There is a reason why female sexuality was, is and always will be a controversial topic. Because it is so powerful. It literally creates life. Men would quite literally do anything for a woman to share her sexuality with him. They die for it, kill for it, work for it, pay for it, build their entire lives and personalities around it, are depressed without it. It is the main, if not the only, driving force for their motivation in life. Tell a man he will never be able to fuck a woman again in his life no matter what he does, how successful/good looking/rich he is and see whether he'd still be motivated to do so much as wipe his own ass. Most would literally go off the deep end with drugs, crime and would end up killing themselves and as many people as possible with them. Men talk about how female sexuality is passive and responsive but that is patriarchal bullshit. Female sexuality is the greatest driving force of nature and men have always been the ones that would bend and break and beg to be allowed access to it. Hence, women being able to be hypergamous with men being willing to stick their dick in a homeless, 300kg, facially deformed, 70 year old woman if she offered. Male sexuality is passive and responsive to what female sexuality demands/expects from them. Male's sexuality is only valid if a female validates it by allowing him access to herself. Tell a woman she will never have sex with a man and she will get over it. She may be sad that she cannot have a child although thanks to Western civilization she doesn't even need sex to have a baby anymore. And there is always adoption. A woman can die a virgin and still use her sexuality and be a sexual being. The patriarchy as we know it switched this around and gave us the Madonna/Whore complex to make it easier for men to make sense of it and shame women. How can you squeeze such a concept into two boxes? Seeing things in black and white is a male trait that they love to label as logic but is just delusion due to the fact they cannot understand it and it drives them crazy. They try to get some kind of an ownership over it, (think Islamic women being covered head to toe for everyone except their husbands) but they are never satisfied because they know it is elusive and it can never really be theirs.

So now in regards to the idea of being sex positive. On one hand the sex positive movement has put girls in danger of rape/sexual assault, boundaries have been erased, they're expected to fuck a dude within the third time meeting him at the latest, putting up with the negatives of birth control, no condoms therefore more STI's resulting in life long illnesses and pregnancies and abortions, the cosmetic & aesthetic maintenance to fit the porn ideal of something in between a 12 year old child and a blown up Barbie looking sex doll... On the other hand my father hasn't killed me for having pre-marital sex, I have not been hung in the middle of the city with the word WHORE written on me for having more than one partner, nor am I rotting in a psych ward for 'female hysteria' (i.e. what a woman's orgasm was known as not too long ago).

I was always a fence-sitter on this topic because female sexuality just seems to come with so much baggage. I don't want to analyse every single sexual interaction, I don't want to have to follow so many rules to find some sweet spot between Madonna and Whore because it quite literally doesn't exist. Neither of them feel authentic, both feel like a performance for the ever present male gaze. "You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur" - Margaret Attwood.

That's when I realised that my aversion to picking a side stemmed from the fact that I instinctively know that I shouldn't have to pick a side. That there are no sides. I mean what's the opposite of sex positive? Sex negative? Well I'm not that. I am a woman, living her life and experiencing her sexuality. It is mine. The power, privileged and pleasure is mine.

I'm not sex positive. I'm pleasure positive. I'm passionate about my sexuality and my enjoyment and my experience. I've begun being very vocal about my expectations from sexual partners. I demand respect, I demand a condom, I demand giving me head, I demand an orgasm, I'm vocal about what positions I like and what is non-negotiable, if you ask/try something after I've said no you're OUT of my life. I'm ruthless about my own pleasure and the more I do this, with or without a partner, the more at peace I am in my sex life. I never regret sex anymore because nothing I've done has been for someone else. I did what I wanted to do, what felt good for me and he had the privilege to be there and share the pleasure. With this comes the responsibility to vet partners better as well because not everyone deserves that privilege and not everyone can be trusted with giving me the effort and respect that I know me and my sexuality deserve.

I love my orgasms. I have always loved orgasms. I start and end my day with an orgasm and I might indulge in another one in between (which reallyyyy messed me up when I relied on porn). When I quit (about 3+ years ago) I started finding it difficult to cum solo and it freaked me out.

So I started experimenting with a lot of different techniques and scenarios in my imagination. I tried out this one thing that changed my entire perspective on sex. I'd just think about myself masturbating and I'd masturbate to that image of myself alongside with a lot of positive re-enforcement 'I am so beautiful, I know my own body so well, my body is incredible, I deserve this orgasm'. It felt odd and cringey self absorbed at the start but after a few weeks it made me drip in confidence and natural sexuality. I spoke to older women about their experiences. I met a woman who was a huge yogi and was able to orgasm through specific meditation techniques without touching herself at all and without even thinking about it. She had used these techniques during childbirth. Orgasms while giving birth. My knee jerk reaction was to be completely grossed out. But it makes so much sense. The pulsing/relaxing of the vaginal walls during/post orgasm, the dopamine rush and the adrenaline are a perfect combination for aiding the birth of a child. I've cured migraines with orgasms, period pain, lowered stress levels, helped with insomnia. I am continuously amazed by how incredible my own body is.

Your sexuality is a part of your mind, body and soul. And it is not objectification to think so because to be objectified by it means that you are selling it for a man. It is not for them, it is your own. It is not something to be ashamed of. Respect it, study it, embrace it, honor it. How you do that is up to you, as long as you are doing what is right for yourself, without any eyes and expectations on you. Love yourself and feel yourself (pun intended).