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How would you guys deal with public shaming? [Story inside]

Reddit View
July 13, 2020
66 upvotes

Yo guys

This happened in my home town, a dude who is fairly active in the local music scene as a frontman and guitarist got accused by his ex of being abusive and manipulative.

The accusations came in the form of 10+ pages of text written by this girl about all the abuse she suffered at the hands of her ex posted on Facebook and Instagram.

She says he did things like gaslight her regularly, via accusing her of sleeping with their mutual friend, to the point where she could no longer tell if she did it or did not.

She says when he got riled up he would stomp about the house, slam doors, and break things. Apparently when this happened she would run and hide under her bed and try to be as quiet as possible.

There's loads more, I don't think any more detail than what I've given is needed for the question to stand.

Upon this post going live he was kicked out of his most successful band (one that was started by and is fronted by a woman) and loads of his friends ditched him too.

Then this guy posted his own statement one week later, basically saying - look we were both as bad as eachother, I deny all allegations of physical and mental abuse, but the relationship was mutually toxic. All these statements have been provided without evidence, and each statement paints her in a much better light than myself, but it was mutual.

Me and my boys discussed this as it unfolded in our group chat, and I was very disappointed in one of my best mates who wholeheartedly stands with her and thinks this guy is a piece of human garbage.

Look, for me, what this girl did was very wrong because it was basically an act of vigilante justice. She had no evidence to back up her claims, and this guys reputation is in the gutter regardless. Full character assasination.

If this happened to me, I think I would completely ignore this girl, in line with the laws of power number 36: By acknowledging a petty problem you give it existence and credibility.

However, maybe everything she posted is true. I don't know. I do know that if everyone supported vigilante justice we'd all be fucked.

What do you think?

Do you think how either of these people handled this situation was okay?

What would you do if your ex posted this about you?

And most importantly for myself, what would you do if your best friend wholeheartedly supported this vigilante justice with no evidence to back it up?

Am I crazy for thinking he is crazy? Should I discuss this with him any further?


Post Information
Title How would you guys deal with public shaming? [Story inside]
Author Diligent-Cold
Upvotes 66
Comments 59
Date 13 July 2020 11:45 AM UTC (7 months ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/712524
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/hqdsv0/how_would_you_guys_deal_with_public_shaming_story/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
gaslighting
Comments

[–]boy_named_su36 points37 points  (4 children) | Copy

I'd immediately sue her for defamation

[–]ntkstudy4414 points15 points  (2 children) | Copy

I think the dude threw any chance of winning it out the window with his response

[–]CavillOfRivia8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

In the gaming community (i still enjoy gaming, sue me) like a month or so girls starting to accuse a shit load of guys of sexual harrasment, beign creeps, etc.

There was this one dude, who, after the allegations against him came out, made a video with his wife at his side reading an apology to the girls. People of course said he wasnt beign honest, so he deleted the video and uploaded a new one apologizing AGAIN for his behavior.

Mind you, there was 0 evidence against him, just whatever the girls were saying. So anyways, this dude then after apologising two times already contacts a lawyer and makes a video bringin receipts and "his side" of the story. Of course no one believed him, and is now a laughing stock to everyone, and is getting called a rapist and a creep every video he uploads and now his career is going downhill since he lost sponsors and etc.

Then theres this other dude who got accused sexual misconduct too. He waited a couple of days because he consulted a lawyer first and put out a statement saying "none of this is true and im sueing the shit out of everyone involved in this and everyone who keeps repeating it". He didnt lost a single sponsor and is by now clear of eveything since the girl deleted everything and issued and apology.

So what im trying to say is, just be smart. Either keep receipts or be prepared for for a long battle.

[–]NightFire452 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Never ever admit guilt…ever.

[–]Alzatorus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I agree, but if it is true then it will be thrown out of court. Defamation is only defamation if he didn't do it. If she's got anything on him at all he would be fucking himself.

