Has your wife ever made you feel worthless when you know you are not

phalo · 2022-10-30T06:56:39+00:00

This sounds very familiar. I worked a full-time job and pay for everything while she was a stay-at-home mom, and slowly over the years I started doing more and more around the house but it was never enough.

All I can say is that you deserve happiness and it is ultimately to you whether you think you can find it with her. I knew I couldn't find it with my ex because she was a narcissist and incapable of recognizing her own faults let alone working on them.

TomCatInTheHouse · 2022-10-30T08:40:32+00:00

My ex-wife gaslit me so bad and convinced me that I was dumb and couldn't remember anything and was worthless. She would purposefully lie about things that happened, big or small, to make me look crazy while she was having affairs. My self esteem was in the toilet.

She also claimed I got so angry she was worried I'd become abusive so she left because she was afraid. Yet, she left me at home with our two young children. Reality was she was starting fights to have an excuse to leave to be with her affair partner(s).

Meanwhile a woman at work would constantly comment how she couldn't understand how I remembered so much stuff and my mind was like a sponge. I'm gonna be honest: towards the end of my marriage I started crushing on her because she caused me to feel intelligent... which is a quality of myself I find important because I am intelligent. Rest assured nothing ever happened and I only ever saw her at work. The crush disappeared pretty much right when I got separated because the daily gaslighting stopped.

Zealousideal-Duck670 · 2022-10-30T07:59:38+00:00

This story happens a lot my friend. My ex wife always made me feel like I was wrong no matter what I did.

lordgoofus1 · 2022-10-30T08:06:06+00:00

Only for about 8 years or so... working through "re-discovering" myself now that I'm partially free.

Gattsama · 2022-10-30T11:35:38+00:00

Sorry you are going through this man. The STBX and I were together for 17 years, married 12+ years, no kids, she hasn't worked for 12 years. Here are a few highlights she has told me over the years:

- you are a huge pile of shit with a little pee of goodness on top

- you are a love / happiness vampire, sucking all the love and joy from my life. You are only happy when I am miserable

- we have no happy moments are memories (zero), every single happy event is ruined by you

- are you gay, because you seem to not want to have sex lately (guess why)

- you are killing me, this relationship is killing me, you don't care. I wouldn't be surprised if I developed cancer given how stressed out my body is; and it would be your fault

- you don't care (about me / dead bed) so I'm going to go out and get some dick. Do you want me to fuck them here or at there place? whatever you don't care about me, so you don't care if I do it here (threat)

You get the idea. And yes, like you I stayed. We did counseling, ready books, did workshops, etc. I did a TON of chores around the house, gave here massages every night I wasn't working, worked extra to cover our lifestyle, etc. I had zero experience when we meant and was a virgin. My romantic self esteem was low, so when she said some of these things I mostly believed her. So I did what I always do in tough times, I worked harder...

Cracks started about 3-4 years prior, when I noticed she used DARVO (see links below). Everything got reversed in any conversation and became my fault. And I started to think 'this is crazy.' Eg walking dogs in park, she askes 'what more I can do you / want do you need. I answer I need more support. Her response: "Oh my god, support?! My entire life is nothing but supporting you, what a spit in the face. I ask a loving question and you kick me when I'm down. You always do this, what more support do you want or need from me, I have nothing and give you everything I have. More than you deserve given how horrible you treat me. I can never do anything go, you are always attacking."

Long story short, she ultimately told me to leave and took her ring off Oct 2021 (didn't want to end the relationship was another manipulation tactic). Once out of the house I never felt more peaceful and stress free. I ultimately filed Feb 2022 (and we are still in the middle of the BS, despite no kids and simple [if valuable] assets).

She has no official diagnosis but has several BPD (border line) traits and using a lot of BPD manipulation tactics. I found myself in the caregiver role, and in that dysfunctional relationship there are only three roles: persecutor, victim and rescuer. As I read more about BPD I could see patterns that mirrored our relationship and interactions; I'm the rescuer and persecutor; she's the perpetual victim. Anything I ever do to step outside of my assigned role is meant with actions to get me back in line 'by whatever means necessary'; normally emotional abuse, mental abuse, manipulation, love bombing, etc.

