I’m (29M) considering divorcing my wife (28F) due to her failure to contribute anything to our marriage financially. Yes, I can support her and I make a pretty good living. My problem is that I should not need to support her at the level that I am, due to the context of our marriage currently.

Own-Professional9740 · 2022-02-03T13:29:42+00:00

I was in the same position as you, she wasn't working nor looking for work and I was earning good. I decided I couldn't keep it up like that and it was a good decision to divorce. And guess what, immediately after we split up, she got a job.. what a coincidence..

skirted_dork · 2022-02-03T13:37:34+00:00

I was the only bread winner for the first 4 years of my marriage. She had full access to my account and managed all the bills and stuff (even church tithing). As soon as she got a job, she opened her own account and made sure that I don't have access to it. While I was still paying everything, she went on vacation twice while I had to stay behind working. The only time I took time off from work was when I lost my job. During 2 months I had no income and I asked her if she could pay the rent that month. She yelled at me saying that she's not gonna provide for a "drug addict hobo" and we're now splitting the bills so I can try to save money and move out. Her level of entitlement is just toxic as shit and I can't wait to get this fucking divorce over with so I can finally go back to living and not just surviving.

Rough-Area4765 · 2022-02-03T13:21:18+00:00

Dude… stop and divorce her now. You see what her true nature is. If you buy a house, it will be hers. If you pop a kid, she will take you for child support. Divorce and move on. Scarcity mindset is why you are still there. She will ruin your life in divorce if you have joint assets or children.

I wish someone told me this when I was your age and saw the same signs.

fewdo · 2022-02-03T13:37:59+00:00

You get to pay for the sh*t you put up with! If she doesn't work, you get to pay her alimony after the divorce.

TheWritePrimate · 2022-02-03T15:11:42+00:00

Just divorce her before it gets worse. It won’t get better. My ex was the same. Had a law degree but insisted on working inconsistent jobs that a high school drop out could do. We do have a kid together and it’s a nightmare. I have a decent income and she’s working a crappy job. She just threatened to take me back to court again for more child support. Don’t make my mistake. Walk away while it’s still fairly simple.

Snowbirdy · 2022-02-03T14:13:43+00:00

My ex-wife had a variety of excuses as to why she couldn’t work full-time. She also claimed that somehow she was paying almost all of our joint expenses and called me a deadbeat and a freeloader.

Lo and behold when we got divorced, the forensic accounting revealed that I paid 90% of our joint expenses and she miraculously (2 months prior to settlement… probably prompted the settlement) was able to start working a job for $150,000 a year plus $3 million of equity. Funny how that happens.

Edit: NTA. Marriage is a partnership and if she refuses to contribute, it is reasonable for you to take steps if she refuses to talk about it and remediate it.

derelictherds · 2022-02-03T15:36:17+00:00

Cut your losses and move on. You're young, have no children, and don't have a lot of time invested in the marriage. Date career minded women from your social economic class going forward.

Throwaway4120213 · 2022-02-03T16:52:26+00:00

Dude - do not have kids! You will be financially responsible for her for the next 20+yrs.

Get out while you can. Here’s the alternative. You have kids and she quits her job. When the kids are in school - she will refuse to go back to work. You will work very hard to save for retirement. You will get promoted and be making more money.

Then she decides to divorce you when she is old and out of the workplace for a long time. Courts will say she doesn’t have a lot of earnings potential and you need to provide her with alimony until she retires. You will need to provide her with the marital standard of living - so alimony will be based on your earnings peak (40s-50s) and if you lose your job you are screwed. Oh yea - and you hand over half of all your retirement and savings.

If your wife is 28 (!!) and only wants to work 20hrs/week - how much respect do you have for her. She has been in the workplace for a grand total of SIX YEARS and is already ready to coast. Entitlement and laziness are definitely not traits I want in my life partner and the potential mother of my kids.

At 4yrs - your alimony won’t be bad. But drag this out and your alimony liability keeps rising.

vector5633 · 2022-02-03T13:53:01+00:00

My man....listen here. As a man that has been officially divorced, this May will make a year. I say this. If you're unhappy now, chances are you will continue to get even worse. Marriage for men is not good, specially in a situation like yours. You have made the right decision to keep accounts and finances separate.

Do NOT and I repeat, DO NOT buy any house together or get her pregnant. You will pay for it during a divorce.

