Summary: Women think N won't come out, but it usually does, to disastrous results. Women lie, and don't handle it well when a husband becomes depressed or despondent. AFBB can happen at any age. If you're a wife whose N has come out, be humble, contrite, apologetic, and patient. Do not pressure him. Let it run its course, and accept that things won't be the same. If you're a husband who's discovered Wife's premarital N, do what you need to do, but don't confront her physically and don't go looking for detail. If you're "the Other Man", don't confront, don't create drama, and keep your mouth shut.


Our Brother u/moorekom gave us this post involving a woman from a few years ago and then the one in his stickied comment,. These posts are an object lesson in:

--how a woman's lying about N to her husband affects a marriage

--how a man deals with it in real time

--how a woman should NOT deal with it once the truth comes out.

1) How lying about N affects a marriage

First: The truth about her N will usually come out. Will it always come out? No, but it usually does, and it usually comes out in the way I've often identified- someone spills the beans. In this case it was "Bob", her husband's boss, who just happens to be one of her old fuckbuddies. And Bob talks about fucking her - his then hookup, his subordinate's now-wife - on the hood of a car.

Second: Women don't give their husbands "their best". If she's fucked guys before she met you, she gave THEM her best. She's giving you leftovers and table scraps, grudgingly given only because she knows she has to to keep you there. She openly talks about doing things with her fuck buddies that she won't do with hubby.

Third: These posts establish how women can't handle it when their BB husbands show negative emotions like anger, fear, despair, depression. See how Wife reacts? She gets pissed. She gets confrontational. She yells and bitches at him to "Snap out of it!" She won't even realize that she is the cause of his negative emotions.

Fourth: Women lie. Everyone lies, but women ESPECIALLY lie. And they're really good at it. She managed to keep her N=13 (the number she finally will admit to, not necessarily the true N) a secret from him for more than a decade.

Fifth: It's not just "leftover" women who get married at 30 or older who act like this. This woman racked up her N=13 (that she will cop to) by age 21. Wife was a firstball fastball slut in high school and college and then changed lanes to get her beta bux at 20. Wife started dating Husband while still hooking up with Bob from time to time. She started dating Husband at 20 and married him at 22. She knew Husband in high school but didn't date him. What does that tell you? She was a slut, dating and fucking hot guys and bad boys. Husband was a typical beta guy she was not (and still is not) sexually attracted to. Wife considered Husband for dating only when she decided it was time to find a husband.


2) How should Husband have handled this? If you're married and have no kids, and you find something like this out about your wife, the only logical response is divorce. There is no reason to remain together.

In the linked case, Husband handles it adequately with some mistakes. First, he withdraws inside himself, clams up, and shuts down. He does not say much. He self isolates and self protects. When something like this happens there's not much else to do until you can determine appropriate courses of action. In a case like this with no children and a lying Wife, it's best to begin planning an exit strategy.

Husband's mistakes:

--he talked to Bob about Bob's pre-marital relationship with Wife. Husband should not have even entertained anything Bob had to say about it, at any time. It's not a good idea to try to seek out details, because if you do that, you're likely to find out extremely unsavory details. You go digging for dirt on a lying whore wife, you're likely to find a LOT of it. So if you do that, be prepared to discover how truly nasty and depraved your wife was with other men.

--Husband did not walk away when wife confronted him and demanded to 'talk about it'. The better action is to shut down the conversation immediately by walking away.

--Husband did not clearly and assertively respond to Wife's pushing him back into the chair. The better way to respond is to tell her "DO NOT push me" and then walk away. And then make a record of it. When Wife gets physical in ANY way, he should have told her not to do that and then documented it clearly in the event of later law enforcement involvement.

--Husband responded to his wife's slapping him by getting physical and lifting her off the floor by her clothes. Husband risked police involvement and possible arrest and jail time for that. The better course of action is to document what just happened, take photos, and swear out a police complaint. if she persists, Husband should have whipped out his phone and begun videorecording her. The next day he should see a lawyer and begin planning his exit.


3) How should Bob have handled this? Bob has run into Wife after several years. He used to fuck Wife. And he knows that Wife is married to someone else. Bob also knows that Wife is married to a man who works for him. Bob is in the most precarious position here.

Bob's mistakes:

--Bob got shitfaced in mixed company. And then talked about his past sexploits with his subordinate's present wife, while Husband and Wife were both present.

--Bob assumed Wife had made full disclosure to Husband. Never assume a woman has told the full truth about anything, particularly about her past sexual experience.

--Bob made it worse by telling Husband details about his past with Wife, and then tried to play it off as being Husband's Eskimo brother.

--he made it still worse by talking to Wife, in public, where Husband and Bob work, about their mutual past.

