Hi fellow RP women!

I'm 31 days in to RPW, and I've seen a major improvement.

I wanted to share my story, lessons learned & hope to get some advice on a recent issue. Apologies in advance for the long post, and as the mods requested, I have tried to reformat and reorganize my post.

My Story I'm 5+ years in to a LTR. My SO is consistently everything I've ever wanted (and a lot I didn't know I wanted, but really needed) from a partner. I'm 29 and SO is 28.

When we first started dating, I had recently gone through a period of growth where I had identified some of the core principles of RPW through my own struggle and research. At the time I didn't know RPW existed, but I knew what I believed - and the strategies I embraced really worked well for me. I believe that incorporating those strategies played a huge role in building a solid foundation for our relationship. At the time, I knew that there was some kind of theme tying together these strategies, but my level of commitment to, or consciousness of them, wavered depending on factors like stress, work, etc.

I've always been very feminine, and take great care with my appearance, clothes, makeup, and hair. I love to cook for my SO. The RPW strategies that I initially identified were more related to supporting more traditional gender roles especially in areas of decision making, communication, emotional support, trust, etc.

About three years in to our relationship, SO and I went through some major life difficulties. During this period we oscillated between being very close and helping one another, and pushing each other away to the point that we both did some major relationship damage.

I got tied up in the drama of it all, especially because these difficulties we went through put a hold our major life plans, including getting engaged. I also felt the pressure of many of my friends getting married and having beautiful weddings that just weren't in the cards for us at this point.

As a coping strategy, I built up an emotional, mental, and sometimes physical block that I was using to protect myself from the heart break of not fulfilling all those hopes and dreams in the time frame I believed I would. Of course, this affected the relationship. I didn't realize what damage I was doing at the time. We both faced a lot of depression and I felt that the foundation we built and the intimacy we shared was lost. I felt as if we were two completely different people, and I wondered often if perhaps we had exhausted our options trying to "make things work".

I wasn't aware that in the chaos of everything, I had let go of those RPW strategies.

During this period, I stopped dreaming of engagement, wedding, a home of our own, trips together, family, the future. When I killed these dreams, I also talked about their death to many of my girlfriends. This was a huge mistake, but I didn't know it at the time. I was depressed, grieving, and caught up in my own pain.

I remember this low point a few months ago, where we looked at each other and both of us truly wondered where the love had gone. We both missed each other, we both felt lost, and we both could tell that something huge was missing. We both felt clueless about how to get it back.

Fortunately, we were both committed to each other and we agreed to just chill out, give it time, and wait.

During this time, a lot of huge things happened in my life. Most notably, I cut communication with my father after realizing that the way he interacts with me is incredibly hurtful, manipulative, coercive, and contributed hugely to my depression and loss of self-worth.

Since I cut communication with my father, I no longer:

  • Second-guess myself or my choices
  • Have crying spells or sudden mood swings on the regular
  • Feel constant anxiety, shame, or guilt
  • Have to speak to anyone who harnesses anger and negativity (!)

I have to admit, I love my father very much despite his manipulative and narcissistic tendencies. I guess this is just the nature of parent-child love. But I just got to this point where I realized that the way he acts was having a profound affect on me, and that it wasn't healthy and it couldn't continue.

This break helped me to realize many things. Most importantly, that I was hanging on to a lot of anger and channeling it in to my relationship.

I've thought deeply about:

  • My comfort in anger and chaos. Many times, I would choose to distrust, be suspicious of, or be angry with my SO instead of just being nice, loving and warm. It took me quite a long time to realize that I was behaving in an ugly way, and that it was unnecessary and unfounded. He didn't deserve that at all. (Who did? My father. I was proxy-fighting, I think, because my father is one of the only other men who has had such an impact on me).

  • My mother's poor relationship habits. She's on her third husband and miserable. I feel so sorry for her, because she deserves love and intimacy and to be cherished. She is a beautiful, amazing, hard-working woman, but unfortunately she was raised by her mother, who has lived her entire life single after her second divorce and "hates men" as a result. I realized that many of my fears and reactions were learned; they were not authentic. Growing up with a mother who has had three marriages and countless failed relationships, as well as a father who left her, meant that every argument turned in to a "I don't deserve this, I am leaving now" moment. I had to learn that not every fight was an ultimatum in the relationship or a measurement of our worth as a couple. These reactions were so ingrained in my psyche that it took a lot of work to realize they were not normal or healthy.

  • My father's poor relationship habits. My father has had a different trophy-girlfriend (with their own host of complex issues: anorexics, alcoholics, workout-obsessed, divorced, 35+ and never married) every 6 months for the last 20 years of my life. I think at some point while I was growing up, this was a major contributing factor to my lack of knowledge of how to make relationships work, as well as a belief that relationships are always disposable.

  • My lack of married role models. Very few people in my family have been married for a long time and have a healthy, loving marriage. I've never seen one, never lived with one, have no idea what the mechanics are or how people solve problems in a loving way. It's been that way my entire life, so I never saw two adults who love each other work out problems together and coexist in the same household in a peaceful, loving, healthy way. Sometimes, I honestly feel absolutely clueless about what's right, or normal, in interpersonal relations and problem solving in relationships, or even just about relationships in general, because it's completely uncharted territory for me. This makes me second-guess myself often and wonder things like... how often do normal couples fight? What is a normal fight like? Am I giving too much? Taking too much? Loving enough? Expecting too much? Etc, etc, etc.

All of these things, of course, have made me realize how badly I want to learn the right skills to succeed in a healthy, loving relationship, especially so that if I have kids some day, they can learn from us and not have to feel lost when they are older and looking for love.

Over the last 31 days, things have been great, however, we recently had a small argument that is typical of our fights especially the period where we weren't very strong as a couple.

