My husband cheated and I'm not sure how to handle it.

nonamanuensis · 2017-09-27T16:40:20+00:00

To be radically honest and judgmental I'm going to outburst: forget cheating, someone getting drunk and hanging out with a crowd that enjoys strippers/prostitutes would be a deal breaker for me. And if they ALL cheated? What does that say about the kind of person your husband is if that's his preferred crowd? Water seeks its own level.

I know hindsight is 20/20. And I can't imagine the pain you're feeling right now. Not only are you dealing with it but you are opening yourself up to random strangers on the internet and we can all give some backseat driving advice. This is YOUR life and your decision to make and there isn't a black/white 100% perfect move to make. I imagine you will be grieving for a long time and if you do stay it won't be easy. But it won't be easy to leave either. Your only part in this was choosing a man who thought this kind of behavior (alcohol+prostitutes) was ok - and lots of people say that is normal or "sowing wild oats" or other such nonsense so it makes sense that you would let it slide. But now you know better. So you did nothing to deserve this. And I don't think there's anything you can do to fast forward the grieving process except not fight it. At some point, I thought getting his side of the story would make sense but alcohol+prostitutes+peers-who-condone-the-combination seems like a slam dunk explanation to me. If you stay I would make your expectations of appropriate behavior regarding those variables VERY clear and be very strong and stick to them - which means if you clearly don't want to be with someone who does this and he gets drunk around strippers/prostitutes again, LEAVE. If your views on this were already clear, then leave. Don't cry wolf.

I am not anti-therapy or counseling - all the best athletes in the world have coaches for feedback and improvement so there is nothing wrong with getting coached in anything that you want improved. I am suspicious of many counselors who seem anti-male so as long as you can find someone who is objective (I know, easier said than done) it seems worthwhile to me. Counselors have the benefit of going through these kinds of situations with a large volume of people and have more experience. There may be some RP-style counselors who you can Skype or talk to on the phone if you look on the internet.

There are couples who can move on from infidelity. But in the meantime it makes sense to break down for a while with random anger and tears. I can't imagine anything more hurtful and deeply betraying than infidelity.

What to look for in his behavior? TRUST YOUR GUT. Be 100% honest with yourself and to him about your expectations, regardless of what others say or advise. If you decide to forgive and move forward then be ruthlessly clear about what behaviors you expect to change and then don't let one little thing slide.

shneakypete · 2017-09-26T15:03:44+00:00

Guy here. His job is to be captain and you are his first commander. Sounds to me like the captain is drunk at the helm. While it is good that you are submissive and following his lead, now is the time to scrutinize his leadership to make sure the quality of his leadership is worthy of your devotion.

While I agree that a woman needs to stay attractive, I think it's more than fair to say she's going to change during pregnancy.

This is a low quality move. You need to determine if this man is alpha enough to lead your family. Given this small sample of his actions I would say no.

HB3234 · 2017-09-26T00:43:24+00:00

Oh boy, it takes a special kind to cheat on his pregnant wife. But my advice to you will really be different based on how he has been acting.

How sincere was his apology? Does he understand what caused the cheating and is he willing to be open amd honest with you about why? Will he own his shit and put in the work?

What has he done since he confessed to show sincerity, remorse, and a desire to earn your trust and loyalty?

daisyskirt194 · 2017-09-26T06:23:21+00:00

OP there was a decent stretch of time where your husband had the thought "I am going to lose my wife and unborn child if I go through with this decision" and he went ahead and did it anyway.

That 7 minutes of carnal, low quality sex was worth more to him than staying faithful to you and your unborn child.

Men cheat because they can.

Do with that knowledge what you will.

You will never be happy if you stay.

[deleted] · 2017-09-26T13:14:19+00:00

I would say you can work through cheating based on the circumstance. But the fact that he cheated, but didn't use a condom then promptly had sex with you exposing you and the baby to STDs is unforgivable in my opinion.

It's a complete betrayal of you and your child. How could you ever trust him again?

daisyskirt194 · 2017-09-26T13:18:59+00:00

RPW is a much better community than this- to tell a woman to stay with her cheating husband. This is not about "making it work." This isn't about what house to buy or working on communication skills. He broke the marriage contract by sticking his penis in a stripper when his wife was at home pregnant. That's all there is to it. If he loved her he wouldn't have cheated.

It's actually very simple

OP would betray her own soul and dignity if she stays and will never be happy with this man anymore. The sooner she can accept this and just cut her losses, the sooner she can start truly healing and meeting someone new.

Other posters need to stop trying to encourage her to stay in this poisonous environment just because you're all too afraid of divorce when it's WARRANTED. A RPW wants to work on her marriage when it's assumed that both are in it together. His betrayal is proof he's not in it.

