How Your Man Feels When You Nag: A Realization

ragnarockette · 2016-12-22T18:07:46+00:00

This resonates with me so much. I grew up with lots of nagging and naturally became a nagger too. I also felt my little quips were "useful/helpful/needed"...lol, nope.

I think you really got to the root of nagging when you said, " She doubted my judgement." The honest to goodness root of nagging is the earnest belief that you know better than everyone you nag, which is pretty gross.

Part of how I stopped nagging was thinking before I spoke. When I had a "tip" to share I would picture myself first saying the phrase "I know more than you, so..." and then continuing on with the "helpful tip". That pretty well made me stop by nagging forever.

TheLaughingRhino · 2016-12-23T05:32:14+00:00

My observation

Men, as growing boys, are taught that not all their feelings are valid. Actually, and sadly, many learn, in a negative way, that showing any kind of emotion will result in one of two thing ( or both) A) The other person, usually a woman, distances herself from you and/or B) The other person, usually a woman attacks you ( sometimes directly but often passive aggressively)

Women, as growing girls, are taught close to everything they feel is valid. No one tells them to stop crying, or to shut up and deal with it, or to suck it up. Maybe a parent or a grandparent or a teacher in the past generations, but in many cases, most women are socialized that all their problems are real, all their feelings should mean something and voicing them is perfectly OK.

I think this is reinforced when young girls are preteens. If you have drama then you must have an important life and people in conflict around you must assume you are special in some way. Drama = Importance and Importance = Status

Many young boys are pushed towards competitive team sports. The goal is to win. If you don't play, then you have to work harder and get better. The best players are rewarded with better social status. If you ride the bench, it's because you just aren't good enough.

Growing up as older teens, boys have to approach girls and get rejected. Imagine a world where women had to approach guys, there was no sex on the table and all women trended towards getting commitment from men. You learn really fast, as a guy, after rejection ( and most guys get a lot of rejection) that what you feel doesn't matter. You are expendable. You mean nothing to most of the world. As a guy, you feel bad about rejection, then improve or shut up. Most girls as older teens don't experience this the same way. Rejection yes, but imagine having to approach, think of something funny to say, put yourself out there to a stranger. And this is the social norm.

Am not saying women have it easier than men. Am saying culture and social dynamics don't create a situation where most women deal with the issue that their feelings don't have to always matter.

My take is most women nag because they are conditioned to never have restraints on it ( most of them, some were raised more harshly) Society and men tolerate it and the higher your SMV, the more it's tolerated. I suspect this is partly why many women with very low SMV are often enraged. They are raised with no social conditioning to stop their desire to feel justified in how they feel in the moment, but they aren't getting what they want, which is equal or more than what most other women are getting.

Things that factor in

How you were raised and if there was heavy discipline
Some cultural differences ( some Eastern European women just, on the average, aren't as generally entitled as some Westerner women, I realize this is a broad generalization)
If the girl played competitive sports ( You learn meritocracy often this way)
If the girl has masculine type traits in general
The girl had a massive shift in SMV ( i.e. braces and awkward at 15, then smoking hot at 23)

I really go believe that if most women were treated like most men, that most women would be absolutely miserable. And there would be less nagging, because sometimes it comes down to what you feel right here and right now doesn't have to matter. It doesn't have to mean anything. It doesn't always need to be justified.

Most people, not just women, do as much as they can get away with in life. To me, this is why most women nag. Because they can without too much social punishment for it. On the flip side, many women here, esp Gardrothard, talk about encouraging your guy and supporting him and believing in him. I cannot tell you how much that means to most men in terms of getting them to move off their butt to self improve. A guy will fight if he has a reason to fight for someone. Better honey than vinegar. If you get a guy to do something ( which is what most nagging is about) its about him complying to keep regular sex or to reduce the aggravation. That's not healthy change. To me, healthy change is the guy feels supported, if he's a good person inside, and chooses to be the best version of himself because the woman next to him inspires him.

