TL;DR: Typical basic beta bluepill loser trying to become better. I get the basic mundane details like work out and make money, but struggling with loneliness and psychological type challenges in life with no friends and in a culture that hates me for my nature (being male) and being what they made me in the first place (beta bluepill). And I just don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff.

Sorry if my thoughts or my format is a mess. I've read some of the sidebar (haven’t gotten through things like reading every book recommendation but I’ve read all the basics at the least) and I've been reading redpill posts for awhile now. I will try to gloss over unimportant details in my story because in a lot of ways my story is pretty basic. Guy grows up in western culture which brainwashes him to be a beta loser. Male mind is difficult to enslave and even with all this bullshit set up against him he still struggles for the truth. And so on.

I am a 23 yo male Austarlian lebo wog living in Australia all my life. In a lot of ways, I lived the life of a typical male nerd/loser. I've had my ups and downs in recent years, I'm not a neckbeard living in my mother's basement, but not being a shitstain doesn't really make me feel much better about being a loser. Someone else getting 10% in an exam doesn't make me feel better about me failing with a 35% or whatever. I don't like a lot about myself and I want to become a better man. I'll get into some of the details maybe later, but for 90% of the discussion I will try to resist the urge to write walls of text with my personal bio. There is an ocean of beta brainwashed losers and I am just a drop in it. You probably already know my story.

I am currently at the stage of the journey that needs self-improvement. I know you guys like to call it monk mode. I'm eating healthy, I'm working out, I just graduated university, I'm trying to get my career started, I am planning on joining some kind of outdoors club and learning to hunt, I am trying to foster good relationships (especially with positive quality males), I am cutting out anyone toxic from my life (not necessarily aggressively, but if my fat loser friends ask me to raid with them I tell them I went outside and since they never go outside we never see each other anymore [did we ever even see each other that much IRL anyway?] They aren't malicious people, but they are deeply flawed fat losers and I don't want to be a loser anymore).

Tbh, this part is hard because I didn't/don't have a lot of friends.

I find it hard not to feel lost and alone a lot of the time. It's like... I understand these stoic things as intellectual abstracts, but struggle with sadness and frustration when actually trying to apply it to my life.

Now, let's get to the main point. I was just reading another thread called "why_text_game_is_fucking_useless" and I realized one of my major flaws was that I am a chronic fucking liar. I mean, I lie to myself even. Just typical male stuff. Lying about my sex and gfs and stuff. Lying about how much I really fail and how much I really need to work to become the man I want to be. I think the reason this kind of struck me as an epiphany was I even feel the urge to lie online with I am totally anonymous or just with some wanky internet alias. Like as if I need skankhuntz88 to be Chad Thudercock II.

The real absolute truth is I have had sex exactly one time and it was with a prostitute a few years ago. It was an experience that I keep a secret in my life because of the stigma, but it was actually very nice and probably the only sexual experience* I ever had with a woman where I felt safe and happy. I mean, I was nervous about some stuff and worried and cautious, but she was very nice and the real straightforward truth of it was comforting. I felt like I understood everything, even the dangers involved (like getting STDs [I didn't] or legality [it's legal here]).

*As in, making out, touching boobs, etc. Sexual stuff but not penetration. I didn’t get nowhere in life but I didn’t get very far either.

I've had a few other chances at sex, but I fled from them in fear. Pretty much hysterical fear. I was dating a girl for a couple of weeks in my first year of uni when she asked me to come up to her apartment for coffee at the end of the night (which I understood to mean sex) and instead I ran away** and never called her again. I don’t think I have any other such egregious examples, but my own fear definitely holds me back as much as my less than stellar skills, appearance, persona, or whatever.

**I didn’t literally run away. I just declined and said goodnight.

And continuing in the vein of honesty, I still fear today. I am afraid of the gun pointed at my head in the form of false allegations and restraining orders and losing my job and so on and so on if a woman ever decides she wants to fuck with me for whatever reason. Even if I could, I don’t want to date girls from work, the gym, or university (I still study part time).

And I am not at all the super confident sexy alpha guy that girls are less likely to fuck over. I am exactly nervous and diffident and struggling-not-to-be-beta which makes girls think “ew creepy, must destroy.”

I don't really consider myself an MRA, but I read some mensrights news stuff. I consider myself aware of how misandrist our culture is. I don't consider myself a redpiller either. Like, not in the meaning of this sub. I don't have anything against you guys. I don't think "god I fucking hate these pussy slaying chad dickheads!" It's just something I can't/don't do and even with having read what I've read, I don't think I entirely understand it. I don't think I understand people and life as well as maybe I sometimes arrogantly think I do.

Maybe at this point you are wondering why I am posting here. I guess it’s because I am looking for the brutal truth and some alpha male input. I have seen other threads like this in a variety of places and I am looking for meaningful commentary. I don’t want to “believe in myself” or anything else which basically means be more of a beta loser. Maybe to someone with poor reading comprehension this place can seem like a sub based on nothing but chasing pussy, but I feel like I’ve read a lot about being a real man, as in a champion who wins and dominates. And I want to fucking win. I don’t want to be such a loser anymore.

