I hate this life, how could she actually want this? How do I ever feel okay again?

No_Whole_9818 · 2021-11-08T19:09:45+00:00

They always gaslight you at the end. It's natural for them cause it alleviates any of their own guilt. Plus most are vicious.

2021-11-08T18:52:22+00:00

Sounds like you'll be way better off without her once you get past this. She somehow made you feel so guilty and low about yourself while she runs off happily doing her thing. The best thing you can do for yourself is just think about all the things you wanted to do while you were married, and start doing those things. Focus on building yourself up how you want to be, and having the hobbies and goals you want to have.

I had the exact same feelings after my divorce, and she made me feel like shit while asking me not to say anything bad about her to any of my/our friends. I went from my lowest point with a spine injury and a divorce, but I made a conscious decision to only focus on myself and leave any thought of her behind, and that was the best thing I ever did. 5 years later I'm in the best shape of my life and am active in all the hobbies she always discouraged me from doing. You will get through it though brother, I promise.

clockwisegrover · 2021-11-08T18:45:30+00:00

I've been there. Exactly where you are. I can honestly say, relax! It's going to get better. Before you know it, looking for answers to those questions you're asking won't even make sense anymore. They are the wrong questions anyway. Take this time to work on yourself! Take this time to learn how to be content with yourself outside of a relationship. Improve some area of you life you that matters to you. Get healthy, read some books you always wanted to, learn a skill or develop one you already have. It sounds simple and it is, it gives you somewhere else to put your focus while time passes. Achieve some goals along the way, then come out a better version of yourself. And look, even if you were an asshole, it was a response to some behavior dynamic between the two of you. Take this time to compassionately examine yourself. Learn where your boundaries are, learn more about what you want out of a relationship. Then, after a year or so, you'll find someone new, it will work better than the old one ever did.

fps81 · 2021-11-08T21:22:34+00:00

Women enter a relationship with an "exit" plan. Relationships are an investment to them, not an end goal. It could be the payoff of the divorce, or the after marriage support, or in some cases, it's just the financial benefits of being together while they plan their next step.

And, as others have said, the exit works better for them if they can convince you it was all your fault all along, which is why every guy is told they're a narcissist and that the woman never loved them. It's a script.

The sooner you understand that her leaving doesn't actually have anything to do with who you are, and literally nothing would have prevented it, the sooner you'll start to understand how much better off you are with your freedom.

throwsadaccountxxx · 2021-11-08T19:50:15+00:00

AHAHA thank you internet, are you me ? Go through my feed if it helps.

We need to get over the relationship, BUT ALSO get over the blame and accusations, get back some self esteem. I'm struggling a lot.

azwildcat74 · 2021-11-08T19:39:26+00:00

Have you done any therapy? Mine did the same shit - accused me of being a narcissist/abuser/manipulator on the way out of a 11.5 year relationship when she never even ONE time said those things about me/to me while we were together. It fucked with my head big time. I got therapy and came to the realization pretty quick that it was all about her and her bullshit and not me. I don't claim to have been perfect, I am sure you weren't either, but if you were the monster she is accusing you of being you wouldn't even question yourself at all. Get some therapy if you can, focus on things that you can control and practice some self care. It gets better.

nlaurie · 2021-11-08T19:22:22+00:00

Unfortunately I’m currently In this boat , nothing I do is ever good enough I’m always frustrating her . Apparently I don’t understand her or know what she wants . We have two girls together 3yesrs and 5 months and it sucks that I won’t be around 24:7 with them once we finally agree to divorce for good . If it wasn’t for the kids I would have left but how come it’s so hard to leave when you have kids and a house . Is it because it’s a secure safe place even though we fight more than ever before . The first step of leaving is going to be the hardest then getting use to being alone and not seeing my girls every day will suck .

Gattsama · 2021-11-08T21:09:03+00:00

Hey man, sorry you are in the pit. For what it's worth here are some things to try (not sure of your situation):

Exercise - You will hear this one a lot. It is NOT BS, exercise is as good as a SSRI for uncomplicated depression. It's also a way to channel your feelings, release and control. It's also good to setup a new routine and discipline. Do NOT over shoot. Just plan something simple and doable, but whatever plan you make try to stick to it 100% (eg, 5 pushups and 10 squats when I wake up, walking the block 2x). Making a new routine and having a set schedule really helps, need to do it no matter how you feel. Because one common reason for being in the pit is not doing anything else, and having all this time to just be alone with your thoughts.

Friends / family / people - you need to interact with people that are positive. The topics, interactions, content, etc do not matter. Can be in the phone, gaming, in person, social groups, etc. Just engage, even if you feel like you are bringing the energy down; doesn't matter. Just need to be around people that have some joy to share. It will spread to you.

Hobbies / interest / time sink - you need to find something that takes a lot of your time AND mental focus / energy to work on. Something to get you outside of yourself / your head. Can be anything: studying Warhammer 40k universe, reading, gaming, exercise, learning to code, learning to fly, learning to boat, taking a free online course (and there are a TON of these out there). Again, the secondary goal here is to set a schedule and stick to it no matter how you feel.