Do not make any big purchases either. I don't know what state you live in, but in NY. Anything that you buy during your marriage is considered marital property. That means, that if you purchased a car for example. It does not matter if you paid 100% of it and your wife paid nothing, half the car by default will be hers.

My suggestion is to start an exit plan and start talking to divorce lawyers to see what you're in for.

The longer you stay in this marriage, the worse it will be for you financially and mentally.

Kids will definitely add lots of stress to the marriage, so if it's bad now, then kids will make your marriage feel like hell. Divorce with kids, be ready to drop your pants, bend over and spread your ass cheeks. Don't expect the State to use any lubrication while it's giving it to you.

Get out now!

hombredelgato · 2022-02-03T13:27:11+00:00

I'm curious if you both talked about early goals in marriage. It sounds like you'd like to get a good financial base in place early on. Did you talk about this before marrying her? If so, did she act like she was on board with the idea? Have you talked about this since getting married? Has she talked about having kids? Does she come from a "traditional" home where her mom was a SAHM?

Asok_the_Intern · 2022-02-03T13:34:17+00:00

Mate, she has to go asap. The longer you wait, the more penalties you'll be forced to pay or even worse....she'll deliberately get pregnant.

I will NEVER EVER stay with someone who refuses to work, contribute and be self sufficient because that makes her MY responsibility and I just can't. A full grown, able bodied adult should be out there earning a living, unless otherwise agreed upon.

Mental issues are not a pass for redundancy. We all suffer from something that we can use to justify not working but we get up and deal with it. Get rid of her NOW

akihonj · 2022-02-03T13:08:05+00:00

Well it's 2022 and you have every right to expect and even demand that she get a better job and contribute to the home.

See no reason why you should put up with it any longer, take the time to separate and speak with a lawyer and see what your options are.

vinnizrej · 2022-02-03T15:00:31+00:00

The fact that you’re in a divorce subreddit seeking advice means divorce is the correct option for you. You are over this marriage. It will not get better. File for divorce.

The sooner you file for divorce the sooner you can finish paying her alimony. Depending on your State, you may be kinda fucked in the alimony dept. 4 year marriage, you earn “6 figures”, she works part time at minimum wage (what is the min wage for her?), you’ve covered all her bills and expenses… if y’all been living this way for the duration of the marriage I’d expect a substantial alimony payment for a term equal to the length of the marriage.

jmoincali · 2022-02-03T16:09:12+00:00

Whatever you do DONT have kids with her!!
Many women think they are supposed to be taken care of by a man in their marriage while contributing little to nothing.

Do you think this is gonna get better soon? Of course not. Get rid of her and find someone on your level whose not a lazy parasite.

YesAmAThrowaway · 2022-02-03T17:03:07+00:00

She refuses to work enough to make a decent financial contribution AND wants shared accounts? This smells very fishy.

If you do end up divorcing, and I hope you find a better solution that leaves both of you satisfied without the drama, then make sure ti get a darned good lawyer because otherwise you'll be paying her bills through alimony instead.

And don't have kids ever unless this is resolved once and for all.

henrysmyagent · 2022-02-04T01:26:52+00:00

Get out now! She is playing your for time. She needs more time in the marriage to really sock it to you with permanent alimony.

It is reasonable to expect your spouse to contribute economically commensurate with her level of education.

It is unreasonable to expect a free ride off of your productive spouse forever.

Methinks your wife did not really want a bachelor's degree in accounting, but instead wanted an MRS.

Now that she has Mrs. in front of her name she is perfectly content to watch you grind away in the rat race why she dabbles in part-time work and full-time fun.

bobofman · 2022-02-04T02:19:27+00:00

My advice would be to get out while you're young.

I'm 60, married 37 years and just filed a month ago. My wife has never worked, first saying she would work once the kids were in school, then it was after home schooling the youngest, then it was if I pay for a degree...almost 10 years after the degree and still not interested in a real job.

I retired early at 56 with less retirement savings than I would've liked but thought it'd be enough to make it since I paid off the house and other debt. But what I thought was going to be a simple 50/50 split with some spousal support, etc. may not be the case. I believe her lawyer is going to try and push the court to award her support based on my pre-retirement income, which is over 3 times that of my pension. Plus she'll get half the pension and other retirement income, as well.

She could easily end up destroying me financially or worse, forcing me to return to work simply to provide the support payments. It's an ugly situation and I can only hope the court will put enough weight behind the fact that she is still of working age (56) and has a degree but I'm not overly confident. Here in California, people like her do nothing their entire lives and often walk away with most of the money saved by the very person who carried them on their back for decades.

