I'm going to be as truthful as possible and write down everything that is wrong with me, as embarrassing as it feels and as exposing as it is. I just turned 20 last week. My life is a total utter wreck. I've fried my brain with this cluster-fuck of an addiction. When I was 11 I was first exposed to porn, I was a religious Muslim at the time, hence I repressed all my sexual feeling and channeled it straight to Porn, I never had a father to teach me red-pill values, or to even help me in becoming a man. I was bullied to shreds as a child, because I was simply different, maybe its the fact that I was Arab or I was a nice guy, that burden also went with me all the way to high school. I had a shitty high-school experience. When I was younger I had many hobbies, jujitsu, learning anything to do with computers, I even built my own computer when was 11, after working and saving up for 3 years, I managed to build something for £450, I had a future, I also liked reading books, playing on my PS2, but as I progressed through my years, I started to abuse porn more and more, starting off with vanilla heterosexual stuff i.e Big tits, hot beautiful girls, in fact just seeing a semi-nude girl could get me off just looking at it, that quickly changed though, as I started to degrade and crumble throughout my highschool years I had no social skills, all my friends where fake shits, that would tread on my like a carpet at any chance or moment, I was so god-damn depressed.

I had no parents to come and speak to, my mom would sometimes give me the silent treatment. But truth be told I didn't know I was depressed, because I've always been in this state, I stopped caring about myself, I had no self-respect, I never brushed my teeth, I never got haircuts, groomed, even when people would shit on me, I would take it because who am I to do so? I'm a piece of shit, I meant nothing.

I don't blame myself for anything that I've been through, heck it was because my blue-pill parents fucked me up raising me, they could have told me a few things, or simply been there and couldve changed everything. When I was in my final years of high-school, due to all those years of social isolation, I was borderline insane, yet I didn't snap just yet. I absolutely obliterated my exams, and got the highest grades in my school. After that I completely broke down, I could no longer compose myself. The trigger was my oneitis that I had during that time, a cute girl that happened to also like me and I liked her as well, I couldn't stop thinking about her everyday, we we hinted IOU's at each other for like 2 years, but the catch is, that I didn't ask her out or tell her how I felt. During that summer break, when we all left, she hooked up and publicly announced that she got a new BF, some badboy looking emo from some other shitty school. My heart shattered into 12 pieces, I used to think about her everyday, fantasize about asking her out, getting married, and shit like that. I never asked her out because that's against my religion to have a gf. This oneitis is the person that triggered the series of events that led to me swallowing the pill.

My addiction started to get worse, I soon escalated from straight porn to shemale porn, then from shemale porn all the way to gay porn, why because I started to find penises arousing, because in my brain I associated it with pleasure, from the hours of pornographic reinforcement. I built a routine for myself, from I would check out photos then move onto videos etc, from one specific website to another. I went from jacking of 1-2 times a week at most, straight to 5-6 times a fucking day, to the point I broke my sexuality. From there I found into sissy porn, with all the self-hatred that I had for myself, and feeling like a feminised bitch everyday, and a disgrace of a man, I stopped believing that I was even a man, I though I had klinefelters for a period, I developed HOCD, by that time my penis broke, I've developed PIED, so I have a small dick, thus reinforcing my sissy fetish, I also learnt to orgasm from anal stimulation alone, which was 10 times more intense and is extremely addictive, which for me hit the nail in the coffin, how could I even call myself a man anymore, I masturbate like a bitch and I orgasm from it? HOCD intensified by 1000 times. Also that period of time I started to become skeptical about my religion, I read a lot of books and spent a lot of time researching, I left religion this prompted a hedonistic-confused existential angst, after being so damn-religious in the past and thinking that everything that happened to me god was subconsciously trying to communicate with me. Depression.... - This was all during my first year of sixth-form college.

I had prospects of studying medicine, I did rotations in 5 different hospitals, I sat the UKCAT and did well, I volunteered a local charities etc, I built a solid portfolio for my uni application. However my addiction destroyed all of that, I jacked off every day throughout that year, at least 5 times a day, and even once I hit 14, this my jizz became water. I was done, my brain was fucking fried, I started getting to school late everyday, my skin was dry, my face was puffy, my voice was weak and bitch like, I didn't do a single piece of homework that whole year, my anxiety was so bad, I'd have to compress myself otherwise I'd probably have a seizure. Long story short I failed all my exams, although I was predicted a raft of A's, but I got C's and D's. I was so depressed during that year, I considered killing myself so many damn times, I was also lost, confused, what the fuck.

Then in my second year of sixth-form college, I found Nofap, I learn't about my addiction, learnt about the damage that is caused on my brain, and realised that my HOCD clusterfuck is just a result of pornographic abuse, a testimony of how powerful that shit is, I have always been a straight man attracted to women and boobs, I would never marry a man or love him in an erotic way. I started pulling of streaks, holy fuck... I felt 10000000x better, I felt like I was invincible. However I failed so many times, however I persevered. September 2014, I tried almost 350 times trying, I failed, and worst of all my addiction worsened, when I failed, because I'd binge hard, I didn't rewire shit, I then escalated to cuckold porn, BBC worship and femdom. My main reason for relapsing, was my small penis, I'd look down at it just sitting in the toilet, and I'm done, I toss 3 weeks down the drain and delve into more hardcore shit, then I'd try again after a couple of days. I also started hitting the gym that year, I became introduced to TRP but I was still skeptical because I didn't understand what it was. That second year of college, I also resat every-single exam from the previous year on-top of the current years work, I failed even harder.

I then spent an entire gap year in isolation, I swallowed the pill fully by then, I read pretty much all of the TRP main books and I knew my shit, I had 2 persona's. A part of man thats alpha as fuck and wan'ts to dominate his life and grow and be on the path of self-development and the persona when I'm triggered during a porn session, Its like I have 2 personalities. That year I managed to show my aptitude via other means, I was offered to study engineering at UCL and KCL, both in the top 20 uni's of the world. My addiction however got worse, I started to buy shit online, lingerie to cross-dress in, dildos etc, fuck my sessions became so extreme, when I'm done, I'm shocked by what the fuck I've done, this isn't me, this my addiction that has hijacked my entire fucking existence. Sticking shit up my ass, wearing womens clothing, what the absolute fuck, this isn't something that I was ever into, until the normal shit no longer got me off, so I started to use my personal short-comings and failures as a proxy orgasm even harder and get that same high like it was the first time. Guess what, during my most important maths exam, I woke up 2am in the morning to jack off, and yes I blew this big fucking opportunity away a chance most people don't get, I failed and got even worse grades then my first and second time.

Now I'm studying a mid-tier uni, and I'm fucking depressed, I'm still addicted. Its been 2 months in, I'm absolutely obsessed with cuckold and BBC porn. I have literally no morale to try and reboot again, because this shit is so god-damn difficult, and near-impossible I've been doing it for years, and I've virtually tried everything including: Removing the internet, cold-showers, hitting the gym, reading, daily affirmations etc. I feel as though this all comes down to my penis which is only 5.5 inches. But nope, I've come to askTRP to help me out, I'm planning on trashing my laptop, and staying at the library or gym for the whole year, or I'm in bed sleeping, until I rid myself of all the brain-damage I've caused myself. I need help. Thank you very much for reading this.