I'm very new here. I'm really happy I found RPW! I came here first by accident really. It'd been a long time since I'd looked into anything TRP related, but I'd grown more certain that there's something fundamentally different in my thinking vs what a lot of other women seem to think about men, women and relationships. Until now I've for a long time (> 10 years) felt like a lot of the Manosphere stuff out there does make complete sense to me, me coming from an evolutionary perspective, and also a bit of an outsider in the feminine world... Many times what to me is an obvious solution to a relationship issue is something I wouldn't generally dare to say out loud to a group of women. I'm really happy to find a lot of what I'd been sort of thinking laid out like this, makes it more clear for me too.

I've been reading the sidebar posts, but I'm unfamiliar with Reddit concept, so I'm still learning how everything works around here. I read the RPW Axioms and it was all the things I'd been thinking on my own. I do recognize there are some parts about RPW that I'm struggling with. One of the things I'm worried and would like everyone's input on, is that is there a nice way out of the situation I'm in. Is it possible that actually following RPW might make things worse for our relationship? Like my flair says, I'm in my thirties in a relationship with a man, for almost ten years. We have three children together, youngest two are toddlers, oldest in school. I'll try to give enough background information. I hope this doesn't turn out to badmouthing him. (I'm afraid this got very long.)

He's a good man in that he works, he's intelligent and hard working when it comes to his education and career, he provides for his family, has plans for the future, takes care of finances, is loyal to me and always, always wants me sexually and is a good lover. Being with him has made me appreciate my body more. In many ways he has attributes that I need in order to keep my life together. Of course the most important thing that is unique to him is that he's the father of my children. He is very introverted and needs time to unwind from his work. He is stressed over finances and his workload. He has some health issues that may take a toll on how much he can reasonably do, he has trouble sleeping, and even though he is not really taking care of his health much, he hasn't been in denial about his issues either. He thinks he has Asperger's, I think he may have AD(H)D instead, but nothing's been diagnosed.

I'm asking for input and advice, but of course part of this is just getting these thoughts out as it helps me to process it. Here goes:

When we met about ten years ago, I was in my early twenties, my life was a mess and his life was relatively pulled together for a single guy in his late twenties. I'd never dated anyone, didn't really take much care of myself, I may have been depressed, and especially looks-wise really was not a catch. I had a passion for my hobbies, but it was a little bit of me focusing on something relatively easy and not important that occupies my mind, to avoid having to face how neglectful I am in reality with things that matter. I don't know what he saw in me, but he was pretty determined to pursue me. I'd never experienced that and was flattered of course.

He had some time before come out of a LTR where he had largely been the stepfather and caretaker for the woman's children, they'd been engaged, she had mental issues, she dumped him. I saw him as someone gentle and reliable who could provide stability for me too, and encourage me to become better. He didn't criticize me for all the embarrassing things I failed at, helped me, and seemed at ease with revealing his failures to me. I was touched by his trust. Still I was reserved, partially in denial, partially too ashamed to reveal him in turn all the things I'd neglected to take care of (like how little I'd actually gotten ahead in my studies, how I'd messed up my finances, how poorly I ate), and decided to just work on them on my own, the same way I'll clean the closets little by little, so that I'll one day be at his level and don't have to hide anything. This was of course very wrong, but I didn't see it then, I thought it's really not his business anyway and at the time I wasn't sure how long we'd even be together. I suppose this lead me to keep him at an arms length from the beginning.

It wasn't long after we got together that I got pregnant. He wanted children early, I knew I wanted children some day and at the time I felt like I needed some serious external pressure to get a grip of my life, so let's do it. I think I did well as a mother even though the turn around wasn't easy for me, and sometimes I did take the easy, lazy way out rather than really providing stable, healthy routines for the child, but we managed. Our kids are wonderful little people by the way. He was financially supportive and proud father, but usually his own comfort was #1, and even though I made an effort to give room for him to be any kind of a father he wants, I felt he blamed me for not making things easy for him. And I had looked to him for help and guidance, since he was older, wanted children, and had experience with little kids. I took care of the baby and the home alone, tried not to get disappointed and told myself it's just my own expectations, and got to setting things up for him so that he just needs to be there rather than be involved. I don't to this day think it was unreasonably demanding of me as an adult to take care of one (1) healthy child, my own dogs and our small apartment, but at the time I struggled because I'm not exactly the homemaker type.