Bob's critical, overarching error was that he created drama. This is never good. (Advice: You should avoid drama of all kinds. You should especially avoid drama involving women you used to fuck. Avoid it at all costs. You should not want drama. You should not seek it out. You should stay as far away from drama as you possibly can. Nothing good comes from inserting yourself into someone else's life hardships, conflicts, or relationships. If you have inadvertently gotten caught up as a supporting player in someone else's relationship drama, you immediately stop talking about it and you extricate yourself from it immediately. Do not address it again except to say that you've already said all you intend to say about it.)

Here's how Bob should have handled it:

--Don't get shitfaced if he can't handle his booze.

--Bob should not have revealed anything to anyone about his past relationship with Wife. Bob's past relationship with Wife is none of anyone's business, especially not Husband. (The word discretion comes to mind here. Use it and practice it, gents. Be discreet. Bob would have avoided this entire mess had he been discreet.) If Bob had said a little too much, he should handle it by telling Husband "Sorry, I shot my mouth off last night and said things I should not have said." And then never address it again. Bob did not owe anyone any further explanations and should not volunteer anything.

--Bob should not have talked with Husband about it. At all. If Husband came asking questions, Bob should have shut down the conversation with "I told you that I should not have said anything. I have already apologized for my indiscretion. I will not discuss this with you."

--Bob should not have entertained any discussions with Wife about this, at all, anywhere. When she showed up at the place where Bob and Husband work, demanding to talk to Bob, Bob should have brought her back to his office and opened the conversation by apologizing to Wife for his indiscretion. He should then have told her that he would not discuss it further, that he had not discussed it with Husband, that he would never discuss it with Husband, and that Husband would not suffer any adverse work repercussions from Bob because of Wife's past relationship with him or because of Husband's reaction to it. He should have told her there would be no further discussion about it at any time, here or anywhere else, and that the matter was completely closed.


4) How should Wife have handled this? She mishandled this from start to finish. The way Wife addresses this is exactly the wrong way to do it. Literally everything she does is wrong. Wife:

--lies about her N for 10 years

--is not sufficiently humble and contrite about the lying when the truth finally comes out

--bitches and complains about Husband's "moping"

--accuses Husband of "ruining Christmas" because of his depressed state and his inability to "snap out of it"

--confronts Husband and demands he talk about it

--demands that they attend counseling together

--when he gets up to leave, pushes him back into a chair and continues the confrontation

--slaps him across the face

--yells at him, accuses him of acting like a weak bitch

--makes excuses to Husband saying things like "I was young and confused" and "it was a long time ago" after discovering Bob told him everything

--confronts Bob (who is, remember, her husband's boss), in public at Husband's workplace, threatens Bob, and accuses him of harassment

--makes herself a laughingstock at Husband's place of employment because everyone where her husband works now knows that she used to fuck her husband's boss years ago

--humiliates and cucks Husband at his place of employment by making a public scene with Bob

--goes online to seek out validation, complaining that "this was over a decade ago" and "it was a long time ago" and "what's the big deal?"

As you can see, Wife fucked this up royally, from the very beginning. This is an object lesson for women in how not to handle it when you have past sexploits and they get dredged up in front of your husband. Even when Bob shot his mouth off, it still might have been salvageable. But now, based on the wife's private rampage at her husband and her public rampage at her husband's boss, nothing can be done now except for the husband to walk away from the smoldering wreckage his wife has created.

Here's how Wife should have handled this:

--When it comes out, Wife should have acted humbly and contritely. She should apologize, not for the sex, but for lying about it and for hurting Husband. Apologize for his finding out how he did. Apologize for Husband getting humiliated in public in front of his boss and coworkers. She should have prostrated herself before him and begged his forgiveness.

--She should never press Husband about it. At all. Ever. Wife stands back and stands down, leaves him alone, and lets him handle it however he needs to handle it. If that means he's quiet, then he is. If he's not talking to Wife, then he's not. If he needs to talk to others, then he does. Wife should leave him alone and let him handle it however he needs to handle it.

She should show patience, kindness, tenderness, gentleness, and quiet resolve. She should NEVER show impatience, frustration, anger, or resentment about any part of it. She should not demand anything of him, at all. She should never ever put her hands on him in anger. She should remember that she has created this situation through her dishonesty and lack of disclosure, and act accordingly. She needs to realize the only things that might make this better are humility, gentleness, and patience.

--Wife should under no circumstances try to talk to Bob about any of this. Wife should not do or say anything that could appear to interfere in Husband's professional life. Wife should immediately end and shut down any attempts by anyone other than Husband to talk about this situation.

--Wife should never talk about any part of the situation with anyone except a therapist if she feels a need to do so. She should not talk with anyone else - not even her parents, not even her closest friends.

--Wife should accept with grace and dignity whatever Husband decides about their future together, or apart. She should accept that this very well might mean the end of her marriage.