So i was out with a friend tonight and this was literally the first time i was out with a hidden voice in my head echoing "you cant hide from women all your life, you have to approach". We got quite intoxicated and went to a high energy place with loud music and lots of dancing which is kind of my style cause im good at dancing and letting go with my body/havin a good time.

So we get there and i immediatly see a group of 4 very pretty thai girls and a very passive/beta guy (assume he was the bf of one of them) around a standing table. Me and my friend are drinking and im like fuck it i need to grab the attention of one of them and i go up dancing near the table pretending to not give a shit but im glancing at them all the time looking for iois (yes i know horrible) and im dancing near them for like 45 minutes having fun but every fucking fiber of my body is saying "dont approach you will get rejected and then you will die" pretty much. When i finally put my hand around one of the girls shoulder and ask her to come up dance with me she says no. Then i do the same next second to another girl at the table and she says no and i get double rejected i feel my vibe died but then i think to myself why was my silly ass so focused on that table only? Plenty more girls. And i start dancing and touching other women (just random kino as i dance) and one seem to find an interest in me.

As i kino her and dance havin a great time sharing my good vibes with her a guy comes up pushing my chest really hard yelling "THATS ENOUGH" and a bouncer came as we are arguing me saying im just having fun dancing while hes mate guarding her hardcore. They go sit at their table. Im looking at him after the bouncer leaves and hes patting on the sofa next to him in a violent/threatening way for me to sit down there and "talk". Being intoxicated i just laugh and dont hesitate for a second. So i sit down. Him in the middle and his gf to his left.

So im talking to him and saying its all cool i had no clue she was your gf no need to be so agressive. Im having a great vibe and suddenly this "i dont care if i die tonight" feeling comes in on me and i get bold and pretend to put my hand on the upper lenght of the sofa behind his back but what i do is caress his gfs back down to her ass even sliding my hand in her skirt to feel her ass while i talk to him as if nothing is going on even sharing laughs with him now and she is not doing shit to stop me. Then eventually i stop and go up and leave as my friend is out smoking. She comes out to smoke and whispers I wanna go home with you tonight. I just laugh and say "I bet you do" then i leave with my friend. I pretended to not even want her to go home with me but i was just too scared to say "sure come" as i felt i had done so much right to get her attraction that i didnt want to kill that attraction by bringing her home plus she had that bf.

Even when intoxicated my approach anxiety was sky high and i was more scared of being rejected/making a fool out of myself than actually dying. Literally. If a guy came in with a gun threatgening to kill everyone, the chance of me approaching him to talk to him was 1000 times higher than the chance of me approaching the first thai women at that first table i hoovered around for like a fucking hour. God i love thai women. They are like little fireballs of energy. This approach anxiety also seems to be deeply connected to my crazy fear of public speaking which i get extreme panic just thinking about. Its like "what if i make a fool of myself/what if i cant be perfect or great or what if im actually bad they will dismiss me and ill be a social outcast for the rest of my life/what if there is a pretty girl there who watches me" thoughts that are even more scarier to me than death itself. Im thinking both these issues are intertwined or something to the fear of rejection? I dont know im just guessing.

Either way reason im 33 and first time approaching is cause at 18 i got together with a single mom who i felt the "disney love" for (first and only pussy) she was alpha widowed and i was fresh we met online in a game i was famous in cause i was one of the best in it in our country and "community" she fell for me and i was pussyless so i obv reciprocated and after follows a 10 year old serious relationship. Then she gets cancer and dies and i fall in to a deep depression nearly killing myself with daily drugs/alcohol and daily masturbation getting in to really sick porn fetishes to hide my pain for 5 years putting my health in shit and my wealth also to debt living with my dad on social wellfare. Now i got a job amd i lift and almost debtfree completely drugfree and pornfree.

So can anyone break down what happened tonight for me and give me some solid advice? Except for the obvious to keep lifting. Im 5"9 looks pretty ok except for crooked teeth which lowers my smv 1 or 2 points prolly. Very fit with visible 6 packs and a strong chest/core