OP is now married to a dead horse.

edmprod113 · 2017-09-26T14:41:49+00:00

Cheating does not have to be a deal-breaker. Don't let anyone try to bully you into thinking that it should be because you are the person who gets to make your own decisions about your life and your relationship.

I have no idea why he did this. I've been a good wife. I maintain my appearance and I've only gained 10lbs. so far during my pregnancy (I'm 26 weeks). I'm kind and attentive to him. I don't nag or criticize him. I honestly have no idea what I did to contribute to his cheating.

Wanting to be accountable for any role you had in things that go wrong is a good thing, but it's not applicable here. There doesn't seem to be any particular reason why he cheated, and there doesn't have to be. If you can understand that it had nothing to do with you (ask him if you need to), then that will go a long way towards helping you to soothe your emotions over this.

I don't want to hold this over his head forever but I don't want to be stupid either. What should I be looking for in his behavior to determine whether or not he's really sorry and has no intention of doing this again?

He told you right away. He wouldn't have told you right away if he wasn't really sorry or that if he had intentions of doing it again.

With that having been said, I think that a good place for you to get some security from this would be to let him know that you will leave him immediately if this ever happens again (if that's what you want), and he must get an STD panel done before he touches you again, however long it takes for you to be comfortable with that. You can also ask that he gives over all passwords and does not put himself in a situation where he'll be tempted to cheat again.

Important Edit: I typed all of the above before looking at the comments. Then I saw that you said this:

We had sex the night he returned and I have a feeling that's part of the reason he told me (because he could have exposed me and the baby to STDs).

This quote of yours changes everything. Excuse my language, but your husband is a sorry sack of shit. He literally could have exposed you and your child to a death sentence, and that's not something that a man does.

And look, I'm going to be completely honest with you here. I am not in a monogamous relationship, I heavily advocate that men consider the option of seeing multiple women, and I am typically the first guy to suggest that a woman tries to patch things up when her SO cheats.

And STILL with all of that having been said, after seeing this particular quote above, I would heavily suggest that you completely ignore everything I posted before my edit and outright leave him immediately after getting evidence in texts or emails that he cheated that you could use in divorce court. I'd strongly suggest hitting him for alimony and child support and go on with your life.

CleburnCO · 2017-09-26T07:06:33+00:00

Feel free not to answer...but cheated how? Like PIV cheated...or got a lap dance cheated?

Either way, that is a horrible thing to have happened to you. Sad that he wouldn't value his relationship more than that.

Best bet IMO is to logically define your desired end state and then figure out what points of performance will get you there.

When that's done, have a frank no BS conversation about it and be willing to walk out.

Good luck.

RubyWooToo · 2017-09-26T17:16:06+00:00

Here's a post from the blog Chump Lady on how to differentiate regret ("I'm sorry I got caught") from remorse ("I'm sorry I've caused you pain because of my actions and I want to redeem myself").

Her blog as whole is very much against reconciliation, but if you choose to stay, this particular post is a helpful guide for assessing whether your relationship can be salvaged.

dashdotdott · 2017-09-27T12:45:52+00:00

Turtles are great

Atomicbebe · 2017-09-26T00:37:10+00:00

The fact that he told you to me says something. I guess if he planned to continue this behaviour he wouldn't have said anything. Does he go out with these guys often?

psychorant · 2017-09-26T06:42:40+00:00

You need to ask yourself an important question: Do you think he will ever do it again?

If yes, I think you need to decide what you can handle as a wife.

If no, then only time will tell whether or not you'll be able to rebuild the trust needed in order to maintain a healthy marriage. It's not impossible to stay together, but it is hard & it requires a certain amount of sacrifice on both ends. You'll feel insecure about yourself and your relationship, and how you handle this shift will decide whether or not the relationship can recover.

rpwtoss · 2017-09-26T13:48:36+00:00

I've read through everyone else's responses to sort of get a feel from where everyone is coming from.

I really feel for you and the situation you've been put in.

My answer depends on so many things- first off, what do your finances and support system look like? Are you in a position where leaving him is a possibility? If not, I'd suggest getting to that place. I'm not necessarily suggesting you leave yet, but you should be in a position where that is a legitimate option for you.

I would be concerned about the friends your husband keeps. He's a grown up, and you can't dictate his friends, but people tend to be influenced by the company they keep, and if he's hanging out with people who across the board felt like cheating on their spouses with prostitutes and strippers was a good idea, I would expect that it's something that may happen again in the future. Especially because, like someone else mentioned, he had plenty of time to think about the fact that it could destroy his relationship with you (and while you are pregnant with his child, no less) and he decided to do it anyway.

I would also be concerned that he: 1. Had unprotected sex with some random, promiscuous woman and then 2. Came home and had unprotected sex with you before you knew he had slept with someone else. Thereby taking away your ability to decide if that was something you were comfortable. To me that's a huge breach of trust.

