Apologies for this rant in advance.

Been with my wife for 20 years, married for 14.

Three months ago I had major surgery and she did nothing - literally nothing - while I tried to recover, hopped up on opiates and antibiotics. She spent the weekend right after my surgery watching Netflix and browsing the internet while I tried to care for our five year old son while not being able to sit or walk. She didn't raise a finger to help care for him while I literally couldn't.

That Sunday night she verbally abused our son, swearing in his five year old face to "BACK THE FUCK OFF!!" when he tried to help unload groceries and happened to grab a bag that contained eggs. Then she told me to go fuck myself right in front of him, all over nothing. I reacted without thinking and grabbed her sleeve, pulling her in front of me while we argued. In 20 years it was the first time I laid hands on her - I can only point to the drugs I was on somehow made me react without thinking. Doesn't justify grabbing her sleeve, but some important context nonetheless.

Two weeks later, she called the cops. Said I threatened her with a weapon, tried breaking down doors to get to her. Claims she thought I was going to kill her. Claims my son witnessed his father almost kill his mother. I've now been charged, my life completely destroyed. It's her word versus mine and she has texts of me apologizing for "putting my hands on her", which I sent in the following days when I was still trying to repair things between us. She gave the texts to the police, which they used as justification to charge me with everything else she said happened.

I left the home to go stay with my father 800 miles away. She has refused to let me see or speak to my son, even on the phone, claiming he was at risk. I haven't spoken to him in just under 100 days. He spent his 6th birthday not hearing his father's voice and now will have Christmas without so much as knowing I'm alive. I was his primary caregiver for the last year as I was off work due to a leave of absence (we lost a newborn son and it destroyed me, couldn't function in my high-stress job).

I was served the divorce papers officially yesterday - Holy shit, it's utterly surreal and full of lies, half-truths, and a complete re-writing of history. She's demanding full custody, claiming that my criminal charges prove I'm a violent and dangerous man and my son is at risk even being near me. Wants the house in her name. Wants child support and alimony. Claims I was verbally, emotionally, and psychologically abusive to her throughout the relationship. Claims I physically abused my son. Says I come from a violent family and they can't be near my son either. Says I was financially irresponsible, despite me financially supporting her for over a decade. This past year was the first time her income exceeded mine.

I've never experienced such a betrayal. It's literally torn my soul out. I have absolutely no idea who this person is, if someone told me she had been swapped with a body double, that would be more plausible than the shit I read in her filing.

Now I'm having to pay for criminal lawyers and family lawyers. It's costing me a fortune, and my resources are melting away like a snowball on a hot plate. My hopes of retirement before 65 are gone. Once this is all done and I hopefully somehow avoid jail time and gain some access to my son, I'll be starting over with nothing at 42, everything being given over to lawyers as this drags on and on. I'll basically be working till I die. In January I move into some shitty apartment, something I rented to be near my son's school and my home, even though now I won't be able to see him despite him being just a stone's throw away.

I'm trying to file urgent injunctions in family court to gain access to my son, but due to COVID delays that won't happen for months. Plus my chances are grim because, of course, I have pending serious charges of domestic violence against me.

This is just a rant into the void because I don't know what else to do. I'm broken. I can't eat, can't sleep. I hear my son's voice in my head all the time. I miss him so much it causes me physical pain. I know she's poisoning him against me, feeding him this bullshit narrative that he's not safe with his father. He's too young to question anything she says.

At this point if it wasn't for my son I'd just end it, because my wife is truly out to burn me to the ground, and it's clear that her word counts for more than mine in every way that matters. Twenty years together and another frozen embryo that we were intending to expand our family with, yet now I'm apparently a violent piece of shit who is a horrible and abusive father to boot.

I'm sure many people here have been through something similar and will say that it'll get better eventually. Maybe that's true. But right now, this is an absolute nightmare and I see no way out of it.

I just keep hoping that maybe I was hit by a car three months ago and that now I'm in a coma, living some very vivid nightmare that I'll eventually wake from. Or hopefully I died on the operating table during my surgery and this entire scenario is just the synapses of my brain firing a last time, dragging out my last thoughts and fears as I flatline.

End rant. My condolences for your lost time if you made it this far.