Bottom line, if I had to do it again, I would have walked away years ago while I still had time to recover from the legalized extortion that the family law/justice system is.

Good luck.

jalopkoala · 2022-02-03T13:14:40+00:00

Do you need more money for your family? Are you trying to retire early? Do you wish you worked less? What are you hoping to gain from her working more? It sounds like it is just a “tit-for-tat” issue for you.

Don’t get her pregnant. Continue to keep finances separate.

Chip512 · 2022-02-03T14:04:54+00:00

Have the FIRE discussion - financial independence /retire early. If you’re making six figures you might consider getting off the “work until you die” plan. If you’re spouse isn’t going to be a partner (as in, make lots of money now, retire at 45) then you might need a new plan.

monster_dutson · 2022-02-03T14:07:16+00:00

Talk to a lawyer and make a plan for divorce. I can see the writing on the walls because I am living through it right now.

Punkybrewsickle · 2022-02-03T14:41:53+00:00

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Having specific goals and dreams with specific monetary milestones can incentivize a job (renting or buying a home you love, your bucket list vacation, even building a baby fund if parenting is the dream keeping her from wanting to lock herself into the employment trajectory). Sometimes having just a 2-year plan will make the time being seem more purposeful.

I have a personal hard time with people who put their spouses or others in the position of providing for them, in a way that they wouldn't do in reverse. Peoole are right when they say marriage isn't meant as just a "till inconvenience/resentment do us part," and the reason for marriage is the original ride or die contract. But her idea of marriage is basically another person's responsibility to use their life as a vehicle to make her life easy. That doesn't seem like she's taking the same exact marital vows seriously. Marriage is a commitment. What sucks is that she knows you're the one who has to look like the asshole for having a problem with it, and it would feel like she's almost banking on the fact that you'd have to be the bad guy for actually drawing a line.

Ask yourself, and her, if things would be the same if you worked part time at Best Buy or substitute teaching a few times a week? Would she happily spend her adulthood crunching numbers as an accountant so you could? The deal breaker to most people would NOT be her unwillingness to contribute money. It would be her unwillingness to do the same for you. But from the outside it just looks like you're greedy, materialistic, or just don't love your spouse enough to "stick through" something so "petty." And feeling guilt and shame over your own resentment would cause you to hesitate to stand your ground.

It is possible that this is the outward manifestation of an underlying attitude she has about things overall. And those are the things nobody's seeing.

She's not treating you as an equal or a partner if she continues to dismiss this as a valid concern.

unpleasant and unsolicited side note: Alimony is awarded in some divorces when one spouse has been out of the workplace during the marriage. This is usually when it's been a long marriage, or when that time was used to be home with kids. Please be mindful of this as you move forward. If the topic of kids is brought up, you might gently insist that there be some time from her spent in a professional capacity before this, to financially prepare. Also, this would demonstrate that she wasn't rendered an obligation of yours by doing the family's child rearing.

If parenthood for you guys involves one parent staying home with kids, ask her seriously to evaluate which of you should be the one to stay home (while the other works full time). This should not be her privelege by default. You are just as valid a contender for this role.

Did you discuss any of these plans before marrying? Did you set any expectations with each other about your roles in the marriage? If you agreed that she wasn't going to prioritize her career for whatever reason and you just had a change of heart about these dynamics, that isn't really fair -- but it's also a part of being human. If so, she deserves a chance to start over with a like-minded partner, which will get harder for her the longer she spends in this marriage.

If you had agreed to both engage your professional lives and have a mutual goal of contributing with financial parity, then this constitutes HER having a "change of heart" which is no different and no better than YOU having a change of heart. Is that fair to you? It's not. It essentially treats you like an income source and not a partner in life's biggest places.

Imagine a conversation with her, in which you decided that full time engineering work was not for you (too toxic/stressful/unfulfilling/difficult/preventing you from doing what you really want). Deciding that you wanted to do it part time. Not asking her if she would be ok with it... But deciding for the both of you that you would now be contributing $___ to your household budget. Not asking her to increase her own contribution or anything, just telling her that's what you're doing. Not describing ANY financial impacts it would have. Not listing the sacrifices it would mean. Not saying ANYTHING about money. Imagine that you've given no thought to how you'd pay for things. Your only answer to that being "I don't know, I am sure it will work out." Imagine you making a unilateral decision without her consent, about your household finances. What would she say? All of those answers should be exactly what you say to her. She has unilaterally decided for the both of you what your shared life will offer to each of you.

