This is a long post so be prepared to do some reading.

A TL;DR is at the bottom.

Pretext About our Relationship.

  • I am 23 and he is 20
  • We have been dating for almost two years now
  • I moved in with him after six months (had an emergency situation where I no longer had any housing and he offered, but I also wanted to because I really like him.)
  • We have great sex now

Previously before moving in we were amazing together, had sex constantly whenever we did see each other (about four times a week). We were into similar subjects, gaming, going to school, both somewhat conservative, both like to experiment with drugs (mostly mushrooms and the like) etc. As well as each of us being into subjects that the other hadn't explored yet, but could explore together with each other. Borderline perfect, soul-mate territory, I felt as if I were in a fairy tale...

Pretext About the Situation and Problem #1

That being said, about a month after moving in my friends convinced me to buy this game and start hanging out online with them. It was fun, very social, and a giant time sink but also had the potential to make money from it. That is another post all together. I remember it was December when I moved in and my boyfriend suffers from the "Winter Blues". Basically depression during the winter. Anyhow, I am a very upbeat and positive person and rarely ever do I slip into a dark place similar to depression. So when he had fallen into this cycle (he claims it happens every year), I didn't know how to help or cope with it.

So instead I neglected him by turning to the game that my friends all played. I ignored the situation and instead gave my attention to my friends when he needed me. Things got worse, he started going out with his friends more, we stopped having sex, he started buying drugs and using them consistently, even making a schedule of what he would do that coincided with my schedule. He started sleeping more became unfriendly to be around, and even started being what I had felt at the time clingy (he wasn't being clingy at all but I had grown an addiction to the game and my friends playing it).

Looking back at it now I realize that it was a downward spiral for attention from me, caused by my neglect again when he needed me. I had thought these were normal behaviors from him and that this was just his schedule when he was home before I moved in with him. This happened for five months, at the end of May he blew up at me and threatened to leave me. That's when things got better, I stopped playing the game and spent more time with him. We started having sex again and just enjoying each others company, we were talking on another level not experienced before.

Problem #1

During these months I had figured out how to manipulate the men in the gaming community. I had lost attraction for my boyfriend and had started seeking validation online. I had even gone as far as lust after one of the men I was trying to manipulate. We swapped nudes and would talk all night with each other. My boyfriend and I had alternating schedules, where he would be working when I had off and vice versa. I suppose this counts as emotional cheating, he had even offered to fly me up to his place and take me from my boyfriend. I would blow this off as I had just planned to use the guy for my game, and since I was still using him I didn't want any confrontation so I ignored the problem, once again.

It wasn't until the guy had overheard me telling my boyfriend I loved him that I had stopped emotionally cheating. It started off as him ghosting me, with me never trying to contact him back and eventually we ghosted each other. One night he tried to contact me again and that is when I told him it was over and I wasn't interested, that I was staying with my boyfriend.

Shortly after this time was when my boyfriend blew up at me and threw the ultimatum. However.........

My boyfriend knew none of this. I had never intended on letting him know either, I figured that I had taken care of the problem and that I wasn't going to let myself do this again and that was that, problem solved. I once vaguely told him about it as he had asked about him, I simply said "he tried to get me to leave you, so I stopped talking to him", and that satisfied my boyfriend. What I didn't tell him was that I was entertaining the idea and had decided against it, that I had loved my boyfriend. But I thought to myself, I had made my decision and that there was no point starting something over a problem I had already fixed. That I didn't want to start drama and hurt my boyfriend for no reason.

Instance #2

November of that same year my friend came back and asked me to play with him once again. My boyfriend and I had grown as a couple and were doing great. I was trying to be the girlfriend that he deserves. Out of respect for him I asked if that would be okay, since I still like the game a lot and I wanted to play with my friend. My bf allowed it, he even went as far to help me manipulate one of the guys on the game....

Unfortunately I took it too far and once again stepped into bad habits. Only I made sure to never neglect my bf again, I thought I had gotten better and was improving. I had gotten flirty once again with the men in the game, allowing to get myself further through flirting. I never sent anymore nudes, but if they insistent enough I would go to backpage ( a known site for prostitutes) and steal their pictures and send them in place of myself. That way the men on the game would assume that was me and I could send multiple of the same girl but still keep my cover.

I realized that I was falling into bad habits and that once again I was becoming addicted. I spoke out to my friend in order to get help, but instead they encouraged me negatively. In my mind, I was slowly turning my SO out to be the bad guy (when I knew very well he wasn't in order to justify my gaming addiction). But instead of helping me break from my bad habits, my friend only encouraged me to misbehave more and to disregard my SO completely.

This lasted from late November to early January. About 2 maybe 3 months.

To be honest I am not exactly sure why I did it. I had a great relationship with the man I love, I had no reason to act that way. It may have been for money, for attention, or that I liked to flirt, to get ahead in a game that doesn't matter, none of that makes it okay and I understand that.

I had decided to tone it down and not make the stupid mistake that I had previously in the year. One day while in a group chat, consisting of my friend and I, someone popped in and started talking to us. All good no harm no foul, he was somewhat interesting and was telling us about his new baby and the experiences he had with his girlfriend while on shrooms, these were sexual experiences. This peaked my interest, even though my SO and I have tripped together multiple times we had never once had a sexual experience while tripping. He spoke so highly of it that I wanted to try out a few tactics with my SO in order to spice things up and maybe do something nice for him. So I asked him to divulge some details and I let him know my opinion on it.

