How do I become more supportive and pleasant to be around for my husband?

[deleted] · 2017-04-22T07:23:10+00:00

To be frank, I think you need to chill the f*ck out and just give him some space.

Your negativity sounds exhausting and I think you need to manage your emotions, such that you're a more fun/pleasant person for ANYONE to be around. Go for a run, take a yoga class, drink a green tea, bake some cookies.

A man's distance is an unconscious request for room to breathe. Give it to him and let him come to you. Distract yourself with friends/hobbies/looking after your mental health in the meantime.

so I can prove to him that I am supportive and that I am there for him

You aren't either of these things right now. You have work to do. Get busy.

AlphaWeaboo · 2017-04-22T10:46:08+00:00

he just gets reserved and says he is tired of me talking about it

Stop. Talking. About. It.

but because I am sometimes not pleasant to be around therefore I am not supportive. I tried to tell him that being supportive and being pleasant to be around and that in order for me to fully support him he needs to let me in

So he told you something he needed from you (be supportive) and you threw it back at him and told him that's he's doing it wrong and that he needs to do it your way (let me in) so you can do what he wants. Your SO is being very open with you, you don't even have to guess what he needs and yet you won't act on it!

he says its not masculine to talk about his feelings but I am trying to get him to talk to me because I want him to know that I do support him and that I am there for him

You want him to know you support him, but you only want to be supportive on your terms. That's not the same thing.

I do not know how to get him to talk to me without it seeming like i am being a nuisance and annoying.

He doesn't want to talk to you! Stop trying to make him! You don't get to pick who he confides in. There is no way to nag him and not seem annoying.

You need to lay off this guy or you are going to find yourself in the exact position you don't want to be in. You'll push him away and he'll get so tired of defending himself that he'll give in (and cheat). You sound miserable and depressed. Maybe you should talk to a doctor and a therapist. Definitely a therapist, your insecurities are not his problem to fix or take care of, they're yours. You even say he's done nothing wrong in your relationship.

In addition to therapy you need some hobbies and girl you need to learn how to apply the STFU method to your relationship. He's going to get tired of always reassuring you and dealing with your emotional state. Fix it.

Willow-girl · 2017-04-22T14:07:22+00:00

It is very hard being with him because our looks are on such different levels and he does make a valid point by saying he has had variety and doesn't need it anymore he just wants someone to be his wife and future mother of his children and that I am the most beautiful woman he has been with and I did get the ring and I am the only one he has ever loved. I dont know why this is so hard for me to wrap my head around and why I cannot learn to accept it.

Do his actions match his words? If they do, hey no problem. If they don't, go with how he acts, not what his says. (Incidentally, that cuts both ways. You say you want to be supportive, but do your actions line up with your words?)

Also, this:

He recently started a new job where very attractive women hit on him multiple times a day

You know this, how? Because he's told you so? Is it possible he's using 'dread' tactics to manipulate you? Beware!

Finally, it's hard to tell what else you have going on in life because your post is all about your relationship, but it's possible you're putting way too much emphasis on having this man meet your needs. You need a well-rounded life with your own mission and purpose. Don't put all your eggs in the "relationship" basket, so to speak.

In any case, I would strongly advise that you hold off on marrying this man until you've worked out your issues and gotten the relationship on a good footing! You don't want to end up like me, a four-time divorcee, lol.

RubyWooToo · 2017-04-24T19:59:42+00:00

If you can't cope with your boyfriend's past cheating then you shouldn't be with him. I think a history of cheating is a perfectly reasonable deal-breaker.

But you can't have it both ways. You can't stay with him and then proceed to beat him over the head repeatedly about his past cheating. Accept his past or move on.

As for how you can be loving and supportive, he's told you. Stop trying to pry his feelings out of him. Your role is to be his partner, not his therapist.

amethyst92 · 2017-04-24T04:26:06+00:00

You ladies in the comments are all effing insane. Did you not read the part where it says he cheated in all previous relationships?! She is distrustful of a cheater & you're telling her she needs an attitude makeover?!!!!!!!!!

OP you cannot and will not have a relationship with him. Dump him.

GayLubeOil · 2017-04-22T06:42:32+00:00

From reading your post its obvious that you are not just insecure about your relationship you are insecure about yourself. You need to build value in yourself for yourself so that you can feel better about yourself.

Like honestly bro do you even lift? Do you even cook bro? Do you even challenge yourself intellectualy bro? Once you start building value in yourself, I'm sure your man will notice.

HobbesTheBrave · 2017-04-22T11:09:58+00:00

Make it a job. Measure yourself how much you do for his sake. Being a wife is trade, and your 'salary' is dependent on how pleased your boss is.

teammeli · 2017-04-22T16:08:22+00:00

holy shit, i got anxiety reading this. girl, you need to calm down and do your homework around here. read the sidebar posts over and over again until they are drilled into your head. i also suggest reading men are from mars, women are from venus to better understand male & female needs/communication styles/etc. also laura doyle's books are gospel around here.

there is no quick fix here, no overnight solutions or ideas that we can offer to make this better overnight. you need an attitude makeover, and some serious work. there is a lot of support in this community, as well as tough love, but this is the place to be for support and guidance.

good luck!

ForeverMrsK · 2017-04-28T01:50:26+00:00

I do appreciate the advice and all but since none of you know the full story of our relationship and you do not know him I'm not going to take your advice to dump him. I do need to find someway to relax and let go of things, that I do agree on but everything I've tried doesn't seem to work for me. I've tried baking and cooking and listening to music and coloring and taking the dog for a walk none of it works. I've told him I want to see a therapist to have someone to talk to who deals with this stuff often and he said it's just a waste of money and they won't be telling me anything useful and that I just need to think relax. But how do I just relax? I can't really talk to many of you on here either because our views are too different and I don't believe in what you have to say so I wouldn't want to start an argument over something stupid, so I'm really strapped for someone to talk to. I have no family to talk to either. If someone has good tools to help me relax or something that works for them I would love to see what you have to say and see if I can implement it and if it will work

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Title	How do I become more supportive and pleasant to be around for my husband?
Author	ForeverMrsK
Upvotes	6
Comments	17
Date	April 22, 2017 12:06 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/66szv6/how_do_i_become_more_supportive_and_pleasant_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-do-i-become-more-supportive-and-pleasant-to-be.87200 https://theredarchive.com/post/87200