[–]hmsthinkingmeat94 points95 points  (7 children) | Copy

"She says he did things like gaslight her regularly, via accusing her of sleeping with their mutual friend, to the point where she could no longer tell if she did it or did not."

From my own experience:

A person who has been gaslighted is usually mind fucked and don't like to even talk about it because it makes them feel like they've gone a bit crazy, and what you can absolutely guarantee is that the gaslighter will acuse the victim of being the one doing the gaslighting.

They also get their story out first to get as many "flying monkeys" on their side as possible, because most people take other people at face value and believe them (it's the socially acceptable thing to do), so then when person 2 gives their side of events they sound like they're trying to make excuses to cover their own behvaiour and people don't believe them.

"She says when he got riled up he would stomp about the house, slam doors, and break things. Apparently when this happened she would run and hide under her bed and try to be as quiet as possible."

Also people who are abusive will acuse the other person of being the abuser, it's called projection. Real victims of abuse - if he's some kind of maniac like she's saying - would be too terrified of "riling him up" by attacking him like this verbally and publicly, because if he were a violent loon as she claims he'd probably find her and beat her to a bloody pulp for doing it to him.

So she doesn't sound like she's scared of him, she sounds like she's trying to hurt him, which suggests she is the one who was the aggressor.

But hey this is the 21st Century, all a wahmen has to do is say "he is abusive" and everyone jumps on the "beat the man" bandwagon.

It's part of the cancel culture.

[–]mickenrorty[🍰] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

MeToo is the modern day witch hunt

[–]TominatorXX8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy

This is so true that the abuser and bully will accuse everyone else of being abusive and a bully. I have a neighbor like this who's really awful and if you try and establish norms about what are acceptable suddenly you are a bully and you're terrible and you're an awful person and racist and everything else she can think of anti women. And so on. Pure garbage.

[–]bare_et_spoergsmaal2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Is she successful or hated?

[–]TominatorXX0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I guess it depends who you ask.

[–]ShortDamage3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed. The Johnny Depp/Amber Heard thing is a clear example of this..

[–]ASTRA-LUX0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Couldn't have said it better myself, thank you.

[–]94redstealth12 points13 points  (4 children) | Copy

Here is my thing, and you have to step back further. It comes down to frame. Not just your frame with relationships, frame with the public at larger. Your frame is what gives other people's statements credibility.
This guy apparently had a frame that made these accusations seem plausible. It doesn't matter whether he did it or not, he left an opening for people to believe it.
With that, here can't ignore it and let it go. He already had an open wound, this accusation is the infection setting in. He has to deal with it. Saving face is his only option.
As for other people, you can't change their mind openly. They have to make the change 'theirself'

[–]Wants permission to daternsbrum6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

I would simply ignore her claims, and would never apologize. Problem he will lose his rep forever in the eyes of the sheep. "uh bruh u cant hang with us you were mean with that girl".

[–]Senior Endorseddr_warlock0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"uh bruh u cant hang with us you were mean with that girl"

The amount of loser it takes to behave like this. These are not people you want to be friends with. Times like these show you who you can trust.

[–]MisterRoid5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

This sums it up well. He probably did more damage by responding because it came across as weak and apologetic.

[–]throwawaycunt19972 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Perfect explanation. How can this be resolved before it happens?

Perhaps being both a badass as well as with presentation of a good heart? (Like a heavy metal vocalist who also does volunteering/charity)

[–]TakeHerToAGayBar12 points13 points  (4 children) | Copy

Image is everything.

An allegation like that is an attack at your reputation, your image and possibly even your career. I don't remember what law it is in the book, but it's there in the book; guard your reputation.

The problem here is that the moment the cat's out of the bag, is the moment you can't truly ignore it, especially if you're a big fish. If it's just dinky old her and you, and nobody else but the institutions, then yea maybe you can. If your friends, workplace, life and everything else is at stake, then you must fight tooth and nail using every single trick in the book.