I struggle with a lot of thinking in life. Intellectual problems I guess. My family was ruined and broken by divorce when I was a kid. Another typical story. I know in my heart what I want is love and family. I want to raise children and give them a good life, give them the childhood I didn’t have. I feel like I spent my entire adult life fixing the retard my childhood made me into. I feel like I am still doing that.

To my father, giving to his children what he didn’t have meant having stuff. He grew up poor in Lebanon. He worked hard, went to university (while paying for it from his own work), immigrated, and gave me this life. I love him and I thank him for it, but my life has taught me there is more to it than not starving. I kind of hate that whole “what about the starving kids in Africa?” mentality. I hate when people try to give me “perspective” by telling me about problems that I didn’t cause, I cannot help, and which are in no way related to me. Great, so I am not hungry. Fucking fantastic. What good does that do me if I blow out my brains because I hate my life so much? Thankfully, I am not going to do that, but I completely understand the path that so many men spiral down because of the sadness and frustration of this life. And I guess one of those is a lot of time spent thinking about how I can protect my children from that… I mean, I basically have to protect my family from the government and my own wife…

But I am getting ahead of myself. I can hardly get a date. Never mind a wife. Also, I know this sub advocates not getting married. I get it. I will never get legally married. But I want kids which means an LTR with a woman.

Well, not necessarily. That autistic part of my brain is like “not if you learn some hella player game and go around impregnating sluts and having tons of bastards and then just leaving the country (once you have enough kids) to avoid child support or something…”

But who I am can’t handle that. I can think of the hypothetical scenario, but I can’t live that life. I don’t just want my children to exist. I want to guide and protect them.

Sorry, getting ahead of myself again. Look, if I want to even be able to contend with those problems as more than mental exercises than I need to fix who I am now and work hard long term, right? I think I have the mundane details down. What I am struggling with is the loneliness. I don’t have anyone to talk to. Or at least nobody who I can talk to in the way I want to talk. Like I said, I don’t want to hear “believe in yourself” and other garbage which is what most people say IRL. I love my dad, but I don’t want to talk to him either. He is a great guy but even after being fucked by divorce rape and all that shit he is still basically a liberal/communist. I was trying to talk to him about his marriage (his 2nd marriage is with a bitch almost exactly like my mother but slightly less bad) and he came out with adding up the incomes of a maid, a cook, a secretary, etc. at one point after being able to say basically nothing good about it (because she is a total bitch) except that he has been married to her for 10 years (i.e. sunk cost) and he didn’t really say it but of course that he’d be lonely without her.

So, yeah, I mean, I don’t see myself getting great advice in that regard. I hate to talk shit about him because his blood, sweat, and tears gave my life and my education, but there is a lot of shit (i.e. my childhood) that basically made me into a retard beta loser too which I see as something I want to prevent when I parent my own children.

Okay, so, for example, recently there has been something on my mind that I have no one to talk about it with. Like the typical basic beta bitch that I am I have some oneitis chick from my high school (let’s just called her Rachel). I liked her, she was super hot and nice, but of course I was a beta pussy and we just became friends. We continued to be friends for years. I pined over her, I weakly expressed my sexual interest only to be rebuffed like once a year for 3 years I think. This was when I was like 17-20 I wanna say because it was when we first met. These were some of my worst years. I was fat, I was a loser, I had almost no friends. I forgot to mention that I moved from Perth to Melbourne so I didn’t have any childhood friends (even though honestly all I had for friends was other nerds). She was my only friend in high school but she had a lot of friends. She was basically my only friend for a long time after high school too.

This has been a long journey. It didn’t suddenly strike me in an epiphany how to be the best man ever. I came to it progressively over the years. And I am still learning, of course. Part of me always knew it was unhealthy to obsess over one pretty girl, but yeah. I don’t remember exactly when, but over the years I started trying to better myself and trying to be less of a loser. I still have a long way to go, but I got some stuff right. I lift weights, but my motivation has been staggered. It’s the psychological that I feel is my real challenge atm. Yeah, I know, there is no such thing as motivation. There is only discipline! Just do it! But like… come on, if I wanna kill myself because of how shit I feel then that ain’t happening. I think I need to understand it, break it down, analyse it, figure out why it’s stupid, figure out what is right, and then tackle it like a man. Part of being masculine is being smart and logical. Being a lumbering troglodyte is what feminist libtards think masculinity is. It’s not what masculinity really is.

Anyway, yeah, so, I stopped seeing Rachel ages ago. In high school and for a couple of years after that I was always trying to see her as if I could fucking convince her to love me or some shit. Basic blue pill shit.

Eventually, around 20-21 I figured out that was dumb, even though I would relapse a few times and see her again. I still do see her very irregularly, but I try to resist the urge to contact her specifically, to devote attention to her specifically, etc. Basically to obsess over her. I still see her because she is in the wider circle of people I know atm and I just try to be social a little bit, but I almost never see her on purpose.