RPW: I'd really like to get your advice and criticism so that I can learn what I'm doing wrong, and try to avoid such unnecessary issues in the future.

How's your bedroom life right now? Physical & emotional needs? Our bedroom life has been amazing and we've shared emotional and mental intimacy on a deeper level. We haven't had trouble communicating and haven't had any fights. We've been having a lot of fun together and it was really clear to us that things have improved greatly. We've both been happier than we were before.

What is the problem? Sometimes, my SO and I have small problems that spiral out of control in to large arguments that turn hurtful. Recently, after 31 days of bliss, we had another one of these fights, and I feel worried that we need to address some deeper issues but I can't quite identify what they could be.

Here is an example of a recent fight.

My SO and I live in a country where we often host American friends as visitors. On these trips I usually take the responsibility of taking care of all necessary arrangements and reservations, as they're usually friends of mine.

My SO grew up with a friend of his, who I'll call Adam, who now lives in the US. Adam has a friend, who I'll call Jane, who planned a trip to visit for just a few days. When my SO told me about it, I already had made travel plans for part of the time she planned to be here, so my SO had the sole responsibility to arrange everything for her while I was gone, and we agreed I'd spend time with Jane once I was back by taking her out to dinner.

I know my SO was quite overwhelmed being responsible for the whole thing, especially because he hasn't met Jane before and already has a lot on his plate at work and with other responsibilities.

I was returning on Saturday, and that morning I had spoken to my SO to ask him if he had any plans with Jane for the evening. He told me he wasn't sure, but would let me know.

I finally got home around 9:30pm, after 3.5hrs of traveling. I called him to let him know I was back, and asked him what he was doing for the rest of the night.

He told me by 10:30pm he'd go pick up Jane and head to my house (SO and I do not live together now, but will after we get married) across town so that we could hang out at my place and I could meet her.

My immediate reaction was to freak out a little bit, because the plan was suddenly sprung on me with only an hour's notice. My house was a bit of a mess, I was tired from traveling, supposed to work the next morning, and wasn't prepared to be "on" for the rest of the night. I explained this to my SO, realized that my tone was very anxious and aggressive, and took a minute to gather myself, then let him know I was sorry for the reaction, that I was just surprised because he hadn't mentioned anything to me earlier. He told me he understood, and said the decision was mine- we could cancel or if I was up to it we could meet Jane. I said that I didn't mind meeting her that night, although I'd prefer if we went out for a beer outside instead of coming to my place.

He said okay, and I asked him to keep me updated. I got off the phone and let all the unnecessary anger go, because I realized it was a stupid reaction on my part. I got in the shower, dressed, make-up on, and called him an hour later to see when I should expect them.

When we spoke, he told me that he wasn't able to reach her and the night was cancelled. I asked him a few questions about how her trip has been so far and what she'd like to do in the last two days before she leaves. During our conversation, he mentioned that he actually hasn't tried to reach her yet. I was confused based on what he said earlier, so I asked for clarification, and he said that because I already "ruined his day" (with my reaction earlier) he didn't feel like going out, so he will message her when we're off the phone to let her know that our plans were cancelled.

From this, I understood that Jane was aware we had plans tonight, and was possibly waiting to hear from us, and because of our argument earlier he was going to cancel everything. I felt like that would make us disappoint Jane, and I didn't want to let her down by spending the evening alone in a place where she knew no one. I explained to my SO that I was comfortable with going out, that I had gotten ready, I had no hard feelings from earlier, and that I was sorry if my reaction caused him any stress.

Somehow, this escalated in to a huge argument. I felt myself getting wrapped up in the emotions of the argument and I also felt as though I had worked hard to make a good, mature decision (letting things go, apologizing for my behavior, and chilling out) and it all backfired on me. Our anger escalated quickly, and I ended the call abruptly so we could both take some space and calm down.

We spoke after nearly 24 hours, which is unusual for us. When we spoke again, it was hard to communicate. He told me he felt insulted that I hadn't initiated communication earlier, and I told him that I thought giving us both space to calm down was the best option, and that I honestly wasn't sure what to say, and that the argument had left me feeling sad and unsure of what to do next to make things right.

I feel sad that such small, meaningless things can get blown out of proportion.

How long has this been an issue? This fight is really typical of us. This is the first time anything like this has happened during the last 31 days of implementing the strategies I've learned at RPW, but these fights were very common in the last two years.

What are your faults? How have you contributed to the creation of these issues? I know I played a large part of setting the tone for the fight by freaking out when my SO told me his plans for the night on short notice. I wish I had the ability, at the time, to actually think things through instead of going immediately in to anxiety-mode.

What steps have you already taken to try and resolve the problem? I thought that I remedied this by apologizing immediately and letting him know I'd be happy to go out. Last night I communicated that I was sorry for my reaction and ready to let things go so we could enjoy ourselves.

Why do you think this problem manifested? From reading other posts here at RPW, it sounds like our fight yesterday could just be both of us regressing in to old habits. So, I keep rethinking the conversation, wondering what I should have done differently. I'd like to resolve this in a way that sets a tone for our future communication. I know I will try harder to avoid reacting without thinking. I'm worried that perhaps he didn't believe me when I said that I really was happy to go out, and when I apologized for my reaction (maybe he thought I was only saying it and didn't mean it? I'm only speculating).

I'd really like to get past things like this, or at least find a way for them to be small disagreements that we overcome instead of huge fights that leave me feeling depressed and down for days.

Are you making a mountain out of a mole-hill? I could be making this issue bigger than it is, but the truth is that at the moment, I feel really confused, sad, and that I just suck at relationships. I'd like to approach these issues differently and learn how to manage my reactions.

Thanks in advance, sorry for the super-long post, I just wanted to be as detailed as possible.