The Survivor song, The Search Is Over, sort of explains it

"I was living for a dream Loving for a moment Taking on the world That was just my style Now I look into your eyes I can see forever The search is over You were with me all the while

Can we last forever Will we fall apart At times it's so confusing The questions of the heart

You followed me through changes And patiently you'd wait 'Till I came to my senses through Some miracle of fate

I was living for a dream Loving for a moment Taking on the world That was just my style Now I look into your eyes I can see forever The search is over You were with me all the while"

Nagging is a short term "fix" Inspire a man, and he will take on the entire world for you. He will move a mountain. He will tear down the sky if you asked him to do it.

Very few women, sadly, understand how to inspire a man. How to be truly elegant. I enjoy the posts by Gardrothard here, because I feel she has a strong pulse on how to inspire a man near her. I encourage more women here to really pay attention to her posts.

[deleted] · 2016-12-22T16:13:48+00:00

My grandma is like this too! Such a good parallel to draw, I love it!

JackGetsIt · 2016-12-23T01:02:40+00:00

Would anyone like to expound on the nature of female nagging (maybe I should make a separate post or a regular female contributor would like too?). I of course have my suspicions about nagging. One being it's a way to access the advantages of a power position without all the downfalls of a leadership role. I'd enjoy hearing a female perspective on this...

refelgallo · 2016-12-23T04:58:10+00:00

the opposite of nagging can be an issue as well. My girlfriend of the past several years prides herself of being strong and independent, among other things such as being a good southern cook. I can't think of an instance where she has nagged me about anything. however if something bothers her she internalizes it. Luckily she doesn't hold on to it until she "explodes". We have a discussion before going to bed and she'll express how much something bothers her. the only "annoying" bit, (for lack of a better word) is that she allows it to bother her for any length of time so that it festers. As of yet, we haven't had an argument or a shouting match. For which I am greatly appreciative. I simply caution any subscriber, male or female (or however you identify) to not hold things in to cause a greater issue in your relationship(s)

HobbesTheBrave · 2016-12-22T15:37:13+00:00

I can't help but resent her even though I love her. And I believe this is how men feel when they are constantly nagged by their women. Sure you can beat them into submission like I have been with dear ol grammy, but at the end of the day the feeling of being trapped is a breeding ground for resentment and resentment will overpower love.

My main question about this is, it is about the reason why a person does this, let's say, "You need to eat better!" Why I am eating better? Am I eating better in order to shut you up, in order to not hear you like this? Or am I eating better, for a better reason, a reason which isn't defensive, a reason I chose myself?

--cunt · 2016-12-23T01:12:38+00:00

My grandmother does this too, I love her dearly and she's been more of a mother to me than my own mother. But god is it annoying when she nags. "Put on a sweater." I'm not cold. "Well what if you get cold" I'm not. "Well do you want my sweater?" UGHHHHH I know if I'm cold and I know what to do if I get cold!!! I'm not incompetent!!

Love her dearly but after a few hours with her I nag a lot less with my fiancé because I get it lol

testmypatience · 2016-12-23T02:10:00+00:00

This seems to happen with both men and women picking at each other because "we care about them". When the actual outcome is resentment like you have said.

The big thing to note is that most adults are able to stay alive and take care of themselves quite well. The sad thing however is that a flip side to this is that most adults also have giant blind spots of error. My previous fiancee almost burned our home down because she didn't turn off the crock pot when she was done with it and all the water was evaporated out of it. I've done some things that I'm glad she pointed out. The trick is to know when to say something so that it isn't a nag and is an actual necessary and helpful thing. Like if they have a hole in their pants they don't see or have something else stray going on that you are pretty damn sure they are unaware of.

A useful thing is to go to the partner's side of alcoholics anonomous meetings. The meetings that are for people that have to deal with an alcoholic. One of the things they teach is that you cannot control the behavior of someone else and just have to live with it. One woman was talking about how her partner would load the dishwasher really badly or not at all. She had always bitched about it and she found that just dealing with it by not nagging was the most useful thing she could do. She just did it herself.

You can always mention something a few times and hope it sticks if it really bothers you, but much more than that and it doesn't help.