If she is pulling this on you without it being your shared plan, it's disrespectful and neglectful. It chooses for you. It takes the liberty of deciding the quality of life for the other person. If she is willing to devalue the quality of your life after you've communicated to her that she is not holding up her end of the deal, if she doesn't consider your feelings and your dreams, she's not honoring her vows.

Classic_Dill · 2022-02-03T14:53:21+00:00

The money thing doesn't bother me as much as the message it sends to you, if she isn't helping financially? and has learned to be OK with that, them i assume she isn't supporting you very well emotionally?

relationshiptossoutt · 2022-02-03T14:57:36+00:00

Weirdly this was one of the few criteria I had when dating. My ex told me she would not be a SAHM and wanted to work until she died. I'm also a hard working type of guy (I have a full-time job and a part-time business [real estate] in off-hours).

Still, we didn't always see eye-to-eye financially. I wanted to save, invest, stay out of debt, spend wisely, live below our means so we could weather financial storms. She wanted to spend, spend, spend and resented my long-term plans. We never came together financially.

If this is a deal-breaker, she needs to know that. And man, do not buy a house or have kids with her until you feel this problem has been beat.

And I just want to make it clear, I have no issues with a couple who chooses that the wife should stop working and enjoy a life of leisure. I think that's a great lifestyle for the couples who can make it work, but it is a couple decision, not a decision one can force.

lsudo · 2022-02-03T16:44:07+00:00

Nobody should need support, period. Any breathing adult without a disability should be setting up their life so that they can completely take care of themselves. An adult dependent is a scary ass thing. There’s not a damn thing you can do to fix it as it is all on them. Good luck

AlexFromOgish · 2022-02-03T18:15:26+00:00

Google "Nonviolent communication" and also "attachment theory". If you commit to studying that stuff for three months, it will be a SuperMap to help guide your next moves, and even to figure out what you want your next moves to accomplish. (Doing therapy too shortens the ROI on this effort)

pegleg_legal · 2022-02-04T01:12:51+00:00

With an accounting degree and 4 years in, in most jurisdictions this would seem to be a good case for temporary, rehabilitative maintenance. Meaning you pay her for a certain number of months/years to get her back on her feet.

As you are basically her everything, before you grab this tiger by the tail - plan and prepare the shit out of it. Don't telegraph. Play nice until you're ready. Then either have her served or have the talk.

Understand your financial situation and be able to articulate it in terms of income and marital assets.
Meet with a few lawyers to get their thoughts on possible approaches. Don't focus on the "whys" because it wastes time. Don't discuss your emotions, etc. Strictly facts and outcomes. Take notes.
Review your notes and think about what you learned. Think about your wife's personality (Know your Enemy) and which lawyer (when combined with you) will be able to handle her most effectively.
Engage a lawyer to begin preparing the filings and then take it from there.

Remember, you are her sole source of security, it seems so the chances she will go scorched earth are always higher under these circumstances.

If she's suffering from depression, she needs help.

roypdx · 2022-02-04T06:49:59+00:00

Get. Out. Now. You are where I was @ 4 years in. Hire a good lawyer and get out. I waited, thinking it would get better and it did not. I funded a second degree for her but she remained chronically underemployed. I waited too long and divorced after 9 years. We had no kids. It still cost me over 1/2 a million dollars to buy my freedom at age 50. Do it now, do not get trapped.

patently_pleasant · 2022-02-03T13:07:21+00:00

Just pump out a baby to give her something to do at home! /s

All jokes aside, if you want the marriage to work you need to see a marriage counselor, and it needs to be a GOOD one. Not any of the online BetterHelp or whatever it is bullshit. I tried that and got a horrible person who actually made things a lot worse and made things feel even more hopeless. She needs individual therapy too to figure out why she is in a rut and can’t get herself together.

For now, keep your finances separate. I think it’s fair to say she either gets help to figure this out or you leave

Brian-_S · 2022-02-03T13:26:26+00:00

All that work for a bachelor and not even taking advantage of it? Sounds wild.

I can understand feeling like the only person having to slave day to day is annoying. It seems like your wife has taken notice of how much you bring in (not paying bills, asking to join finances) and thinks because you make so much she can just coast on your hard work and her job is just something to do.

