One of the main points women use against setting the most basic FDS standards for themselves is this: "it isn't feminist to let a man pay for your food".

That mentality is, in fact, patriarchal and not feminist, because it benefits the man at the woman's expense.

Truth is paying for your food when on a date works against you and benefits him. I really wish it didn't, I'd pay for my own food in exchange for an actually just and fair world for women gladly. But we gotta work with the world we live in, not the world we wish we lived in.

Ways in which women face more obstacles and burdens than men when it comes to dating and earning money to pay for those dates:

On the personal and individual level

A woman, as an individual, puts more on the line than a man does. I simply cannot find any statistics of men raped or murdered in dates or for rejecting a woman romantically. I bet those statistics don't exist because the cases don't exist. Meanwhile, for women:

  1. The sheer act of showing up to a date or having a potential romantic relationship puts many women at risk of date rape. Coercion and harassment are also likely and you simply never know how a man will react if you were to reject him, women are killed for this.
  2. Talking about sext: the possibility of pregnancy, cervical cancer and almost guaranteed lack of orgasm in consensual sex, coupled with the high rates of coercion and sexual violence makes a sexual encounter a very different prospect for a man than a woman. It works in the interest of men to minimize the risks for women's well being and safety, so that we will devalue ourselves (by thinking of these risks as not important) and have sex with them with zero effort on their part, and we get to deal with all the downsides.
  3. If things were to progress and the woman becomes emotionally invested in the man, she is more likely than her partner to quit her job to take care of children, becoming an involuntary housewife.
  4. Roughly a third of women worldwide report having experienced intimate partner violence. Your risk of becoming the receiver of that man's violence in the future is important, he does not face that risk.
  5. If you get married, he is likely to divorce you if you get seriously ill.
  6. Society expects certain beauty standards from women, which require an investment of time, effort and money, when not pain: body hair removal, having longer hair that requires more care, skincare, makeup and often uncomfortable shoes (because the comfy ones are not suitable for the office). Not conforming to these standards can make you a target for social hostility or jeopardize your position at work or in your community. Dressing well enough is often another investment in and of itself: going shopping, trying things on, buying them, maintaining the clothes.

On the professional level

Women face more obstacles to earn the same money a man makes. More obstacles to achieve the same status and recognition.

  1. Pay gap. Women as a group and on average earn less than men, and this difference is bigger for women of color, disabled women, etc. Remember that averages are not negated by individual cases of rich women, so beware of people who offer you cherry picked examples to get you to lower your standards.
  2. Women are less likely to get hired. When they are hired, they are paid less, face hostile work environments and their work environment was designed for men's comfort even at the cost of productivity. When they become experts, they aren't taken as seriously as men, which could likely result in less financial gain.
  3. Women are much more likely to see their performance, well being and career jeopardized by sexual harassment in the workplace.
  4. When having children, it is women's careers that suffer: they can get fired, they do not experience the same success rate as men and the family burdens fall disproportionately on them and not their male partners.

All these reasons shape a playing field that is uneven: while men have difficulties as well, women have those and more. Plus, men are overwhelmingly looking for a bangmaid and will lie to your face to get you to be that for him, while women are looking for meaningful connections (be it sexually in the short term, or as a long term partnership), so who derives more benefit from you thinking that the risks and obstacles above do not exist and that you and him are just two equal souls looking for love?

Women are collectively burdened with child rearing, the "mental load" of house managment and looking pretty much more than men are. When a woman commits to a man, she is not likely to leave him just for being lazy and careless towards her, their children and their home.

For all these reasons, if on top of living in a world that is violent and unjust to you and puts down more obstacles for you to be financially independent, you go and pay for your food, you're doing the guy a favor, not evening out any field. You are furthering the disadvantage you're already in and as such behaving in line with patriarchy.

But I want to show him I'm independent! I don't want to owe him sex!

There are two common arguments I haven't brought up yet that women make in favor of paying: proving her financial independence to the man and not owing the guy sex.

Point 1: you don't need to prove anything to anyone, it is obvious to the naked eye whether you're financially independent or not. Are you living on your own? Paying for your own expenses, car, flat, etc? Then stop thinking that paying halves is more proof than your actual life situation.

Point 2: you can't be expected to honor a transaction you never agreed to. If you didn't agree to fuck a guy in exchange for a 50 dollar meal and the hour or so of company and conversation, there is no deal. Paying for someone's food doesn't turn them into your sexual slave, and if he expects this, you can and must say no and leave in the safest possible way for you.

Also on point 2, if you pay for your own food you miss the chance to know whether this guy is of the mentality that buying you something entitles him to sex and control over your body.

There is not a single logical reason for you to pay for your own food on a date with a man while there are endless reasons to not pay. Make sure the relationship benefits you, that you are going forward with a man worthy of becoming emotionally tied to and not a man that will hurt you and make you miserable. Get that food, enjoy the date, and vet him.

As a final clarification: I don't expect individual men to take on the responsibility of evening out the field. They must prove that they are a worthy candidate for a woman's partner in a world where men are dangerous for women, and paying for dates is part of the bare minimum.

Stay safe and keep leveling up!