At the same time my aunts husband (next best friend, age 58) gets a stroke and heart failure. He survived but is fucked up, togheter with his alcoholic wife who drinks again, they make a misrelable couple that both needs help doing chores. I had another week of vacation booked, but I got meningitis so was not much of a vacation. Was back at work after a few weeks.

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I quit my job because I could not keep living were I lived, which were a rented garage remade to live in. This was a month ago.

Until this day I still have depression, panic attacks and anxiety time to time. But I know how to deal with them by now. But it is still a painfull experience.

Two friends know about the suicide history, but no one in my family. Not many left in healthy condition.

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Right now I've looking back to the past years and it feels really fucked up, all of it. There is so much stuff that happend. Everyone in my family have either had their lifepartner end up dead or severe ill. And a lot of "friends to the famliy" have died, all to early of illness.

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I don't know but is this how everyones lives looks like? Like 've been in the hospital around 25 times the the last 9 years. 70 percent of my famliy have been very ill or/and died to early. More than a handfull of friend to the famliy have died during the last 5 years. Many times I never tried to kill myself because it would completely ruin my family, becasue my mom would be so sad, and she is basically running the family now.

I've had 3 dates in my life, but I've tried many times, and got recjeted all of them minus 3.

However since TRP, girls have actually started to look at me in the gym and in the city etc. It is something I've been watching lately. I've been hitting the gym since I was 13. But it is really first this year I gotten muscles, propably put 5 -7 kg of muscles on my 164 cm tall body. And gotten more alpha.

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As you might understand I need to vent this from time to time. This is one way to do it. But when you're deep down in the hole and the only thing you wanna do is kill yourself, the only thing i want I a girl to hug me and be with me.

If I'll see this girl more, that soon is coming home. I wonder how I should deal with my past to her. I have a tendansy to onetitis her, but i know when it happens and i deal with it. But I would really enjoy her company (when it suits me).

So people of Reddit.

What do you think about my life?

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How can I "vent" or process my past with a girl? Or should I just never talk about it and keep it inside of me. Because when I'm down in the hole all of that unprocessed shit comes up, so I need to vent it somehow.

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