My advice seek good help. If you're above seeking help sit your wife down and let her know how this is affecting you and where are marriage will be if nothing changes.

cocacola-kid · 2022-02-03T13:08:20+00:00

Is this the only thing wrong with your relationship or is there more? I ask this as there is a lot of anger, frustration and resentment in your post.

How do you approach the subject with your wife?

BeardFuel · 2022-02-03T13:52:20+00:00

Have you had this exact conversation with your wife? Does she know how her work and contributions affect you and the relationship?

thefudmaster · 2022-02-03T15:21:52+00:00

OP, you're in a tough spot. I'm sure there are some family members whom will try and dissuade you from terminating your nuptials, but don't think for a second your wife wouldn't do the same to you.

I would sit down and write out a list of pros and cons about staying married to your wife. Frankly, we should all be doing this before we even consider dating someone.

If, after careful consideration, you choose to divorce, it is better to do it now than later. I also recommend not getting married again and watch out for common law marriage.

I'm in the beginning stages of a relationship with a wonderful woman who makes a bit more than I do. No kids on her end, and she has never been married. I am still adding to and subtracting from my list, but I won't ever get married again.

MTVeteran · 2022-02-03T15:29:07+00:00

I wish I had a bigger ear and smaller mouth in my 20s to take the advice people gave me. Like others have said, marriage is a partnership and should be viewed as equal contribution to a common goal. Sounds like your goal is far different than hers which is going to be a massive issue. Trust your gut, re-evaluate your goals and whether she aligns and determine next steps. Easier to take a hit, lick your wounds abs love on now than 10, 20, 30 yrs down the road,… trust me on this. Good luck

mehmench · 2022-02-03T16:41:18+00:00

What was the original discussion around who would contribute what when you got married? What expectation was set then? If she's not following through with it then sure, if you have changed your mind about what you want - well that's also valid.

I had told my ex when we bought our home in the high cost of living area we bought in - 'If we buy this and have children, you have to keep working. I don't want to be the only one supporting us, I can't do it by myself.'

She ended up quitting her job after the 2nd kid and it forced me into exactly what I didn't want.

When we got together originally she was actually making more than me too. CPA, a few years older than me and well established in her career.

We're divorced now.

She is working again now too. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA)

crypto_keeper88 · 2022-02-03T20:13:37+00:00

There are literally millions of available jobs and you can do accounting remotely! She will have no problem getting a job once you stop financing her lifestyle.

Objective_Problem_90 · 2022-02-03T20:47:12+00:00

One of the issues with this, especially if there are children involved is that the courts will not only support but encourage this behavior. A divorce, given her unwillingness to find more suitable work, could mean alimony and at least half of your assets even though she did nothing to pull her full share of the effort. I cant imagine how frustrating it must be, given there are no kids involved and she has an accounting degree, but would rather you do all the heavy lifting.

OriginalFinnah · 2022-02-03T21:45:45+00:00

If you don't have kids bill should be split 50/50 that's fucked you shouldn't be just paying for her to live

dadmacintosh · 2022-02-03T21:51:53+00:00

Run. It will only get worse with age. Not to mention family law implications if you stay longer.

25_years · 2022-02-03T22:37:19+00:00

... it turns into an argument because she feels “attacked”

Sounds familiar. It's manipulation. See it for what it is; it's manipulation. In her world, she's the victim and you're the victimizer. Don't let it take hold.

My ex was a high income earner once. Once. She was in sales. And when her earnings dropped to zero, I suggested that she at least do SOMETHING. I remember her reply: “What do you want me to do? Work at Walmart? Be a waitress?” (but it was said in an accusatory tone, like I was the asshole for suggesting it). We were struggling to pay bills. We needed the money.

Of course, I said, “Of course not”. But the truth is, I was thinking to myself, “Yeah, you need to do whatever it takes to contribute”. But I didn't have the balls to say it because I was being tacitly accused of abusing her by my expectations.