So here's some resources for you that helped me. What really helps is going no contact, but with kids that can be tricky:

- "Stop caretaking the BPD or NPD" by Margalis Fjelstad

- https://youtu.be/ni-esO8Zxts

- https://youtu.be/WFQvSdVQsz0

didyoucurbthewheels · 2022-10-30T07:45:56+00:00

Yes, very much so.

2022-10-30T08:44:14+00:00

my stbxw made me feel worthless all the time and that's exactly why she's.my stbxw

Snowbirdy · 2022-10-30T11:04:30+00:00

You’re traumatized right now. The thing you need to prepare yourself for is that she will say terrible things - in court, to your friends, to your kids.

There’s nothing you can do to stop her. You have to think about it like the weather, like a bad hurricane or an earthquake. There’s going to be a lot of destruction but you will get through it.

The thing is, the courts don’t actually care really about this. They are used to people making all sorts of claims about their spouses during divorce.

You might find it helpful if you can record her making the threats - a little insurance policy. But don’t go out of your way.

The friends will fall where they may.

With the kids, you want to be vigilant with your lawyer. Parental alienation is a thing and if she goes too far you have recourse.

It’s going to be messy and traumatic so prepare yourself with a network of family and friends, make sure you take care of your mental health and it may be cliché but going to the gym regularly will help you with the stress.

orussell03 · 2022-10-30T11:26:37+00:00

This is a very well thought-out psychological abuse. Once you have lost your self-esteem you are easy to control. All of my EXs have tried this. I have gotten so use to recognizing it. Once they start telling me my fault i just tell them theirs and I do let them know that they are on thin ice with me if they continue.

Particular-Pie23 · 2022-10-30T16:09:54+00:00

Don’t blame yourself for enabling her. Shame will get you nowhere. Just go get some therapy and discover why you have poor boundaries and how you can improve them and get ready to leave.

Emotional and verbal abuse takes its toll slowly over time. It’s clear that you’re at the internalization phase and her words have cut deep enough to get you to start believing her vitriol as fact.

I experienced this from my exH and it took years of that verbal abuse to feel worthless. Men tie a lot of their value to being a good provider, so she’s striking the areas of your heart that are most meaningful to you and the way you interact with and love your children.

Please get her to argue with you in text. Refuse to answer her calls or deal with her face to face. Walk away, hang up, whatever you have to do to get her to lose control via text. Take screenshots and email them to a trusted friend.

Keep a locked digital journal of her tirades and what she says she will do to you in court with dates, times, and whatever details you can like where you were, if the kids were present, and ALWAYS maintain the higher ground. Never react, take the kids out of the house while she “cools down” so the kids don’t have to be present while she’s acting that way and TEXT THAT TO HER. Screenshot. Send to friend or secret email. Repeat.

Print them and attach to your divorce papers. Don’t try to get the kids to say anything in court or be your witness. Judges frown on it and it’ll fuck them up by being put in the middle.

Sorry you’re going through that. Label it for what it is: ABUSE.

Heal yourself, but know that you can’t until your source of damage isn’t constantly present. Don’t cheat yourself out of good future relationships on her behalf. You’re being enlightened to exactly what you DO NOT want in a relationship and it’ll be easier to recognize red flags moving forward. Refusing to ever be in a relationship again ensures that SHE wins and maintains control of your life long after she’s gone. It means she instilled fear of love and vulnerability so deeply in you that you won’t receive the love you deserve. Don’t give her that. Heal and go find love and show your children what healthy looks like because they will NEVER see it from her.

danBEwib · 2022-10-30T11:43:01+00:00

Unfortunately, yes.

captainchippsixx · 2022-10-30T12:05:28+00:00

These types keep pushing to take and take and take. Yeah been there, but not as bad as your situation though. It is literally killing you, and I’m not joking. You have to make a chnage.

