“Saying what you want means that you’re aware of your feelings and desires and that you’re willing to honor them. It means that you know that you deserve to have new things and things that you love. It means you don’t have to waste energy thinking about how to get what you want by making it seem like it actually serves some other more “noble purpose. You’re not a martyr, and nobody has to guess what will please you. A woman who knows and respects herself simply says to her husband, “I want.””

— The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide for Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace with a Man by Laura Doyle

I’m reading The Surrendered Wife and really taking many things to heart. But the biggest changes by far have been that I’ve stopped interrupting my husband, telling him what he should do, and asking for (demanding sex). I’ve seen a big change in myself and a little in our marriage (we haven’t argued nearly as much).

But here’s where I’m going with this. Sex. He’s okay with once a week or even twice a month. He will have sex more often but it’s very dispassionate and he will even say, “I guess so” or “if you want”. Is it too much to hope my husband has a passionate sexual desire toward me? And sometimes I don’t climax and he’s done. He’ll offer to do more, but again it’s like, “well would you like to?” Which Is night and day difference from 5 minutes ago where he was take charge and into it.

That then leads me to allowing him to take the led with sex. Would a surrendered wife step back and let her husband be the lead? Is it controlling to expect certain things from sex? How do I deal with the “unfairness” of sex in this case - when he wants to then I need to say yes, but feel my needs aren’t being met (like in the quote above). Do I constantly say “I would love a great orgasm?” Or “I want to be passionately made love to?”

I feel like this is such a struggle for me because everything else relies on me being on my page and letting him be on his page- but sex is an intermingling of the two pages, right? Ugh. Any insight is welcome.