I cannot say I am gay; I’ve never even considered having a male relationship until this year, nor have I ever had a remotely gay experience. Hell, my shit father didn’t even hug me growing up. Despite this, I know I can be catty; I like makeup and chokers, and grooming my long hair. I am 23, btw, but I look a tad younger.
I don’t have bad looks, and I’m not too concerned about my 30s. I’m certainly not 100% gay; I want to eventually start a family with kids and a woman. I do have a masculine side; I can present masculine; I enjoy it as as much as my effeminate side. I like to think my features are overall fair and pretty twinkish at this rate; button nose, large eyes, maybe a square chin but my body and face overall is pretty androgynous. I get told I’m good looking. Of course, I personally wish I could look more effeminate but whatever. I have lost quite a bit of weight since the beginning of this year from working hard and calorie counting: 5’ 7” and floating around 130 lb. I started this year at 145lb. Honestly, this the most attractive I’ve ever looked; I was a nerdy fat teen.
I have a mission and drive, but I’m also stuck living at my parents’ since they’re basically a dumbfucking christcuck boomer and an alcoholic Karen. I’m entirely ready to cut them out of my life permanently; every attempt to develop and explore as a person is met with resistance. Shitfucks wouldn’t even teach me to drive, or let me drive (I had to resort to playing girls when I was younger to do this) and my overbearing mother keeps manipulating me and isolating me from any attempt I make to get into a tribe or develop a friendship; she even gets in the way of anything between me and my father when that is going right. (Then I get mad and he backs her up) It does not help I live in a rural area.
I honestly feel like I want to snap and just kill them both, but obviously I won’t. I start a new job soon and I’m moving out ASAP - they’re getting the finger and I’m abandoning them to die entirely. I can go the rest of my life not caring whether they are even still alive. Fuck them.
As far as my reason for posting here... I don’t know where to start. My anxiety gets in the way of me even considering anything homosexual. I also don’t find most men attractive. So AWALT/AGMALT, right? I like being dominant with women, a switch female would be even cooler but I feel that to be asking too much, but I could only consider being submissive with a man.
If I could find one I was attracted to. Or then not letting my anxiety get in the way. Or not picking too high above my SMV I guess. Or basically knowing where the fuck to start with this. I am not looking for hookups at all; I’d very much like to have a functional relationship. I know how to take care of a home, cleaning and all.
Honestly, I’m not even sure I’m looking in the right place. I could theoretically be looking for a man or woman, yet I’m so disappointed with both right now. I don’t know what the fuck to do or where to start.