Society says that a man should not measure his worth according to the number of women he has had sex with....
I think this is a great example of how humans tend to be inconsistent with their statements and their behaviors because it's pretty hard not to feel that most people, men and women alike, measure a dude's worth (or much of it) according to his ability to attract the opposite gender.
I’m a 28 year old virgin man. A couple of months ago I decided to become a regular reader of this site, and others like it, with the idea that I could get something good out of the debates and discussions.
It wasn’t a good move. I would even go so far and say it was one of my biggest mistakes of the year. My mental health has taken dips since then.
If you're a late virgin (or even just a virgin) maybe it won’t be good for your self-esteem to read a large number of women declaring that if you've gotten to this point without any romantic or sexual interaction it's because something is seriously wrong with you and "come on, sex is not a big deal", "there are more serious problems in the world than not being able to get laid", "stop playing the victim."
Men who don’t struggle with dating also deserve a mention:
"Dude, it's not that hard to get laid. You also don't need to be that good looking or have a lot of money or game. I have casual sex with a different woman at least once a month and when I make a little effort that number goes up. If you can't do this, something must be seriously wrong with you."
You guessed it. Reading other guys bragging to you about their constant sexual activity while you have nothing isn't good for your self-esteem and mental health either.
This idea that a person can't get a partner because "there's something very wrong with their personality or behavior" isn’t entirely incorrect: of course, many men are misogynistic, selfish, boring, lazy or whatever you want and that's the reason they're lonely. However, to say that all those in this situation are misogynistic, selfish, boring, lazy or whatever you want seems very indolent to me. According to that study that caused such a stir a few weeks ago, a third of young men are sexless; is it realistic to think that all of them are despicable?
I believe that women and those men who do well in dating resort to this argument because then they don't have to question anything, neither the scheme nor themselves. It's much easier to judge others. It’s also common for people to think that an unfair game is fair if the handicap favors them.
For all of the above reasons now I’m convinced that it’s better to stay away from these spaces if you have little or no sexual experience. This is not a friendly place for you and even spending an afternoon doing anything "non-productive" (video games, Netflix, YouTube or whatever) will make you better than an afternoon reading and writing about pills and inter-gender dynamics.
Perhaps what follows may be ironic to some people, for obvious reasons, but I'd like to share what I think might work for mating.
-Have a job or study: It doesn't have to be something glamorous.
-Looksmax: Do it within your means. I don't think it's necessary to spend 12 hours at gym and spend a fortune on new clothes.
-Socialmax: I don't know if that word exists, but work on your social skills. You may think at first that there isn’t much to improve in this area but if you sit down and write a list you’ll see there are probably some things you could work on.
-Learn to lie when asked if you've had a partner and sex: People don't have a virgin radar. If you lie to them about your romantic-sexual experience they will most likely believe you.
-If you have a mental disorder learn to hide it: There is still a huge stigma attached to people who are not neuro-typical or have mental disorders. If someone interests you as a partner, I think it’s better to hide your psychological peculiarities from them.
"But why do I have to seek to improve myself in such a meticulous way when I see other men who excel at nothing, and even lack much, do well or relatively well with women?"
Dude, I don't know, I've wondered the same thing many times myself. The only thing that can be done is that which promises to increase your odds; better not waste your time with unanswerable questions and consider that improving yourself will be good regardless of dating.
-Consider that you may always be a virgin: I'm not saying this to make you give up or to depress you and make you suicidal, no. I think adolescence and early 20's are a critical stage in which you should have your first romantic and sexual experiences. After these years your situation will be more or less complicated depending on many factors. Keep trying but, even if it’s distressing and infuriating, accept the idea that you may not be able to mate. It's not about make you feel sad: It’s about you can accept it with dignity and fortitude if it happens; I'm working on this too.
I think that's it. I will take my own advice and leave this place. This is the last post I'm paying attention to.
I hope everyone is fine and you can find whatever you’re looking for (at this point I’m talking to everyone, not just the virgin squad). Please, don't engage in cheating behaviors, don't make false romantic promises in order to get sex and try to be more empathetic to everyone; I think the growing lack of this quality is one of the main reasons we have the world we have.