Sue for label and slander, get media institutions going by telling them your side of the story, try to get traction etc.

[–]Wants permission to daternsbrum10 points11 points  (3 children) | Copy

Reputation is too fucking tricky. Its a castle of cards, you build it up for so long but it only takes a second to break it down. Do not rely on it. Make yourself so strong that your reputation does not matter.

[–]TakeHerToAGayBar15 points16 points  (1 child) | Copy

Sounds nice on paper, but not practical to be applied to real life unless you'll go the mythical Alpha Wolf James Bond Alfa-Omega Beta-Slayer Chad that uses no cellphone, has no friends, no social circle or a professional circle that can be tarnished and has all the monetary value he needs, route.

For us mortals who maybe have a nice successful career, or a business, or a reputation that is worth something on, it is absolutely a most to be savvy about this stuff.

If you live what you're preaching, then good on you dude, but you're an exception not the rule.

[–]PsychologicalInjury2-3 points-2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Alpha Wolf James Bond Alfa-Omega Beta-Slayer Chad that uses no cellphone, has no friends, no social circle or a professional circle that can be tarnished and has all the monetary value he needs

That's what I did.

[–]theredsperg2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

  1. text messages. that shit is a digital evidence book.

[–]SIR_SKINNYPENIS6912 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy

Reputation destruction is the female version of physically attacking someone, which is what men do.

The fact that our society has delved deep into reputation destruction (cancel culture) shows again how feminised we have become as a society.

Plan accordingly. You can't change it, and it won't change any time soon. Look for red flags in women and date carefully.

[–]jusssay8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Daaamn, you'd think if he could gaslight her into thinking she'd fucked a guy.. He'd also gaslight her into thinking he didn't abuse her.

Even if its true, nothing should happen. Why? Because there is no evidence and that is the only way you uphold a fair justice system. Evidence first.

Leave acquaintances be with their opinions, only your core friends need the same values. Anyway, demote said friend to acquaintance.

Semi joking.

[–]2319Skew8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

We're living in the E-Version of the rein of terror. Only instead of dying by guillotine, it's a social and/or financial death.

Unfortunately, trying to step back and demand evidence of a crime is now just as bad as being silent since "silence is violence". So unless you fall in line like its a George Orwell novel you can do some self harm.

There's really nothing you can do publicly but ride it out. Acknowledge it and try to appear to take the winning side and then behind closed doors do the research on it.

Eventually, it will burn itself out.

As for yourself, make sure that you record everything you can and have witness. Bonus points if they are women or gay. Triple if they are lesbian.

Strive to be SMV as people have a harder time accepting bad news on someone they admire and like.

Avoid fucking crazy. This one is hard since crazy women are great lays and amazing at hiding skeletons.

[–]Aspanu245 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

Girls love going public and twisting their side of the story. They have so many yes men there’s no negative side to doing so. The best thing you can do when in a relationship is get tight with her friends, then when STHF they at least believe you

[–]theredsperg1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

that's completely correct, people to back her up when there is NO evidence to suggest otherwise.

you're also up against 'the heard'

[–]Aspanu242 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yup. Then when the truth comes out your rep is already ruined. Some people never hear the truth. Had a girl who I thought was single get caught by her husband after we fucked. She told him I raped her so he went around telling everyone in town I raped her. I had to call him up and be like.. hey man, how could I rape her if she was on top of of me riding me?

[–]1DubbleFUPAwitCheez3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'd keep it simple. I broke up with her and she's the ex for a reason. If someone asked me point blank what I thought about that post I would say, believe none of what you read and half of what you see.

[–]Nergaal2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

publishing 10 pages of stories without any evidence made to look your ex like a psycho is probably the equivalent of revenge porn. they are both intended to be toxic at no cost to the party doing the transgression. but society doesn't treat them similarly

[–]THEN1NJA2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

He needs to go on the offensive. I’ve only seen men make it out from things like this when they take the gloves off. Hell I’d tell him to look thru his old messages from her and get to posting and tag as many people that are on her side in it.

