Is there any hope for a single mother?

organicsunshine · 2018-07-31T12:31:25+00:00

The answer is an emphatic YES. Avoid the cock carousel, form a healthy social circle or join a mommy group for support and stay focused and open to love. I come from the point of view of your child, similar situation. My mom remarried when I was very young and they are still together, had more kids. Wonderful marriage. Hold out for the best and focus on being a wonderdul mother and kind person. Do not compare yourself to the stereotypical "single mom" who demonstrates irresponsibility. Wish you luck.

LateralThinker13 · 2018-07-31T14:12:02+00:00

When dating, you may want to keep one thing in mind:

You are not a single mother.

You are a widow with a child. (You have my condolences.)

Same thing, you ask? Not at all. Single mothers are the idiots who think getting pregnant with no commitment or guarantee of support for that child is a good thing.

A widow doesn't choose to be the only person raising a child. Her mate/partner/husband DIED.

It makes ALL the difference. When putting yourself out there, don't call yourself a single mother. Call yourself a widow. And think of yourself that way, too; it's healthier. You didn't make a bad call, so don't use the label (single mother) that tells others you did.

Men will respect you a lot more when you do.

CalvinRichland · 2018-07-31T15:47:00+00:00

I think there's absolutely hope so long as you have reasonable standards.

You're 27 with a 3-year-old. I think there are plenty of 30-somethings out there who might be divorced and have a kid of their own. Once you get above 35, I'd even say that's the majority of single guys.

Some men may screen out single moms because they don't want to raise a child of someone else's DNA. But I think most choose to exclude women with children because they don't want to get caught up in baby daddy drama. They may also think she is probably not a good partner because she exercises poor judgment. I wouldn't say you fit those two last categories. Yeah, you chose a guy with mental health issues but that's not the same thing as being a bad partner (as may be the case with a divorce).

In sum, you're at a disadvantage compared to the average single woman, but I think quite a bit ahead of the other single moms.

19_LadyScarlet_90 · 2018-07-31T14:41:00+00:00

Idk how big of an issue this is, as you don't really sound like that type of women, but don't do the creepy mom obsessed with her kids thing. Love your son, cherish him, & raise him right, but don't get weird about it. Idk about the rest of you, but those moms that run around in those shirts saying "mama bear", "I'll hurt you if you mess with my kids", or "mama shark" (what?) make a woman seem a bit unhinged. Like, I'm a woman & those ladies make me wanna run away, because they're always posting 1000 pics a day of their kids & saying that their kids are so beautiful they could stare at them all day (again, what? ). Although I will admit, I am a sucker for cute, sweet/well-mannered little boys and hubby & are considering a baby soon.

Those type of women that put their children on pedestals are, I think, often downplaying the role of their husbands in their marriages, and an increasing number of them will reply "the children!" when asked who the most important people in their family are.

Your son is important- he's your little guy, after all! But a quality man will want to know that, if he were to marry you, he will be the head of the household & that you will trust him to make decisions for you & your son. I know that may sound harsh, but quality men need to know that you will not put your son over them should you marry. This is exactly why my husband didn't date women with kids: he didn't want to play 2nd fiddle to another man's child.

Show those men that you're doing your best to raise your son, that you are not creepily obsessed with him and that you will respect their leadership, & you'll increase your odds. I agree with the other posters on this thread: since you're not a divorcee or someone with a baby daddy & are basically a widow, your odds are already better than some of the other women with children in the dating pool. I also agree that your high value man might be a little older, chubbier or losing some hair, but that's ok. :)

Also, I'm sorry if I offended any mama bears & sharks out there.... some of Y'all just get a little scary sometimes lol. While hubby & I don't yet have children of our own, this advice is drawn from observations both he & I have made about women we know.

HardTruths83 · 2018-07-31T15:23:08+00:00

Red-pilled, single, HRV, 34/M here (an appropriate time to use my gender as a qualifier, IMO).

My opinion is YES. I'm currently girlfriend/LTR shopping and I would totally consider a woman with your resume'. Now, if it was 2+ kids, no, but that is just me. Keep your chin up, don't be afraid to approach a man you find attractive and initiate a conversation. We don't reject that like many women do.

Good luck and happy hunting.

riseoftherice · 2018-07-31T12:41:27+00:00

You're 27 with a three year old toddler looking for a traditional man. It wouldn't be easy to find one only because of how desperate most 27 yo are to marry (at least where I live, I think it is around thirty for most anyway).

The reason you're a single mother isn't because of bad decisions or wild lifestyle, it is very important to tell that to potential partners, dating a promiscuous (read: careless) woman is very different than a wife who lost her husband. This is the main reason as to why you have much better chances.