Our relationship was sometimes strained. I tried to see his side of it though, maybe he felt he was trapped in our relationship, had hard time at work, felt the pressure and responsibility more, maybe he was more tired than I was, maybe the apartment was really too small for us, maybe sex means different things for him than it does for me, and it did ease some of the tension. He didn't ever really get involved with childcare and I wasn't too motivated to continue to make more room for him after he had bailed on me from the start (I felt). Making room for him would've meant setting daily routines up and maintaining them so that he could easily and competently take over any time without having to ask for any instructions, but I felt it's too much to ask from me, I'm tired too and can take care of the child and home without having an elaborate system and labels on everything, and if he wants a different system he should get involved and create it with me, not expect me to set it up for him for the off chance that he one day wants to attempt dressing the kid up on his own. But then, on the other hand, I did think it was wasteful and lazy of me not to have an effective system in place, Supernanny style, I should've been able to do it.

During the years we've made some career path changes both of us, built a home (with more room), had more children (I didn't expect him to become more hands-on dad with more kids, but still I was sometimes disappointed having kids was a change for me and not so much for him). I managed to fix many of the issues I'd hidden from him, which has been a huge relief for me, and some of them I had to eventually come clean about, which was also a relief, to get to confess my failures to him, have him be angry, and then tell me what I need to do to fix it (and not throw me out) and I didn't have to hide it anymore. The money has been tight and I have been lazy still. I'm still more for short term gratification than reaching long term objectives, I cut myself more slack than I should and cut corners, pushing things out of sight rather than dealing with them head on. I'm not as disciplined as I should be and want to be.

Even though I know I've been deceitful, I think I've made up for it by continuing to improve and continuing to keep the atmosphere light and happy and by being flexible. We don't argue often and it's not over the little things, if something doesn't get done I just do it or let it be. I don't think he has put in the same effort. I think he is doing worse as a spouse and a father as he did in his previous relationship (based on what he has told me) and when we met.

I fear if I go full RPW it will just make him more spoiled, but I don't think it's an option for me to "next the Captain" either. I'm in this boat with him, I've chosen him. But many of the TRP men have woken up to self-improvement because of women treating them badly, right, making their life difficult, and I fear he might need that too. I don't want to get worse for him to get better. Maybe he needs a more assertive woman who doesn't listen to complaints. What if he (maybe without really realizing to) provokes me to push him more by taking up all the room to be lazy I give him? He sometimes has even said that he needs me to order him to start doing something, but if I try, he'll resist and weasel or be outright aggressive (not physically). I can't be as domineering as he'd want me to be and I want him to want to do things for me (plus I do think as an adult he should be able to see what needs to be done and take care of it, not have to go to rage-martyr-mode to fix something that has been waiting to be fixed for years). I resent him for turning me into his mother (and then fighting me like a child) (when I'm trying hard not to see him as a child), even though I know it's up to me not to take that role.

I feel like he is being selfish with his time and effort. I had to learn to do all the things parents and homeowners do, and to motivate myself to do all this day after day, and he hasn't bothered, but does still point out my mistakes, frames "jokingly" some of the things he should do as things I should've done, and makes unreasonable demands, sometimes again "jokingly". Like I'll be painting the house next summer, while watching the kids, I don't know what to say to that, what does he want me to say. And then I see him suddenly get motivated to pursue his hobbies, putting hours of hard work and money too into reaching an objective and usually succeeding. But what is worse than being jealous of his time, I feel like I have to do all the mental acrobatics time and time again shifting my perspective, to keep staying positive and not resent him. Meanwhile he can act out, be too tired, nag, complain, whine, shoot down my suggestions, argue.