I'm at stage 1 of all this (separated ~2wks, after she told me to leave). Try to remember that you are NOT in love with her and may never of been; you are in love with the idea of her. The person that you love/loved is a construct that you created, the person that you love would NEVER have done the things she did, would NEVER say the things she said.

You ARE NOT a black hole. For me, I just to keep asking this question: what if the roles were reversed? If the roles were reversed would my friend/family calling me in need be a burden? Hell no, I would do whatever I could to support and help them. I know it's hard cause bought the lie that YOU are the problem, and everything YOU touch turns to s&it. But that is not true.

Not only do you deserve love, there are people out there right now that love you. And if you reach out to them, they are happy to reach back. Before I started talking to my cousin's again I felt like I was such a burden and I didn't want to introduce my drama / BS into their lives. But 100% of them (to different levels) have been nothing but supportive.

If you can only reach out to the internet cause family / friends aren't available. Do that. Join a meet-up group. Or if you find a new hobby, join a group / forum for that.

The important thing is to make some movement. And then, no matter how much you feel like crap, do it anyway. It gets better...

Please stay strong man. For what it's worth, know that the forum has your back and everyone here wants the best for you.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-11-08T21:46:28+00:00

> Was I really that bad? Was I really that much of an awful person?

Not at all. Once you understand female behavior, it'll be obvious that it wasn't you regardless of how much gaslighting she told you otherwise. I recommend starting with The Rational Male, and understand hypergamy. It's going to let you make sense of all the bullshit from her.

> This life now feels so empty without her. I know, I'm stuck and wallowing in self sorrow and pity and all of the typical depressing cycles, but I just can't escape it.

Couple of things here. You've got a scarcity mindset. Oneitis. Soul mates are a myth. I know that's hard to hear, but it's the truth. Once you adopt an abundance mindset with women, you'll never feel this way again.

Relationships are a drug addiction, literally. The same area of the brain that processes romantic love is also stimulated during cocaine use. It's going to take you a while to detox yourself from the sudden loss of dopamine. You can mitigate the cold turkey aspect similar to how methadone works -- replace the addiction with something else that allows you to wean yourself from the original addiction. It's one of many reasons you hear men tell other men to "hit the gym", listen to loud music or get a runner's high to trigger dopamine. Doing so gets you out of your own head.

bobbyb503 · 2021-11-09T02:24:14+00:00

Be selfish. Most of us compromised our hobbies, friends and general interests to please our ex's. The quiet bugged the shit out of me. Something is missing in my life. What is wrong?

I was married/co-habited for 12 years. I'm nine years divorced and still its weird. Pavlovian catharsis. I was conditioned to look to her for approval and acceptance. I was conditioned to ask her first. I was conditioned, they like to call it training.

It takes time to remove that conditioning. I even found I was seeking that from new relationships, which made be bitter fast. Its weird. Like a slave trying to find a new master.

Give yourself time to break that conditioning. If I want something I buy it. I continue to expand my abilities and interests. I'm a great cook. I can read books again, because I don't have someone that get irritated when I look idle. I play video games. All the shit that was forbade. I watch movies I like. I haven't seen a Rom-Com or reality TV in along time.

Its wild when you start looking at it that way and recognizing that you have been conditioned to please her and you forgot who you are, what you like. Break the cycle. Heal yourself, by believing in yourself again.

Think_Desk_7033 · 2021-11-08T20:54:40+00:00

Look it is a normal feeling you try to place the blame on your self and then you think to your self what did I do wrong and in reality you didn't do anything as much as the post divorce hurts its not good to blame everything on your self but at the same time you can't blame other people you have to realize that your wife was the one who wanted to break up and that is her lost you gave nothing to feel guilty about and you have no reason to blame this on your self you did nothing wrong it's hurts I understand that but I'll tell you from experience that I dose actually get better as you come out the house go to work hang out with friends you can slowly but surely get over your wife

sicrm · 2021-11-08T21:38:30+00:00

some good advice given already. look into reading No More Mr. Nice Guy.

it could give you the answers you’re looking for and some you didn’t know you needed.

Micro_Peanuts · 2021-11-08T22:24:25+00:00

I was there too man. You've got a lot of self-work and reading to do. I'd post you links to stuff but some of it's controversial around here. Just trust me though, you can actually be HAPPIER in this life than you were before.

JohnCR61 · 2021-11-08T23:53:16+00:00

Just a little story I'm going to add. Yesterday my daughter (lives with me) said she and her son were going to meet her mom for a walk. I said enjoy your walk. They got in the car and drove off to the park.

Moments later my ex drives up and I said that they left to meet her at the park. My ex left to go find them.

Minutes later my daughter drives up and parks the car in the drive. Following her my ex drives up, parks, gets out of the car and says to me "why are you making my life hell?"

Sometimes I miss my ex also. Other times, like yesterday, not so much.

pegleg_legal · 2021-11-09T01:45:18+00:00

The hardest thing was to learn to value myself. And I still struggle with it falling back down into that hole. With you bro.