I'm a bit of a different case though. I forget things quite a bit so I'm pretty ok with being told something a bunch of times as long as I haven't previously said to fuck off about it. Some things people just don't know that they are doing something that they are doing until they are made very aware of it.

Communication is just a very difficult thing in relationships all around. Both genders are pretty bad about it for the most part. Seems like different areas of communication failure happen for each gender.

Vector-Sigma · 2016-12-23T03:39:48+00:00

My parents nagged a lot. Each other and me. The problem with it was that even if they were correct, the negative tone made me feel like doing whatever they said even less. Retrospectively, it’s because it seems like the nagger doesn’t understand why you won’t do that thing, so I’m not going to listen to someone who doesn’t understand. If they say some sort of fact to back up the nagging, I investigate the claim that they are nagging about further as I’m more skeptical of it.

Nagging is a short-term strategy to get compliance. When I’ve nagged, it’s out of anxiety for some future event that must not happen. I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t remember a single instance where I’ve nagged someone and they’ve turned around and said ‘omg, you were right, I should listen to you more’.

Here is what I do instead: 1. If the nag is getting someone to avoid causing something negative for me, I distance myself from the consequence of their action as best as I can. They can do what they want because it doesn’t impact me.

If I were to nag about the same type of thing over and over again, clearly I care about that thing more. So I make myself responsible for it. For example eating healthy – fine, I do the cooking. It’s easier to do a task like that when you’re more invested in the outcome (yum and healthy food). If you’re doing something because you are avoiding nagging, the outcome you’re invested in is avoiding nagging. Avoiding the person is a good way to also avoid nagging.
If I nag over something because I feel I’m right, it’s up to me to prove I know best. It’s not so good short term, but can be amazing long term. When I see something about to go wrong I mention what’s happening and what I predict the consequence will be. My communication skills with new people are generally not very good, so often my suggestion is not followed. But when several of my predictions come true, people start to listen. And they actually do come back and say ‘omg [consequence] actually happened as you predicted. What do you advise on [new, but related matter]?’. And I find I’m wrong with predictions, looks like I knew less about it than I thought, so I learn to keep my mouth shut and learn from someone else on that matter. People are more likely to remember you were wrong (and judge you as stupid and arrogant) if you yelled and nagged about it*.
Try to understand why they are doing that particular behaviour, despite clear obvious negative consequences. Classic one is an addiction – good luck trying to nag someone out of an addiction. That way you can figure out how to make their life better without addiction than with addiction.

*Warning: In a work setting, this sort of strategy can work against you if your hit rate isn't much higher than your miss rate. If the hits are really good and the misses are not remembered, you can get false confidence from others. They may begin to consider you much more intelligent than you actually are. Especially if the rationalization for your prediction is not understood, and it was based on false information that could have been corrected earlier. Misses and mistakes can be more detrimental.

therewasguy · 2016-12-25T01:33:58+00:00

IMO, a heavy ego is a problem, As acceptance is usually a good thing on what is, there's nothing wrong with being told what not to forget at times, but overdoing is still overkill within an hour for example or even the same day. It really depends on what it is.

tekdj · 2016-12-31T15:57:54+00:00

hey... good one for recognising that behaviour!

on a psychological strengthening sort of tangent...

talk to the SO again... say you have id'd the source, and you will do all you can to not repeat that behaviour... but if you do you would like him to point it out (preferrably with humour/amusement?) "yes grandma" as a reply from him will shut you up, and if he is smiling at you you will know he is helping you recognise you are doing it again...

saying "i will never do it again" is tricky, cos in a moment of stress tiredness or weakness you may slip up! and if you are beating yourself up afterwards for "failing" thats not good...

we all make mistakes, and now you two can come up with a system to deal with it if you do it again... eventually you will not do it, but ingrained stuff takes time!

good luck!

Title	How Your Man Feels When You Nag: A Realization
Author	NoFaceNoPlace
Upvotes	71
Comments	32
Date	December 22, 2016 3:03 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/5jqzpy/how_your_man_feels_when_you_nag_a_realization/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-your-man-feels-when-you-nag-a-realization.86756 https://theredarchive.com/post/86756