AITA for refusing to pay for college

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I (51M) have 2 children – Katie (F17) and Mark (M15). I am seeing a lovely lady – Alice who has 1 child – Eliza (F17). We met because our daughters are friends and have been seeing each other about 18 months and have lived together for 6 months. Though we currently live together, our finances are pretty separate. Financially I do pretty well and I make more than she does, so I pay about 80% of the “house” bills. In addition we both pay for own individual expenses and for those of our children – clothes, cars, cell phones, spending money, etc.

It had been going really well and we were talking marriage – which means combined finances. So we started looking at what a budget might look like and it went pretty well, though we both had to compromise a bit on what we wanted. Then we got to college savings. I put a certain amount of money into Katie and Mark’s college funds each month and I assumed we would be doing the same for Eliza. It turns out that Eliza does not have a college savings account. There is no money set aside for her future education at all. I was stunned.

I know Eliza is planning on going to college. Where to go is one of the favorite topics of conversation at the dinner table for both girls. Eliza is not gifted athletically or academically, so there is little chance of a scholarship. I asked Alice what her plan was and she replied she didn’t have one. I pointed out how expensive college was. She asked me how much I had saved for Katie and Mark so I pulled up those accounts. She said that was plenty – we could just divide in 3. I said absolutely not – I had started saving that money for each of the kids before they were even born and it belonged to them. She said what about treating the kids equally. I replied that equally meant giving each of them the same amount going forward, not taking money away from 2 of them to give to the other. She said what about the retirement funds – I said no again because both of the hit we would take on taxes and what it would do to our early retirement plans. I had worked hard to save to be able to retire early and travel. Alice said it was unfair to Eliza not to pay for her college when I am paying for the other two – and I agree. But you don’t start planning on how to pay for college when the kid is 17! It’s not Eliza’s fault, but it’s not mine either. Alice is accusing me of not caring about Eliza – that I would find a way if it was my child. I told her that I did find a way for my kids – it was saving for their entire life not hoping that tens of thousands of dollars would magically appear. It went downhill from there.

At this point Alice and I are not speaking. We won’t be getting married and I seriously doubt we will be together very much longer. I don’t think I am wrong, and neither do the people that I talk to. However I admit they are biased toward me. I am coming here to get an outside perspective. AITA?

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