Jipper1384 · 2022-02-03T22:52:29+00:00

I have some experience in a similar situation. If you are starting to resent her because of her lack of financial contribution then you need to be starlight up with her tell her how you feel. If you feel she just expects a sugar daddy and your not cool with that don't let it get to where your cheating or doing other stuff behind her back because you resent her. Get it out there and if you feel like that even if she was receptive and agreed to change and get a full time job and pay what ever you feel a fair share would be for her that you would still have resentment against her then yea it may be best to part ways IMO just don't let the resentment fester and don't let this go on for years until one day it blows up and you have wasted a lot of your life being unhappy or you bring children into a unhappy marriage. Best of luck for you with this situation.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-02-04T01:52:48+00:00

If you have kids she would be even worse. Leave while you can

JayMcConnell39 · 2022-02-04T03:13:39+00:00

Keep everything separate for your divorce. You will inevitably end up getting one. It's not a team, she's not rooting for you. She will take everything from you and you will live in a studio apartment and not see your kids while drinking yourself stupid. Skip it. The sooner the better for you. Get it over when. Modern women want a traditional man but don't want to act like traditional women.

fesanjani703 · 2022-02-04T03:14:10+00:00

First question: do you love this woman? Second question: is she a loving and supportive wife? Third question: is the fact that she isn’t earning enough hurting the two of you financially? Fourth question: what amount of money does she need to make in order to make you happy? Fifth question: did the two of you go into this relationship with the understanding that both of you would work full-time? Sixth question: in the absence of earning more money, what amount of chores / household responsibilities does she need to do in order to make you happy?

So, I understand where you’re coming from and was in your situation. My ex-wife was not a loving and supportive wife, worked 1 day a week, literally did nothing, and we had a small child together. I would come home from work, cook dinner, take care of our kid, all the while completely exhausted. Then she had the nerve to criticize me for not making enough money so she could be a stay at home mom, and do absolutely nothing. I was also making far less money than you at the time. The questions are to get you thinking about how invested you are in your relationship and what would it take for your wife to meet your expectations.

roypdx · 2022-02-04T07:03:24+00:00

I have two older posts here that may help you. They are titled "Perspective" and "The simple things" they detail my experience and I was in the almost exact position you are in early in my marriage. I did not see the signs back then but you have time on your side.

RStonePT · 2022-02-04T10:31:10+00:00

It doesn't get better,

funk205 · 2022-02-04T12:28:13+00:00

Ohhhhh buddy… this is my situation almost to a T except in mine there are kids involved. Don’t walk, run. Run far away and don’t look back. And whatever you do, don’t get her pregnant. Take it from someone who’s there right now and feel free to look at my post history, it gets worse, not better. Listen to these guys, we’ve lived it.

cleats4u · 2022-02-04T21:03:35+00:00

If your financing a grown ass adult like a child. Your resentments toward that person will multiply. Then you will lose your respect for that person. If you stay in it your self respect will deteriorate. You will get depressed. Start self medicating with alcohol or drugs. Her solution for her problems and to keep life going this way will be to have a baby. Today a man is not a woman's security blanket...a baby is.

hmoeslund · 2022-02-03T13:52:00+00:00

I’m wondering where is your love is in all this, do you love money or your wife.

Does she contribute on other fronts or is she just lazy. You have been together for 4 years is there still love and compassion in your relationship. I don’t think the money is the real issue here. But I might be wrong.

kdthex01 · 2022-02-03T13:46:10+00:00

Well marriage might not be for u then. Culturally (and legally) marriage is a retirement and pension plan for women. If u like your money more than u like her, the faster you get out the less you will pay.

Kids will only make the burden on you worse. Billions of parents work after having kids. Depression can be treated. “Communication” won’t work, she’s shown you who she is.

She doesn’t want to work and if u make her she will resent it. If u don’t she won’t appreciate it. Life is hard (for u anyway lol). Do you want a partner or a dependent?

EmotionSix · 2022-02-03T13:07:30+00:00

Get therapy for yourself.

kalunlalu · 2022-02-03T12:56:22+00:00

Take it easy bro

Buckyohare84 · 2022-02-03T13:36:59+00:00

Sounds like someone knows where she is sitting in the relationship. Giving her more is not going to solve things and there is no telling what the future will hold if you do. If this person is the type that doesn't want to work hard and expects you to support her then that is who this person is. Take time to figure out your options. Talk to a lawyer and they will let you know all the outcomes. Might make you feel better and help with your decision. Counselling only works when two people are willing to work at something. Sounds like this might not be your kind of option.