One thing you may also want to think about is how you'd feel if that was the way your relationship ended up in the future- would you be willing to be in an open relationship?

Someone else mentioned a friend of theirs who cheated on their spouse, where the other spouse then also slept with someone else. I can't figure out how this would actually go about fixing the situation, but for whatever reason, my gut says it actually has the potential to be useful. Not from a "hurt the other person back" perspective, but instead from an equalizing perspective. If done properly I feel like it could absolve the cheater of some of their guilt while at the same time helping the person who was cheated on to feel less anger.

No matter what, the "good" news is that you've got time to think about it. Most likely your state handles divorces while pregnant the same way my state does- you can't get them here.

Waldorfmutti · 2017-09-26T11:04:05+00:00

What leader abandons his men? what leader leaves those he leads? You owe him nothing. I would urge you to be open and honest - he decided t cheat, to blow up his marriage. There is something deeply wrong for him to justify his bad decisions.

Waldorfmutti · 2017-09-26T11:05:51+00:00

Accountability. He needs to be very open and honest now. First step - No contact. Period. He needs to show you that he is still worthy.

[deleted] · 2017-09-26T20:07:40+00:00

Like Jim Carey said "sometimes your body just says I'm tired of being this character you made up"

Listen to your gut and leave his dumbass

vitringur · 2017-09-26T06:23:45+00:00

Don't isolate yourself emotionally. The point of therapy is exactly because you do not want to talk with friends and family. It's also a professional that helps you talk with him and get this out of your system and into the open.

Do it yourself if you can, but it's nothing new that people deny professional help even though they can't do things on their own. Instead you are asking random anonymous people on the internet.

Why are you asking us instead of him?

Also, there is nothing that you did wrong that makes men cheat. New meat is just always exciting. No woman can maintain a man's interest for the amount of time they believe that they can. Men aren't women.

valleycupcake · 2017-09-26T17:08:24+00:00

Mine went to massage parlor a for yank jobs a few times in the span of a few months the year we got married, including once when I was pregnant. He told me a week after I found out I was pregnant with twins. It was a huge betrayal. A year and a half later, we worked through it and are still together and mostly happy, although it did introduce distrust into other aspects of our relationship and our sex life's never fully recovered (but that might be a result of kids, too).

Right after he told me, I asked him to leave to stay with friends. We talked on the phone, but I didn't let him come back for three months. He became suicidal. When he came back, we had counseling and a list of other stipulations for accountability. It's not so RPW to have to comb through your man's credit card statements, but concessions have to be made if he wants to earn back your trust. We are addressing the root causes of what happened and it's working. It takes time, but I'm glad I have my husband and my kids have their father.

On a practical note, I was divorced young before him, and I knew I wasn't going to date anyone of quality as a twice divorced single new mother just past the wall. All things considered, I'm happy with my decision to stay.

jameshergott · 2017-09-26T18:59:51+00:00

Did you ask why he did it?

RoseVanguard · 2017-10-01T19:41:53+00:00

This is.... :( I silently wept in bed reading your post, OP. And I've never been married before. Whatever you choose to do with the relationship, do what's best for the baby and you :)

There are a lot of good advice on here, so I won't say any more than that.

I'd love an update on whether if you choose to keep your man or let him go. :) Just to know that you're doing okay because my heart aches for you.

mrssmithhh · 2017-11-02T20:01:29+00:00

Oh man. How rough. I'm so sorry!

One thought - maybe he is freaking out about being a dad? Not an excuse, just trying to figure out his mindframe. Some guys do really stupid stuff when faced with a huge life change like this.

Also - maybe you should get a counselor for yourself, not to "treat" you or anything, but for an objective, outside third party to help you process emotions. Pregnancy is SUCH an emotional time, and it is hard enough to be objective on something like this. I wouldn't tell family or friends because they will all automatically side with you (with reason), but if his cheating really is JUST a one-time mistake, then they will make it hard for you to see.

So sorry, love. Do whatever you can to get away from the stress. Mother of two here - stress really does make the pregnancy harder. Take care of yourself as much as you can.

girlwithabike · 2017-09-26T03:17:29+00:00

[deleted]

i_love_puppies12 · 2017-09-26T06:08:38+00:00

Cheating is a deal breaker. Even though he told you about it, that's not being honest. He cheated behind your back and the guilt ate away at him and made him feel bad. It appears that he never truly thought of you and your feelings. If the fact that he cheated is eating away at you, it will probably continue that way. You'll never know if he'll cheat again. If I were you, I'd leave and find support elsewhere. Maybe from your family or any friends or relatives because your husband is definitely not there for you if he would cheat on you while you're pregnant.

soundsfromoutside · 2017-09-26T18:00:51+00:00

The fact he came to you and was honest means he does, in fact, feel guilty. I don't know what you two have talked about but you need to be straight with him and tell him your angry and it will take a while to gain that trust back. Even without the crazy pregnancy hormones, that type of betrayal is devastating. Be firm but don't raise your voice.