But what bugs me is that recently she contacted me. It was just a text with like, “Hey. I miss you. How are you?” I feel like I was curt with her. I couldn’t bring myself to ignore her, but I just answered her curtly (Just said “I’m fine. What’s up?”) and totally ignored the words “I miss you”. That part just made my head explode and I figured it probably means nothing but my faggot brain will go crazy with it. Maybe I should have just ignored her, but instead we hanged out with some other friends and then she and I had dinner alone afterwards. I feel like I was really cold with her that day. Towards the end she said, “I really had a good time. Did you?” and I basically said, “Sure, whatever.” It seemed like that made her sad.

There isn’t really anymore to this story. I haven’t seen her since then which was a few weeks ago. I haven’t contacted her and she has only contacted me by inviting me to a gig for her band which she invites all her friends to (she plays guitar for a band). I was thinking about going with a mate of mine since it’s actually pretty fun and it will be easy to avoid her as she will be busy with the band. I went once to a different one and other than a hello I didn’t talk to her. I actually ended up meeting some other girl who was pretty cool, but I didn’t manage to close it.

I guess I want to talk about it because there is still that beta pussy part of me, the weakest and most pathetic part of me I think, that wants me to pursue Rachel.

It’s trying to come up with rationalizations. It’s playing devil’s advocate. It’s like, “Maybe she just misses her friend? : ((((“ “Maybe she was never the problem. Maybe you are the asshole!” etc. etc.

But the thing is I never said she was a bitch. She is a totally fine and nice person. All she did was not like me as much as I liked her. She never liked me sexually. That’s fine. That’s her right. I am not angry about that. I am just frustrated to be with her when I can’t have what I want. I am not angry at her. I am angry at myself. I am angry at myself for wasting my time. I am angry at my impulses and dumbass desires. I am angry at my own weakness and patheticness. I am not obligated to give her my friendship if that is painful and/or unhealthy for me!!!

I did the right thing because it is unhealthy for me to pursue her or behave like that with any girl. I swear in high school I had a different oneitis girl every year after puberty, but Rachel was like my… I don’t know what to call it. It’s like, I got over each one by replacing them with the new one. Around Rachel time I had learned not to obsess over any new girls and I haven’t gotten all obsessed with new girls I meet since then, but it was hard to get rid of the one I had already locked into that place in my brain. It’s like quitting cigarettes by replacing it with cigars, but then trying to replace cigars cold turkey with nothing. Does that make sense?

I feel I didn’t do a good job at communicating all this. I am struggling to find the words. I just feel kind of restless and awful. I am trying to eat healthy, work out, and find a job in my field after graduating, but I kind of just feel shitty. I think I am getting better. I keep trying to analyse these things and read useful stuff, but I think I am kind of circling near an epiphany without really striking the nail on the head.

I guess part of it is just that I want to talk about these things. Like I know I am not really at a place where I can try much with girls. I don’t have any money or a car. I am working on changing that, but I don’t yet. Right now I live with my dad. I moved in with him after university and I’m going to stay here until I find work then I will move to an apartment near wherever that is (that way I can save rent and apply for jobs anywhere instead of renewing my old lease and being stuck in the same area).

I mean, like one thing I want to talk about is that I can’t fathom sex in the usual way that it gets talked about so casually. I mean, I have my problems. I already mentioned how hysterical I am about women generally. But I also don’t want casual sex. Yes, I want sex and I sorta enjoy it, but I don’t want to put my dick in any girls I don’t particularly like. Maybe this is just because I am an inexperienced faggot, but I don’t even like hugging people who I am not familiar with. I tend to do it because otherwise people will treat me like I am being rude, but how I feel on the inside is GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY PERSONAL SPACE STRANGER! God, how about a fucking handshake? I don’t even like those (you probably didn’t wash your hands you filthy animal) but at least a handshake is a sort of compromise where I adhere to a societal norm without feeling so bothered.

(As an aside, I don’t ever want to see a prostitute again for example. I am glad I did because it got that stress of “being a virgin” out of my head, but otherwise it wasn’t something I’d do again. There are a lot of negatives and unknowns to be worried about to be sure.)

I don’t at all judge any other guys for generally being more into the whole casual sex thing, not at all. Actually, I see it, from one angle, as a problem of mine. I have a series of problems which make casual dating hard for me. Like, I am the problem. Who and how I am. I think it would be to my benefit, as in contribute towards my self-improvement, if I could date casually (and therefore I guess have sex more casually) because then it would make me better at getting the LTR I know I want later. (Actually, I want that now but obviously it isn’t realistic atm.)

But the few time I have dated over the years I have failed even when I kinda sort of succeeded because I basically self-sabotaged.

I don’t know. I am kind of lost atm. I guess I am just looking to talk about some stuff instead of stewing in my own thoughts about them even if they are less than ultra-dramatic. Thanks a lot if you read this mess.