Frosty_Season_8092 · 2022-02-03T20:01:18+00:00

Get ready to start paying for her after you divorce.

chicken_po_boy · 2022-02-04T03:52:27+00:00

Before you move to divorce... suggest to her that you both start seeing a marriage counselor. It's usually the wife that suggests counseling, as a last-ditch effort to save the marriage. If you suggest it, it could be the wake-up call she needs. Good luck.

dranic · 2022-02-04T04:10:30+00:00

Look.. everyone in a marriage deserves to have their needs met. If you're not ok with her not working, you should be able to address that it's important to you, and then explain your reasons. You don't have kids, good. That means she's free to pursue a career that will better accommodate them I and when you choose to do so. This seems like a communication issue. You don't get to be a stay at home mom when there are no children, and youre capable and educated. That's literally just being parasitic. If she is having mental health issues, that's a different story, and also a conversation. I'd try and ask her what her plans are, hopes, pursuits.. there has to be an endgame here. People don't willingly stagnate, so I would assume she's going through something you and probably her haven't fully fleshed out.

sentrybot619 · 2022-02-04T13:54:27+00:00

The sooner you get divorced, the less alimony you'll have to pay. Even if you get divorced, you won't feel free from her until that last alimony payment. It varies from state to state, so you'd want to ask a lawyer for specifics. I'd start now so you have some clarity in your thoughts. Many do free consultations, so write out some questions before hand and call a few lawyers.

No kids? No child support to worry about. bullet dodged.

Is she depressed? You might have been rock bottom, but if she's rock bottom and you're taking care of the bills, the motivation isn't the same. Did her mom work or stay home?

Also consider that 'not working' is a liberating feeling, so she might just be stuck in that. head on over to /r/antiwork for some of that perspective. Nobody really wants to grind their life away in some corporate hell hole. She might just need to be turned onto something she enjoys doing. I was a stay at home dad for 5 years to 3 kids, and while that was significantly more work than my 8-5 corporate account manager gig, it really put things into perspective of how I want to spend my time going forward. I definitely care about money a lot less than I did before I had the chance to stay at home with family.

Another thing to point out is that depending on where you live, the money you make while married could legally be her money, so denying her access to financial accounts could potentially haunt you in court. You see it as protecting 'your' money, but what you might be doing is denying her access to what is also her money.

Can you talk her into marital counseling?

onthisthing_ · 2022-02-04T21:07:58+00:00

I was in the exact same position. I’m divorced but let it go on for 16 years thinking something would change. It didn’t. Only reason I stayed was for the kids. Get out of that bullshit now. You won’t regret it. You’ll have to fork over some cash for sure but cheaper to do it now than waiting…trust me.

redditisforgeeks1 · 2022-02-05T04:39:26+00:00

If you make her get a professional she will cheat on you lol

AppalachianMan79 · 2022-02-03T16:06:18+00:00

You make 6 figures money ain't everything. What you gonna do with more of her money? I'm in the process of getting a divorce from my wife of 16 years. She quit her job 5 months ago to start a business for itself. While that was happening she decides she wants a divorce. I say ok. Months later she is jobless and I'm paying about 90% of the expenses. I hate it and want her to move on but I'm decent an I want to see her make the next step in life with no problems. It hurts but I'll be ok.

If you love this women money shouldn't matter at all. If yall have other issues work them out but don't base a divorce on a imbalanced money contribution. If the bills are paid and money is in the bank what's the problem?

skaelee · 2022-02-03T18:04:00+00:00

This post confused me men typically on average don’t marry women for they money so I don’t understand why he’s upset with his wife 🤔 he said she cooks and cleans for him so I don’t understand the problem you make 6 figures bro why do you need your wife to make money ? Just let her cook and clean for you and fuck you good I don’t get it his post at all and you said she does work so it’s not like she’s just sitting around

techfreedom93 · 2022-02-03T19:10:45+00:00

If she's a good wife then money shouldn't be basis for divorce dude.

ZookeepergameFit5787 · 2022-02-03T19:28:50+00:00

She's contributing 20 hours a week to the family money pot. Are you complaining that she doesn't work 40 hours or that she isn't getting paid more?

Life is more about work. Your romantic partner sure is too.. Think long and hard about your next move and be more gentle than you were here when you talk to her about your complaints.

She might even think you work too much and that you don't need the money so why? The pendulum swings both ways. Divorce is a drastic move for this problem. Draw up a post-nuptial agreement to remove money as an issue in your life and just get on loving the shit out of her.

whatskeeping · 2022-02-03T20:37:14+00:00

Dude you're crazy. So if you divorce her you'll just pay her in support payments. I think you should pay up and learn to enjoy dinner.