Bearkey84 · 2021-11-09T00:09:18+00:00

Your way off better without her! Hear me out- I am in the middle of leaving my marital home following the announcement from my stbxw that she wanted a divorce a couple months back.

She has many issues and has an explosive bad temper. When she finally announced she wanted to divorce me she turned into someone I can only Describe as an enemy. Everything was my fault and she was a victim! I took years of physical, mental and emotional abuse ( I don’t use these terms lightly) and to be the one that is blamed is horrendous. She also decided to announce divorce when I was getting biopsy undertaken for cancer. Great timing! And to top things off- She expected to buy me out with some money and leave the house with just the clothes on my back. I feel your pain brother.

To help with the feeling of complete helplessness- can I suggest perhaps going to get anti depressant for short while to take the edge off things- only untill Your at a much better place? I have and it has helped me out massively.

Ps - look after yourself- your number one now.

Udjebfk · 2021-11-09T02:01:56+00:00

You will feel ok again. You just have to put in the work. Best wishes.

No_Committee8461 · 2021-11-09T05:22:16+00:00

I ask myself the same thing a lot. "How could she want this?" But I affirm myself that I am not a bad person, I provided for her and I supported her along with my family. She decided she would give all of that up just to play 2nd wife with a married couple. Many people do not act rationally, I never thought my wife would act this insane, but she is.

You could be the best man in the world and give them everything, and there are many people out there who would still leave you. It's not a testament to your value, it's just a fact of life. Sure I made mistakes, and I'm sure you did too, but that's just life. Everyone makes mistakes and no one's perfect, the best you can do is attempt to acknowledge those mistakes and grow from them. Best of luck to you, just remember her leaving you is NOT a statement on your worth.

Long-Review-1861 · 2021-11-09T07:39:36+00:00

Women use the words "abusive and narcissist" like a comma. It's usually superfluous bullshit

2021-11-09T13:34:19+00:00

I’m sorry you are going through that, but like everyone here said - you are better off without her. I went through a brutal mediation yesterday. I’m going to leave my marriage with basically the clothes on my back and my dogs. I’m stressed financially, but I rather deal with that stress on my own than prolong this divorce with a horrible person. Get some therapy to reevaluate what’s going on in your life so you have more independent options. It will give you clarity and confidence that you were not the problem. Ppl

Significant-Storm-72 · 2021-11-12T21:41:15+00:00

Oof. Yeah.

I am not innocent. I was raised to believe everything that bad happens is my fault, and any negative emotions I have are because there is something wrong with me.

I ended up marrying somebody who needed me to be the worst person in the world so she could feel better about her own shortcomings. Eventually I became that person.

Now we are split up, I am an addict, in recovery, and seeing life as it really is for the first time ever. Everything is not my fault, even though I still feel, like instinct, that it is. I have been told time and time again that while many of my actions were abusive, I was and am also a victim of the same kind of abuse. I have an incredibly hard time believing this, even when my therapist says so.

My ex is wallowing in self righteous pity and martyrdom. I'm seeing the beautiful leaves of fall for the first time since I was a child. She hated them. I never let myself enjoy anything because unless she also enjoyed it, I was made to feel guilty or stupid about it. The only thing she enjoyed was drinking, true crime and reality TV crap, and sitting on her phone or iPad. Oh, and constantly texting an ex-coworker and continuing to see him regularly even though she knew it made me uncomfortable. My feelings about anything never mattered. I was not allowed to have feelings she didn't approve of. Just like the way I was raised.

When I think about all the things she said to me and all the ways she made me feel, I'm happy to be out. But because of the way I was raised, and how I inherently feel about myself, it all feels wrong. It feels wrong to have a pleasant, if not lonely, life.

You can totally feel okay again, trust me. It may take therapy, counseling, and support groups, but it can happen. I have no idea when I will stop grieving my marriage and the loss of the person I believed my wife to be. But in the meantime I'm getting to discover a lot of things about myself that I never thought I could have believed.

I was not a good husband. She was not a good wife. Only one of us are feeling better now. I'm taking the steps to become the person I always wanted to be. It turns out it is actually possible. Life without abuse alone is far better than life with abuse with another person.

live_long_n_prosper · 2022-02-19T14:47:13+00:00

Real narcs have no guilt or doubt, they simply don't care, they don't question themselves or feel bad, they lose no sleep analyzing their behaviour, they don't believe they have any flaws, they don't take accountability for mistakes, they don't care if they hurt others and they don't waste time agonizing over whether they're a bad person, you are not a narcissist, it's always normal people who question themselves so relentlessly after an accusation, that's the tell tale sign that you're not a narc

Title	I hate this life, how could she actually want this? How do I ever feel okay again?
Author	fixingmedaybyday
Upvotes	17
Comments	51
Date	November 8, 2021 6:25 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/qpjpmi/i_hate_this_life_how_could_she_actually_want_this/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-hate-this-life-how-could-she-actually-want-this.1085210 https://theredarchive.com/post/1085210