[–]cydestiny1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Vet carefully and don't fuck crazy. Hard but something worth learning.

[–]askmrcia1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Something very similar happened to a guy in my Improv group.

The guy left the group and the city's Improv community. And he was easily one of the bigger guys in the city.

I don't know what happened was true or not, but when it comes to these types of alligations I'm just not a fan on how everyone takes the girl's word at 100 percent.

They don't go to the police or anything. They just talk about it all over social media trying to ruin the guy's character.

That tells me all I need to know because if it was as serious as they claim it is I would hope to see more drastic action.

Going on social media or simply telling friends when you know those people will take your word without any evidence says a lot.

I never been in the situation myself, but if I were I'd be suing their ass.

[–]liloozy1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

see 48 laws of power, more specifically the chapter that talks about reputation it’s 3-4 or i think. Basically you guard reputation with your life and in today’s world instead of making rationalizations to behavior like the guy did above, you retaliate and you do so by appearing more credible and smarter to the general public. You smear your opponents credibility so you defeat them.

[–]WhatRemainsAfter1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Destroy her.

When secrets are out, why hold back?!

I would not leave a page unturned. Probably a shit show but if I am getting kicked out of my band, friends ditching me, a reputation tarnished - hell should break loose.

She should apologize in public. Such should be the force.

[–]cracksniffer6661 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Happened to me. I learned about "Reputation Destruction" from Jordan Peterson, and it's just part of life. Men physically assault you; women socially/mentally assault you. It makes a ton of since from a biological standpoint.

I basically just fucked off to a different area of the city, my true friends know all of it was bullshit, so that's how I cope.

[–]Pycnostyle1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I had an ex go bananas on me. It was before #metoo or even social media (I'm old), but she did call all of my family and friends to tell them what a horrible human being I was.

When people asked me about it, I'd just shrug my shoulders and said I don't know what to tell you. I could give my side of the story and make it a he-said-she-said, but I just don't have the energy for it. So think what you want to think based on what you know about me and what you know about her, but all of my energy is going to go toward my own recovery and healing. I hope you understand.

Most people understood. Breakups can be ugly. I don't even know all of what she said about me, and I don't really even care.

As for the band guy, I guess he could take a similar approach. He could block her, and when the accusations come in, he can just say he blocked her because he felt he's suffered enough. And that he's focused on his recovery and won't be drawn back into the situation.

[–]ShortDamage1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like the current twitch-drama and "cancel culture" really. Women left and right are writing these long thorough descriptions about how terrible they've been treated by a known/semi-known person and they get immediately cancelled by their employers/sponsors.

The current trend in recent months is extremely dangerous and it doesn't seem to stop. It's always some ex who comes out of nowhere and describes how toxic a person was, when i reality it was probably the relationship itself that was toxic. Seriously, how will this all end? I feel like people around me don't realise how insane some of this shit going on in the world is.

[–]BePrivateGirl1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Just want to add a comment from the female perspective:

Abuse accusations are serious. There are consequences.

I’ve been around TRP longer than many of you I’m sure.

TRP is not about abuse. And TRP men should avoid any possible contact with anything that could possibly be called abuse.

Don’t ever abuse a woman...and by that I really mean...don’t ever care enough.

If a chick does something to make you attracted, even though you know she’s crazy, so you get laid a few times and it turns out she’s crazy...walk away. Follow your mission.

If a chick ends up really seeming like a nice girl...but a couple months down the line she does something dumb...you are humiliated...maybe even your friends know... walk away. Follow your mission.

There is nothing less red pill than engaging in an emotional argument until it escalates to violence...from you or her.

There is nothing less red pill than getting arrested for assault...or unruly behavior...how would you let that moment of your life fuck up your career.

I know that most domestic abuse is bilateral...from both man and woman.

Never put yourself in that situation.

CARE LESS.

[–]SimplyFishOil1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

He can either make peace of the situation, ignore it, or fight back.