Hope it all works out for you two.

[deleted] · 2017-09-26T12:27:36+00:00

I want to point out two things. First, you're not actually sure why he told you. You said "I think it was out of guilt" but that tells me he hasn't told you why, and you're projecting your own guilt that you'd feel if you cheated. Maybe he told you for another reason.

Further the whole reason for therapy isn't to change the other person. It's to change you. That doesn't mean change in a bad way, like rationalizing that cheating is tolerable behavior or determining that nothing in life matters and "letting go of anger" bullshit. But it does mean helping you discover exactly why you came here and finding the courage to do what you want to do.

I cheated on my ex. I told her. And I confessed out of feeling like an SOB. But let me remind you that I only kissed another girl. I didn't have sex. And my ex never got upset about her sisters bf when he kissed another girl while dating her sister. She is blue pill.

So maybe I'm dumb but you didn't say what the circumstances were for cheating. Did he fuck somebody else or was it a make out session?

And honey if he's not into therapy then you're not asserting enough or he just doesn't care enough. Maybe he's drunk at the wheel as another suggested, or maybe you made a mistake. Don't just abandon ship without thinking things through, and don't counter cheat and ruin your moral high ground. But you have good grounds for leaving. Especially if he hasn't cried or been real with you, if he just told you callously and expected you to deal with it like it happens and is normal.

azrael319 · 2017-09-26T21:58:48+00:00

You're not suppose to just get over this no matter what anyone says. You are probably hurt and confused as to why he would cheat, correct?? I would say talk it out. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT JUST HOLD IT IN. not only will it fester in your thoughts and heart but it needs to be brought up. Why did he cheat. Could it have been avoided (obviously. But the question is how) and just because he told you what he did doesn't mean he won't do it again. Or that he us guaranteed to cheat again. But you must let him know that it was wrong and just how badly it hurt. This kind of situation is not a forgive and forget situation. But rather a forgive, understand and grow together.

liquidswan · 2017-09-26T07:07:25+00:00

Well, he sounds like he was honest about it. That says a lot. Many men would just never acknowledge what they did.

Relationships take work. It takes sacrifice. You both need to be able to hear the truth and not run away, marriage isn't for you or him, it's for the children.

I say talk to him about it, ask him what he will change to make this not happen again. I wouldn't accept anything less than promising to not attend future bachelor parties and or not getting "drunk and stupid" like he did to get him into this mess.

He obviously made a huge error and broke your mutually agreed to monogamous relationship. However, if he has learned anything from this experience he might be worth keeping around.

If he has learned nothing, then I say let him go. You make the call.

loneliness-inc · 2017-09-26T21:56:27+00:00

I have no idea why he did this.

This is the most important thing to find out.

People cheat for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes it's due to unhappiness in the marriage, sometimes it's simply falling to temptation in a state of drunkenness. If you want to fix this - as it seems you do - you need to get to the bottom of the cause.

I honestly have no idea what I did to contribute to his cheating.

It could have been you, it could have not been you. Only he knows. Did you ask him? Did he answer? Is he afraid of telling the truth?

What should I be looking for in his behavior to determine whether or not he's really sorry and has no intention of doing this again?

It all depends why he did it to begin with.

Men generally have a much higher sex drive and we desire sex more often. Additionally, we desire sex with many women. In other words, cheating is natural for men. This doesn't mean it's right, it does mean that a man has to go against his nature to not cheat if he's given the opportunity to do so.

If he cheated because he was in a compromising situation, he needs to avoid those. If it was due to unhappiness in the marriage, that needs to be addressed.

Much success!

whitelight369 · 2017-10-01T15:33:48+00:00

Sounds like your dating a goat or even pig without a heart. Time for him to learn his lesson the hard way. Abort the child (if possible) and break up with him. If this dude is stubborn enough to avoid counseling when he hangs out with dudes that go to prostitution places and drink too much to let those demons in, than it's up to you if that is what you want to be around. The guy sounds like he is well in a lot of other areas, but sticking your root in another place means your not in his heart, or he is not connected to his heart very well.

Just my 2 cents. I don't mean to be blunt, ít is just the way I am.

Title	My husband cheated and I'm not sure how to handle it.
Author	kamss2230
Upvotes	47
Comments	136
Date	September 26, 2017 12:19 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/72goq5/my_husband_cheated_and_im_not_sure_how_to_handle/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/my-husband-cheated-and-im-not-sure-how-to-handle.73482 https://theredarchive.com/post/73482