How to handle a vengeful, bitter and narcissistic stbx without ruining our kids

Dangerous_Item_6879 · 2023-03-13T11:31:03+00:00

How old are your kids?

You can only control what you can control.

You can’t control her ridiculous commentary and behavior.

Focus on yourself. Exercise, nutrition and sleep. These people are energy vampires so you will need all the strength possible to move forward in your life. Be the best dad you can be. The kids will eventually figure out who the more stable parent is.

There are some good books on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Objective_Problem_90 · 2023-03-13T13:25:37+00:00

All you can do is love your kids as best as you can. That and throw money at the system that has failed good fathers for years regarding "best interests of the children". Vindictive hateful women rarely get punished by most judges and at the end of the day, good men and our children suffer. I'm going through that with a hateful ex almost 2 years after divorce that has decided to not let me have my weekend visits with my son for almost 3 months now. Would love to see her be held accountable for this. Not fair or right.

wisstinks4 · 2023-03-13T06:35:31+00:00

Record it all and then find a third-party someone neutral. Have them play it back for them and show them that their dad is trying to take care of them and that her mom is spinning up crazy flying monkey Batshit stories, causing their life, a lot of pain and suffering.

Alito999 · 2023-03-13T09:43:09+00:00

Feel for you. I’m in a similar place tho tbf your ex sounds worse. Mine does make an effort to be ok in front of our son. Ultimately your kids will understand and respect you for how you’re handling it, even if they don’t get it now. Kids are smarter than we think. Good luck with it all

lostcanuck007 · 2023-03-13T10:59:01+00:00

You can't. Greyrock. Document. Create a log. Hope for the best. Children will grow up and you can show them the reality later. Right now....pretend to always be in conflict and defeat to keep the psychosis to a recognizable level.

CommanderOfCheese45 · 2023-03-13T15:50:03+00:00

that does nothing to shield my kids from her brainwashing and $#@! throwing.

Nothing does. Know what the best thing to do about it is?

...

It's nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

You go on being an S-tier dad for your kids, and all that attempted brainwashing is going to do for your ex is convince your kids that she's a bitter hag who never thinks of anyone but herself.

You don't look weak. You look strong. She looks like the weak one.

some days I just want to unload

There's a way to do that. Write her a letter. Unload. Tell her everything you want her to hear, about how she f$#@ed up your entire life and now she's doing the same to the kids. About how literally everything wrong with her life is her own damn fault because of her own actions and attitude.

And then you don't send it. Instead, you light it on fire and turn it to ashes.

Helped for me at least. You get the power trip from letting it all out. You get the extra power trip from lighting stuff on fire. And you get the feeling of being able to let go of all those thoughts and feelings.

Sufficient-Weight-55 · 2023-03-13T13:55:49+00:00

Learned in my positive Co Parenting class that every negative engagement adds 1 more month on to the sentence you are serving (Divorced). Once I heard it in that context it made me appreciate more biting the tongue because who wants to live in HELL any longer than you have too. I’m angling to have an early release from my sentence.

Internal_Reveal · 2023-03-13T14:03:24+00:00

Depending on your kids age and your state laws at some point they can choose to live with you instead so if they are toddlers or preteens then being consistent and in control always level headed regardless of what she says or does in front of them is your best defense. In addition create a safe space in your home and never speak badly of her to them will also put you out in front once they are old enough to decide where and with whom they want to live. For yourself you need to master 180 and either grey/yellow rock methods depending on your cohabitation situation. In addition speak with your lawyer about getting implemented a court approved coparenting app for you both to manage kids schedules and your days with them this will help you minimize all communication with your ex as much as possible. If you must deal with her for whatever reasons listen to Stop Caretaking the Borderline and Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad this will help you understand her ways of acting out and how you can mitigate allowing her to further emotionally abuse you basically you teach yourself how to become as interesting to her a block of salt. There's another book Stop Walking on Eggshells 3rd edition that might be a better read depending on her emotional maturity. Last get familiar and take a course or work shop on DBT that will help you with having to communicate with her and to descarte situations and have better communications with your kids that you can model on dealing with difficult people

chango01232020 · 2023-03-13T14:15:43+00:00

Feel you on this, though my ex is decent to the children. But to me, still the same old black hole of a person. I actually long for the days when I dont really have to deal with her anymore, but I dont think thatll be until the kids are all 18. But be the best person for you and ultimately for the kids.

derelictherds · 2023-03-13T14:26:47+00:00

How old are your children? A therapist might be able to help you navigate these types of situations with your ex, if she's really a narcissist. This approach worked for me.

Title	How to handle a vengeful, bitter and narcissistic stbx without ruining our kids
Author	softinvest
Upvotes	18
Comments	10
Date	March 13, 2023 5:54 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/11q1k2z/how_to_handle_a_vengeful_bitter_and_narcissistic/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-to-handle-a-vengeful-bitter-and-narcissistic.1176432 https://theredarchive.com/post/1176432