The good news is you can. Start the process and start planning. The biggest thing to do is start Financially planning and moving assets very slowly. Because this type of personality comes after all of it to protect her way of life of doing nothing.

fishingforthought · 2022-10-30T13:07:45+00:00

Has your wife ever made you feel worthless when you know you are not.

Yes, for decades until i moved. My sock day is in November.

hkbk2011 · 2022-10-30T14:26:22+00:00

Absolutely and unappreciated for all the things I gave.

xjeeperx · 2022-10-30T15:05:41+00:00

Bout the last 2-3 years of the marriage. It’s important that you’ve made the realization, and possibly more important that you realize you enabled it and allowed it, so you can move forward and set boundaries.

Significant_Idea_663 · 2022-10-30T15:23:53+00:00

I am at the point where I MUST be #1 in my life. I urge anyone who says i am being selfish to try it. When you are number 1 in your life you become actually more authentically generous. This is the VACCINATION against any type of abuse. I RULE.

warrior_up · 2022-10-30T17:39:23+00:00

Devalue, one of the stages before the discard. She’s emotionally cutting ties and projecting her own insecurities to protect her image and flawed sense of self. The grass is only greener where you water it and she’s in for a life of cats and boxed wine. Don’t get emotional with her bro, it’s like dealing with a toddler

ramboton · 2022-10-30T17:56:03+00:00

My wife was taking medication that reduced her ability to have an orgasm, sometimes it was next to impossible no matter what we did (toys oral, whatever). She would get angry and frustrated and say things like "a real man would please his wife, I should find someone who can" that is like a knife in the heart, yet I never had that problem with other women.

StoneColdTrader1111 · 2022-11-02T18:00:48+00:00

I'm with you. My STBX wasn't lazy but very verbally abusive, to the point where I questioned my own worth and value. It is almost as if she had multiple personalities because she would turn around 5 minutes later and act as if she didn't say any of the things she said, or even worst gaslight me and say she was simply reacting to me. She insist on dragging everything out as long as possible and even admitted she would rather see all our money go to attorneys instead of me thay would ultimately go towards taking care of our 2 sons.

I'll never marry again after this that is for sure

DangerousCress · 2022-10-30T17:18:31+00:00

Thank you for sharing! I’m in the middle of it right now almost verbatim to your story. Idk if it’s true for you but added on is there is absolutely no affection i just feel like a roommate at this point it’s maddening.

chichinfu · 2022-10-30T19:38:16+00:00

Yes . She had . I live alone now and peacefully. but that was part of her constantly bully .

pk2at · 2022-10-30T23:39:42+00:00

Its their favorite tactic, keep on asking for different things everyday and yell if some of them are not done. Simply yell and scream at kids and make no effort to patiently work with them. Take up several hobbies and meet friends to waste money, then complain you are busy all the time.

playerknowmore · 2022-10-31T01:13:52+00:00

No! I think to highly of myself. She thought that I loved her more than anything. Yeah, anything but me. No one should be allowed to affect your self esteem. You control that. When she tries to manipulate me I remind her that I'm smarter than that. We were fighting over money. My wife begged to stay after she seen the divorce settlement. She believes I have value; because I know I'm valuable. When I decided to stay I had one condition. Peace.

To many men think they are responsible for her happiness. You are not. Do I do nice things with my wife yes. Because I want to do it too. Women rarely leaves the guy who is willing to let her go.

jms_mars_19 · 2022-10-31T01:34:29+00:00

Similar experience here, words are absolute poison, be sure to do the work required to get through it, past it, and ultimately let it go, very difficult, unfortunately this is my second go-round, talking to a professional therapist is helpful to navigate trauma like this

Title	Has your wife ever made you feel worthless when you know you are not
Author	softinvest
Upvotes	57
Comments	57
Date	October 30, 2022 6:30 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/yh6m8h/has_your_wife_ever_made_you_feel_worthless_when/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/has-your-wife-ever-made-you-feel-worthless-when.1137359 https://theredarchive.com/post/1137359