I am just so upset at how much money was stolen from me. I lost about $150k of my self-earned net worth at 34 years old. Together since 2010, Married 6 years. No kids. 1 year into marriage, she wanted to chase her dreams and decided to be a personal chef. I wanted her to be happy, and heck I'd get good food out of it too. I was nothing but supportive. We expected about a $15k pay drop from her $60k job. She ended up bringing in about $20k a year for 5 years, while I averaged close to 8x that. I had a few of the best years income wise in my life, but no longer can attain those levels due to change in commission structure. Most of her lack of income can be explained by her lack of motivation... worked 1-2 days a week on average and constantly told friends & potential clients she had a waiting list. She filed for divorce last October, and finally admitted a few months ago that she grew unmotivated due to my income.

I held a 49% stake in her business... in the beginning, I was pushing hard to work out what I felt sounded very reasonable. I didn't want to pay lawyers, and of course wanted to split as simply & quickly as possible. I said "You can keep your business (???), your car ($15k), your house (a rental, $162k equity), your 401K ($20K) and your cat". I wanted to keep the marital home (the same $162k equity), my car ($15k at the time), my 401k ($200k) and my 2 dogs. Splitting our cash accounts (about $80k) was never an issue.

Now... I had just spent about $80k renovating our home to her spec... Brand new appliances, her dream kitchen, paint, floors, counters, bathrooms, everything. It was supposed to be our "forever home." After a grueling 7-months remodeling process through COVID (Including $20k loss due to horrible contractors) we finally move back in and I discover she had been chatting with 3 men for the last few months via video chat. 100% emotional cheating, deceit, shit talking me etc. Tried 3 months of therapy (I was trying to regain trust and meet her unmet needs at the same time... tough battle) and she decided to file anyways. Come to find out, she admitted a couple weeks ago that "she knew it wasn't going to work, and just wanted me to go through therapy with her to see the same conclusion". Great, now I know I've just wasted half of another years' income while she was comfortable not working (and didn't file for unemployment because she had yet to do our taxes from 2019 which has always been her responsibility).

Knowing she had access to half of my home's equity and half my 401k scared the shit out of me with just how much more work I put into our worth and to afford our lax lifestyle (amazing vacations... 2 weeks in Spain, 2 weeks in Hawaii across 5 different islands, once-in-a-lifetime $700 12-course lunches etc.) I cared for her and we had great fun together, and I'm sitting here thinking I've ALREADY contributed enough to this person who has cheated on me now for the 2nd time in my life.

In early negotiation, she tells me that I can't have even 1% of the value in her rental home to even the scales. This was her first home she purchased when we first started dating in 2010. After all, that's what her lawyer drafted in the initial divorce papers, that she "keeps" her separate property uncontested. I pushed like hell to get her to see the perspective that we saw value in her rental property as part of "our nest egg" just like my 401k. She could see what I meant, and I know she saw the fairness in that equation, but still reinforced that it was her separate property and she gets to keep it. I knew immediately that I needed to lawyer up to get my fair share of her property to offset the massive amount of loss I was exposed to. By law, I'm due half of the principal reduced on the loan, half of the rental profit and half of the capital improvements done to the home. TX law does not entitle the spouse to any equity on a separate property.

I had been quite nice to her in the months leading up to mediation... after all, I didn't want to give her any more reason to go after more than what she already was. It didn't seem to help, though, unfortunately. In the end I got a $23k credit against the $81k equity I owe her for the marital home (she wanted $81k to herself). I paid her out of the home with my only 401k... so in total: she took $145k of my $197k 401k, while keeping her own 401k ($22k, and she also has a $44k 401k pre-marriage), took $9k of my $20k checking (my earnings post-separation), $33k of our $62k brokerage. I got to keep two cars... but she got to keep half the value in them including the $6k additional I paid post-separation. The bleeding wouldn't stop. The short of it is, she took $280k of our $555k net worth. Of that $280K net worth, she contributed about $120k including the $46k rental offset I had to fight for. Total damage for me was approximately $160k to make up the difference at a 50/50 split.

The MOST painful part of all of this... is looking at these numbers... this massive amount of money on her side of the table, and sending my first counteroffer. I had asked for a simple $20K valuation of her business. The business that I had no hesitation on allowing her to explore. The business that I built the entire branding of: I built the website, made her business cards, sourced her car from across the nation (to match her business colors), surprised her with a custom cooking-themed license plate to draw customers in. I spent hours upon hours perfecting her branding. She would get compliments from people all the time, and would always smile and say "that's all my husband!"

... Yet when it came to ask her for a simple $20k valuation, meaning a $10k credit in my direction... for ALL that I've contributed. Not just to her business, but the freedom she has been afforded these last 6 years. She knows how hard I've worked these past 6 years to make our wealth grow while also admitting to growing unhungry due to my income. She said no. I get $0 for my 49% stake in her business. Even though she's been unemployed this entire last year and brought in practically nothing while living off my contribution. That really hurt, knowing that I was so unappreciated despite her also "wanting to remain friends" and "wanting me to be happy" and "not being out for blood".

Everything was finished after an 8.5 hour mediation day, motivated by a final threat that was communicated which was essentially: "I know his bonus is about to hit in a few days, so if we don't finish today I can go after that too"

Expensive to say the least... $1100 for each portion of the mediator fee, plus $2k for just my attorney. I get a call the next day saying that my ex said I had agreed to pay her portion of mediation (never happened). She deceived me and made me think I was paying my $1100 portion when calling in, come to find out my attorney had already paid it out of my retainer. I ended up getting that sorted out and forced it back on her. Just ruthless.

And I had a thought the other day... I JUST KNOW she is going to be filing for back-paid unemployment for the last year. Got to live off my income and spend it freely, take 3/4ths of my-one-and-only retirement while holding onto a shit-ton of equity herself and getting an additional fresh payday from the workforce commission too. And of course, she's now very motivated to work and build her business to $100k/yr.

What has this taught me about marriage? JUST DON'T DO IT!