Things like bondage and how they got their foreplay going and etc, things I probably didn't need to know. I suppose this did something for the other guy because afterwords he got sexual with me through text. I didn't exactly encourage it but I most definitely didn't deflect or discourage him from the compliments and expressing some details about my SO and I. This is where I faulted, I know it, I should have told him that he was over reaching and passing boundaries that he shouldn't have. I figured that once he found out I was with someone the messages would simmer down or even stop. But they didn't and I did nothing further to stop them, instead they got increasingly more sexual and I didn't dissuade him. Even though I wasn't outright encouraging him, the fact that I didn't stop him was encouraging enough.

The first message that my SO saw was how he wanted to, "Wrap my legs around his face and wear them like earmuffs."

The Reveal

My SO found out on January 16, while trying to help me sign up for classes for the upcoming semester. I went to use the restroom and while I was there a private message come up on the screen. I remember hearing him run up the stairs and slam open the door to the restroom while I was trying to take a shit. He demanded an explanation, one that I didn't have. And when I had finished we went through all the conversations I had ever had on discord. He even went through my Facebook messages. He found out everything, the multiple conversations between multiple men to get myself ahead in a game and score some cash.

Even though I was manipulating all of them (except for the very first one), I realize that coming from the first message he saw it would all seem harsher than it was. I don't deny that it is all bad and a shitty thing to do to my SO. I know I don't deserve a second chance, and I know that I am a complete piece of shit for what I did to him.

I also understand the anger and complete hatred he held for me in that first month, and probably still holds some to this day. Those first couple of days was all fighting, well him yelling at me as I didn't fight it back. The threats and the mind games he loves to play on me, the silence I got from him sometimes, sleeping on the couch, and coming home to someone angry and hateful, the phone calls when he would get drunk and scream at me, not knowing who I was coming back to (my loving honey or the man who hates me). He would flip everyday and every hour of the day. I deserved all of this and allowed it to happen, its what I get for what I have done to him.

Reconcile

He decided to take me back, to give me another chance although I most likely don't deserve it. Its been hard, we fight all the time, he throws jabs (figuratively) at me constantly, he even threatens with revenge cheating. He no longer trusts me and questions everything I do, whenever I mention my friend it turns into an argument. All of his memories of us are tainted in a negative light. He questions all of my motives and no longer wants to jump head first into marriage with me. He has let me know that he is keeping me around for college so we may help each other out and hopefully fix this and if we can't then he will drop me after college.

Revenge Cheating

He also makes it abundantly clear his revenge fantasies and how I gave him a "Get out of Jail Free" card. That he believe he can use at anytime anywhere to cheat on me. That he would be spiteful enough to cheat on me, even years down the road, even if we were married, and wouldn't feel a sliver of guilt from it. He loves to mind game me and does it often sometimes unintentionally. He is an alpha red pill male who will be going into a fraternity once we hit university next year. He plays on the Greek system and the fact that he will be 21 this year going bar hopping with his bros. to toy with my mind. He even says that he may not even tell me if he cheats since I was deceitful and would be my just desserts in return. I didn't agree with this, I didn't offer it, he doesn't care. He says he feels the need to get me back harder and hurt me worse than he feels. He justifies it by saying that he is only putting me in the place I put him, and he will truly know if I care if I give him another chance, just like he had to do to me.

This. Really. Fucks. Me. Up. Even if it is what I deserve.

My Emotional State

At first I was in a state of shock, and didn't really take it all in or process it. As time passes I feel worse and worse, even if he is being nice and trying to work things out with me. When he settled on his revenge cheating I broke. I am slowly losing my hold of my emotions. I have started crying at work, in front of my co workers, when we go to bed, sometimes in the car on the way home. It happens unprovoked, or sometimes its when I detect a slight twinge in his tone I automatically assume its going to be a bad day with him and my emotions spiral out of control.

Good news?

Its not always bad, our relationship has even improved and I believe maybe even better. Our relationship has become a roller coaster, our highs are great, better than they ever were, but so are our lows. The fights have gotten better and more constructive, he no longer yells or calls me a whore. He is capable of affection again, and our communication as a whole as grown, we even hang out more. I realize that I actually do like to hang out with him and thoroughly enjoy his company. We are becoming best friends, not just relationship status. The fights are becoming fewer and farther in between, but they still do happen and I still do not know what to do to help him.

TL;DR

I emotionally cheated on the love of my life. We have decided to stay together and work things out, it has been three months and things have gotten better. However, we get slip ups and fall back into fights every now and again. Progress has been made, the fights are fewer and farther in between but they still happen. How do I do my part in this healing process when I am the enemy to him?

Some photos of the conversations held with my friend.

My SO wanted me to post some of the conversations he found so that you can understand the scope of my actions. The pink boxes are my text, the blue are my friends, and the red outlines is what offended my SO the most. BTW we both sat down and edited these together.

Discord conversation my boyfriend stumbled across between me and my best friend. It's the same friend who convinced me to buy the game. This isn't the only conversation my boyfriend stumbled across. But is the only one I will post here.

EDIT 1

Steps I have taken since then

  1. I have deleted the game
  2. I deleted and blocked anyone dealing with this game
  3. I have deleted snapchat
  4. I have been open and let my SO look at anything and everything I have
  5. We have had open communication, with literally everything
  6. Whenever I am contacted by men, online or IRL, he always knows right away
  7. I tell him and ask him about plans that may occur beforehand. I always ask again when the time arrives.
  8. I always try to be nice and pleasant to be around even if I am going through hard moments.
  9. I have purposefully spent more time offline
  10. We involve each other and interact with each other when we are online, either watching each other or playing with each other when playing video games.
  11. If prompted I talk and go back over old events, even if it hurts me.
  12. We talk about the issues on the regular.

This happened two months ago, and have already started the healing process.

We are both looking for advice on how to move forward and regain trust again.