I assume you'd date older men like you have before, great because young men who are both traditional and willing to raise a child that isn't theirs are more rare than unicorns. I think you might have better chances dating a person who also has a child of his own, especially because children can be loud and exhausting. Kids aren't easy even when they're complete angels.

Your ability to support yourself also helps a bit for better portrayal of your situation. You're not looking for someone to fund you and your son or the god-awful pregnancy and child support paycheck some do.

loneliness-inc · 2018-07-31T13:15:02+00:00

Can you find the type of man you're looking for? Sure you can, but it'll be a lot more difficult to do so.

When you're a single mother - no matter how you got there - your SMV and RMV are already drastically less than a woman who's single and not a mother. Cruel reality but it's reality nonetheless.

However, the circumstances surrounding your single motherhood do matter. A cc rider who has 3 kids from 3 different men and was never in a relationship with any of them isn't the same as someone who had a child in a LTR and the father of the child killed himself. Similar to how a widow has higher SMV and much higher RMV than a divorcee. Your situation is similar to a widow in this sense. However, a widow will never have the value of a virgin. You need to accept that.

Many men won't bother dating you at all. That's their prerogative. From those who will, you need to try and score the highest value man that you could. It will be more difficult, you need to be ready for that.

Many people will jump to soothe your fears and reassure you that you're just as valuable to men even with a child, but this is simply not the case. TRP is about understanding the truth about male and female nature and this is thee truth. Work within it.

Kara__El · 2018-07-31T13:53:24+00:00

> I just feel now that I am depriving him of a strong, supportive father figure and positive male influence.

Good! You're right. He does need a strong, supportive father figure.

> My problem is that ideally I would like a traditional man in my life, the type of man who probably wouldn't want to date a single mother and have any part in raising another mans child, even if that man is long gone.

I think this is partly dependent on where you live. My husband told me that by the time he met me, at 30, most women he met had children. While I doubt he'd have actually been capable of dating a woman with a kid (that man is way too opinionated for that to have worked), he was willing to give it a go, because of the lack of other options. He also mentioned that it was more appealing, the younger the child was and the more absent the father was, because it meant less drama.

You need to make sure you have realistic expectations, if you want to marry a man who will love your child. One of the primary things to remember, that I think many women in your situation struggle with, is that just because you can get a man who looks like Thor to have sex with you, that does not mean you can get him to stay for breakfast with you and your kid. You need to really and truly understand your SMV vs. your RMV here, because confusing the two can waste years. The man you marry will likely not be traditionally attractive (maybe a little shorter, chubbier, losing his hair), in part because he'll be older. He'll have some of his own baggage, like children of his own and some baby mama drama. He won't want to play second fiddle to your kid, either and he'll likely want a part in how he's raised. No decent man is going to want to be the cardboard cutout in your Instagram and Facebook photos. He'll want to be able to voice real opinions and make real decisions and you'll need to be ready to relinquish some control.

Personally, I feel that if you can get your expectations where they need to be, you can have what you want, but it's going to take work (he's not going to knock on your door), communication (if he says he doesn't want kids or marriage, listen and move on) and compromise.

FleetingWish · 2018-07-31T17:42:25+00:00

It's harder because you are competing with women who do not have kids. However it does make a difference that your husband died, rather than the fact that you left him. Men will look at you more favorably because of that.

The key thing to remember while dating as a single mom is that men do not want to feel like they are in 2nd place to your kid. Use that and other red pill principles when dating.

J_St0rm · 2018-07-31T20:17:58+00:00

So I was just perusing to get a feel for how the "other side" thinks since the subs I generally view / participate in seem to have become ever more hateful and thought I'd comment on this (if no one minds that is).

This is pretty much the exact same question posed by the single fathers I know so I'd say that yes, there is hope for "single mothers" like yourself. On top of that, as others have pointed out, you aren't actually a single mother, you're a widow with a child which is different. One of the huge negatives to dating a single mother in my experience is the drama with their ex but you're someone who had a child whilst in a loving relationship and, through circumstances out of your control, lost her partner. The entire situation is different on almost every level.

You're son should obviously be the priority over dating but if you're willing to show (not just say) that you can make time for someone else in your (and eventually both of your) lives then there is most definitely someone out there for you.

I have an unrelated question if you don't mind? How does one do a complete 180 on core values like that?

darla10 · 2018-07-31T20:54:11+00:00

You aren’t a single mother. You’re a widow. Men will judge you differently. You may even trigger the ‘rescuer’ reaction. Don’t worry.

CalvinRichland · 2018-07-31T15:38:58+00:00

Are you willing to date men with all the qualities you want but 50% of the looks? The reality is that is your best bet.

cherryhearts · 2018-07-31T19:12:09+00:00

Look, there are SO MANY men out there, you'll find yours.

My bestfriend had 2 children out of wedlock. The first when she was 16, and the second was an 'I didn't know I was pregnant' situation with her ex.

