3 years ago my girlfriend started messaging a guy she had previously liked whilst in college. I think they had traded pics a couple of times but nothing with nudity on her part, unsure on his but find it unlikely. Nothing ever came of it and she met me 6 months after and we got together a couple of months later. I was her first for everything beyond kissing and vice versa, I know this as I have access to her facebook and had looked through the conversations when he made an appearance two years in.
2 years after we'd started dating they started talking again, it never really bothered me until one night she was messaging with him a lot whilst with me, I was glancing at the content and it wasn't anything unacceptable but he was always fishing for compliments and she kind of was too but with plausible deniability. I told her clearly then that she was either spending time with me and dropping the phone or she could leave, it caused a minor argument but it stopped. It came up in conversation a couple of times that he was running past her house, and that bothered me so I checked their convo history. Nothing bad but I had a bad feeling and read further back to before we dated and saw they used to flirt a lot. This was before she met me so I hold no issue with it but put me on high alert.
One day after 2-3 months of them talking on and off we went to my grandparents for dinner and I jokingly took her phone, I don't remember why. Her reaction was disturbing so I took it into the bathroom discretely and read through the messages. There was some minor fishing for compliments on both parts then he messaged saying 'would you sleep with me?'. Just to be clear in the context it was not a proposition, but as in 'I feel unattractive, am I attractive enough for you to want to sleep with me?' type deal. Her reply was something along the lines of I don't know, would you with me.
I left my grandparents with her saying I needed to leave to shower, then broke up with her that evening, went away to see a friend for a week and came back and eventually we got back together. At the time I felt because there was no actual cheating it wasn't that bad, but I told her she should delete him, not talk to him and we'd see where we went from there.
Now we get to the part where I explain why this means a lot to me. In 2014 my dad killed himself by setting himself on fire in his car. Apologies for how blunt that is but it's what happened and I can't sugar coat it. It messed me up but I'm yet to really have a break down or really come to terms with it. I got therapy but wasn't really ready for it and he told me I was in a bit of a safe bubble and needed to challenge myself more, but also that I was quite uncompromising and cut people out too easily. My girlfriend was fantastic throughout all of it and was there for me in a way that no one else could have been. Whilst I would have managed on my own she made the process so much easier and for that I feel like I can't throw it away on a whim and should at least get a second opinion.
So now on to today. She messaged me saying she was talking to an old friend and that it made her miss me (I've not seen her in a couple of days now and was due to tomorrow). I made some type of joke about her missing me and left it, then asked her later on who she was speaking to as part of another conversation. She told me it was the guy in question and since then I have looked through their messages and have been ignoring her calls/messages. The content of the messages was mainly catching up but there was also mention on his part apologising for how he never took the chance and how he wished they could have enjoyed all the fun things they could have been and could have done together. She replied by saying it was water under the bridge but he kept coming back to it, then she said things happen for a reason etc. Not completely shutting him down which is what I would have expected her to do, but not encouraging it either. I assume it's him visiting an old flame for some validation. Although the conversation started by him thanking her for a LinkedIn commendation thing so I guess that could be considered her initiating contact? I'm not sure how that works as I'm still in uni.
So far I've ghosted her as I'm not really sure what I want to do about it. I'm pissed she's talking to him again and feel like she's not valuing the relationship by risking talking to him again as she should know it would piss me off. It's strange though because I'm the aloof one that's not willing to get attached (I refuse marriage, my grief counsellor also said I'm not very open and too willing to cut people out), and I definitely hold less value in the relationship. I'd like some form of analysis where possible, and advice on where to go from here. It may be that I stopped weight training due to an injury and that has dropped my SMV slightly, or maybe over the xmas period I've been too bluepilled and not enough red, I've definitely dropped the ball on myself in the last 3-4 months though but this has kicked me up the arse to sort myself out regardless of the result. If you guys think it's salvageable tell me why, if not tell me why.
I think points in her favour are that she told me straight up, there was no attempt to hide it, and that there has been no inappropriate content in their messages particularly. The bad is that she ever thought it would be appropriate to talk to him again and risk the relationship on it, to me it seems she's either trying to validate herself with this guy (I'm always being told I don't compliment enough so maybe that's on me), or set up for a potential branch swing (although this guy is in a LTR himself so it doesn't seem as likely he'd be willing to risk it, I think he's insecure and wants someone to make him feel good). Let me know what you think, it's late here so I'll be in bed shortly but will reply in the morning.
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