I broke up with my Ex about three months ago, and have been No Contact for almost just as long.

One day, the day after one of the few times I asserted and stood up for myself in the relationship, she asked if I still wanted to be with her. I told her I just couldn't continue the relationship. I told her I was sad and depressed all the time, my happiness was completely dependent on her, and I needed to start taking care of myself. This was true, but it wasn't the whole truth. I spared her from the whole truth, which was that I couldn't get over the fact that prior to me she had been in a lengthy relationship with a married man, which both disgusted me and killed any trust I had for her.

She got extremely upset at that moment and for several weeks following. She sent lots of hateful stuff, culminating in telling me she wished she hadn't ended the relationship with the married guy to be with me. I had to block her on messenger apps, deleted my email address and changed my phone number. She eventually managed to get my phone number from someone and sent me a half-hearted apology. A few weeks ago a mutual acquaintance said he ran into her and he told me he thinks she wants me back. I've held firm this entire time and haven't responded to her or reached out to her or anything.

I was miserable in the relationship and constantly thought about how I could get out, and how happy I would be once I was free. She treated me like shit and I took it. Yet here I am, 3 months later and I'm still struggling. I've definitely improved emotionally since the emotional pit I was in the weeks following the breakup, but I'm nowhere near where I want to be.

I've gone on more dates in the last 3 months than I have in any other period of my life. I've hooked up with a couple of girls and have some options going forward. I've been consistent in going to the gym since the breakup, especially in the last month. Therapy isn't really an option since I live/work in a foreign country and I can't really afford it anyway, but I've been consistent in reading self-help literature and doing the recommended therapy exercises.

I still find myself with this nagging, unconscious obsession with the relationship. For some reason it's mostly focused on re-playing the first time I broke up with her, after she spoke really favorably of her relationship with this married guy (we tiptoed around discussing the subject previously) and told me that nobody (including her) could guarantee they wouldn't cheat on their partner. It's so stupid but I constantly re-live that argument in my head, about what I wish I would have said, and how I wish I hadn't taken her back after breaking up with her that time.

Aside from that, I also find myself with some disgusted nightmare fantasies about her and that guy...it's like I obsess about how much I hate myself for letting myself fall for someone who would do something like that. How I could treat someone so well who got off so much on blowing some old married dude in a motel rooms, and continued to defend and make excuses for and praise him in our relationship.

I just can't stop thinking about it, but I think maybe that's part of the problem...it's time I stop "allowing" these thoughts to run around in my head, and make a conscious effort to talk back to them. I've done that from time to time and it's been helpful. Also I don't have a ton of experience in LTRs, which I think may have something to do with my struggles in getting over this.

Apologies for the pathetic wall of text but I just wanted to get this out. I don't have anyone to talk to about this so I'm putting it out there here. If you can relate to this or have any advice, it would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.