Her husband is a stand up man, it worked out because he can't actually have kids of his own so he loves those two to death and adopted them officially. She was really worried about scaring him off at first, but men with character would be respectful towards you whether they're game or not.

You never know who's out there until you start looking. You'll find a guy!

LawyerInTheMaking · 2018-07-31T13:12:15+00:00

Your independence isn’t the big issue when it comes to finding a traditional man, it’s the fact that you are a single mother that will provide the biggest obstacle. Keep in mind though that even among single mothers there are levels to it. There is a difference between you being a single mother because the boys father wasn’t shit and you being a single mother because the boys father passed away.

imanewwoman · 2018-08-01T08:45:10+00:00

Yes. I have a friend who's 27, is still married to the father of her 4 year old daughter , who lives in a different continent. They haven't even started the divorce.

She is probably a 6, somewhat frumpy, her family background is terrible, has a past of riding the cc, drugs and partying... She's cleaned up, and she's very smart, funny and likeable.

Anyway, she's dating AMAZING single, childless man, a solid 9, who's definitely a good person and leader. He'a got a lot of options (i know because of friends), he's successful, rich, and has a close and strong family. Quite a catch.

He knows her background, and he chose her for a serious relationship.

This case would probably be an exception. I don't know, sometimes life's random. I don't mean to tell you that you get your expectations that high, but don't be discouraged either.

Just work on being the best version of yourself and maximizing your opportunities.

WonderfulandValuable · 2018-08-01T10:39:13+00:00

I am depriving him of a strong, supportive father figure and positive male influence.

Do you have brothers or uncles or good friends? I think the proverb: It takes a village to raise a child is true. Especially for boys.

[deleted] · 2018-08-01T13:02:05+00:00

I think what's more important to focus on is this: Life is going to throw situations at you where it seems like the whole world is against you, and these will be the greatest opportunities for personal growth that you will ever have. What looks like an obstacle blocking you from happiness is actually an arrow pointing in a direction you haven't looked before. You might find someone, you might not, but what stops the cynic redirects the optimist. The red pill, in the original sense of understanding gender, is still an obstacle for most people who uncover it. The next level is to treat this obstacle as a giant pointer, and keep moving forward.

[deleted] · 2018-08-03T13:02:16+00:00

I don’t mean to be insensitive or judgmental, I’d just like to be honest for the sake of everyone learning from others mistakes.

A few have said she’s not a single mother and is a widow, and its not her fault her partner died.

But he didn’t just die, he took his own life.

She is responsible for her choice of partner - she choose a mentally unstable man to be the father of her child.

His mental stability was so bad that he took his own life: does this suggest that she made a poor choice and has bad judgement?

Surely this will come across as a red flag to most men that could be potential partner and will be held against her.

No offence meant, but if she had been conscious enough to vet her partner and not choose someone who is mentally unstable to be the father of her child she would not be in this predicament.

Elumamai · 2018-08-04T14:14:09+00:00

An upside of you having a kid, already? Your fertility is tried and true. So, if a man wants more kids, and they know you're open to having more, then that may be a good thing... along with the whole "No dad in the picture." That's something women who are already mothers have over virgins... you never know when one's fertility-defective until you break it open. /bad humor

That said, I genuinely believe there's someone out there for everyone. So, yeah, to the right guy for you? I don't think having a kid will be a problem.

[deleted] · 2018-07-31T17:23:33+00:00

There is hope but having a kid will eliminate a big portion of the dating pool. I have two children from my first marriage. My current fiance spent a good chunk of time only seeing me as a plate because I had kids from a previous relationship and was divorced. He is childfree and never been married, traditional and successful in all the desirable ways, and once he decided to commit has been the most amazing partner. He is objectively less attractive than me, but still not too hard on the eyes and is able to give me the tingles in the right places because he is so good in bed. The reality I came to understand in the dating world was that my position did limit some options and to get to keep a man with higher value than myself in most ways I had to be open to a wider spectrum of physical appearances. Of men who expressed interest in me over the years and had some chance of consideration, I seemed to attract either hot guys with poor to mediocre success levels in life or average to low average looking guys with more career success and better CVs. I chose the latter. You may find that your options are different because there are things in your situation that are different...only one kid, own your own home, etc...but as others said they will still likely be different than a woman who is single without a child. It's not hopeless at all. My relationship now is amazing and we are really happy together. You just need to keep a realistic perspective on prospects.

Title	Is there any hope for a single mother?
Author	littleriverhouse
Upvotes	43
Comments	69
Date	July 31, 2018 12:07 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/93dwh1/is_there_any_hope_for_a_single_mother/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/is-there-any-hope-for-a-single-mother.74981 https://theredarchive.com/post/74981