She has the power in this scenario, and with all these sex allegations women are being listened to more. He should try and work with her to make the situation better, because other wise she'll just come back at him again if he gets more successful

[–]Senior Endorseddr_warlock1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Omg, someone slammed a door and stomped around the house. So scary and violent. Lol. Any man that came to her rescue is a loser. Not a single person in his life was worth being around. He could have threatened legal action prior to his 'confession' then just skipped town. Now he should just leave.

[–]zboo1h0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Prophylaxis. The situation would never happen if you simply didn't engage these people in any way at all.

[–]Bleu_Cheese_Pursuits0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

By being a solo artist.

[–]JameisBong0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I might be OPs friend in the story, lol

But no seriously I've gone through something similar recently. I was very upset initially... But the more i think about it, the more i feel better about being ostracized by "friends" who are essentially blue pill simps.

The best thing is to let things play out and stick with your defense. Some people will defend you, some will not. Make sure your frame is intact. Only you can define you, not your friends and not your environment.

[–]ShortDamage1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I guess it's a good test to see who your real friends are. I'm very close with a group of friends, and if they didn't have my back when a girl tried to tarnish my reputation like that, then fuck 'em.

[–]JameisBong0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I agree. I found out they didn't have my back. It's heartbreaking but i accepted the situation. I now have to make an entirely new group of friends. If a guy can end your friendship over some girl, he was never really your friend in the first place.

[–]ASTRA-LUX0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

One word: Defamation

[–]Longgbottom0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Remind me after the Alpha Gods chip in their 2 cents

[–]theredsperg0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

what do i think? he could be a fucking dick and he needed society to set him straight imo

what's wrong with that? your best friend is treading a fine line, in the next 5 years your lead singer could either be making a name for himself or worse not.

imo dudes are as bad as women are sometimes, stop pussy defending or not defending.

make your own mind up vs coming to reddit

[–]RPOpenUp0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Both parties are equally guilty i.m.o

However the fact that he is in a toxic relationship is in his own control. So no matter who is the worst/most toxic, a high value man would leave the relationship

[–]HellSpeed-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

Equally guilty of what? WTF are you talking about?

[–]RPOpenUp0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You know what, I agree what she did is stupid and she should be sued for this, not like it will fix anything. I still stand by my point tho that it's ignorant to stay with a low value whore

[–]RPOpenUp-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

STAYING in a toxic relationship is just as stupid as being the toxic one.

Both parties are equally responsible. There is not just A VICTIM in a relationship

THAT's what i'm saying

[–]damiksta93-4 points-3 points  (5 children) | Copy

How the fuck is gaslighting even a thing? Like how mentally weak do you have to be for someone else to alter your reality with words lmao...

If this whore did make up lies and ruin this guys band and stuff he should punch her in the face

[–]Zero-Milk3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

You're clearly very young. Adult relationships in the 21st century are often rife with emotional manipulation and turmoil because people are increasingly losing their ability to regulate their emotional impulses, and narcissistic personality disorders are also revealing themselves to be more common than we could've ever thought possible. Couple that with the ordinary stresses of fast-paced modern living, and you've got a society full of confused and emotionally wrecked people that either hurt everyone who dares to get close to them, or who are highly susceptible to being hurt by such people.

[–]damiksta930 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

im 27. idk man, ive just never encountered it.. i cant even believe its actually a real thing.

[–]ASTRA-LUX1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If this whore did make up lies and ruin this guys band and stuff he should punch her in the face

Physical violence does not match with stoicism. Weak minded people resort to physically assault others because they lack logic, rationality, discipline. Vetting carefully is the key but hey, who can look past the juicy pair of tits and ass, right? Fuck crazy, get crazy in return.

[–]jusssay-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Punch her, that's abit harsh bro.

I prefer a solid full swing bitch slap.

[–]damiksta930 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Vengeance must be taken 1 way or another, I’m glad we’re on the same page



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