Right now I'm working part time, 20-30 hrs a week, the job is not mentally demanding at all but it is physical work, and attempting to study almost full-time (STEM). Basically all housework is on me or no one, he does sometimes cook and in the mornings he takes the kids to daycare because I've left to work early. The house is his and there are things he should be fixing, but he isn't doing them. Main responsibility with the kids is on me. I get very little sleep. Sex we have maybe 3-4 times a week. I've made an attempt early on to not turn him down and to not burden sex life with anything else that is going on. Sex makes him really happy and lovey, I get that. Weekends I can't sleep any later so I get up at around 6 am, he often wakes up after noon to go out for an hour with the kids, who I've washed and fed and dressed and pushed out the door for him. Meanwhile I clean and cook and try to resist being lazy or resent him for taking the fun playtime with the kids and leaving me to do the chores, and so it goes.

I realize I don't have much respect for him. But I don't want us to separate. I want to be the woman who understands him and helps him reach his potential. I want him to have a good life and to be a good father, I think he wants it too and is ashamed of the underachieving. I don't want to realize later on that I've underestimated how much he contributes to my success, overestimated my own efforts, or underestimated my own impact in destroying him and our family. But it's hard to stay giving and supportive. I need a wife of my own to do all the RPW things for me and take care of me! Sometimes I'm fine and happy when I'm with the kids or on my own even if I'm tired and feeling the pull of inertia, but when he emerges from the bedroom late and sleepy with sugary "Hey honey" I just feel depleted and annoyed, avert my eyes and quickly go away to regroup for a moment, because I just can't bring myself to greet him happily at that moment. But then there are times when I am sincerely happy to be with him.

I know I'm responsible for my part in getting to this point. I know I should be grateful for everything he does and I should concentrate on what I can do better. I don't want to pity myself. A lot of the times I'll think like how life was for my grandmothers when they were my age, and I remind myself if I was alone everything would be on me, so it's not too much to do all the things with a smile on and make his life a little bit better while at it, it's not too hard.

In TRP I read about their dread concept. I wish I had that to motivate me, but the way he is, not much dread... I sometimes try to create it for myself by imagining the worst case scenarios. Unfortunately the guys also said dread doesn't work for men like it works for women. I fear that if I make it through these next few years and work on my issues (RPW), I'll be so over the top amazing woman (sorry but I think it could be true, it feels like an unreachable dream but I think I could do it), and he'll be so far behind even if he just stays on this level he's on now... How do I stay motivated if I see him being lazy all the time? If I motivate myself by challenging to not get down on his level even if he provokes me, then I'm being disrespectful aren't I? How could I resist not taking over everything he should be doing, and what would that do to him? How do I continue to stay humble, if I respect him less? If I have a job that pays the same as his, how do I continue to think it's best for me to stay with him even if it's draining sometimes?

I also wonder if me not showing all of my failures to him in the beginning (I thought he'd surely leave me if he knew) has actually led him to see himself as inferior to me all along. Would that explain passive-aggressiveness? For some reason he has been physically attracted to me always, never said a bad word about my body, even when I've thought I'm hideous, haven't showered etc, so maybe he sees my value as higher than I do. I don't know. He does regularly "joke" about all the men I have on the side, which I don't get, I don't think a lot of men would be attracted to me and I definitely am not cheating on him. If he thinks I'm about to leave him, I'd expect him to act out more and feel worse, if I get better. To not push him down but build him up instead, I'd have to be more vulnerable and submissive than I am now, compliment and admire him more, but to get more vulnerable and submissive I'd have to get further on this RPW path. But I don't think I have a lot of choice anyway. Where do I get the power to be truly respectful and appreciative?

This got too long already and my battery is dying, so I'll just post. I should have probably left some part out but I didn't know how to. I'll be commenting.