Educating Women about Consent

This post was inspired by this post on r/MensLib. Since criticizing feminism isn't allowed there, I decided to write my post here instead.

The TLDR of the menslib discussion is that women often behave in ways that would never be acceptable from men when they get rejected or turned down for sex.

If I say "no, I have always experienced psychological, verbal, and physical violence (the worst of these being slaps and punches).

Consequences of turning down sex

The TLDR of my post is: I've seen the mindset of sexually coercive women and they think they are justified. They are not.

I have encountered women who seem to be under the misguided opinion that just because they feel genuinely upset when rejected for sex, that means that having a meltdown or throwing a temper tantrum about it is not sexually coercive behavior.

I think many of us are familiar with the stereotype of the skeezy boyfriend who tries to pressure his unwilling girlfriend into having sex by saying something manipulative like "if you really loved me, you would do it."

We depict this kind of behavior as manipulative, skeezy and gross.

Meanwhile, it seems a fair number of women (from stories I have heard both from their victims and from their own perspectives) have such poor self-esteem and emotional regulation that their partner turning them down even rarely leads to them feeling unloved or unattractive. In response to their partner's "no", they may burst into tears and have a meltdown where the only way to reassure them is to have sex anyway.

The impact of both situations is the same. The unwilling partner feels guilt-tripped into having sex in order to reassure their partner. At no point has any effort been made to actually get them in the mood or make sure the experience is mutually enjoyable. Instead, the end game is simply to get a reluctant person to feel obligated to have sex on demand.

The problem is, these insecure women somehow get a pass because they genuinely feel upset. I've even seen the men get the brunt of the criticism for "making her feel this way" by simply saying no.

I have had to spell out to these women that their behavior is sexually coercive and it's not acceptable to pressure people into unwanted sex.

I told one such woman that I don't see why she would do this in the first place as I don't think I could enjoy having sex with a partner who I knew was unwilling and wasn't enjoying themselves. She simply replied by telling me that she couldn't relate to caring in this manner and gave a snarky response that she's glad I'm so perfect. I wouldn't call it perfection, just basic empathy. And this was a person who fully acknowledged that she had caused her ex sexual trauma (diagnosed sexual aversion) as the result of her having a fit every time he told her no to sex.

I have also seen a troubling trend even in feminist spaces where it's assumed that receiving oral sex is a form of empowerment for women and if a man won't do it for them then that's unacceptable and not to be tolerated. While I agree that issues regarding sexual compatibility are fully worth breaking up over, I can't get on board with the notion that simply shaming unwilling partners into performing a sex act they find gross is somehow acceptable.

I remember reading a post from a woman who was upset her boyfriend found it gross to go down on her and was basically asking how to get him to do it. HUNDREDS of comments from both men and women were flowing in calling this guy every negative name in the book, shaming him, telling her to withhold oral from him in retribution and discussing how unacceptable he was. I was the first person on the thread to actually point out that male consent matters too, that he's allowed to say no to a sex act he does not like doing and that there is likely little value in shaming him into performing a sex act he hates. It surprises me how much I have to ask people if they want sex to be a mutually enjoyable experience for both parties or if they basically just want "to get" sex out of a begrudging party.

For all the comments about "teach men not to rape" and "teach boys about consent" it seems to me that sexual education around consent (which I do fully support) should be framed using gender-neutral language. It seems like a LOT of women see nothing wrong with acting out in ways that would be deemed sexual assault or abuse if men did it to them.

It does NOT matter whether someone is having a meltdown because they are trying to manipulate their partner into sex or whether they genuinely struggle with self-esteem issues. If someone is so emotionally unstable that they cannot handle their partner saying no to sex even every once in a while, then that is a personal problem they need to sort out in therapy. It is sexual coercion, it is guilt-tripping and it's not okay just because a woman is doing it.

This doesn't even touch on the problem with women reacting with actual anger, violence or insulting a man's masculinity just because he said no. This is toxic and abusive behavior.

I know I'm mostly shouting into the void, saying that women need to be taught about consent is not something that very many people will tolerate even from a woman. I guess I just hope that no one here has had to experience this from other women and if so, know that sexual coercion is sexual coercion regardless of the gender doing it.