TL:DR - Asian military spouse. Conflicted between what is equality, vs tradition, and military spouse criticism. Am I welcome in this subreddit?

I do believe in equality, men should win more custody cases ( it's about who can raise the child best, not gender) and liked the Twitter post about men not being cash cows for lazy women, and I also believe if a woman hits a man he has the right to defend himself against female violence. All though my mother told me a good man never hits a woman because she's weaker, I'm not sure how to feel about that.

However I also think men are stronger and think with their heads and not their emotions like women do, so some proffressions are more suited to men doesn't mean a woman can't become a pilot or a builder if she wants to but it might be harder. It's how I was brought up.

I joined this subreddit because I'm sick of feminists telling me I'm oppressed, and women belittling men and traditional gender roles. But I'm also conflicted because I expect certain treatment by my husband.

I'm sorry this is a long venting post.

The other military spouses "worry" about me, because Im always "dressed up" so I look decent when he comes home, it's what I like, me. I like doing it; and when i go out with them,

I ask my husband before I buy anything, even a coffee (I'm currently not working, no kids, new job starts February!) But even when I've been working, I still text and ask because he brings in the majority of the income. I feel like it's the right thing to do. He doesn't force me to tell him I'm buying socks at the dollar store, I just like to ask. I like cooking and doing the traditional housewife things too because it's how I was brought up. He shares some jobs like kitchen clean up because my eyesight is medically very poor and he likes to do the laundry himself which im grateful for, but I don't expect him to do it especially while I'm at home full time. We have an understanding between us that I cook and make fresh kimchi and vegetable dishes from scratch everyday, I do 90% of the house chores and he drives me to places (I can't drive - eyesight) and goes to work to provide for us financially. If one of us has more energy than the other, we help each other out.

That's equality, right?

My husband is quite a typical korean, even though he's a us citizen and prefers traditional roles but also supports me with my goal of studying a master's and getting a job. But what conflicts me is that I have Asian expectations. I expect to be carried home when I'm drunk once a year or if I'm too short to see fireworks in a crowd I expect a shoulder ride, Carry my handbag and the shopping please. I like it when he ties my shoe laces for me, he opens the car door for me.
I like that he does all the family finances and any paperwork. It's his money.
I like that my husband is there with a band aid if I get even the smallest scratch, (and I'm there for him too with the cold medicine if I hear a single sneeze. I care too!) Even if we have our separate incomes, I put all my money in his bank account and then let him pay for things when we're out because in Asian culture the man usually pays.

Maybe I just dislike non asian women? I don't find being overweight or wearing jeans/leggings and flip-flops feminine. I don't like women who talk loudly and say harsh things about men or their partners in public. I never show my cleavage and legs at the same time (in fact I'm more a leg showing girl. I'm embarrassed to show boob)

I expect to be taken care of like a princess but at the same time I do anything for my husband. Even somethings I might not like. 11pm and he's hungry? He worked hard. Ofcourse I'm going to go make noodles or grill steaks. I love this human I married and want them to be happy.

Yet apparently all this behavior is wrong.

Recently he joined me in a gym with a structured workout class and drives me every morning. I gained some weight since coming to the states and I worry about my looks a lot, so I was happy that he did that for me. But they (the military spouses) criticised that too. These women accuse me of being infantilized and objectified. They say I'm being body shamed and one minute I'm dressed too modestly and the next minute I'm dressing up too much. Telling me that I have the right to use his money any way I like because it's mine too. Is it?? And most recently, because I commented that I dont like books with female main protoganists that I'm a woman hater brainwashed by men. It makes me so angry. WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM MEEEE

I dislike the fat spouses that dont work but drive to Starbucks every day and drink 1200 calories of sugar and then get their nails done for like $60 without asking their husband and talk about how their husband is lazy.

Yet I dislike the women that also work full-time and say that being a stay at home mother is fueling sexism and that they don't need a man in their life because they're apparently independent and powerful.

But they both call themselves feminists

Dear Reddit, please help me. Am I a hypocrite? Are my Asian values also sexist towards men? Am I racist? What camp am I in? Am I anti-feminist too?

I'm open to discussion and criticism because I'm honestly confused about what is right and wrong.

Sorry for the poor grammar.

Edit: the reason I mentioned being a military spouse is because there is also a toxic culture of women marrying service members and abusing their money and rank whilst claiming their stay at home life is the hardest job in the military but it's ok because they're living traditionally